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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder if shouty parents make tantrummy children!

48 replies

RedHotPokers · 25/05/2011 13:55

Don't flame me - I'm talking about myself!

I am on the louder/shoutier side of the parenting spectrum. I try to keep a lid on it, and certainly never swear or anything like that, but I do vere towards increased volume in times of children-induced stress.

My DD used to have some HUGE tantrums as a toddler, and DS is well and truly competing to win the best tantrum of the year award, with some real corkers!

I have a few friends who claim their children never had tantrums. These friends also (possibly coincidentally) all are very chilled out, quiet people.

So do you think there is a correlation? Are my children tantrumming specialists as a result of my high-volume parenting (after all I take credit for all their wonderful traits - maybe I should also take credit for their more challenging ones )??

OP posts:

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 25/05/2011 13:58

I'm a snooty mum. DS1 never really threw tantrums. DS 2 still does, and he's nearly 8. I suspect that DS2 is just more similar to me personality wise than super chilled DS1.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 25/05/2011 13:58

Sigh. Shouty. I'm a shouty mum.

WowOoo · 25/05/2011 13:59

I think tantrums would happen anyway, but maybe less so as they get older.

I know a very shouty mum and her dc don't have tantrums as such but they really do SHOUT a lot!

I try not to - when i do go all shouty they shout back, if I can stay calm they still shout at me but think they calm down more quickly when I don't get upset. (I scream in another room quite often)

TattyDevine · 25/05/2011 14:00

If there's a connection, its inherited personality, in my opinion, not so much leading by example.

Tantrummy kids happen - to anybody and everybody - in varying degrees, but unless what you shout about is causing the tantrums when they could be diverted, I bet they would tantrum anyway!

ClenchedBottom · 25/05/2011 14:01

Hmm.
Friends of ours are a very quiet couple. never seem to raise their voices. Eldest DC is very like them.
Second DC is the most tantrummy child I have ever met.......

sleepingsowell · 25/05/2011 14:03

I think it just depends on the kid

I seem to be physically incapable of shouting, DS is 8 and has only ever heard a slightly raised voice, never a shout but he had the most incredible, towering, biblical tantrums

WriterofDreams · 25/05/2011 14:04

I would agree with Tatty, it's inherited to a large extent. Some people are just louder and more emotionally expressive and they pass this on to their children both through the genes and through behaviour. That said, I've known normally tantrummy children to be quite calm around me because I don't react at all. They still tantrum, it just doesn't go on as long because I don't feed into it.

I think some children need to tantrum as a release of their frustration. If you let them have a bit of a tantrum it can blow over fairly fast. This of course isn't true for all children and it is much much easier to be calm when it's not your own child and you're not at the receiving end of the 5 millionth tantrum in a week!

JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns · 25/05/2011 14:04

ah so thats where dd gets it from.... bugger

Thelmapeace · 25/05/2011 14:04

No - I am shouty but my three don't tantrum. DD2 will have a strop and is as stubborn as a mule but none of them have ever done the flinging themselves to the ground, out of control tantrum.

BarbarianMum · 25/05/2011 14:07

I can be shouty - 1 tantrums the other doesn't. Certainly the shouting doesn't help

mrsbunnthebaker · 25/05/2011 14:11

probably, as they think shouting is the way to get what they want

like when dogs bark, if you shout they think you are joining in and bark more

cory · 25/05/2011 14:13

I'm rather chilled out, but have produced one tantrummy child and one non-tantrummy. Just one of those things.

mrsravelstein · 25/05/2011 14:14

i'm shouty, have 2 not at all shouty/tantrummy boys, and one dd who is too young for tantrums as yet, but i am fairly confident she is going to be unbelievably shouty and tantrummy. so no, i don't think there's a correlation.

aldiwhore · 25/05/2011 14:15

I've got a fiesty tantrumer and a sulker... DH is a sulker, I am prone to flouncing and am rather loud.

Saying that, I've got a very quiet friend who barely whispers and her son is the most tantrummy, flouncy, shouty child I've ever known... its probably pure frustration in his case, its rather frustrating never being able to push the boudaries because the boundaries get quieter and more pleasant with every step.

My youngests tantrums are getting less, because I'm calmer... though they're not getting less when DH handles, because he's always pretty calm.

