12months with DH away and I don´t think he will come back, wwyd

[StaryNightSky]

Here?s the problem.
Dh and I moved abroad 4 years ago, we have a DD born here. Dh best mate came visiting this week. Offering the possibility of work back in the UK on contract for 12months. The hours would be 6am to 930pm 6 days a week. We live in a different country.
DH and my relationship has not been the best over the last 3 years since DD was born. We have had problems and are trying to work through them but DH has threatened several times to leave and go back to the UK to live with said best mate. I know my DH very well and I know that at the moment he is does not think the relationship is in the best of shape NOR do I. We are still very rocky.
I basically have to parent DD on my own, and I a totally exhausted.
We have a Business where we live that someone HAS TO BY LAW be on site 24 hours a day, my working day here starts a 7am and finishes at 9.30pm 7 days a week (PM for details if you want to)
DH would be away for 12months, there would be very little contact, as I would be in bed by the time he finished in the UK, and I would be up after him (due to time differences)
I would over the next 12 months have to dealing with DD moving to school (currently in nursery) run the business, deal with my own health as I am registered disabled and ill, Deal with DD infantile asthma, Parent on my own, have no contact with DH. Not to mention regularly having to be in two places at once.

At present I have told DH this, that if he wants to go then he should, BUT. I will run the money (DH best mate, has asked me to anyway as I am an ex accountant from the UK) and I will take out FROM DH share. the following. The Mortgage 7% of his earnings, a sum for DD 2% of his earnings, and a small amount for me to get someone in to take DD to school etc, as I can not magically be in 2 places at once 1%. Then if he decides he does not want to come back, DD has a roof over her head, and I have the ability to provide for her in the short come and she will hopefully have the financial backing to be able to go to uni if she wants to. (Over here it costs a fortune for a child to go to Uni) Leaving DH 90% which would pretty much set him up if he was sensible.
But I don´t really know what to do, am I being fair? WWYD

Oh, I have previously been told off for being AIBU by stelth, so I have tried to put everything in, but I don´t want it to run of for pages and pages

You seem to know your mind. Do ensure whatever you settle for with DH is formalised and signed so you have something binding. I'd suggest getting legal advice on how binding any arrangement you make would be if he lives and earns in the UK. If not binding, it may be best to take it from his share of the business (or build the clause into your agreement).

but right now I don´t even know what day of the week it is.

I just want to curl up and shut down. Let the world keep on turning without me.

Agree with Sarky - limbo seems like the worst option to me.

I won't stop being nice, Starry :) I think you have been really damaged by what you went through when your DD was born and I really feel for you, you poor love. Even if your DH won't have counselling, I think you should consider it.

What was your relationship like before DD was born? Did he want to be a father then? What is it do you think that makes him hate being a father? Was this reaction something you might have suspected he would show before DD's birth, ie is he one of those dickheads who can't deal with responsibility or have the traumatic events surrounding her birth given him major issues that he is struggling with? This is not to excuse him - he needs to realise that DD is a joint responsibility. But how he is forced to realise this depends on his reasons for feeling so detached from her.

Having to 'force' him to play with her must break your heart. It certainly made me feel really :( to read it.

I know you returning to the UK isn't an option but do you think DH wants you to? Or is he already focusing on potential bachelorhood?

Does he show any affection to DD?

my heart cannot break anymore. the pieces are too small.

No my Dh was smashing, fab, really great, not a dick head, no problems with reasonsibilty (a few with not putting washing in baskets etc!)

Preganacy was an accidents (we took every precausion) due to the medication I take. But we still managed!

Dh said he alwasy believed it was the womans choice. So I said I can do a termination but you don´t have to stay if you dont want to.

He stayed, once I gave birth everything went wrong.

He would walk out of a room everytime I came in it with DD. Then complained that I never spent anytime with him any more
He told me a treated him as a sperm Donnar,
He woke me up DD was too night old and said "your DD is crying" and went back to bed. (I was in DD room as I had lost so much blood I could barely move)

I feel like I am living with a stranger and I morne my DH everyday, I want him back. I want the man that would never hurt me, I want to the man that made me fee safe and loved, some times I snuggle up to him at night, when the house is quite and I just pretend just for s feel mins that things are the way they used to be.

