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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my friend was being quite cruel to her DD?

49 replies

JaneFonda · 25/05/2011 20:30

I have a friend who's DD is in the same class as my DS (both aged 7).

The parts for the summer play have recently been given out, and my friend's DD has been given the main part again. She is a very confident little girl, and loves being the star of the show, so she always gets given a main part. This is not a problem with anyone else, as far as I'm aware.

However, my friend (yes, this girl's mother) has written to the head saying that she thinks the part ought to be given to another child because her DD always gets the main part, and thinks someone else should be given a chance.

I don't get it. Her DD is so excited to be a big part in the play, and I don't think it's right of her to deny her DD the opportunities when she has been given them based on talent, especially when it is based on talent, not on favouritism.

I asked DS if anyone was upset they didn't get the main role in the play, and he said no, and that everyone else was glad that she got the part because 'she sings really loudly'. If even her peers are happy for her, why isn't her mother?

AIBU to think that my friend should be happy for her DD?

OP posts:
Polkadott · 25/05/2011 20:34

I would be so proud. I can see how her mum might be concerned though, she might not want other mums thinking she's a pushy mum or whatever, or maybe she's embarrassed?

Icelollycraving · 25/05/2011 20:34

Maybe she has had some pissed off looks from other mums? Perhaps she doesn't want to be seen as a pushy mum?

wowwowwubbzywubbzywubbzywowwow · 25/05/2011 20:35

I think she's maybe being misguided although you would know better than me if she is generally cruel. Maybe she fears an eventual backlash if her dd is always given the main role? Maybe she thinks it's a lot for her to be learning all the lines every time? Even if no-one has said anything I bet there is some muttering among the parents that her dd has the star part again.

saffy85 · 25/05/2011 20:36

Strange that her mum has reacted like that. I suppose it would be nice for another child to have a turn being the main part but if they're all happy with the situation... Confused

Maybe the little girl's mum is worried this will get other parents/kids backs up so is trying to do the right thing and give someone else a chance?

Punkatheart · 25/05/2011 20:36

What an astonishing reversal - usually it is the other way around with pushy mum wanting her DD IN the main part, not OUT of it. Could it be she is jealous of her daughter? I am rather puzzled - there is always a small core of confident and talented children who are picked for main parts. Namely because they can do it. You have to be confident on stage. Is she trying to teach her a lesson in some peculiar way?

I find it odd. I could NEVER imagine myself doing that...

susantheslut · 25/05/2011 20:36

Poor school can't win, can they?

zippy539 · 25/05/2011 20:37

I don't think it's that her Mum isn't happy for her but is embarrassed that her daughter is getting to hog the lime-light. It's a school play - imo parts shouldn't necessarily be given out on the basis of 'proper' talent but on the basis of challenging each child to participate to the best of their abilities. It's not the West End - it's an educational exercise (or should be). Maybe your friend feels the same way.

Obviously it would be cruel to take the part away from the child now she's been cast but it might be something for the head/teacher to bear in mind next time. I wish more people thought like your friend!

JamieAgain · 25/05/2011 20:38

I can understand her sentiment, perhaps, but to actually do something about it is quite puritanical.

Original poster
JaneFonda · 25/05/2011 20:39

The thing is, the school doesn't really have any 'jealous' or pushy mums.

It's a small school, it's a nice community and everyone gets along.
The summer play is part of an end of term celebration that everyone - children and parents - get involved in. It's never been the cause of any aggravation, and everyone sees it as a bit of fun, just the way it's intended.

That's why I can't understand my friend's actions, at all.

OP posts:
SockShitter · 25/05/2011 20:40

I think she is probably trying to be nice, hardly cruel. I think in young children's plays everyone should get a chance. Also her DD may be getting a big head and she's worried about it?

activate · 25/05/2011 20:41

IF she always gets the part then the mum is doing a wonderful thing and asking the school to give another child a chance

there will not be just one child who wants this part - even if your DS doesn't - there will a few heartbroken children aout there who are sad that they didn't get a chance

it's not talent - she's 7 and confident - she ain't the only one

Goblinchild · 25/05/2011 20:41

She could be a wise and sensible woman who knows that her child's peers are fine with it but wants to protect her daughter and her daughter's friendships from the spiteful hissing geese in the playground who may try to make an issue of her child being given a lead role again.
Children are usually fair, mothers are frequently not.

MilkandWine · 25/05/2011 20:41

I think your friends actions are quite selfless in a way. She sees that her DD always gets the main role and feels that it isin't fair that no other child gets the chance. I don't think it is so much that she doesn't want her DD in the role but that she thinks the other children should get an opportunity to shine.

I would not be so sure either that non of the other children mind her always getting the main roles. To this day I remember my best friend at junior school always getting the main role in any production we had and thinking how unfair it was. I wasen't the only child that thought that way either!

I actually think it is quite poor form when schools choose the same child over and over like that. It singles that child out as being 'better' than the others and to do that over and over is quite unfair imho.

not that I'm scarred from my school days of anything mindWink

FabbyChic · 25/05/2011 20:41

Well why don't you ask her? If she is your friend she would tell you.

SockShitter · 25/05/2011 20:41

Also if DD is the lead, it means more rehearsals and (potentially) more work for mum? Maybe she just wants an easier life with her kid dressed as octopus number3.

Goblinchild · 25/05/2011 20:42

Too slow posting. Perhaps she wants the atmosphere to stay nice and not put pressure on it.

JamieAgain · 25/05/2011 20:42

Yes, SockShitter (great name), maybe that's what t's about - a message to her daughter. Not sure it's very nice to teach that lesson in quite such a public way. Not sure

JamieAgain · 25/05/2011 20:45

Interesting point MilkandWine. I am a bit ambivalent. I can understand why schools are scrupulously fair, but OTOH, I think it's a shame when children with a talent aren't allowed to shine, especially if it's the only talent a child has.

wowwowwubbzywubbzywubbzywowwow · 25/05/2011 20:49

I refuse to believe that even in a small school there are NO jealous mums and that NONE of the other children would want the main part. How can you be so certain of those things?
Also OP - do you have any other concerns about your 'friend' being cruel to her dd because you seem determined to think the worst of her.

pigletmania · 25/05/2011 20:51

janefonda thats a great thing to do, nought wrong with that at all, its good to give everybody a chance, and your friend is setting a good example to her daughter. There might be children who are a little quieter who wanted the part but kept schtum.

thisisyesterday · 25/05/2011 20:55

I think it's a very nice gesture that the mother has made.

she may well have talked to her daughter about it and she is also fine with giving someone else a chance to be the lead role....

and if they don't have a problem with it then i fail to see why you would

IvyAndGold · 25/05/2011 20:55

it is weird. have you asked her why? maybe if you ask and she sees that you're surprised but not giving her the evils about it she might realise that nobody minds. if nobody's said anything she could well be thinking everyone is glad she did it!

CoffeeDodger · 25/05/2011 20:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tyler80 · 25/05/2011 20:55

I don't think school plays are about talent. I can't really act at all however as a young child I had a loud voice and I was great at remembering lines thus I always had the star part in the class play. It was a bit embarassing really, being chosen everytime

Original poster
JaneFonda · 25/05/2011 20:58

There's no extra work for her though, all the rehearsals are during school time, so it's not that that's an issue.

And to whoever said about her DD having a big head - she is such a lovely little girl, very humble and she doesn't show off, so I don't think she's trying to teach her a lesson.

Maybe I'll ask her about it, or just say how proud I am that her DD got such a good part.

OP posts:
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