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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that my friend was being quite cruel to her DD?

49 replies

JaneFonda · 25/05/2011 20:30

I have a friend who's DD is in the same class as my DS (both aged 7).

The parts for the summer play have recently been given out, and my friend's DD has been given the main part again. She is a very confident little girl, and loves being the star of the show, so she always gets given a main part. This is not a problem with anyone else, as far as I'm aware.

However, my friend (yes, this girl's mother) has written to the head saying that she thinks the part ought to be given to another child because her DD always gets the main part, and thinks someone else should be given a chance.

I don't get it. Her DD is so excited to be a big part in the play, and I don't think it's right of her to deny her DD the opportunities when she has been given them based on talent, especially when it is based on talent, not on favouritism.

I asked DS if anyone was upset they didn't get the main role in the play, and he said no, and that everyone else was glad that she got the part because 'she sings really loudly'. If even her peers are happy for her, why isn't her mother?

AIBU to think that my friend should be happy for her DD?

OP posts:

MadamDeathstare · 25/05/2011 20:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MilkandWine · 25/05/2011 21:01

Janefonda But this little girl HAS been allowed to shine, several times now. I'm sure she isin't the only child in the school who would not love a chance to be centre stage and clearly her mam thinks the same.

It isin't always a question of talent either. When I was at school I wanted to be Mary in the school nativity more than anything in the world. But EVERY year my best friend was chosen for no other reason than she had long, blonde hair. I used to get so upset and even at such a young age I realised it was unfair.

Not that it's an issue that has scarred me or anything

MilkandWine · 25/05/2011 21:03

But I do think as others have said she should have mentioned it before the play was cast. I can't see anyway to take this little girls role away now without upsetting her terribly which would be a real shame.

thisisyesterday · 25/05/2011 21:04

milkandwine... same here! i was desperate to be the "lead" in any of our nativities or plays, but I never was. despite being in a school with a grand 66 pupils

i very much doubt that anyone thought I minded, because I never kicked up a huge fuss about it, just cried at home to my mum.

They're at primary school... it's FAIR to let other people take a turn, it doesn't really matter how talented or outgoing they are does it?

thisisyesterday · 25/05/2011 21:05

and the little girl may be FINE with this decision! her mum may have spoken to her and said let's let someone else have a go

heck for all you know the kid doesn't even want to do it this year.

the whole thread is based on supposition. It really is a huge non-issue

Lizzylou · 25/05/2011 21:06

Has she any other children?
I know that sometimes I get worried for DS1 as my DS2 seems to draw attention/admiration whereas DS1 is more subdued (but equally as fabulous).

In any event, I think she has done a nice thing, really. Perhaps she should have said after the last play/concert "perhaps give another child a chance to shine"? I know that there is a lad in DS1's class who is always the main part/class rep etc and his parents do seem embarrassed when you say how well he did (again, a lovely lad and probably the best choice for the role). They have a younger son though so are probably wanting to take the focus off the eldest a bit.

CurrySpice · 25/05/2011 21:06

Oh blimey! DD1 has just got one of the lead parts in the Y6 play (again ) and I am cock a hoop! She loves doing it, the other kids in her class know it is her "thing" and really encourage her

It wouldn't cross my mind to think anyone would think badly of her - maybe because I wouldn't think badly if it were someone else iykwim

I don't think it's cruel but it is odd and a bit puzzling

SecretNutellaFix · 25/05/2011 21:08

I wonder if the child's mother was always the child who wanted to do the stuff, but was pushed aside for the same people time, and time again despite being capable? And doesn't want any of the other children to resent her daughter as much as she resented the "star"?

mum765 · 25/05/2011 21:16

Maybe she feels her DD is getting a bit over confident and wants to curb her corners a bit? Or maybe she would prefer her to be confident at maths or something rather than acting? Whatever her reasons, it does seem a bit odd to me that they choose the same person for the lead at this age on repeated occasions. To throw a cat amongst the pigeons, perhaps she feels the teachers are taking an easy route by not giving another dc, who perhaps needs more encouragement and support, the opportunity.

