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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to send a bit of a mean email to my 'father'

34 replies

CandyS · 26/05/2011 00:21

Sorry it's a bit long!
Long story short, my father walked out on my mum when I was 2 months old. He saw me until I was 2, then got re-married, moved away & pretended I wasn't his.

No contact with him since then...until 2 years ago he messages me on facebook, explaining he was young etc & now feels bad about missing out on 21 years of my life...any chance I'd see him again?
I 'defriend' him as he fails to explain his absence up until that point.
1 year later he then finds out that I'm getting married & sends a 'jokey' 'How come OH didn't ask my permisson to marry my daughter?!' message, asking if he is invited to the wedding. I ignore this.

Now DH & I are expecting our first child this December, and I need to know if there are any hereditary problems in his family. Personally I would like to word this message like so; 'Hello, I have the misfortune of sharing DNA with you. What illness/conditions occur in your family which are likely to be hereditary? Need to know as I am having a child later this year. This child will have nothing to do with you, as to be a grandfather, you would've spent time being a father. Or something a bit more harshly worded.

DH thinks a message such as the one above is childish. I think it a fantastic idea, because although I honestly do not care about this man, I think any father who abandons his child should be made to regret it at every opportunity.
If anyone agrees with me, I would love to be able to send something even harsher & bitchy-er. Mwhahaha.
If you agree with my DH...I blame my hormones for my bitchiness!!

OP posts:
nijinsky · 26/05/2011 00:28

Would you trust him to tell the truth?

I get your DH's point, but equally a rude-ish email might do you some good! I think for you to accept him into your life, he would have to do a lot of taking of rudeness from you without complaint.

HalfPastWine · 26/05/2011 00:29

I think any father who abandons his child should be made to regret it at every opportunity.

Sorry OP, I think you're being a bit harsh here. Untill you meet him and get his side of the story you may never know the real reason he walked out.

ninedragons · 26/05/2011 00:34

Sorry, that is childish. And unlikely to get a sensible response. He's hardly going to reply to that and say oh right, glaucoma on my dad's side of the family and my maternal aunt died of breast cancer.

Can you ask your mum if she knows of any hereditary problems in your father's family?

If you want the information, you're going to have to ask for it in more neutral terms (and leave yourself open to messages about seeing the child).

Original poster
CandyS · 26/05/2011 00:48

ninedragons Mum doesn't know anything about his family history (last time she spoke to him, 20 years ago, all his parents, grandparents etc were still alive & healthy).

halfpastwine I asked him to explain his reasons either on facebook or over the phone but he never got back to me about it. Every message he sent me, he ignored all my comments/questions about his absence in my life.
Although, I agree with you...not ALL fathers who abandon children, I understand some have good reasons too, but mine has never managed to explain them.

I think, judging on responses so far, I'll ask him all nicely & friendly & then just cut contact with him when he lets me know what I need to know?

OP posts:
galletti · 26/05/2011 00:54

No, don't send it. What about startng again with him and giving him the chance to explain his actions, just the two of you? In the not too distant past, mothers 'abandoned' their children, through no choice of their own, but it didn't mean they didn't love them. Maybe its the same for your dad?

OK, his jibe about the wedding wasn't good, but maybe his eay of wanting contact?

Maybe give him a chance even through email/facebook, and see where it goes.

You do sound like you are hurting, and this might be the best way to stop that. And remember whatever we think of our family, they are still are family, and he does sound like he wants to get to know you.

Original poster
CandyS · 26/05/2011 01:09

galletti I know after posting a thread such as this, it sounds like I'm lying but I geniunely never think about him. The only reason he came up is because the midwife asked me about family history. The last time I thought about him, was on my wedding day when registra asked if I wanted his name on the wedding certificate.
I know it sounds a bit odd, but because I never had him in my life, I don't 'miss' him.

Obviously there are two sides to every story, but mother told me he split up with her as she would not get me aborted (she's a very radical 'free spirt' hippy sort so this is believeable).

OP posts:
ninedragons · 26/05/2011 01:13

You don't have to tell him about the baby. Your own GP could be interested in any health issues that might affect you (eg diabetes). He will almost certainly ask why you want to know, but you can ignore that if you want to.

thumbwitch · 26/05/2011 01:14

I think your nasty email is childish, yes - but agree with galletti that it is coming from some hidden hurt that you aren't acknowledging, probably because it was buried deep when you were a little girl and you've "got over it" - except you haven't really, despite thinking you have. Your need to hurt him shows that.

Send him a very short, to the point email asking if there is any medical family history that you should know about as you are thinking of starting a family and want to be aware of any risks.

And perhaps consider letting him make amends of some sort? Although I can see why you wouldn't necessarily want to.

iscream · 26/05/2011 01:28

You have not come down with any hereditary disease so far have you? You (and your dh) could go and have a genetic testing yourself if you want to know if you carry any bad genes. But if you really feel your father has some medical information that he has not bothered to tell you about, just ask him in a civil "tone". If you expect an honest answer. Then cut contact and block him.

thumbwitch · 26/05/2011 01:35

iscream - there are lots of inherited conditions, or ones with a genetic link, that don't start until later in life; if I've read it correctly, the OP is only 25 so may be too young to have experienced anything medically. But it's not just about known hereditary diseases - it's family history of diabetes, heart disease, cancer etc.

iscream · 26/05/2011 02:05

I guess that is true. If I had known of my fathers family medical history, I probably would not have had any children. My son is going to adopt due to what we now know. However Candy is already pregnant, so it seemed a bit of an afterthought.

