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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to go and punch my DPs Ex?

72 replies

bster84 · 26/05/2011 17:09

Tbf I am being UR, but today i really dont care.

Hes come home from the solicitors and is heartbroken, i just want to go and hit her round the head!!!

OP posts:
millie30 · 26/05/2011 17:43

Looking again at your other thread, why wouldn't he go to the contact centre? Surely that would have been an ideal opportunity to prove himself and reconnect with his DCs.

Original poster
bster84 · 26/05/2011 17:45

Its lots of little things really, and I accept I only have what I witness and DPs side of the story, but she seems to want him gone out of her and DCs life.

DP has behaved idiotically. I cite frustration as an excuse, but still he should know better. I just want to help him. He loves his DCs, he just wants to see them.

OP posts:
Original poster
bster84 · 26/05/2011 17:48

Millie He felt it was pointless. I diasgree, i think it will be held against him ... see he couldnt be bothered ...

I think he should have carried on even if his DCs werent there, but as he has pointed out to me, I cant understand how he feels to turn up and them not be there.

I think he is being a bit self pitying .... but i want to help.

OP posts:
Original poster
bster84 · 26/05/2011 17:49

It was the text that his ex sent that annoyed me. But maybe she did send it to the wrong number ....

OP posts:
RogerMelly · 26/05/2011 17:49

I feel your pain, honestly, as me and my dh have been there aswell and in the end my dh had no contact whatsoever and even though the child is now an adult the mother has fed her with such toxic stories (none of them true, and I know it is easy for me to say but we have been together for 16years and no, I was nothing to with the break up and met him 2 years later) I just feel sorry for the child/ren really. None of it is their doing and none of it is their choice. cafacass are bloody useless aswell IMO

MrSpoc · 26/05/2011 17:50

why you all having ago at Op?

My ex kicked me out when she was pregnant. Then wanted me back then kicked me out two weeks later. All because she wanted to. There was not even an argument.

Some women/men are just knobs.

Reality - may be his daughter cried because he told her off for being naughty. Is this not aloud now?

Original poster
bster84 · 26/05/2011 18:09

Roger Do you mind me asking if it was court that said no contact or did you DH give up trying? How old were they when they stopped seeing him? I feel for his DCs too, I dont understand why she is doing this .. i really dont

MrSpoc Thanks

OP posts:
dittany · 26/05/2011 18:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BadNails · 26/05/2011 18:16

Try popping Parental Alienation Syndrome into Google. It's fairly well recognised in the States not so much here. It might not be what's going on in this case, but who knows?

My (professional) experience of CAFCASS has been fairly positive and I think you should feel hopeful that it's still rare for courts to order no contact at all. Of course a court insisting on contact can be a terrible result in abuse circumstances, but I'm assuming that's not the situation here.

HTH

squeakytoy · 26/05/2011 18:16

I think Dittany has a fair point here.

millie30 · 26/05/2011 18:19

You are right OP, it won't look good for him if he has not attended the contact centre. They keep a record of attendance. It really doesn't sound like he has helped himself, but I guess it's much easier to just blame the ex for everything.

Original poster
bster84 · 26/05/2011 18:21

Dittany Its a figure of speech, i wouldnt actually go and do it! Honestly!

DP is not an abuser! He got in a scuffle with another bloke. Once in all his years.

Gahhh. It doesnt matter. My steam has been let off now anyway....

Shes still an unreasonable nutter though Smile

OP posts:
dittany · 26/05/2011 18:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dittany · 26/05/2011 18:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

millie30 · 26/05/2011 18:32

Of course she's an 'unreasonable nutter.' My ex tells anybody who'll listen how obstructive and awful I am, how I've poisoned DS against him and how his predicament is entirely my fault. The truth is that he has to have supervised contact because he's a violent abuser, my DS screams when he sees him because he's aggressive, intimidating and useless with him and his predicament is entirely his own doing. He always turns up to contact though, your ex can't even do that!

millie30 · 26/05/2011 18:36

Your DP, not ex.

