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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be concerned about a family member's recent weight gain?

40 replies

TidyDancer · 25/05/2011 19:28

Family member is 35 and given her height and what I estimate she must weigh, she is well inside the clinically obese catagory. At a rough guess, I think she must weigh about 22 stone plus. I wouldn't be surprised if she was actually a good two or three stone more, but it's hard to really estimate accurately. While she has always been on the large side, she is really quite big compared to this time last year. Everytime I see her lately (usually once a month or more), she seems to have put on more weight.

As I said, since she has always been big, it's not as though she has just jumped to over 20 stone, so it's not been an issue I've raised with her before in terms of saying I was worried about her.

I do know she has previously been prescribed that Alli (or similar) stuff by the doctor and she has done the WW diet for a short time without paying for meetings, but she is not on a diet at the moment. I have seen what she eats and how much she can eat in one sitting, and it's easy to see how she has got to the weight she has. She has a terrible diet, it generally contains very little fruit and veg. She tells me she doesn't buy it as she has a six-year-old son who refuses to eat it and since she has little money (on benefits, money doesn't stretch far), she doesn't buy things they can't both share. Consequently, although her DS is quite slim, he doesn't have a wonderful diet either. I don't think she has bathroom scales or anything like that, so I wonder that while she will obviously know her clothes feel tighter, whether she will be unaware of how much weight she has put on.

We do not really have the kind of familial relationship where I can just easily say "I'm worried about you". She is very closed off and not easy to talk to, so I'm struggling to decide whether or not to talk to her about her weight. I do not wish to offend her at all, I have been 18 stone plus myself in the past, so it's not like I'm a skinny minny who has no idea how it feels to be big, but I just don't know how to help her. She is not in a position to afford gym membership or anything like that, so I don't know how much advice, if I could think what to say, would be realistic.

So AIBU to be concerned and want to help, or should I just keep my mouth shut and stay out of it?

TIA. :)

OP posts:

ManateeEquineOhara · 25/05/2011 19:31

Be aware that dieting can also be very damaging. Not saying that she shouldn't strive to be healthy, but that in having knee-jerk reactions based on appearance can lead to sudden - dieting which is really not helpful.

amberleaf · 25/05/2011 19:37

What would you like to achieve by 'talking' to her about her weight?

Im pretty sure that she is probably very much aware that she is overweight.

Hassled · 25/05/2011 19:39

Would some sort of "Healthy Eating On a Budget" cookbook be the way to go? Or is that too blatant - it probably is, isn't it? I don't know what you can do - is there anyone else in the family she might listen to who you can get on side?

Original poster

TidyDancer · 25/05/2011 19:40

I don't know amber, that's what I'm finding so hard, I don't know what to say or how I can help her. I'm sure she does know how overweight she is, and I don't want to embarrass her at all, I guess I just hope that someone showing concern may jolt her into doing something about it, or give her someone to talk to about how to make some changes.

OP posts:

BarbaraBar · 25/05/2011 19:41

How about telling her you're thinking of joing WW/SW and would she like to accompany you?

LittleMissFlustered · 25/05/2011 19:42

I'm a clinically obese person, and let people know that my waistline is none of their business. In a nice way though. I have issues, and my weight fluctuates a LOT, and sometimes the most well meant advice can just be another thing that makes me want to take a machete to the general population garden.

Original poster

TidyDancer · 25/05/2011 19:44

I'm not sure, Hassled, the people in the family she is close to aren't really the talking type. My mum is a possibility, but I don't know if she would want to approach the subject, family member is a difficult person to get on with at times.

The book is a good suggestion actually, but she is so low on money sometimes that I don't know how I'd find a book that is suitable.

OP posts:

BornInAfrica · 25/05/2011 19:48

I agree with the poster who said she'll be perfectly well aware of her problems. I can't see how you being all superior and 'concerned' about her will do anything except possibly make her retreat further into her shell of unhappiness and helplessness. As with anything done to excess the only person who can make the change is the person with the problem. People pointing out the bleeding obvious is really no help at all.

Original poster

TidyDancer · 25/05/2011 19:48

That's what worries me, LittleMiss. I desperately don't want to upset her about this. But the sheer amount of weight she must've put on in the last year worries me more than anything. I know when I was big, I didn't like anyone commenting on it, I was very selfconscious. If she was just overweight, that would be one thing, but she is almost certainly clinically obese and still gaining weight.

OP posts:

Original poster

TidyDancer · 25/05/2011 19:50

I'm not being 'superiour' Born, I am being concerned. Nothing to do with being superiour whatsoever. If you see someone in trouble, you want to help. Or at least I'd hope so!

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 25/05/2011 19:57

A gym would be pointless you cannot tone fat, she would need to lose the weight first. Being on benefits doesn't mean you have to eat shit, you can eat healthy and be poor.

Im not sure how you will broach it it's a touchy subject bringing up someones weight.

ChippingIn · 25/05/2011 19:57

TidyDancer - I'm sure you are just trying to be nice - but really, 'just keep your mouth shut'.

She will see it as being 'judged' and it may just be the thing that tips her over the edge.

If you want to help, spend more time with her, love her as she is - she may, in time, confide in you and you can help her when she is ready and wants you help.

You can't lose the weight for her and she doesn't need anyone saying 'you are fat' and no matter how you say it, that's what she will hear :( Please don't make her feel worse about herself than she does already.