ivykaty44 · 25/05/2011 21:24

Sounds like a sensible mother who is trying to give her dd a balanced school life. Being picked for the main part in the school play several times may not be an advantage for a number of reasons and seems the mother has decided to say her piece

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 25/05/2011 21:26

Maybe the child acts like a prima donna at home, perhaps the Mum thinks her DD needs to let some other child have a turn at the spotlight. I applaud the Mum actually, but it's a bit late once the part has been given. She could have contacted the school beforehand. It may well be that there are other children, a bit shyer, who would really blossom given the chance to 'step up' to the lead role.

heliumballoons · 25/05/2011 21:41

Maybe the mum knows something she hasn't shared with the rest of you - like she won't be available on the day as she has other plans. (holiday the school aren't aware of etc)

MilkandWine · 25/05/2011 22:04

Thisisyesterday Well at my school the excuse was given that my friend had long blonde hair so looked more like her than Mary than me with my long brown hair.

My mam used to get so annoyed and rant about how Mary was Jewish so would more than likely have had darker hair anyhow! Maybye that scarred me more than the not getting picked did

Love the username btw, Manics fan by any chance?

Lizzylou · 25/05/2011 22:19

I was always Mary, long dark hair (your mom was right, Milk, blondes were angels in our school, a part I coveted).
My brother was always a bit part, my Mom played it down

amistillsexy · 25/05/2011 22:24

Haven't read all the suggestions, but is it possible that the little girl in question actually suffers a great deal from the pressure of being 'the main part', and Mum is reluctant to put her through it again?

Just because she does it well and appears confident, doesn't mean to say she doesn't worry about it at home!

fishtankneedscleaning · 25/05/2011 22:50

Oh Lord! This brings back memories. When my dd was going through huge turmoil in her life I enrolled her in dance, singing and drama class in an attempt to encourage her self esteem. She was never going to be an academic but had a lovely singing voice and I wanted her to realise her potential and be good at something. She took to the stage like a duck to water.

Anyway as the only "singer" in a small school she managed to get the lead singing role in every school production throughout primary school. Whenever she came home from school and delighted in telling me she was the lead performer I was torn between being proud of dd and knowing that the school yard gossips would turn their backs on me.

In the end I went in to speak to the Headteacher as my dd was being ridiculed by her classmates - saying things to her that was obvious their parents had said. I also suggested that someone else should get the lead part in the next school production and the headteacher saw my side.

The following year another child landed the coveted part. My dd was then ridiculed by parents - not children. Every chance they got they spoke to dd saying, "Oh you didn't get lead part this year then? So and so must have been better this year. Never mind maybe next year eh?"

As it turned out the lead girl crumpled in a heap before going on stage and the show was curtailed. TBH I was torn between feeling sorry for the child concerned yet ........ I still don't know how I felt.

DD is now 10 years old and no one is going to put her off her dream of becoming a star in the West End. She still takes the lead in her senior school productions and no way am I going to interfere again.

manicinsomniac · 25/05/2011 22:58

If the casting had been made known to the parents before the children then I would have said your friend did a surprising but really lovely thing in trying to get another child a chance.

But as the little girl already knew ... no, I think that's awful. My daughter would have been heartbroken to have had her part in our school play taken away once it had been given. It makes me sad to think of any child being told that news. (Unless of course the child actually did feel secretly pressurised and was upset at home, I suppose we don't know).

JamieAgain · 26/05/2011 08:24

I agree with MadamDeathstare and manic This is going to be very hard for a 7 year old to understand

piratecat · 26/05/2011 08:26

what Polkadot said really.

GiddyPickle · 26/05/2011 08:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sausagesandmarmelade · 26/05/2011 08:41

You say that this little girl "always gets the main parts"

Well....I think your friend is being far from cruel......it was good of her to try and ensure that another child got the main role this time.

GiddyPickle · 26/05/2011 08:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

5DollarShake · 26/05/2011 08:52

OP - what a weird take on all of this you have... The Mum sounds thoughtful and kind and mindful of others.

GiddyPickle has summed up the situation perfectly.

YABU.

FancyForgetting · 26/05/2011 08:52

I wonder if there isn't a more mundane reason? Could the mother have booked a holiday which means missing the last few days of term (and therefore the play) but not yet have told school?

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