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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my ex is a horrible selfish twat

32 replies

woahthere · 25/05/2011 14:37

Oh my God my ex, the Father of my children is just driving me absolutely friggin mad. Hes been acting like an utter twat. He did a lot of things that were horrible towards the children and me and there is so much that I just wouldnt know where to start with how much hes done. I suppose the most important things for you to know are his circumstances at the moment are that he lives with his wife and her 2 children. He pushed me very far and I let rip about a lot of things, he then REFUSED to come and get the children until I apologised to him. He didnt see them for 10 weeks. I was so angry at his attitude towards his lovely children that I wrote him a letter telling him what I thought of him and that he had to see his children under certain conditions and with promises of treating them how they deserve to be treated. To make sure he didnt ignore it I sent it to his Mum as well! This may sound childish but my children were so desperate to see him that I was absolutely at the end of the line not knowing what to do. It seemed ot do something because his wife made a few promises and he arranged to have them for a weekend. Then surprise surprise he couldnt have them because his wifes child banged his head so they took him to the hospital....he could have come later as the child was fine but he didnt. The children were distraught about it. He has just offered to have them on the 11th June apart from it is his wifes childrens birthdays so my children wont get the attention they deserve after not seeing him for 15 weeks. I dont know what else to do to make him understand he cant let them down all the time. I offered him to have them next week because its half term but hes going away with his wife...why doesnt he think of his other children...his actual blood related children?! Im so upset for my kids...please someone advise me what to do. I dont see how you can just keep choosing one set of children over the other.

OP posts:

ShirleyKnot · 25/05/2011 14:44

YANBU, but you can't force him to do anything. I know it's horrible, I am going through a very similar problem with the bane of my life father of my children at the moment and it is awful when the children are crying because they miss their dad.

Um. Do you know what I would do? I think I would just stop. Just stop trying to force the issue, get on with being the best mum you can be to your children - give them lots and lots of reassurance about how much you love them etc etc. It's all you can do really.

(I sent a flurry of angry texts to my ex last night culminating in me calling him a waste of skin. Don't do that!)

JBellingham · 25/05/2011 14:44

So you let rip about a lot of things.
Wrote a letter telling him what you thought of him. Sent a copy of this letter to his mother.
Told him the certain conditions he can see his own children under.
His step child had a head injury so he cancelled a day with his other kids and arranged another date.
He is refusing to cancel a holiday abroad with his family to accomode your timetable?

Yeah definately a twat.

sleepingsowell · 25/05/2011 14:47

I would let the arrangement stand for the 11th then. OK in one way I can see the attention might not be optimum if they're celebrating another child's birthday but if you look at it another way, they will be involved in and celebrating their step-siblings birthday which surely is a good thing in terms of 'blending' the family.

I think it is possible you could just be delaying things for the kids in terms of seeing him if you refuse the 11th.

But I do see your point about him not prioritising his own kids - how unbelievably awful of him to use them to 'punish' you for not apologising.

However, I'd go with the 11th, as he has offered it.

Original poster

woahthere · 25/05/2011 14:56

JBellingham, he hasnt seen his children for 15 weeks, did you read that. I cant go into all the horrible things he has done it would take to long. Its not about MY timetabkle, its about him not seeing his children (god you sound like him)

OP posts:

ShoutyHamster · 25/05/2011 15:06

JBellingham, please. You sound more like a JTwattingham. Enough of that.

bupcakesandcunting · 25/05/2011 15:08

Yes he IS a twat!

Needs a kick in the baws by the sound of it. Do what Shirley said. I would fucking flip if ever DH and I split and he treated my boy like that. I would rip his gonads off. No messing.

ShirleyKnot · 25/05/2011 15:27

Yes, gonad ripping sounds good to me. I would punch X right in the babymaker. He hasn't even sent his son a birthday card the CUNT.

JBellingham · 25/05/2011 15:29

Yeah you all sound delightful, I bet they couldn't wait to flee the abuse and start elsewhere.

Original poster

woahthere · 25/05/2011 15:34

are you always so literal jbellingham? he didnt flee anywhere, and be careful with your choice of words because he was the one that was abusive to me :(

OP posts:

ShirleyKnot · 25/05/2011 15:34

I expect not JBellingham. Abusive bitch that I am!

Fleeing a partner is not the same as fleeing your children though is it? I'm not sure you're fully understanding this thread! Try and read it again

S L O W L Y

bupcakesandcunting · 25/05/2011 15:37

Oh stick your head back up your arse, Bellingham. You shit-eating fuckmunch.

