To want some occasional sexy time?

[strawberrymewmew]

Okay, so really I just need opinions on whether IABU or my DP is. I am also going to show him this thread.

So basically, I have a fairly high sex drive although not freakishly high. It would be nice if we maybe had 1 or 2 nights a week where we are intimate, but my DP is never in the mood, he says that he just doesn't have a high sex drive although at times he has been ermmm, pretty randy.

Normally we have sex maybe once every 2 sometimes 3 or more weeks, he says that that is normal and what most couples sex lifes are like, I don't think this is true. He also calls me unfair and says that all I care about is sex because I am in the mood a lot more than him. It is really starting to get me down as I am pregnant and I know once our DS is here we wont have the time even if we want to.

A few weeks ago I got quite upset because we were in bed and I tried it on and got rejected, this ended up in me crying saying it felt like he no longer wanted to get close to me and him simply saying that he didn't have a high sex drive and I was being unreasonable expecting it all the time (which I didn't). He let me cry and basically let me believe that the problem was un-fixable and I was just going to have to deal with the fact he doesn't really want a very sexual relationship, then I found out he had masturbated that day... So who is being unreasonable here?

Thanks in advance.

does he get enough sleep and excersise? Both of these are important with regard to sex drive...

No, he doesn't really exercise. His work is on the computer so he basically lives on it, most of the time I feel like his relationship is with the laptops. :(

Counselling doesn't have to be a big thing or mean that your relationship is in serious trouble, though. In fact if your relationship was in serious trouble, counselling would be pointless. It works best as an early intervention in situations like this where the relationship is good in general but there is one issue that both partners are finding it hard to talk about, either because they don't know what to say or because they are afraid of upsetting the other person.

I think it would be helpful, him saying that you don't need it is probably him being afraid more than anything :) you could always go for a couple of sessions to see how you get on, and then decide whether to carry it on or not.

The wanking thing I think you should not read too much into, for a lot of people it's an entirely separate urge, and not related to the drive to want to have sex at all. I know for me it is. Sex is more about being close to someone, wanking is a purely physical thing. I can't do it to pictures of people for this reason, though that might just be me.

You haven't answered the pregnancy questions, and you don't have to of course, but it's worth thinking about. Is this your first child? If not, has he reacted this way to you while pregnant before? If it is a pregnancy thing then it could be temporary, but you still need to talk about it.

I'm going to say as well what I always say on sex threads - the problem is not about sex. Compromising is never going to work because both of you will end up feeling short-changed and the underlying problems will still be there - the way you are feeling about sex is most likely a symptom or manifestation of other things which are going on. You can try to find out what these things are if you both make a list, privately, of (for you) what it is you miss about sex - so intimacy? physical sensation? the fact he's paying 100% attention to you? feeling physically desirable? etc etc. and (for him) what it is that he finds off-putting about sex at the moment, so too tiring? rather be doing something else? feeling under pressure? etc etc. You have to be HONEST in your lists, even (and especially) if the reasons might be hurtful to your partner. You're not going to look at each other's list, so don't worry about that. The important thing is that you recognise what each of you are feeling yourselves. Then you can reword it in a more tactful way or turn it around to say what you do want from each other, so maybe more time alone/more emotional support/reassurance that he finds you attractive/ability to just spend some time together cuddling, kissing etc with no expectation that it will go further... etc etc. and hopefully, by doing this you can come up with some things to do together which fulfil what both of you want.

Was he masturbating to pics of you in your non-pregnant state?
Is he put off by you getting bigger do you think?
According to a lot of mumsnetters it's pretty common for some men to be not interested in sex with heavily pregnant partners, however horrible that might seem.
He is being selfish though, what about your sexual needs? If he really doesn't fancy penetrative sex, what about using sex toys together?

Thank you Bertiebotts(love the name!).

In answer to the pregnancy questions, this is our first baby and he says that the idea of being pregnant doesn't put him off sex at all. Well maybe one of the last times when one of my nipples started leaking.

I think we do need to talk more and understand our reasons behind wanting to/not wanting to. The problem really is getting him to talk. :/

However I think reading this has given him a bit of an insight into just how off I am feeling about it, last night he made an actual effort at lying with me and cuddling and such after reading the first few posts.

I suspect our problem is that the flame or passion has kind of gone a bit from our relationship. We are very loving with each other and I would never dream of having an open relationship as I suspect this would just wreck our relationship and I couldn't go near anyone else.

I think the "date night" idea was a very good suggestion.

Malificence Yes he is but I'm now smaller than I was pre-pregnancy.
We have occasionally used toys together but I don't like using them when I am pregnant. :(

As he has been wanking then he is 'in the mood' more then he is saying imo. Not saying it's a wrong thing to do but when it's affecting your sex life then he should stop doing it. JMO :)

I did ask him if he could stop while we were having problems to see if it would help and he happily agreed. Doesn't seem to have made much difference though so I am not too bothered about it anymore and realise it was probably out of boredom. Even though I felt a bit :( because of it.

It may be that we just spend too much time together, as his work is on the computer and I am disabled right now and cannot work we are always sitting beside each other.