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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIB petty to be bothered or is my friend being petty?

67 replies

Pureandsimple · 30/05/2011 21:12

This is an old friend and it is a minor thing that has just irritated so won't be end of friendship, but this is more of a would you be irritated by this or am I really being petty.

This is not a whether coca cola should be drunk or not by kids.

Two weeks ago I had my friends over (2 adults 3 kids) for a BBQ. In the 2.5 hrs that they were here they drank between them 24 cans of coke (I had just bought two new boxes) at the time I was surprised how many they had got through but didn't say anything, and they always asked if they could have one did not help themselves. So no issue.

But today we went to their house (2 adults 2 kids) for a BBQ, we had been there for an 1.5 and my kids hadn't had a drink up to this point as not thirsty. Then my dc asked for a drink, they were asked what they would like, and they asked for a can of coke, and were told

'No cans of coke is expensive, and that box is to last for a month, you can have water or squash.'

My kids both with no quibble opted for water.

But I was shocked thinking hold on two weeks ago in 2.5hrs your family got through 2 boxes of coke, and did not mention cost etc or anything else, my kids ask for 1 can (max 2 cans if one each), and you tell them no because it's expensive.

So AIBU to think that they were being incredibly cheeky at my house now, and being bad host? Or am I being petty for the tit for tat attitude?

OP posts:

vickster11 · 30/05/2011 21:40

how much did they drink, sorry buts thats really taking the piss. I would wonder if they really are your friends, or whether your being used.

Next time you have them over have one big bottle of coke, open it the night before so its nice and flat and say sorry we only buy it once a week now its to expensive.

youarekidding · 30/05/2011 21:44

x posts izzy great minds and all that.

pigletmania · 30/05/2011 22:46

What greedy freeloaders, obviously saving themselves for your BBQ and having 2 months worth in the space of a few hours. Next time don't offer coke, just tell them its only water or squash as Coke is expensive, and see what their reaction will be.

nothingnatural · 30/05/2011 22:46

YABU - you say . . . "And it is not my place to stop a child from having something if their parent allows it, when the kids asked for another can"

I would say actually yes it is your place to stop a child from having something you don't want them to IN YOUR HOUSE.

You had ill mannered guests, proven to be more ill mannered by their behaviour to you and your children at their house. But, ffs, don't get all snippy about it when it's your own fault.

Also don't people bring drinks to bbq's? Didn't they bring their own supplies - or at least contribute?

pigletmania · 30/05/2011 22:47

They know you can't say no thats why they ask. Next time don't have it to offer, if they ask say there is no coke or get in the cheap value Farmfoods/Netto brand and see if they drink as much.

Quattrocento · 30/05/2011 22:51

But why would anyone give coca-cola to children/ Genuinely puzzled, despite the OP's wish for this not to be a thread about the dreadfulness of coca-cola?

nothingnatural · 30/05/2011 23:00

Exactly Quattro. I am positively bursting to have a rant about the complete inappropriateness of letting children drink that crap in the first place.

But know that I mustn't.

tomhardyismydh · 30/05/2011 23:11

yanbu, my god I have an addiction to coke can get through a litre a day on a good day, but that is taking the biscuit. my dd has had a sip of coke once in her life. I would not dream of letting her drink the vile stuff, would be like sharing my wine with her...seriously I just wouldnt let her drink it like I do.

the took the piss at your house

and where bad hosts at your house

tomhardyismydh · 30/05/2011 23:11

their house

takethisonehereforastart · 30/05/2011 23:29

YANBU. That was mean of her. Were her family drinking coke at her house?

And I'm surprised that people think YABU to expect you to take responsibility for what her children drank at your house.

Clearly both you and your friend are happy for your children to drink cola but it's up to the childs parents to set limits on how much they have. It's not hard to tell them they can only have one (of anything) not the host.

We had friends who would bring their daughter to our house and let her run riot. They would sit there watching her misbehave, such as repeatedly pressing the on/off button on the TV or dragging metal coasters over wooden furniture. One memorable time offering the dog a biscuit and then kicking her in the face when she took it (that was the last time they were invited over) and they would say "we like to leave it to the host to tell her what she can and can't do when she is not at home."

That was all behaviour they would never allow at home but to someone who had no children at the time it was quite intimidating to tell off someone elses young child while they were sitting there smiling indulgently as she trashed our house. And they did mind when she was told to stop.

If they had an issue with you letting their children have so much coke they should have said so at the time. But I don't think they did. Otherwise they would have said "No coke at our house, it's bad for you" rather than "no coke for you, it's too expensive."

No, they are cheap and taking advantage and possibly they are too lazy to monitor their own children in someone elses house and prefer putting the burden on you as the host to do their parenting for them. But they are the unreasonable ones, not you.

whackamole · 30/05/2011 23:52

Your friend is seriously tight to say that, she must know how much they went through at your house!

And to all you posters saying it is 'too much' etc - never drank maybe 5 voddys and coke in 2.5 hours? If not you are lying

nothingnatural · 31/05/2011 00:00

takethisonehereforastart do you really think that you shouldn't set limits for child visitors at your house? Gosh.

I would never let a visiting child run riot in my house, why on earth would I? What's wrong with a simple "we don't do that here sweetheart" with a steely glint in my eye. If the parents don't want to take responsibility for their child then that's their issue weirdos but I'm not letting some random child kick my dog or run riot on coke without me being an ADULT and setting some boundaries.

