to be concerned about a family member's recent weight gain?

[TidyDancer]

Family member is 35 and given her height and what I estimate she must weigh, she is well inside the clinically obese catagory. At a rough guess, I think she must weigh about 22 stone plus. I wouldn't be surprised if she was actually a good two or three stone more, but it's hard to really estimate accurately. While she has always been on the large side, she is really quite big compared to this time last year. Everytime I see her lately (usually once a month or more), she seems to have put on more weight.

As I said, since she has always been big, it's not as though she has just jumped to over 20 stone, so it's not been an issue I've raised with her before in terms of saying I was worried about her.

I do know she has previously been prescribed that Alli (or similar) stuff by the doctor and she has done the WW diet for a short time without paying for meetings, but she is not on a diet at the moment. I have seen what she eats and how much she can eat in one sitting, and it's easy to see how she has got to the weight she has. She has a terrible diet, it generally contains very little fruit and veg. She tells me she doesn't buy it as she has a six-year-old son who refuses to eat it and since she has little money (on benefits, money doesn't stretch far), she doesn't buy things they can't both share. Consequently, although her DS is quite slim, he doesn't have a wonderful diet either. I don't think she has bathroom scales or anything like that, so I wonder that while she will obviously know her clothes feel tighter, whether she will be unaware of how much weight she has put on.

We do not really have the kind of familial relationship where I can just easily say "I'm worried about you". She is very closed off and not easy to talk to, so I'm struggling to decide whether or not to talk to her about her weight. I do not wish to offend her at all, I have been 18 stone plus myself in the past, so it's not like I'm a skinny minny who has no idea how it feels to be big, but I just don't know how to help her. She is not in a position to afford gym membership or anything like that, so I don't know how much advice, if I could think what to say, would be realistic.

So AIBU to be concerned and want to help, or should I just keep my mouth shut and stay out of it?

TIA. :)

I don't think the book or the gym suggestion is good.

She is overweight, not stupid.

Just continue being a good friend to her and she might open up. My guess is that either she has a medical problem i.e. thyroid or emotional issues and depression. If/When she opens up then you can offer more practical help and suggestions. Sometimes is enough to just visit someone, have a cup of tea and talk about the weather, no questions no suggestions.

You say she has put on quite a bit of weight during the last year. Is there a reason for that? Mayby personal problems, anything medical etc? Is there someone close to her who might know, could't a close friend encourage her to a change of lifestyle?

I can't quite see her appreciating a distant relative who she sees once a month and who she isn't very close to talking to her about her weight and 'trying to help'.

If you must say anything I would suggest something along the lines of " I have noticed you seem a bit down recently, is everything ok " even if that isn't really true. Otherwise please don't say anything.

I am fat, I know I am fat, and I know everyone else can see it. One day I may do something about it, but not because somebody else tells me too.

Someone telling me they have noticed I have put on weight will not help me lose weight and it will not be new information to me, it will just humiliate me, no matter how well intentioned it is.

trib, as lovely as the idea is about the children talking to each other, my DS has a gob the size of a gas cylinder, and wouldn't say what I had coached him to, he would say too much. Also, he is a young five, and the other child is nearer to seven than six. It's sweet, but not very practical given our circumstances unfortunately.

She does eat crap. I am all for crap in proportion, we are not huggy organic lentil weavers in my house, but she doesn't do veg or fruit, which is not great really.

She has done plenty of diets in the past, not just the WW one, but she doesn't stick to them (I know, the majority of us won't) and does get annoyed and upset with herself because of it. I know she has cried to a doctor about her weight before.

I would like to be able to help her stick to a healthy plan if she could get a kick start herself.

She isn't a distant relative, I don't want to give that impression, we are closer than that, it's just that life gets in the way, I have two children, she has one, you know how it goes, just don't get to see her that often. But she is definitely not a distant relative.

Totally understand that she eats crap, but just saying 'you eat crap' will not have the desired effect. Trying to show her some alternatives might.

I've never managed to make WW work for me and I don't have the excuse of being very poor, I hope she can find some resources that work for her. She can't kick start herself until she's ready.

Great post stickyfloor
I'm with you

Look, a couple of bits of fruit and veg a day is not going to transform her.
Neither is a couple of sessions at the gym a week.
Neither is going for a nightly walk round the block.

It will take a major lifestyle change, which comes from within, and has nothing to do with people mentioning it. No amount of mentioning it will make it happen, and if it does happen within her, no amount of obstacles put in her way will stop her.

Leave it well alone. Stop trying to rescue her. Save your concern for yourself and your family.

Tatty's middle paragraph says it all. When it clicks, it will click.

I'm not trying to rescue her. She's family and I love her. I want to help her, that's not the same as trying to rescue her. She'll do that herself. There is nothing wrong with trying to help someone.

Anyway, I will think on this some more. Thanks for responses, most have given me something to think about. :)

If she eats enough to maintain that sort of weight her food must be costing a fortune.

I don't think at that weight that gym is essential, walking each day plus an exercise DVD.

Personally I wouldn't say anything (too confrontational) but would maybe buy a shred dvd, 2 hand weights and a book on healthy eating (plus maybe a steamer) as a birthday present with a card saying that you are really worried about her.

I have gone down a dress size, and my waist is much more toned from going to the gym. (despite weighing as much as I ever did)
Yes, I'm still fat, but everyone remarks how much more toned I am. Amazingly, even fat people have muscle

Foreverondiet she may take that approach as it is intended, I fear though that she would see that as a humiliation and retreat from the OP. Whenever my mother takes a similar line with me, I shut down completely. I don't want to be around someone who's love for me is conditional. I'm fat. Not a failure, not evil, not pathetic, not lazy. I just eat too much. That's all.

Foreveronadiet - you are mistaken on both counts, it doesn't necessarily take much food to maintain that weight and crap food can be really cheap. That would be a horrible 'present' - let alone as a birthday present.

AnnoyingDevil - amazing isn't it, how fat people can benefit from going to the gym and you know, maybe even enjoy it, sadly some people would rather we stayed home doing DVD's because really, we're just not worthy of using the gym with slim people

You love her, OP. Tell her that, just that, every now and again. Nobody could be offended and it will give her a lift. :)