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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my close family to have an 'In the event of my death' plan?

69 replies

MeRightYouWrongMeBigYouSmall · 28/05/2011 19:22

Just had a terrible two weeks, what with the death of a family member together with constant bickering from various members of the family over the 'arrangements' Why do these things always bring arguments?

I'd rather not go into the details of the bickering exactly, but I wanted to let you all know this because it was the reason behind the following conversation:

I have spoken to my DP & parents and told them exactly what I'd like to happen when I pass on - I have no will at this stage (this is next on my agenda tbh) but feel that if everyone knows my wishes then it minimises any arguing when the time finally comes.

So, as we were discussing this I asked my parents if they had made wills to which they replied "No, why would we have a will - we have nothing to leave to anyone :) " Which is far enough IMO but I told them that I'd like to know what their 'wishes' were for funeral arrangements, after a lengthy conversation we agreed that they would write an 'In the event of my death' letter and seal it in an envelope leaving it with the rest of the important paperwork.

I mentioned this to a friend who was horrified that I'd had this conversation with my parents - she said it was like wishing their lives away!

Would you rather discuss these things? Or just leave it to be dealt with when the time comes?

As this thread is 'skirting' around death I'm sorry if it is not to your taste, it is not my intention to offend anyone. My friend has kind of made me feel guilty and I'd like to get different points of view.

OP posts:
Hassled · 28/05/2011 21:25

I wish my father had done this. He left no instructions, nothing - and it made a very hard time even harder. He was an atheist, his wife a Catholic - we compromised on a Church of Ireland (Protestant) service :o. Everyone should write an "in the event of my death" note.

Original poster
MeRightYouWrongMeBigYouSmall · 28/05/2011 21:37

Hassled - that is my main worry! My mum was raised protestant, my dad was raised catholic, there was a lot of anger between the families when my mum and dad got together. (Thats not a problem nowadays, but was unheard of back in the day I have been told)

My parents raised us as having no religion - we were allowed to make our own choices, so much so that my older brother chose a different school to the one myself and my younger siblings chose, anyway I digress....

I know that if anything were to happen to dad that his family (very large and very religious) would expect things to be done according to them, but that is not the way we lived our lives IYSWIM.

That's why I suggested that they give us instructions, makes more sense IMO

OP posts:
Meglet · 28/05/2011 21:40

yanbu.

My dad was always saying he wanted to donate his organs so we asked the doctors when he died, nothing could be used though as he was on huge amount of cancer medication. He would have come back and haunted us if we'd have bottled out of it.

I've made it quite clear they can take any bits of me they want.

maighdlin · 28/05/2011 21:52

no i think if you have wishes then you should make them known.

frankly for me I will be dead and couldn't give a shite what they do with me. i don't understand why people care what happens to their bodies, your dead!!

Tolalola · 28/05/2011 21:52

This is a really wise thing to do, IMO. When my father died very suddenly he was intestate and left no guidelines at all as he wasn't really keen on confronting his own mortality.

Looking back on it, it was really quite selfish of him, as of course it had no impact at all on the fact that he died, it just made everything way more stressful and difficult for us to sort out.

Everyone else in my family has sorted their wishes and we all know where each other's letters/lists are.

tallulah · 28/05/2011 21:53

The funeral is for the people left behind though. I was thinking about this the other day, but realised that as I won't be there I don't actually care what happens..

FessaEst · 28/05/2011 21:59

My sister moans every time I bring this up (not that often, but when we are all together on rare occasions, I try to give these subjects an "airing"). She finds it weird, but having worked in a job that involved dealing with bereaved people who often had not a clue what the deceased wanted, or worse, all had a different idea of Granny's views on cremation/donation/religious services, I think you can save a lot of stress by talking these things through.

We have recently made our wills and nominated guardians for DCs etc, and alll I could think was, "why haven't I done this before?". Only now I've done it do I realise how vulnerable a situation I could have left.

Dying is, afterall, the only certainty in life - nowt wrong with planning for it.

Original poster
MeRightYouWrongMeBigYouSmall · 28/05/2011 22:00

Oh I do care - I want to be buried, I want to have a headstone, somewhere for people to lay flowers once in a blue moon....

I suppose this comes from the fact that I find graveyards to be a very peaceful place and I enjoy reading other headstones and imagining the lives of those who have passed...

I'd like some girl like me to be wondering about my life as the read my headstone....

OP posts:
thighslapper · 28/05/2011 22:10

sensible, but rare i think.

I keep nagging dh to sort this all out with his parents & brother.

IME a relative of mine did not speak to his only brother for 12 years after their mother died due to the arguments about her house,bank account, funeral, belongings etc. Ended up having solicitors each and inheriting nowt as the solicitors fees sucked the lot up.......for nothing in the end.

DH will be in the exact same position when his parents kark it. For some reason, he wont speak to them about it though even though her saw it all at the time and knows whatc an and does (IMO WILL) happen.

Maryz · 28/05/2011 22:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pizzadelivery · 28/05/2011 23:27

from OP

Oh I do care - I want to be buried, I want to have a headstone, somewhere for people to lay flowers once in a blue moon....