BadNails · 26/05/2011 18:45

The general principle is there though? It's not impossible for a parent/person to adversely influence a child in their thinking. That's really what I meant, but am aware of PAS as a terminology being used so used it myself! I'm not an expert in child psychology.

I haven't read your other thread OP but I agree with those who have written it's only in extreme circumstances that courts limit or prohibit access to children. For example, even where a person has been subject to many years of domestic abuse but the other parent has not touched the children, a court would still allow contact of some kind. The nature of that is entirely dependant on the age of the children and how they feel about the non resident parent.

I'm not even sure if you're asking a question now... I forgot this is AIBU! Perhaps you are... yours is not an enviable position, but not worth punching anyone.

dittany · 26/05/2011 18:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LDNmummy · 26/05/2011 18:52

It sounds like his ex is a cow and I have seen people poison their children like this (both men and women).

My parents were both terrible to each other during their divorce and unfortunately the only people who suffer from it are the children.

He is not doing himself any favours with his behaviour either so I think you should talk to him.

Original poster
bster84 · 26/05/2011 18:57

Dittany He does. He tells her she is being silly. He has told her she is being a brat. He tells her her breath smells when she hasnt cleaned her teeth. He doesnt mean them nastily, he was raised in a very rough and tumble house. His boys can banter back, she doesnt like it. Ive told him to stop it. Hes trying but i think sometimes they slip out!

Maybe i do have blinkers on, but its reasurring to know that its highly likely the court might keep trying with contact rather than just shrug.

millie Yes he cant even go to the contact centre. A wrong decision. He has decided the emotional strain for him is not worth it. He notified the centre, exs sol and the court when he decided not to go, so its not like hes just not turning up every week.

OP posts:
Original poster
bster84 · 26/05/2011 19:02

I honestly think that they both (DP and his ex) have made this situation. I think they both should be trying to fix it. But she wont. She has literally shrugged and said well they dont want to come. end of. It shouldnt be. Maybe DP should do stuff differently, if someone has a constructive suggestion he can take to mediation im all for it. He is living in cloud cuckoo land. I think he has taken the sol meeting so hard because he never ever thought he might not get contact.

I do blame his ex. I think she is around the DCs more so she has more influence on them than DP.

LDN Ive tried talking to him, he just... gahhhh i dont know .. hes being an idiot too.

Maybe my new question should be AIBU to slap DP?

OP posts:
onedayiwillflyaway · 26/05/2011 19:06

You sound a bit naive to be honest and I am not sure how you can know so much about what she is thinking and saying when you don't actually have any contact with her.

Oh and btw a father telling his daughter her "breath smells" is just awful by the way. Daughters learn how to relate to men from their Dad's, he should be making her feel special and wonderful, not insulting her. It is not banter its just bloody horrible.

"He has decided the emotional strain for him is not worth it. He notified the centre, exs sol and the court when he decided not to go, so its not like hes just not turning up every week."

And actually having read that, I am not sure that you are not taking the piss with this thread to me honest. Your DP sounds like a Prize Prat.

BadNails · 26/05/2011 19:06

Dittany, I can see how the idea can be manipulated. It's dangerous to label anyway and I should know better.

Ultimately, even between the most reasonable of people it's hard to not harbour a degree of resentment where children are concerned. The truth will out once the children are adults and OP, if you are ignoring warning signs, then it's just a matter of time.

I really should read the other thread...

onedayiwillflyaway · 26/05/2011 19:06

be not me.

hairylights · 26/05/2011 19:07

he cant even go to the contact centre. A wrong decision. He has decided the emotional strain for him is not worth it. He notified the centre, exs sol and the court

Oh dear. most people would walk on hot coals for their children. Surely it's not about the emotional strain on him? Surely he should be able to do anything to prove his commitment to them?