ScrotalPantomime · 31/05/2011 00:15

at her cheekiness! Can't believe anyone would be so blatantly hypocritical.

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/05/2011 00:17

YANBU. "No cans of coke is expensive" - except when you are paying and not her, apparently.

animula · 31/05/2011 00:23

I tend to agree with Bubblecoral - it was your call to say no when they were at yours, and you didn't.

I'm also a little surprised you didn't stop them drinking so much, to be honest.

differentnameforthis · 31/05/2011 01:08

Actually, I don't think the other woman was being tight/unreasonable.

You were happy to leave out 24 cans of coke, to be drunk by guests. They drank it all, you kept saying the children could have it. You had your rules in your house.

She offered a drink, but stipulated that she can't afford to let guests have coke. Her house, her rules.

I don't think guest are entitled to just anything in someone else's house, just because it had been available in theirs.

For example, I always have mini treat size chocolate bars in my fridge. Dd & her friends know that sometimes they can have one, sometimes they can't. Depending on all sorts. This would be the same if their parents were present. They need to last a fair while, so I am careful how they get given out.

My friend is the same, always has little treats in her fridge. But when we go there, she often prefers to give them crackers/cookies. I don't see the issue.

We have pudding of some sort after most meals, and always if we have a guest for a play date. So they get ice cream/sprinkles etc. Friend doesn't have puddings, ever. But my dd doesn't seem to care, just because I do it, I don't expect every parent to follow what I do.

It isn't about what each has, as long as everyone enjoys the time together.

If it bothers you, next time hide the coke/buy cheap stuff. You can't expect people to supply an endless round of drink, just because you did.

differentnameforthis · 31/05/2011 01:11

And it is not my place to stop a child from having something if their parent allows it

Yes it is, if you are picking up the tab & it is your house, you are in a position to stop it.

You just say 'no more coke, only juice/water available now'

And move the coke!

differentnameforthis · 31/05/2011 01:15

that they've taken the piss out of your generousity

Somebody can only take the piss of your generosity if you let them. OP said she asked the parents each time the kids asked for coke. She should have just told the kids "no, sorry it's all gone' and put it away.

Actually, I am surprised they weren't all hyper. And I dread to think what their teeth are like, considering a can of coke contains 8 spoonfuls of sugar!

garlicbutter · 31/05/2011 01:20

YAB a bit U. The kids were polite enough to ask; you could have said no.

The remark about expense speaks volumes to me - fair enough, you got yours on special offer but, if Coke is A Special Treat at their house, then of course their DCs would go bananas for it when there's plenty and they're told they can have it.

Looks simple enough to me, give 'em squash next time

takethisonehereforastart · 31/05/2011 07:13

nothingnatural - Now you know that's not what I said.

But the parents were there to take the main responsibility for their own children (in both the OP's case and mine). I did tell that child not to kick the dog and moved the dog out of harms way. And the parents did that thing where they roll eyes and pull faces and make mutterings about childless couples treating their pets like children. Which is why they were never asked back.

But first and foremost it is up to the parents to take responsibility for their own children and it is not acceptable to let your own children behave one way when you are guests in someone elses house but then complain when the guests are in your house and doing the exact same thing you were happy to let your children do at their house (execpt it wasn't even the same thing as the OP's children only wanted one coke, not five each).

If the children were asking in front of their parents and the parents were happy to let them have more without speaking up then the OP may well have felt that she couldn't refuse them. Especially as her issue only arose when the friend was not prepared to let the OP's children have even one can of coke in return at her own house. And that was an issue of double standards from the friends.

lilolilmanchester · 31/05/2011 07:35

I think they were being cheeky& greedy to drink so much coke anyway, and a bit tight not return the hospitality, so I don't think you're being petty. Lesson there is only put out what you are happy for people to have, or bring out a little at a time.

Finallyspring · 31/05/2011 07:49

Seems like there might be some kind of cultural or class difference going on in this thread.

When children are guests in my house with their parents then their parents decide what they can and can't have, from what I have made available. I don't refuse food or drink or tell children off if their parents are there.

Somebody posted earlier to say OP fault that children drank so much. I do know in some countries this would be seen like that. In southern English middle class homes the hostess does not make a comment or set rules for other people's children if parents are there. I know that sounds like 1950s etiquette book but nevertheless true. Am constantly thinking that with situations on MN where people are indignant about something which is quite normal somewhere else

but btw don't understand the'taking the piss' comments. Can someone explain ?

Finallyspring · 31/05/2011 08:02

YABNU

sorry can't resist this:

WHY why why why why why buy coke to give to children ever at all. Even squash ? Why pay so much money and carry home such heavy containers of sugar plus water plus chemicals ? WHY ?

Buy juice. Take home and dilute and put in jug. If you have guests add slices of fruit/ ice. Looks nicer, cheaper, better for you, lighter to carry

I know I know

Zimm · 31/05/2011 08:11

finallyspring* I'm with you...I just don't get it....sorry OP......the stuff is vile. I won't even buy it to serve to adults and some of my friends adore diet coke. If you want extra amo ccoca cola's crimes in the the third world are numerous..urrrgghh just don't buy it OP.

If I ignore the coke issue then YNBU OP - I hate meaness.

WhataWitch · 31/05/2011 08:19

Freeloading me thinks!

I hope they were hyper when they got home and were sick!

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