To want to send a bit of a mean email to my 'father'

[CandyS]

Sorry it's a bit long!
Long story short, my father walked out on my mum when I was 2 months old. He saw me until I was 2, then got re-married, moved away & pretended I wasn't his.

No contact with him since then...until 2 years ago he messages me on facebook, explaining he was young etc & now feels bad about missing out on 21 years of my life...any chance I'd see him again?
I 'defriend' him as he fails to explain his absence up until that point.
1 year later he then finds out that I'm getting married & sends a 'jokey' 'How come OH didn't ask my permisson to marry my daughter?!' message, asking if he is invited to the wedding. I ignore this.

Now DH & I are expecting our first child this December, and I need to know if there are any hereditary problems in his family. Personally I would like to word this message like so; 'Hello, I have the misfortune of sharing DNA with you. What illness/conditions occur in your family which are likely to be hereditary? Need to know as I am having a child later this year. This child will have nothing to do with you, as to be a grandfather, you would've spent time being a father. Or something a bit more harshly worded.

DH thinks a message such as the one above is childish. I think it a fantastic idea, because although I honestly do not care about this man, I think any father who abandons his child should be made to regret it at every opportunity.
If anyone agrees with me, I would love to be able to send something even harsher & bitchy-er. Mwhahaha.
If you agree with my DH...I blame my hormones for my bitchiness!!

What is the reason for you emailing him?
Is it to tell him in a roundabout way you are having a baby?
Is it because you feel cross with him. Pregnancy can throw up alot of issues that have been buried in families.

f it is as you originally state to find out about genes, illnesses etc. Well he's not going to tell you if he receives that email. Because it full of anger. He'll probably ignore it which will jsut annoy you even more.

You sound quite bitter and resentful. I think you should look at your reasons before your baby arrives.
My DP has been in a similiar situation with his real father who left them when he was months old. I know my DP had some emotional tussles when we had our children because he couldn't understand why his real father never 'wanted' to know him. But there are 2 sides to every story...

I think if you send a nasty email you'll be cutting off your nose to spite your face. Your objective is to find out whether there are any hereditary illnesses on his side of the family. So just ask him.

The anger and bitterness and rejection and abandonment is a separate thing, and it isn't going to be eased by punishing him and - indirectly - yourself by antagonising him even as you ask for information.

If you give yourself a bit of time and space to work through and understand your own feelings, you might even get to a place where you can let him know exactly how you felt all that time. Who knows - he might even take it on board. But if you sabotage that with a pre-emptive strike you'll never know.

You could phrase it in a much more polite but need to know way - say you need to know of any family medical conditions for a new job application/health insurance questionnaire?

i can understand that you are hurt but if you send that hateful email, why should he bother getting back to you, he might lie and say all's well when there are serious disorders you need to know about, or he might retaliate (if he is as awful as you seem to think) by telling you something horrendous that will scare you witless but is not true!

I understand the hurt you are going through, it is also heightened at present because you feel your Father rejected you, his child, and as a pregnant woman your brain is very attuned to nurture and protect your child.

He has, in a very clumsy way attempted to re-establish contact with you sporadically and cleary cannot or will not explain why he left.

You are perfectly entitled to accept or reject these attempts at re-establishing contact and to decide how you want your relationship with him to go forward (i.e. slowly rebuild trust or not at all etc).

To send this message is unecessary and will serve no purpose as you are already expecting. It would appear that you want to hurt him and tell him how you feel about his behaviour over the years- why don't you do exactly that. Sit down and write down everything you want to say to him - you will cry, you will scream and you will swear but it will be extremely cathartic. Leave the letter for three days then go back and rewrite it without the swear words and if you still feel the need stick a stamp on it and post it.

I would only use facebook if it is the only way you have of contacting him, and send it privately, do not display your hurt publicly just to embarrass him. This is not about him, this is about getting answers for yourself and moving on from the child phase to the parent phase.

I havn't seen my father (well only once when I was 25 odd at my Grandmothers Funeral and he ignored me) since I was 8. If I'm asked about my medical history I just say I dont know from this side

If you have taken the decision not to involve him in your life I wouldn't send the email

if you feel the need to know this information then perhaps you should just write a very short email along the lines of; DP & I are considering starting a family and need to know family medical history please, you really dont need to put more than that.

I was going almost exactly what takeresponsibility has written, if he replies you may have some answers, if he doesnt then you can hopefully shut the door completely and move on.

If you feel the need to know about any possible hereditary conditions then a straightforward email asking will do just fine. You and your baby will manage just fine wihtout th einfomration if you truly don't care about him, my DS was adopted and will manage just fine without family history of medical ailments as ws my Aunt who is in her 60's now and it hasn't been a problem. Plenty of people's parents and/or grandparents die young and they don't know what conditions (like diabetes or heart disease) they might have developed with age and in the absence of information doctors just don't make any assumptions and treat you for what they can find.

My father is also an absentee father so I do absolutely understand where you are coming from. But your email reads to me like you either a) want to provoke some kind of response from him (and the chances are it won't be the one you want/expect) or b) you are trying to hurt him with your (understandable) bitchiness - well you either you will or you won't but you are unlikely to find out either way and you will waste many an hour waiting for a response that doesn't come.

You are very young (I'm old enough to be your mother!) and it certinaly tok me a long time to accept that my father wa the way he was and no about of bitchiness or prompting by me was going to make him act in a way I felt was appropriate. I now meet him for coffee once a year or so which works for both of us. He does not see my DS (and never has) not to punish him but to protect my DS as I know my father is unreliable and what you can cope with at 46 is much more than at 5.

Whatever you beleive you have not come to terms with your fathers regetion of you - its a fundamental hurt for a paretn to leave that isn;t so easily papered over but trying to make him feel bad isn;t going to work because he probably won't and he also won't let you know even if he does. Eitehr way nothing to be gained.

In my opinion either ask him civily in a detached manner (no need for him to know why - just ask) or don't bother.

why do you need to know if there are any hereditory illnesses? Are you sure you are not just using this as an opportunity to have a go at him?

I would just not contact him and carry on living a father free life as you were doing.

Whether you like it or not, you need something for him. So not ideal to be flinging the insults around until you have it.

You don't even need to tell him you're having a baby, really.

Something like,

Hello,

I would like some information about your family's medical history. At present, when I register with the doctor I am unable to give a complete picture. Could you please let me know if there is any family history of the following:

• Cancer
• Diabetes
• Glaucoma
• Early death (please give illness where known)

Please could you specify which relative had it, and at what age, and in the case of cancer, which sort.

Candy

Now - if he replies, and sees it as a "way in" which doubtless he will wait until you have what you need before doing whatever you decide to do. In my case, I'd say - I'm afraid you had your chance and blew it xx years ago, and leave it at that.