Original poster

TidyDancer · 25/05/2011 20:00

My thought with the gym was that joining one might encourage her to get healthy in general, but there's no money for that.

The thing about her being on benefits, I only mentioned that because she can sometimes be down to £20 per week for food for her and her DS so she point blank refuses to buy things that may get wasted. I see her wisdom in that, but it means that no fruit and veg gets brought into the house because her DS won't eat it, so she just eats what he does, but in large quantities.

I don't know what to do for the best, I just don't want to do nothing if I think I could be helping her.

OP posts:

NettoSuperstar · 25/05/2011 20:02

One of my best friends is morbidly obese. We are the same height and at a guess, I'd say she weighs easily 10 stone more than me if not more.

I say nothing, never have, never will.

It's not like she doesn't know how big she is.

Her body and weight are none of my business. If she ever asked me for help or support she'd have it, but until then, my mouth is zipped.

ChippingIn · 25/05/2011 20:03

Fabby my love :) The gym is still good, she would lose weight doing cardio, she would strengthen her core and build muscles which is a good way of burning fat. You should watch 'The Biggest Loser'

Tidy - how close do you live to her? Do you have a community gym near you? Mine is only £23.50 a month (on a special, another one will be along soon 'to tone up for summer' then it stays the same for as long as you stay a member) could she afford that or could you sub her? Could you Mum babysit while you two go to the gym? If you could do those things you could ask her to go with you as you don't want to go alone, hardly have time to see her and you thought it would be fun to do together?!

ChippingIn · 25/05/2011 20:04

Netto - everyone needs a friend like you.

Original poster

TidyDancer · 25/05/2011 20:04

It's horrible to think the best thing is to do nothing and just watch her pile on more weight. Is that really it? :(

OP posts:

MadamDeathstare · 25/05/2011 20:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lesley33 · 25/05/2011 20:07

She will already know that she is overweight. But is there anything that could have caused her to put on lots of weight this year e.g. depression.

I think you can best help her by being a good friend and supporting her through any problems she has.

Original poster

TidyDancer · 25/05/2011 20:08

We do have a local authority gym, but I think it's closer to £30. I could probably afford to help her with that, but I don't have the time to go myself at the moment, I don't think she'd go on her own because she doesn't drive. My mum would probably babysit once a week for her though. That might be something we could do once I'm not BFing and can rely on childcare myself.

OP posts:

Original poster

TidyDancer · 25/05/2011 20:11

She has been on anti d's before, but she hasn't since her DS was born. I don't think she is depressed, but I couldn't be sure.

I suspect that she's possibly stuck in a rut with having no money and thinks she can't afford to eat well.

I am there for her as much as can be, I have helped her with money in the past, but I don't know how I can help her now, if at all.

OP posts:

tribpot · 25/05/2011 20:14

To be honest, as a fat person I can tell you a gym is way too intimidating. So even if you bought her a membership as a gift, she could well feel too awful in herself to make use of it.

If she's put on a few stone, she's had to buy new clothes (unless they were very baggy beforehand) so she knows the score. I would have thought the best thing you could do was invite her round for a few meals at yours, plus maybe the occasional 'oh I made too much bolognese sauce, would you like an extra meal for the freezer?' type hints. If you have children of a similar age, I'd be surprised if they weren't learning about the benefits of a balanced diet at school, my ds (nearly 6) comes home with all sorts about 5 a day and so on. Could the children be very gently encouraged to talk to each other?

LittleMissFlustered · 25/05/2011 20:16

You say she is down twenty pounds a week for grub? She must eat an epic amount of crap to maintain and increase her weight. I am huge, but aware of what it is that makes me balloon. Without knowing details I'd guess at frequent large portions of white carbs and possibly sugary drinks in large quantities. They're what I have to watch out for, and they are cheap! Potato and pasta, tea and coke drinks. I had a bug a while back that left me incapable of digesting pasta/bread/rice etc for about a month. I lost the best part of a stone though that time, which although wasn't healthy in itself was a vast eye opener. Ironically, I'm now sticking to my tummy-bug regime in parts as I'm hoping eating less white stuff will be a good long term 'diet' choice. Plus, hovis wholemeal bread is nom!

What I'm saying is that it's easy to stay fat when you have little money. It's easy to lose it too, but chances are she's too used to the idea of not being able to do anything about it, and would probably defend her standpoint loudly. With all the will in the world, there's pretty much nothing you can do until she comes to the point in her life where her own actions change her attitude :(

Sorry for rambling, am running on empty, so am off for a satsuma and maybe even a cuppa LMF, living dangerously since the kids hit their beds

Popbiscuit · 25/05/2011 20:18

Could you invite her to go for walks or perhaps offer to babysit sometime or invite her to yours for a meal? If she has mentioned being low on food, perhaps drop round a healthy casserole of some sort for the freezer?

amberleaf · 25/05/2011 20:22

I guess I just hope that someone showing concern may jolt her into doing something about it

Really this is probably the absolute worst mindset to have.

Im sorry as i can see that you are genuinely concerned about her but its as though you think that if you point it out to her thats all she needs to do 'something' about it.

Weight issues are rarely that straight forward.

I think you run the risk of offending her or at worst hurting her feelings/self esteem hugely if you say something.

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