So I said, I can´t do! NOt I Can DO. STUIpd

Right, this is just my opinion but from what I've read of what you've written here, he has very much detached himself from the relationship and is looking forward to his renewed batchelorhood playing xbox and eating pizza with his BFF.

So, the thing is that you said that you would like a certain amount of money to be able to provide for your daughter. From what I've read of your calculations it seems a very small amount of money that you are giving to yourself and leaving him 90%?? Why??

To be nice? So that you don't look like a bad person?? If that is the case, then forget about that and start thinking in a cold and methodical manner as he has done to you. I'm sorry if you think that is a harsh thing to say as a casual observer, but from what you've written any person that can resent a living thing from the day they are born are cold in my eyes. Yes, you had a traumatic birth and life afterwards but he is taking a cowards way out of a relationship by saying he is only going for a specific amount of time. That's bollocks and you know it.

If there is a certain amount of money that you need, fucking well ask for it....and be done with all this bullshit and start living your life in the way that you know you can. It seems to me that you are already a single parent that also happens to have the father living in the same house as them.. This was my life, and if you had spoken to me this time last year I would have said I wanted things to get better with XDP not split, now I can't imagine having it any other way. I'm not saying it's easy, because it isn't, but lifeis hard at the moment anyway so it might even be better....

I could be on a rant there....let me know if I'm incoherent!! :)

:(

Have you told him all of this?
Did you live there already when DD was born or move afterwards?
Before you for pregnant had you discussed having children - I know she wasnt planned, but did he show an interest in being a father one day?
You say your relationship is better than it was a few months ago. How?
I am so sorry for you Starry. You sound just miserable. Do you have friends nearby to help you?

Kingbeat is making a LOT of sense.

Thanks Kingbeat, that is how I feel. I used to say I feel like a single mum whos new BF dose not like her child!.

DH and I had been toghter for 4 years before pregant. Did talk about kids in a bstract sence, as I was told that when I went on a new medication I would have to go on the pill as it was unsafe to have children on. Pill and Coil!

I have told him, but Dh just says that I am punshing him. actually I don´t know who it is better than a few months ago! Dh told me it was better and I just beleived that it was.

I´m not sure if I really want any money, from DH, But it is something that I have to think about.

He told me that he never thought of not coming back. but it just sounded in my head like he was cheering "yes, way out, way out, run quick take it"

No friends, accept here.

I lurk a lot in AIBU its nice to read about other peoples lives.

Miserable does not even come close. but thanks for being nice.

Oh, and by the way....another harsh sentance, but here goes.....your DP is jealous of the bond between you and DD, that's why he said the things about being a sperm donor and why he said YOUR baby is crying.

Absolutely unforgiveable, I'm actually seething for you as I can sense that at the moment you are more caught up in the pain of watching what you thought would be ideal and lovely, go down the pan. Grieve for the relationship all you like, that's fine. I'm still grieving, in a way, for mine. BUT, also find some of my anger too please as those are truely hurtful and misguided remarks to say to someone, whether they are near bleeding to death, recovering or fine....tosser

kingbeat, thanks thats sweet.

THe funny thing is I am normally a take no shit kind of girl. But i just can´t do it at the moment.

Anger comes, but I guess I more scared of being alone. I really did love him, and I know once he goes that will be it, just me and DD (She is my angle and my life)

Believe me, I'm exactly the same, but I think I had to go down the route of making sure I did all i could to try and make the relationship work before I just turned away. If children hadn't of been involved, then I would have called time a long time before that. This doesn't mean you're weak or wrong, it just means that you're a person that thinks things through and thinks of other peoples feelings too.

Unfortunately, alot of people can take this the wrong way and see this as a sign of weakness. It isn't.