JBellingham · 25/05/2011 15:38

I will. Ex wife (or partner) objects to father of her children not visiting them under her rules. Also she sends nasty letters to him and involves his mother. Then she is upset because her children are overlooked in favour of a child with a head injury. He then agrees to have the children even though he should be concenrtating on a step-childs birthday.

Then lots of people say how they would punch and rip stuff in a sexist way.

Did I read the thread correctly this time?

PissesGlitter · 25/05/2011 15:43

was it you or him that decided the 11th was not good?

if it was him then let it lie and try to explain to the children what has happened
if it was you then reconcider as you are also upsetting your children by delaying the visits

Original poster

woahthere · 25/05/2011 15:46

no you didnt. I sent him a letter to try and make him see sense because he had been refusing to see his children who are very upset about it. I never gave him any rules initially but when he started treating them badly i made it clear that he couldnt do that anymore and that if he was going to see them then he had to treat them properly...is that wrong of me? My children were overlooked because of a minor bump to the head that one person could have dealt with. Ive got 3 children and I manage to look after all of them, even when one has bumped their head, if it were normal circumstances you wouldnt mind but he hadnt seen them for 12 weeks and there is always an excuse, and I always have to see the look of disappointment on the childrens faces. Im not out to be a bitch to him. I want him to be a nice, normal person who sees his children and acts like he gives a shit about them. You arent particularly helpful bellingham.

OP posts:

ShirleyKnot · 25/05/2011 15:46

Nope

It is difficult for you to grasp. Never mind. He hasn't bothered to see his children for 10 weeks - is that OK with you?

I'm starting to wonder whether arses have evolved hands and an ability to type.

bupcakesandcunting · 25/05/2011 15:46

You're reading what you want to read, Bellingham.

Ex treated OP badly. OP got to the end of her wick and retaliated. Manipulative ex forced her to apologise or else would not see his children. Didn't bother with children for ten weeks so OP sets access conditions (which are the NORM) and illustrates this in a ltter which she copied his mother on. Bear in mind her children are desperate to see their daddy. On day of planned access, stepchild injures head. Short visit to hospital means ex can see children afterwards but doesn't show. He now chooses to spend half term with stepchildren at the expense of his own.

That's about the measure of it.

bupcakesandcunting · 25/05/2011 15:47

Ignore Bellingham, OP. You've done nothing wrong. There's always one that likes to rattle the can.

Original poster

woahthere · 25/05/2011 15:50

noone decided 11th was not good. He offered that date as the soonest after not having them for months. Ive not said they cant go then, I just dont think they will particularly get much from their dad time wise. Im sure they will enjoy the party though. ive sent him an e-mail saying im upset he doesnt think about them at hlidays and he says im unbelievable. I know its unreasonable to be upset hes made plans for that week but he should think about his children at holiday time. Im not going to make him change his plans but I dont see why it should all be on his terms all the time, its just so unbelievably selfish.

OP posts:

bupcakesandcunting · 25/05/2011 15:52

Jesus, I come from a family with step-siblings and we were all involved in the same things during the holidays. I really don't see the issue here. Ex is a twat, fair and square.

ShirleyKnot · 25/05/2011 15:54

Please stop trying to engage with him on an emotional level. You telling him that you're upset means next to nothing to him.

You need to start detatching from it - if he won't be in regular contact with his children (which it sounds like to me) then you will gain nothing from begging him, in fact he probably get's off on it.

TechLovingDad · 25/05/2011 15:54

Time to cut him off, I think. Tell your DCs that dad will contact you when he can spend quality time with them next, but only if they ask.

Stop forcing it, he clearly isn't interested in them.

bupcakesandcunting · 25/05/2011 15:55

"Stop forcing it, he clearly isn't interested in them."

ShirleyKnot · 25/05/2011 15:58

Shit innit buppy?

Oh! I've got a good way to think of it (I do this one sometimes) Imagine how dreadful it would be if he was trying to get full custody of the children. That would be a much worse thing.

TechLovingDad · 25/05/2011 15:59

Am I wrong, bupcakes? To me it sounds like OPs children will be better off without the empty promises of his visits, dangled in front of them all the time.

Original poster

woahthere · 25/05/2011 16:03

they love their dad though. The purely selfish part of me wants to tell him to go and fuck himslef and that he isnt going to have the chance to hurt them again but I know that if they thought they werent going to see him again they would be broken because they do love him...they think hes weird and they get annoyed but they are very forgiving and kind children, so thats why I keep trying to get him to see sense.

OP posts:

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