I suppose this comes from the fact that I find graveyards to be a very peaceful place and I enjoy reading other headstones and imagining the lives of those who have passed...

I'd like some girl like me to be wondering about my life as the read my headstone....

I'm the same, wish I lived in the days where a hugh angelic headstone was the norm, not a most haunted ghost person, just facinated with the stories that headstones tell.

ChippingIn · 28/05/2011 23:37

For those of you who don't care what happens when you die - that's all good & well, but something needs to happen and it's very stressful trying to decide what - especially if different people want different things. It would only take you 5-10 minutes to write down your preferences and save others a lot of upset/arguements :/

MeRight - your friend needs to get a grip on reality - people die, and sadly people die young and unexpectedly as well... we all need a 'when I die' letter.... if only to help out those we leave behind.

springbokscantjump · 29/05/2011 01:12

My mom has one written up and placed where all her important documents. I think very helpfully she has done one for my dad (I don't think he really cares but it is important for my mom). We also know what items of jewellery we will get because my mom has a fab eye and realistically I think it could get a bit strained between sis and me.

On this line, my dh knows what hymns I want (mainly 'Here I am Lord' - I will haunt him if he forgets!), we have just taken out ajoint life insurance and have booked an appt to write our wills. Ah the difference having a small child makes!

mumblechum1 · 29/05/2011 01:17

This is close to my heart, as I'm a lawyer with a freelance will writing business. The vast majority of people never get around to writing a will, which potentially leaves all sorts of problems for their loved ones.

I always ask clients whether they'd like to specify funeral arrangements, either in the Will itself or in a separate Letter of Wishes. Some have complex plans, others leave it to the execs to decide.

MavisEnderby · 29/05/2011 01:18

Having lost my partner last year I think it is ESSENTIAL to discuss these things.dp died intestate and it took a lot of sorting,also I didn't really know his wishes re funeral etc.Much better if you can get it organised even if it seems like a "morbid" subject x

JamieAgain · 29/05/2011 01:35

I've done it.

I quite understand why people don't do it, but I have learned it makes life much harder for people left behind, so it's kinda selfish not to.

JamieAgain · 29/05/2011 01:36

Mavis - sorry about your partner. Sorry if I sounded judgmental above

MavisEnderby · 29/05/2011 01:39

No worries.We were both in "Head in sand" mode:)

whatever17 · 29/05/2011 01:54

I have told DS1 (20) to put me in a cardboard box rather than an expensive coffin and to punch my evil sister if she tries to get in the church.

I have also asked him to perform P-Diddy's "I'll be missing you" on stage in front of the congregation. Complete with "homeboy" type handsignals. Whilst saying "East side is the best, West side is the best" (a la Ali G).

I was just kidding about the P-Diddy.

MavisEnderby · 29/05/2011 01:56

Whatever are you a "Wire" fan?:o

TheBride · 29/05/2011 02:09

I wanted to be left in a forest to compost or get nibbled by wild animals but apparently that's not legal unless it's my own private forest with no right of public access. Ah well Grin

Anyway, agree it's very sensible. I wrote it down and put it in an envelope with my will. Actually, I'm very flexible- I'd prefer to be buried, but DH wants to be cremated, so I said if we die together, I dont mind being cremated to save the logistical hassle.

kickassangel · 29/05/2011 02:21

I think there are LOADS of people who don't get round to it, which is careless but pretty normal.

Those people who think it 'offensive' to talk about it are just selfish. They'd rather pretend to themselves that they're immortal, than save their loved ones time, money & a ridiculous amount of stress, by dealing with it.

Obviously, having a properly drawn up will, with other wishes noted, is best, and to keep it properly stored with other people knowing where it is.

However, if you can't get round to that, even a hand written note, saying, these are my wishes, please do your best to comply, can save a LOT of arguments etc.

Tbh once i'm gone, i want dd to be provided for, apart from that, i don't care. not like i'll be there to enjoy it. (I do have a will, btw)

nooka · 29/05/2011 02:34

My grandfather left the order of service he wanted in his missal, and when he died unexpectedly it was incredibly helpful. Stopped all sorts of family 'discussions' (my grandfather was a CoE Church Warden, all the rest of the family are Catholics). Plus it made everyone feel that bit closer to him when we said goodbye with the music and words he had chosen.

I think it is an eminently sensible and kind thing to do, not for yourself but for your family. Plus of course make a will.

whatever17 · 29/05/2011 02:37

Mavis - I am a "Wire" fan. Has that come out in my request? I just had this vision of my poor child performing a P-Diddy song which cracked me up.

Scout72 · 29/05/2011 22:35

YANBU. I wish both my parents had done the same thing. I didn't have a clue what they wanted and it was incredibly stressful at a time when I was already enormously stressed. Neither service was an adequate send off for them.

I have specified in my will that I personally couldn't give a rat's ass whether there is a funeral for me at all and it should only be done if my relatives really want one. I would prefer a party with a bit of informal reminiscing. And I've also specified that there should be no grave or memorial unless they want it too. Can't bear the thought of people going somewhere that means nothing to me because they feel it's the right thing to do.

Sorry you've had to have these conversations

Xxx