Anyhow, I'm happy to be seething on your behalf until the pain stops, then I'll give it back to you and you can take over from muttering "twat" from me!!! :)

You need to figure out what exactly you want for you and DD and what's possible. As far as I can tell the options are:

1. Continue as you are. Clearly this is not what you want as it's just devastating for you and also not the future you want for DD. She's hopefully too young to notice his rejection now but for how long?
2. He goes and you stay 'together'. This to me would seem like a partial end to the relationship but no clear resolution - you stand to gain nothing from this except for more pain.
3. Work it out with DH. Force him to step up to the mark as a husband and father. But then again, how could you and why should you?
4. End this relationship (but make bloody sure you get a decent financial settlement, seek legal advice, etc).

Only you can decide but your pain is palpable - you could hardly feel worse could you? Perhaps it's time to move on. You DO have the potential to be happy in the future, I promise you.

I agree it's time to get angry - be furious for you AND your daughter. How dare he reject her and you like this.

And I find being alone alot easier to deal with than living a lonely life...my relationship with DD has increased on a daily basis and being able to raise her in a stable and happy environment is better than her watching her parents living a life of the unknown...

Do what makes you happy and strong, as I said, mine is only my opinion, but one I give with the best intent.

Sweetie - it sounds to me as if you are already 'alone' in terms of your relationship with DH.
But you have your DD and I think you are a he'll of a lot stronger than you think.

Hell not he'll. Stupid iPhone!

KingBeat. You have made me smile and is that is a mircle today as I have been sobing for the last hour or more. Muttering Twat, Oh god, that feels good.

Thanks to both you and twinmam for being nice, and offering very good advise.

I need to get my head straight, I can feel some midnight passing go on tonight (I don´t sleep these days)

But I think you are both right, this was over a long time ago, But you are spot on I have to think and work and feel everything for everyone. I cant help it, I always look for the other side,

I have to go and cook tea, but can I come back. becuase I think I really might need some help to get through this :)

Would you consider iniating the split yourself? I know nothing about splitting or living abroad or any of the challenges you are facing, but alot of what you have described sounds like things that have happened that you have no control over and I think you need to start taking control of your relationship. From what I have read you are getting nothing out of it and stand to get nothing out of it.

You take care, Starry, and keep on with the 'twat' mantra. Will check in on you later.
In the mean time, chew over this one:
Out of you and King, which of you seems the happiest and most sorted with their lives as they are at this exact moment in time? You have the right and the ability to be happy

Come back after you've done the dinner and we can prop you up a bit more love, no problems at all.....twat, twat, tosser, twat! :)

Starry (hugs) - I just want to come, look after DD, kick DH up the arse to another planet and send you to a spa for a couple of days. Life if not meant to be this bloody hard & horrible :(

I am really, really sorry that you lost your wonderful DH 3 years ago. Whatever caused it (the fact he needs to grow the fuck up is the most likely cause), the old DH is long gone. If he hasn't come back in 3 years, he wont. Staying with him is just torturing yourself.

Tell him to go and that you wish him well but you both know this is over. You can discuss the fact that if either of you feel you want to try again you can always ask the other person how they feel about it - but that from when he gets on the plane you are both 'single' and free to live your life as you see fit.

Tell him you need at least 25% of his net wage.

Go to a solicitor/lawyer & get everything sorted before he goes.

Then my love, you have to focus on the future for you & your DD. Make plans, create the life you want.
x

How are you doing Starry?

Have you had a bit more time to think?

ChippingIn is right, you know

Xx

Hope you can be happy and full of energy. I too can be angry on your behalf if it helps. I think you going to see a counsellor will be just what you could do with, someone who is on your side - like a RL mumsnetter. They will enable you to see what you want and encourage you while you create it. One thing that crossed my mind was that if you really wanted to be with him moving back here would be something that you could consider. If you won't move back even though he is so miserable there you are making a choice about your relationship already.Hopefully this is just a tough couple of years in your life and in the not too distant future this won't be your situation. The first few years of dc life is exhausting even without the start and lack of support you've had.I sen you loads of hugs and best wishes. I wish I could help youxx

I absolutely agree cjel , I have been to see a counsellor (of sorts) so whilst my life as it stand now is alot better than it was a year ago, that might not be the same for you.

There is help out there if you want it. Is the country you are in now your mother country? Do you have a social support network in the country you are in? Do you have the same in the U.K.?

I hope that DH can organise his feelings to you one way or the other, but you know how you feel at the moment.