to expect my close family to have an 'In the event of my death' plan?

[MeRightYouWrongMeBigYouSmall]

Just had a terrible two weeks, what with the death of a family member together with constant bickering from various members of the family over the 'arrangements' Why do these things always bring arguments?

I'd rather not go into the details of the bickering exactly, but I wanted to let you all know this because it was the reason behind the following conversation:

I have spoken to my DP & parents and told them exactly what I'd like to happen when I pass on - I have no will at this stage (this is next on my agenda tbh) but feel that if everyone knows my wishes then it minimises any arguing when the time finally comes.

So, as we were discussing this I asked my parents if they had made wills to which they replied "No, why would we have a will - we have nothing to leave to anyone :) " Which is far enough IMO but I told them that I'd like to know what their 'wishes' were for funeral arrangements, after a lengthy conversation we agreed that they would write an 'In the event of my death' letter and seal it in an envelope leaving it with the rest of the important paperwork.

I mentioned this to a friend who was horrified that I'd had this conversation with my parents - she said it was like wishing their lives away!

Would you rather discuss these things? Or just leave it to be dealt with when the time comes?

As this thread is 'skirting' around death I'm sorry if it is not to your taste, it is not my intention to offend anyone. My friend has kind of made me feel guilty and I'd like to get different points of view.

Scout72, i recently asked one of my clients whether he wanted to say anything about his funeral, and he said he wants a disco . Others want their ashes chucked off the back of a cross channel ferry, or from a gondola in Venice.

A while ago one of my clients died and her husband climbed, as asked, to the top of some huge mountain on the Isle of Skye only to realise he'd forgotten to pack the ashes to be distributed. bless him, he'd travelled all the way from Birmingham.

when my uncle died (he was a keen fisherman and football fan), as he had requested, I divided up his remains and scattered some on the pitch at Old Trafford, and some in the river Tent.

I got into trouble with the police, though. They said I should have had him cremated first.

My Dh has specified a magnetic fields song (I think - I must get him to write it down) and he wants me to gather as many of his exes/random women from his life to wear sexy black dresses and weep and wail

BIL had "sweet child of mine" as the song as his coffin went behind the curtain thingy. Several of his friends did the "horns" sign. It was really fitting, and lots of Jack Daniels was drunk.

My Grandad had me and my sisters reciting "The owl and the pussycat" at his church do, and the choir walked down the aisle in front of the coffin, as he was a member for 50 years. There were mountains of cake afterwards in the church hall, so much so that there were some left over, and everyone said they wouldn't have been left if he was there :) Again, very him.

I'd probably want some kind of hippyesque situation, involving boas and glitter and flowers and the like. You're right though, I really should set it out.

My mum has actually made me try on her rings, to see which ones I should inherit, and the in laws keep telling us not to bother buying a house, as DH is now the only child, so we will inherit thier house, apparently. Our parents are mad.

My mother died a few years ago. She had a terminal illness ; she spent time writing what we were to do when she died, she knew the family would be in bits.

I cannot state enough how much of an assistance and enormous comfort it was to have an letter basically forming an instruction manual as to what we should do as regards the funeral, flowers, coffin type, hymms, flowers, (even down to the day of the week the funeral was to be) and other things in quite some detail.

It gave us relief and real satisfaction (if that's the right way of describing it) that we were able to carry out her wishes exactly as she wanted . When you're in a state of terrible grief when a relative dies like this, it's just what you need.

I couldn't care what happens to my body after I die. I won't be around to see if I'm buried or cremated. Or see what coffin was picked or what flowers etc. My family can throw me out with the rubbish for all I care, as long as they've donated my organs first!

I think it's a good thing to talk about in outline at least. For example I know dh would want to be buried and I know he would prefer to go 'home'. He knows I prefer burial, I'm not too bothered where but don't like municipal cemetaries. That's probably enough for now

If you are terminally ill though I think it must become one of those things that you either MUST talk about or cannot talk about at all. Bil was in the latter category which was a shame as it meant my sister and his daughters had to decide everything and agreeing things four ways amongst 4 distraught people was not easy. They did very, very well but it was hard.

