To want to go and punch my DPs Ex?

[bster84]

Tbf I am being UR, but today i really dont care.

Hes come home from the solicitors and is heartbroken, i just want to go and hit her round the head!!!

The emotional strain of turning up at a contact centre and showing his children are the most important thing to him and he is there even if she doesn't bring them is more than his children are worth?

But what do you want her to do if the DCs won't go? Drag them kicking and screaming? If you want suggestions, could his ex maybe meet your DP somewhere neutral with the children, such as a play centre, and she could stay as well so that the younger children feel comfortable? Then gradually they might relax and be a bit more comfortable with your DP. But if she is scared of your DP, as you suggested in your other thread, she might not want to do this.

I do think its unfair though to lay the responsibility at her door when your ex won't attend contact.

oneday I agree with you. I think his excuse is idiotic. I think it was the wrong choice. I think he should be there everytime regardless of whether his DCs are or not. But thats not my choice.

But he has been suffering with depression. He has decided that to turn up when there is no chance of the DCs there is too much for him.

Ive told him he treats his DD like a lad and he shouldnt. But how can he treat her differently or at least try to when she wont even see him? He sent her a letter apologising. His ex sent it back unopened. Apparently it upset the DD so much even to have a letter addressed to her come through the letterbox that she was insistent it be returned and wouldnt stop screaming until she sawe the ex post it back!

If by her you mean his DD? We have had feedback from the CAFCASS report last year and from the counseller who DD is seeing. We have also heard the comments direct from the ex.

Did she bring them to the contact centre OP?

He sent her a letter apologising. His ex sent it back unopened. Apparently it upset the DD so much even to have a letter addressed to her come through the letterbox that she was insistent it be returned and wouldnt stop screaming until she sawe the ex post it back!

If true, that is very extreme behaviour for a seven year old. :(

I agree that he should have continued with the contact centre I can understand why he has chosen not to, but I as a person less emotionally involved think its the wrong choice!!!

Millie That is what he wants yes. I know that isnt going to happen. We tried neutral. They still didnt come, thats what caused the fight between DP and exs DP.

I dont know what I want her to do. I think she could try harder to encourage the DCs, but yes i dont know what she goes through at her home. I think DP could try harder to be less angry with his ex. Even if she caused all the problems in the first place, surely we need to work on the problem now which is that his DCs wont see him. I dont know. I dont have enough experience with it all to understand.I just want the hassle to stop. Im fed up of life being about contact or no contact!

Yes it is easier to blame the ex than DP. I am rational enough to know that. But I do try and be the 'voice of reason with DP' so i just need somewhere else to moan about her really.

I am being unreasonable... sigh

So to recap OP, your DP was kicked out because his ex was having an affair, then ex sent her new man around to tell DP that he was a 'crap' father. A fight broke out, and now people are saying hes an abuser?

I'd take that with a pinch of salt if I were you. He may not be the worlds best dad, but hes a dad and he has a right to see his kids.

The law is shamefully bias against absent partners in access cases, and its no secret that a minority of women are utter cows who will poison their kids against an absent father and use whatever legal nastiness and misrepresentation they can to prevent access.

There is very little your DP can do except play it straight via the courts, and even then hes likely to lose.

How much child support is he paying?

squeaky you see i dont think its true. but i accept i dont know for sure. When he has seen his DD she is OK with him. Not great admitedlly, but she will play with him, cuddle him. Shes not clinging onto whoever came with her screaming!

so you're wanting to go round and 'punch' this woman?? presumably the children would be there to bear witness to all this??

you and your dp quite like the violence dont you!!

Millie She brought them to the centre but they wouldnt go in apparently. I dont know i wasnt there. DP says that she was clinging to the 7 yearold, constatly telling her she would be OK, but if daddy was horrible/mean/she got upset/wanted mummy the centre would ring her and she would come back straight away. He says it was in a tone and a way designed to inflame the situation rather than help. Contact centre staff made decision that DCs wouldnt go in as youngest was looking to his sister for guidance. She also brought eldest who flat out refuses to see DP so he was telling the little one not to go as well.

