to think that unless your invited somewhere you shouldnt turn up!!!!

[loosingthewilltoo]

my lovely man is very socialble most of his friends dont have children.

And theres a friend who hs just return from oz i dont know her and there having a get together and we havent been asked by her if we're going.

i don't really know alot of them very well as im in with the children, but he wants to go but im thinking we shouldnt go as she hasn't asked us! i'm pretty nervous about going and ive tried to get my point across that i feel uncomfortable as i havent been invited. i dont want it causing a problem when we have had a drink on sat else will turn into a row and i'll be left on my own feeling paranoid!

I've got a simple rule - no invite, no go.

that is exactly what i think but he said its fine dont worry, someone who is going asked us if we were going!! but this isnt the same thing!

It depends. I have had someone turn up at something that I hadn't invited, but I was shocked when they told me I hadn't invited them. I honestly thought I had and my friend knew it would be fine to just turn up. But you have to know someone very well to know this.

It depends on the formality of the get together. If it's just a load of people going to the pub and your dp is usually part of that social group then it would be fine to turn up without a formal invite, I think.

If it was at someone's house or a more organised type of event that would be different.

Are you subconsciously looking for an excuse not to go? You don't have to go if you don't want to presumably, but maybe you need to find some way of working on your confidence.

we are going to the pub anyway but the get together is at her house. I know when we get to pub and meet up with friends who are going they'll be like come, but hasnt come from her.

X post, sorry. If it's at someone's house I wouldn't go without an invitation.

Do you actually know the woman?

besom i think your right i just don't know them they are such a close group i think if my dp didnt go they would call him he wont go without me he makes me go with him. but i'm a mum there not i don't really feel included with them but he just doesn't get it :( feeling bit crappy about it.

squeakytoy no i have never met her she's been in oz for long time.

I think it sounds like you are lacking in a bit of self confidence. Just because you are a mum, it doesnt mean you are not a person in your own right!

It sounds like an informal house party to me, not a specific invitation only "do".

I imagine the girl coming back from Oz has spoken to friends and said "having a party on the Sat, meet up in the pub, then everyone back to mine after".. and the "everyone" will include you as well.

Have you got a babysitter organised? :)

yeah i have a baby sitter organised.

and that is exactly what is, i know i'm my own person just since we have moved closer to this friends and family i've not made any new friends, think that plays a huge part so should i go?

I don't particularly enjoy socialising with dh's friends when they're in a big group. They've all known each other since primary school, so I often end up sitting there like a spare knob while they recount thier shared tales (most of which I've heard many times before). I'm sure he feels the same when he's with my friends.

But I have to do it someones for the sake of being sociable. Also it's much better for me if it's just one or two of his friends at a time. Maybe go out with dh in a smaller group so you can get to know some of them better?

Yes, you should go. If these people are your partners friends, they will want to meet you. You are more than just a mum, you are his partner!

In our social circle, which is quite huge, ten years ago, none of us had children, but gradually everyone grows up and start having families... you and your partner are one of the first in that group, and you will probably be great source of advice for any of the others if they are planning on being parents soon.

Making friends through your partner is the best and easiest way to build up your circle of friends and they certainly wont mind you being a mum, honestly!

Get out and have fun. :)

Yes, actually I think you should go. I think squeaky is probably right now I think about it. Especially if you think it would be noticed if your dh didn't go - that basically means your both invited I would have thought.

yeah i've known a lot of boys for long time its just the girls i dont know. the only socializing we do is with his friends as we moved away from where my friends live i need to make the effort and i do but there a very close group who go out alot together and its hard to try and become part of that

have to do it sometimes, not someones!

ok thank you getting bit teary now :) you've helped alot thank you.

I moved from Manchester to London (new job) and met my (now) husband and I didnt know anyone else, so I do sympathise, but you do have to bite the bullet and put yourself out into the social scene. If people dont get a chance to meet you then you will end up staying in the background, and be known as "xxx's partner, but she never comes out".

There are one or two couples who we know that are like that and although we see the male half of the partnership often, we rarely see their partners and so have never really had the chance to develop any sort of relationship with them.

If this girl has been in Oz for a long time, its quite probable that other friends will have met new partners during her time away, so there could be others who she doesnt know too.

A house party is a great way to get chatting with people, and get to know them a bit better though.

Oh loosing you sound really low! I hope you're okay.

From your OP it sounded like a more formal event and FWIW I would also have been apprehensive about going without an invite (this is the kind of thing DP and I argue about: my friends plan everything to the nth degree and it drives him mad; his say 'see you on Saturday' and consider that a plan, which makes me nervous!) It does sound like this is a casual 'let's all get together' though so I don't think you should be at all worried about invite etiquette or anything like that.

However, it now sounds more like you're worried about meeting new people and integrating with them. How often have you met the girls? Do you know much about them? (I'm just thinking that you can have a few conversation ideas / questions in your head for when you're with them) Just remember that people love talking about themselves, so ask lots of questions and be fascinated by the answers

yeah there are couples like that too who we never see the other partner, i dont want to become them. and im happy on netural grounds its else where i feel i shouldn't be there.

one of the guys is our neighbour and he always tells me to come out without dp sometimes but i never do i feel i shouldn't be there!

Oh, and tell DP how worried you are. Mine is a total social butterfly. Will talk to anyone, gets offered jobs/invites/free stuff everywhere he goes, often gets told off for 'flirting' when he thinks he's just being 'friendly' and really didn't used to understand that not everyone can do that. After one awful night where he got horribly drunk and left me on my own for hours with people I'd never met before I finally managed to explain that - although I appear confident most of the time - I am just not good at small talk or meeting new people. Now he will clutch my hand for the first half hour of any social event, personally introduce me to anyone I've not met before and only leave me if he can tell I'm chatting with someone I like and feel comfortable with. I know this makes me sound like a total wimp, but it's worked for us. I really hope you find a way that works for you

If you have a garden, or even if you dont, you could perhaps arrange a small evening in, or a bbq, round at your own house, ask your partner to invite a few friends round, not so many that it is overwhelming, but say 8-10 people, for the evening. You will probably feel more comfortable because it is on your own "home territory", and it gives you the chance to get to know them a bit better too. It will also give them a chance to get to know your kids too. Even if they dont have children yet themselves, they probably have nephews or nieces.

It does depend on the occasion. If its informal it doesn't matter as much if you turn up. By and large, though it's a pretty good rule not to turn up unless you've been invited. I've got a friend who always just assumes she's invited to things and it pisses people off. Not that anyone has a problem with her coming to most things, its just the presumption. So I'd err on the side of not going, unless you can discreetly find out if its OK.

jenga snap the flirting bit but being friendly makes me feel anxious these are all women with bodies children weren't grown in although i'm smaller than all of them in figure size its still they are untouched by the toils of pregancy :) lucky buggers!

but DP will stay with me ish but he'll disappear and i'm left trying to talk to ppl who i don't really know! its hard.

squeakytoy we have a garden my pride and joy :) we have had a few bbq's invited a few of them and had days out at the beach which have been good but its normally the guys that come which is great as they love the kids. I feel guilty that DP doesn't have the life he used to he tells me doesn't matter but i can see it does sometimes