To want some occasional sexy time?

[strawberrymewmew]

Okay, so really I just need opinions on whether IABU or my DP is. I am also going to show him this thread.

So basically, I have a fairly high sex drive although not freakishly high. It would be nice if we maybe had 1 or 2 nights a week where we are intimate, but my DP is never in the mood, he says that he just doesn't have a high sex drive although at times he has been ermmm, pretty randy.

Normally we have sex maybe once every 2 sometimes 3 or more weeks, he says that that is normal and what most couples sex lifes are like, I don't think this is true. He also calls me unfair and says that all I care about is sex because I am in the mood a lot more than him. It is really starting to get me down as I am pregnant and I know once our DS is here we wont have the time even if we want to.

A few weeks ago I got quite upset because we were in bed and I tried it on and got rejected, this ended up in me crying saying it felt like he no longer wanted to get close to me and him simply saying that he didn't have a high sex drive and I was being unreasonable expecting it all the time (which I didn't). He let me cry and basically let me believe that the problem was un-fixable and I was just going to have to deal with the fact he doesn't really want a very sexual relationship, then I found out he had masturbated that day... So who is being unreasonable here?

Thanks in advance.

Oh and he is only 24 and very loving otherwise, infact fairly clingy.

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable, per se; rather that you have incompatible sex drives.

I honestly don't know what to suggest. DH wants it more than I do, and we can go weeks when we don't do it all, and then weeks when we will do it every day. Nothing is 'normal', just what's normal for you.

The masturbating thing is, on the face of it when you're having these issues, annoying and a bit of a slap in the face, but sometimes you do just want some, um, alone time.

As I say I don't really know what to suggest since if you're not in the mood you're not in the mood. Hopefully someone a bit wiser will be along soon with some more practical suggestions. :)

Thanks 5Dollar.
I'm pretty sure I could have dealt with it a little better if I hadn't found out about his secret little time with himself. As you said it was a slap in the face and made me feel a bit useless. :(

I think that HE is being unreasonable.

I've got to say though, guys tend to want to bugger off and have a wank now and then. I can understand you being pissed off too because we never feel sexy when we're waddling around like a doped up penguin and it's nice to have the reassurance that we are still hot stuff.

For him to make out that he isn't that sexual, leave you crying and tell you that you'll just have to get used to it is bang out of order though, especially as you're pregnant and he'd just had a wank. Perhaps you can talk to him about doing a little seduction and getting YOU in the mood for it instead of buggering off to have a quickie with Mrs. Palm and her five daughters?

As for most sex lives, I can't comment on other peoples but DH and I get frisky almost every night and I'm 30 and he's 50, so perhaps I'm not the best person to give advice on this.

If I think of anything that might help, I'll post again. Sorry if this whole post was a bit useless

Thanks Sephrenia, I just showed him the thread (which he wasn't too happy about obviously). But is saying that I'm getting mixed feedback, so I'll just have to wait and see if anyone else posts.

And you're post wasn't useless. :o

I have to admit that sometimes I just want to take care of myself and not be bothered with sex, so I don't think that's just a bloke thing.

Strawberry, has this been going on throughout the relationship? My sex drive is always higher in pregnancy, could that be causing the imbalance?

Otherwise, I think my real concern is that he's not eager to fix the problem. When we get out of kilter - and it can go either way, with us - we talk about it and try and fix the problem, whether by putting aside more couple time to see if it gets us in the mood, or establishing that there've been unusual factors at play recently (bouts of illness, business trips) and what seems like A Problem really isn't...

Letting you cry and saying you'll just have to get used to it is really not a good sign for the future, though. Obviously he shouldn't have sex he doesn't want, for your sake, but if there's this much of a discrepancy this early in the relationship (I assume, given ages), you'll have to talk about the issue going forwards. Is he happy with an open relationship, for example?

You should compare your relationship to other people's, it doesn't matter how many times other couples have sex at all!