In conclusion, shrug

saffy85 · 25/05/2011 14:20

Maybe a little bit. I am a naturally mouthy cow and my DD i the same. If I shout she will shout back. Me and my sister were the same with our mum who is definately not the chilled out type! It's clearly in the genes.

I think children will tantrum anyway, regardless of whether their parents yell at them. I've seen some of the most laidback parents get strips torn off them by their kids. Many will sit there and take it. I don't get that at all.

MadamDeathstare · 25/05/2011 14:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SilveryMoon · 25/05/2011 14:22

I try not to shout, but it's not easy, especially with my ds's

Personally, I think that tantrums are down to frustration. That can occur for many reasons, communication barriers, jealousy, needing more attention, tiredness etc etc etc.
But I do think behaviour is learnt.
For example, every time I shout at my ds's, I am teaching them that that is what we do when we are faced with a problem.
Whereas, I should probably have other techniques to teach them how to better channel emotions.

Both my ds's have been nightmares with tantrums. Ds2 is in the phase atm, and it is shocking how much mess he can make and how much he can scream!

Both mine (who are 3.9yrs and 2.3yrs) have 'angry pillows' which when they are upset/angry/cross/sad, however they describe it, they can hit, punch, kick and throw. Instead of each other.
This way they work out their frustration/aggression in a manner I am happy with without anyone getting hurt.
Sometimes it's hard to catch ds2 in the right moment before tantrum hits, then he is far beyond reason, within a click of your fingers.
Sod

petaluma · 25/05/2011 14:23

A bit of a tangent...I used to go out with a bloke who was lovely but so utterly painfully shy. I couldn't understand it until I met his mother who was the most shouty, outgoing and, dare I say, overbearing woman I have met in my entire life. I think his personality was completely a reaction to her and therefore no correlation to shouty mums and tantrummy children in this case.

IgnoringTheChildren · 25/05/2011 14:35

DH and I are (almost always) pretty calm and quiet when dealing with DS1 yet he pulls off spectacular tantrums that last for ages! After the last one (1.5 hours at bedtime) I'm seriously starting to wonder if getting a bit shouty at him might be a quicker better way of dealing with him!

Fennel · 25/05/2011 14:40

I'm quite shouty/tantrummy (I like to call it In Touch With My Emotions ) and only one of my 3 dc has been a serious tantrummer - the one who I think takes after me. One, my oldest, has never tantrummed, she's always been chilled out. Almost too chilled out. I don't think it's necessarily a plus, she is less free to say what she thinks than dd2 and me, the tantrum queens.

cheesesarnie · 25/05/2011 14:41

imo shouty parents show children that they have no control or are losing control by resulting to shouting.(i do shout btw).
children pick up on this loss of control,push the boundaries,parent shouts more,child has tantrum etc etc.
parent and child needs to learn how to control emotions.

i love shouting

pingu2209 · 25/05/2011 14:43

I think there is a link. A mixture of inherited personality - highly strung, shouty etc and a bit of learned behaviour - children pick up on the shouting so shout back and it builds up.

I am from a very shouty irish background. My mum shouted at me and I shout at my kids.

I have considered this point OP quite often.

Imnotaslimjim · 25/05/2011 14:44

I'm a shouty mum at certain times of the month

DS never tantrummed, apart from when tired, and putting him to bed resolved it. DD is unreal with her tantrums - telling her to get a coat on results in an absolute meltdown sometimes!

culturemulcher · 25/05/2011 14:49

Ooh what an interesting thread. It looks as though though there isn't really a correlation.

I'm a shouty mum. Would love not to be, but I am.

BUT I've been very lucky. DS has NEVER had a tantrum (he's now 4) and DD only had a 3 or 4.

They were both early-ish talkers, and I wonder if this has more to do with their not tantruming? I wonder if tantrums are more about frustration and not being able to properly express their fatigue/hunger/inability to reach the door handle?

Insomnia11 · 25/05/2011 15:42

I was quiet and chilled out until I had children...

I don't think tantrums are learned behaviour, it's not like my daughters have seen me throwing myself to the floor and beating my fists on the ground. Well, not often anyway. Only if they wake me up at 4.30am again. :)

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