Op it is never a good idea to put step parent stuff on AIBU - you are here now though and a lot of the questions and issues put to you on the other thread are still here. Was your ex or was he not abusive, because it sounds very much like he was. I dont think you are doing anything wrong - you want to believe your partner, are upset because he is and care for his feelings but to be honest as you know, both on the step and lone parent forums there is thread after thread after thread about dads who want nothing more than to see their kids.

They get taunted, hassled, hauled through court and shamed regularly. They struggle terribly with emotions and moods and have an awful time but they dont hit anyone and they dont give up "because it is too hard for them". The only ones I know who go through all of that and give up normally do so after considerably suffering on the part of their children which they just cant keep creating for them, so they walk away and I dont agree with that but can understand it. They most certainly do not whine about themselves or their emotions when they have a viable and real chance to prove themselves both to their children and the authorities who have the power to support them in the future.

From what you are saying the ex does sound like a bitch and your partner has gone through the mill for his kids but he doesnt sound like much better and it sounds like the pair of them are engaged in a real power struggle - probably similiar to those that characterised their original relationship - and when your partner is losing he chucks all of his toys out of the pram. Hitting people and throwing a strop because its too emotionall for him to be in a contact centre for a little while is juvenile, immature nonsense. Are you sure you have the full story??

Ive already said i dont actually in the real world want to punch her. Its more a a metaphorical punch. I shall be more careful in my phrasing next time!

Ah I see. I can understand that it must have felt upsetting and humiliating for the DCs to be so upset and not wanting to see him, as contact centres are quite busy places and other people would be watching all this.

Why doesn't the eldest want to see him?

Pretty Thanks. I would say DP is not an abuser (obviously) Im sure i have the full story well most of it anyway. I was around them both for a reasonable about of time (same social circle) before me and DP got together. I suspect you are right. They are continuing their realtionship issues but over the DCs instead. I dont know how to stop that though. I guess ex wont be happy until DP is out of hers and DCs lives. I dont think DP will do that because he doesnt want to a)not see his kids and b)let her win
I honestly dont think i can take it anymore

millie Eldest believes DP left. He is angry about being abandonded and has taken his mums side in the whole arguement. Their realtionship was volatile - not physical but alot of shouting and I suspect it was extremely upseting for him to grow up in. He has always been closer to his mum than DP.

Oh bster that sounds rubbish - look until they BOTH decide to stop their little games with each other there isnt a lot you can do. I would lay money that even if he walks away give it six months it will start up again over something else. This has been going on for a long time and is unlikely to end soon if they refuse to leave each other alone - are you sure this is what you want for the foreseeable??

It sounds like a sad situation all round and I feel quite sorry for you being stuck in the middle of it!

You could be my ex's new girlfriend. She believes I'm the devil incarnate too. Because that is what my ex has told her.

He says I wont let him see the kids...but has only bothered to come to pick them up twice in 3 months.

He says I poison the children's minds against him...when my eldest draws his own conclusions by the fact that his visits and phone calls are so sporadic.

He says I wont allow overnight contact...he's right, I dont want my kids staying in a house with a woman and her teenage children that my ex has only known 2 months, particularly as he won't tell my solicitor his address. He wont have them at my parents or sisters despite numerous offers.

He says I won't divorce him...when my solicitors letters to his care of address at his brothers are ignored, and have been for 4 months.

He says I am rinsing him for money...when he pays £3 a week to the CSA and makes no other contribution, and I make pack up if he takes the kids out to make sure they get fed.

But I have lots of sympathy with you OP, because I believed all the shit my ex spouted about his older DCs mum when we got together. I'm so embarassed now that I believed every word he said. Luckily my DSSs mum is a decent person and allows me to have them once a month for a weekend so my DC can maintain a relationship with their siblings.

My advcie OP would be to invest in contraception, he's unlikely to change.

Sorry OP, but your boyfriend sounds like a loser. And a shitty father.

I suspect the ex has a better handle than you on his true nature. She doesn't sound like a charmer herself though.

I feel sorry for the kids.