I don't think either of your are unreasonable, just a little sexually incompatible, but that doesn't have to be the end of the world! Dh & I have got through 22yrs being incompatible, but it isn't the be all & end all, so we function fine! I agree though that you do have to come to terms with it, if you are to stay with him. This is (probably) who he is. Unless that has happened over night (his low drive) it is obviously something you must have been aware of.

He has noticed (rightly or wrongly) that you always want sex. If he were badgering you, you wouldn't feel too great either & would certainly start to be put off by his advances. . If you need to be satisfied & he can't/won't/ doesn't want to, you need to find a way to sort yourself out on odd occasions. Obviously this isn't the answer, but it helps sometimes.

I am afraid that he is allowed to masturbate. That has no reflection on you & shouldn't be perceived as a sap in the face. It certainly isn't a bloke thing at all. It is just something some of us do now & then, and yes,.....it is easier than sex. You don't have to worry about anyone else & it can last as long/be as quick as you like. It's harsh, but it's allowed.

Sex isn't about having as much as you can before something happens (i.e birth) because it may be limited after wards. You are not going to forget how to do if you aren't screwing up to the delivery date.

You shouldn't compare your relationship to other people's,

If's he's jerking off on the sly, he's obviousy got a higher libido than he's willing to admit to.

Was he raised in the Catholic faith, or in an overtly religious family?

Maybe he 'rations' sexual intercourse because he believes sex is sinful?

Maybe he misguidedly believes that sex in pregnancy will harm the foetus?

Maybe he feels that pregnant women should be put on some kind of 'untouchable' pedestal?

Maybe the thought of the impending responsibities that will inevitably enuse now that he has impregnated you has got him running scared?

Maybe he just isn't into you, and wishes he'd had the cojones to end it before you got pregnant?

Maybe he fanices men more than women?

Whatever the cause or the reason, I hope you'll both be on the same page before and after the arrival of your dc.

Refusing to discuss it and just saying that it is your problem is definitely U and a woman saying that to a man on here would get short shrift!

If it is pg related then slightly more understandable as some men do go off it when their partner is pg, mine has and it has caused us no end of problems, mainly because of his refusal to talk about it. I really dont think that my DH realises just how rejected and unwanted I feel that he wont come anywhere near me, especially after having a high sex drive pre-pg, it puts allsorts of thoughts in my head. Is he getting it somewhere else? Am i just horribly fat and unattractive? Is our sex life over for good now?

He doesnt get that it isnt the lack of sex as such that is the problem but the lack of closeness and the way that his refusal to talk means that I end up making up my own answers.

If he has always been like this then a compromise is clearly needed and I can recommend "date night" which is something we started a couple of years ago. We agreed one night a week where we made a special effort to have a nice dinner and actually talk and spend time together, rather than just sitting in front of the TV, and sex was a part of that. It meant that we knew that there was atleast one night a week put aside for "us" time.

But just saying no, leaving you upset and refusing to have any discussion is selfish. It may not change the situation but atleast you will have a better understanding of why he is being like this.

its quite common to be really horny when your prego, but your partner not satisfying your sexual needs for any prolonged length of time in a long term relationship is never a good thing, it tends to lead to feelings of rejection and resentment and leaves the rejected partner feeling there is something wrong with them. none of these thing are good for you guys. its all well and good saying you have different sex drives but that is actually a fundamental problem and i dont think enough emphases/effort is made to solve the problem for couples. sex is a vital part of intimacy and a great way of coming together and just being the to two of you again especially after children, great for re-bonding. saying that its one persons problem shows an incredible lack of maturity and also perhaps a willingness to deal with the problem, also wanking doesnt equal libido. its not necessarily the same thing people wank to get to sleep or as tension release. yadnbu, he needs to man up a bit here and take some initiative.
i may be talking a load of horse shit but i feel quite strongly about sex in long term relationships

YANBU, 1 every 2-3 weeks at your age isn't normal IMO especially if he is cracking one out on the sly. Has it only been like this since you were pregnant? What was it like at the beginning of your relationship. I know everyone is different but as time progresses things do slow down in that dept but you'll be at a standstill you need to discuss it with him.

izzy

Myself and my DH are cradle Catholics have a very happy lovelife and no hang ups about having sex with each other I wish you'd stop making these sweeping generalisation about Catholics.