.

iscream · 26/05/2011 02:07

Ignore my ramblings Candy, I have a bad headache, probably contradicting myself all over the place.

SockShitter · 26/05/2011 03:00

You are not being unreasonable to want to send an arsey email But if you want a genuine response you won't get one .

Dear Candy's dad, I am trying to find out my medical history for personal reasons can you please let me know if there is anything important I should tell my doctor.

Don't even tell him why you need the info let him think you only care about finding out for yourself. Otheriwse he might not give you the information you need or could hassle you about seeing the baby.

Good luck by the way!!

PenguinArmy · 26/05/2011 03:21

I think it's too much hate to have to send a nasty email. If you feel you want to know about possible genetic problems then I agree with SS's post.

FWIW I had a similar situation with my father. I've just generally felt sorry that he wasn't able to confront what he did etc. as it must hold you back in some way.

MorticiaAddams · 26/05/2011 09:42

I completely agree with SS and PA.

You are quite rightly full of anger but what worries me is that this is going to put a dampener on your early time with your baby. It's hard to understand how any parent can do that but it's going to feel even worse when you have your baby and try to comprehend your father's actions then. For your own family's sake it might be worth trying to make some peace even if you don't want a reconciliation.

jenga079 · 26/05/2011 09:58

We're in a semi-similar position as DP hasn't seen his dad since he was an infant (and had some unwanted facebook contact) and we're now expecting our first child. Our midwife was only interested in 'immediate family' so we told her as much as we knew and didn't contact him. I can understand why you'd want to know his medical history, but maybe check with your midwife just how important it is likely to be.

JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns · 26/05/2011 10:04

just curious, why do you need to know, neither me or dp have any contact with biological fathers, they both left us at under 1. we can contact them but we didnt, kids are fine, knowing they may get cancer or something one day wont stop it happening... or am i missing something?

MotherPanda · 26/05/2011 10:10

I think that by telling him about the child, he will interfere. Do you really want this stranger to know something so personal about your life? If you don't want him to contact you, then make no contact with him. You cant expect him to stop pestering you if contact him.

You don't really need to know about any hereditary problems in advance. If there are any, then you'll know when the baby gets scanned/is born/grows up and they can be dealt with.

Your mum might know if theres a particular problem, but otherwise its really not important.

Not worth the stress, in my opinion,

If you did have the information, what would you do with it? decide not to have children because you know they might have migraines?

TakeItOnTheChins · 26/05/2011 10:13

You're about to have a child. Grow up.

RunAwayWife · 26/05/2011 10:19

I would send it

heymammy · 26/05/2011 10:19

Don't send that message. Seriously. I understand you are upset with him but it makes you sound like a stroppy teenageer. I wouldn't bother contacting him at all if you have no wish to reconcile.

I am adopted and have no knowledge of my medical history, not everyone has access to that sort of information so its not unusual. That's what I told the midwife and that was the end of it.

MooMooFarm · 26/05/2011 10:19

I wouldn't contact him at all. You say you never think about him - if so don't waste your time or energy thinking about him now.

You're having a baby whatever, and anything he may tell you will make no difference to that. Lots of people aren't able to establish their family histories so your baby will be no worse off than an enormous amount of people. To me it wouldn't be that important TBH. Most people have some kind of history of heart disease or cancers somewhere down the line but all you can do even if you know that, is be as healthy as you can, surely?

I would say you do need to truly forget him by moving on, letting go of the anger and allowing yourself to be happy with him having no part in your life. The odd email, no matter what it's about, means you are in his life - and you are then inviting him into yours.

MooMooFarm · 26/05/2011 10:21

PS forgot to say - IMO if you send the message you are planning on, you are basically telling him 'Look how fcked up I still am over you leaving me'. Do you really want to do that? And if you do, actually then maybe you do* still have issues you want to work through with him....

Dropdeadfred · 26/05/2011 10:25

i would have thought that now you are pregnant any info regarding potetntial heriditary problems would be too late anyway..?
dont send him any message if you truly dont want him in your life
he will have got the message from you ignoring his previous messages

(you kind of sound like you want something from him though..even if it is regret)

thirtysomething · 26/05/2011 10:27

To those who have said "grow up" please think about what you are saying.

The hurt and sense of abandonment at having been ditched by your father as a very young child can for some people be enormous, and can impact significantly on their self-esteem. It certainly had this effect on me.

OP I totally get why you'd want to see this email. I think it's your right, personally, to express your hurt and anger in this way if you feel like it. He abandoned you, without any plausible explanation or attempt to maintain contact when you were a child. That was his choice, however complicated things may have been. You were a baby. I think it's precisely because he didn't see you grow up that you still have the "child-like" element in your relationship - you have never been given a chance by him to move beyond that. It most probably will either get no response whatsoever or unleash a process of self-defensiveness you may not like, but at least you will have communicated some of how he has made you feel.

I know that if I knew where my Dad was or whether he's still alive even, I would feel like letting him know how much he hurt me.

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