Btw if anyone is thinking about coffins - the wicker ones are really pretty. My cousin's wife had one last summer and it was so much more her than any grim, plain wooden box.

Really good idea OP. Everyone should have a will too- it doesn't matter if you don't have much to leave. It makes the job of the grieving family left behind a LOT easier.

Mumblechum- do you have an ad on Mumsnet? I had a dreadful time finding a solicitor to do a will and frankly if you are a parent, knowing where you can get a will done is a lot more important than knowing where you can buy Boden, expensive scaled down bedroom furniture or some of the other stuff advertised on here.

Mumsnet could have a "get your will done" promotion week!

My Dad has a nice story of his uncle writing out instructions for his funeral. He was adamant that since he didn't like egg sandwiches, they were not to be provided. My aunt reminded him that he wouldn't be there and she was partial to egg sandwiches so she did want them to be on the menu!

When my grandfather died, my Dad said it was a great comfort to be able to just follow his funeral instructions and contact all the people he'd listed to be informed

I don't think it's morbid. I think it's practical.

Lisianthus and anyone else interested, yes, I do have a paid for advert on the small business section of Classified Ads

I'm not allowed to advertise onthese threads, but my advert is listed as "Will Writing Service recommended by Mumsnetters".

Mumblechum aka Marlow Wills did my will for me recently and she was really good at explaining everything and got the whole thing turned around very quickly

Thanks Sunny!

My PILs are like your friend.

Making a will or a list of their wishes is "morbid" and "tempting fate" and having a donor card is just asking for a rogue doctor to leap out at you with scalpel and whip your kidneys out for transplants to make their figures look good.

My mum has a bank account with enough money in it to pay for her funeral. She's also told us what hymns she would like and informed us not to waste money on flowers.

I've told my family exactly where I want my ashes to be illegally buried and what music I want at my service. I also have a donor card and all my internal organs so they know what to do there too.

YANBU. I often wonder when people say "it's what s/he would have wanted" if it really is. Why not leave instructions so they can get it right?

My parents have already sorted out their funerals and their wills. I know the basics of the contents and my brother and I have had joint power of attorney for years (just in case).

My inlaws on the other hand are a nightmare. We've told them endlessly to get a will sorted out. They keep laughing it off and joke that my BIL will have stripped the house by the time we get there. We've told them that we don't care who they leave stuff to but they have to leave it to someone/thing.

It's like hitting your head against a brickwall and I wish they would set up POA for my DH and his brother just in case.

If this is just about funeral arrangements - I don't care. Do as you like. I'll be dead. Play whatever music you like. Flowers, no flowers, what does it matter to me?

You should have a will though, even if you have nothing to leave you should stipulate who gets the dubious pleasure of sorting out all your stuff.

You wouldn't believe how many appointments I've had arranged by the wife and then cancelled at the last minute by the husband who feels that making a will is morbid, moribund and macabre! All those m words!

Just confirms my suspicion that women are often the practical ones.

I have the opposite problem my dd and dss are executors for dh and me yet both refuse to look at will drafts or our 'list of wishes' re sentimental items.They just say,'There'll be time enough when we have to!' or 'put colour coded stickers on stuff and we'll all have a treasure hunt after the funeral !!!!!!!'

My mum and dad are a bit obsessive about planning for this sort of thing. They were only in their late 50s when me and my sister signed all the documents giving us Power of Attorney over them if the situation arose. On instructions of my mum we have also been through her jewellery box, chose what we liked and she has had this written up into her will.

Apparently, getting Power of Attorney over someone is quite hard, if they are already in a position where they lack capacity, I think you have to go to court and pay quite a lot of money to get it sorted. Might be something to think about for those people with aged relatives.

We made wills when DS came along.

My Dad has a 'death file' which we are to go to when the time comes.