OP I would be very unhappy if my husband 'saw to himself' as opposed to spending time loving each other. I think he's is a bit immature as it is more teenage lad than grown man with a wife. Ignore those gammy things izzy said about him wishing he'd left you before the bairn or fancying men she is being ridiculous. He just has to get use to being a couple it'll all work out for you I am sure

There is no 'normal' when it comes to how often a couple has sex, but it has to be mutually acceptable. I'd probably like it every other night, DH every night so we do it most nights. I will say that the nights I'm not that much in the mood I still enjoy it. That's after 4 years together and one child. It's certainly not 'normal' to barely have sex, most couples do it more than once or twice a month. He's being childish and unhelpful by making it your problem. I'd worry about a 24 year old man who barely wants sex, what is going to happen as he gets older?

how did you find out he had been masturbating that day though? did he tell you as a reason why he didnt want/need sex?

Thank you everyone. :) He is actually looking at these posts and I think realising he has been a bit U for not talking to me about it.

And no it hasn't just been since I got pregnant. In the beginning he had a fairly normal sex drive, we were at it maybe twice a week.

I love him very much but the comments about closeness really hit the nail on the head. I just miss the intimacy of it.

And no Izzy, he is not gay and doesn't wish he had left me, in fact he gave a very dirty look when he read that post! I also think your comments about Catholics are a bit off, we're not Catholic but some of my family and friends are and they would have been a bit shocked and offended to read your post.

I just felt when I found out he had the wank that he must have had a higher sex drive than he was letting on, however checked the computer and found out he had been looking at pictures of me while doing it! Wth. I have no idea how to explain that.

Dropdead - I found out that night because I jokingly said "you've probably been off for a wank", and then the way he said no he hadn't I knew he had been lying. He eventually fessed up.

There is nothing wrong with the sex drives either of you have. Nothing wrong with masturbation. Nothing wrong with a partner saying no to sexual advances.

What is wrong is the level of communication about it. It's a discussion that needs to happen outside of the bedroom and not following a rejected advance.

Would you consider counselling if you're struggling to discuss it between yourselves? You're hurt, he's defensive, sounds like you're both accusatory. Really it's hard to discuss this in the way you need to because of the emotive nature of it but I do think it's something you can work out.

I would consider counselling but he thinks we don't need it....

intimacy does not always have to be about sex.

massage, or lots of lingering kisses and cuddles can still let partners know how special they are without having to go all the way, but you never know it might get him back in the mood

you need to talk and talk and talk some more - go to counselling together?

I know something of how you feel - recently found about DH porn viewing/wanking habit which has been going on years - in which time we have had very "dry" periods especially when i was pg/kids were babies. having talked loads, cried loads, decided we want to be together, our sex life is better than ever!

I am like your DH....once every two or three weeks is perfect. I just dont always want the physical intimacy that sex brings. I am quite a loner....but also can be clingy.

I also masturbate on occasion. You can't get angry if your DH chooses to masturbate rather than have sex wwith you.....self pleasure is a personal thing and very different to sex. Your hormones WILL be making you more sensitive....councelling won't mend his sex drive or put it in line with yours.

You may benefit from the communication aspect of it though....

It's wrong to say "he fessed up" because he should not be made to feel guilty about masturbating.

I've never made him feel guilty about masturbating, just as he has done the same with me. It was the fact he told me he had no interest in anything sexual and denied that he had masturbated. And it wouldn't have been out of embarrasment as we have always been quite open about "self service".

Does he watch a lot of porn? This can lead to him preferring porn to actual sex with you. I'd suggest counselling before the baby comes. Once the baby is here, it'll be extremely difficult to get this sorted out, plus you'll be under even more pressure.

No, he never watches porn (he doesn't like it). If he does go for one he only looks at pictures of me. That's what confuses me.