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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel this broody, and to want another baby...or am I just selfish???

26 replies

petitfromage · 24/05/2011 21:59

I'm a single parent, exh left when I had DS (now aged 3) having announced at the start of the pregnancy that he 'couldn't do this'.
I'm now in a lovely relationship with a really awesome guy, been dating for nearly a year and I'm really happy....but he's admitted he's not sure he will want a baby of his own. I'm 37, all my friends now have baby number 2 and are all living the baby years again and looking so happy (and knackered but that's by the by).
I've tried to deny it, tried to pretend it doesn't exist but here it is: I'm so broody it physically hurts. I found some of my DS's babygrows and cried so much it's pathetic. I can't tell any of my friends as then it becomes real. I love being a mum (even though I'm a career girl) and I want to do it again like you wouldn't believe.
If I leave my fabulous bloke because I want a baby I know it'll break my heart and I'll never have the strength to start another relationship that means this much before my time for having a baby runs out. And I don't want to. I want a baby with him - but I want to know how it feels to have a baby with someone who wants to have a baby with me.
Will this feeling pass or will I always resent not having had the chance to have another baby? Or am I just a selfish cow, should I just be grateful that I have my one gorgeous DS and a bloke who finally makes me happy?
Help.........

OP posts:
MrBombastic · 24/05/2011 22:00

Yabu but not much else I can say.

Broodiness sucks.

MrBombastic · 24/05/2011 22:01

YANBU even Blush

CaptainBarnacles · 24/05/2011 22:02

I don't know whether you ABU or not. I am pretty much in your position, except I don't have a lovely - or any - boyfriend. I can absolutely relate, especially to the friends having number 2. It's gutting. I try to be - and am grateful - for having my lovely DD, a good job, etc. But I would love another baby, especially with a willing partner.

thisisyesterday · 24/05/2011 22:05

i don't think it would be o ut of order for you to sit him down and tell him all this... if you haven't already?

it's all well and good him saying he's not sure if he[ll want one... you need an answer! if he does not want children he needs to tell you so that you can decide what to do... either accept that and try and make your peace with it, or think about leaving the relationship

i certainly don't think you're selfish wanting another child. I have 3 and I feel incredibly broody right now (not helped by friends producing squishy little babies) but dp is not keen!

so talk to him, tell him how much it means to you, tell him you're worried about your age, tell him it's HIS baby you want.... and see what he sys.
maybe he just hasn't thought about it that much yet

ZXEightyMum · 24/05/2011 22:06

YANBU to feel this way.

I have two DC, girl and boy and I want another even though we can't afford it and don't have the space. Relationship is fine but these things need to be considered.

I can say that having a baby with a man who really wants one is wonderful and well worth waiting for. I had DD with my first H and the difference between that experience and having DS with DH was amazing.

DH moved in when DD was 3 and was so taken with parenting and family life that he wanted another child although he didn't pressure me one way or another.

Does this man really make you happy?

Original poster
petitfromage · 24/05/2011 22:10

I just worry if I tell him how much I want a baby I'll come across as some desperado who only met a bloke to get a baby (which I didn't, this has all come as a bit of a shock)....and also I'm terrified I'll end up in some ultimatum that I don't think I can face.

AIBU to think that I could probably talk him round over time? Oh scrap that, I know I'm DEFINITELY BU but that's actually how I feel. He's coping well with a toddler in his bachelor filled existance (we are having our first 'family' holiday together soon) so surely a baby wouldn't be that big a leap....would it?

OP posts:
hairylights · 24/05/2011 22:11

I think you have to weigh up the facts and work out what's most important

You want another dc
You want another dc with someone who wants a
Dc with you
Your current boyfriend doesn't want dc with you
You want to stay with your current boyfriend

If it's that you want a dc more than you want the other things ... Bail NOW and use sperm donation. I speak as a forty tree yr old who has no dc and stayed with the wrong man (who didn't want children - and with whom
Children would have been a huge mistake)
And has now had three mc, probably to do with poor egg quLity. If I could go back in time and give myself one word of advice, it would be "leave".

Of course only you will know what is the most important thing to you, but you can never get your fertile years back once they have gone.

hairylights · 24/05/2011 22:12

And no, the "working on him" thing doesn't work.

He seems to have made his position quite clear.

Original poster
petitfromage · 24/05/2011 22:12

Thanks ZX, really appreciate your post - gives me hope that if we moved in together then he might come round!

And yes, he makes me happier than I ever thought possible. And I think he'd say the same.

OP posts:
CaptainBarnacles · 24/05/2011 22:14

I really wouldn't try to talk him into it. Even if it works, it could go horribly wrong when the baby arrives.

Hairylights - sorry to hear that. Life really sucks sometimes. x

Original poster
petitfromage · 24/05/2011 22:16

hairylights - you are definitely giving me food for thought.

starting to think I might need to talk to him.

Oh and to add to the equation he had cancer a while ago so his fertility is still 50:50 (he had eggs frozen) so it's not even a guarantee that he could have dcs. I could live with that....but I'd like to try to give him a family as I think he'd absolutely love it (and as I'm used to being a LP I am happy to do more of the work on my own if that was what was required).

OP posts:
everyspring · 24/05/2011 22:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BimboNo5 · 24/05/2011 22:20

He had EGGS frozen? Confused

thisisyesterday · 24/05/2011 22:20

you really do need to talk to hijm, perhaps he is saying he doesn't think he wants any because he is worried he can't ever have any?

you won't know how he honestly feels unless you talk to himn and find out!

my best friend always said she didn't want kids. she met the man of her dreams, she told him- no kids! he agreed, they decided they'd have none
a couple of years later she started thinking she might want some after all... she brought the idea up a few times, he seemed keen... turned out he wanted them all along, but was willing to have none in order to have her.

what i'm saying is that she was so shocked that he actually wanted them, because he had said he didn't (to please her).
so you never know what he is thiniking inside!

Wafflepuss · 24/05/2011 22:23

He had his eggs frozen??

If he's firing eggs you've got no chance.

Is he by any chance a seahorse?

Original poster
petitfromage · 24/05/2011 22:24

yeah my biology isn't the best (and guess what I'm thinking about rather than sperm)

OP posts:
wineisfine · 24/05/2011 22:26

Talk to him talk to him talk to him.

A strong, good, positive relationship can easily withstand discussions about something like this.

You DON'T want to say, one day when it's too late, "oh I did so want a child with you", and to have him say "if I'd known that I would've considered it", or something similar.

It needs to be a decision you make together - no more kids, see if you can have kids, go all out trying to have kids. Don't put words in his mouth or ascribe absolutes to him.

I was in a similar situation and talking works, I promise. Even the process of discussing it can be very bonding, and you'll find it so much easier to come to terms with whatever the outcome is if you've talked it through and through.

inanna12 · 24/05/2011 22:28

step parenting is really, really different to actually being a parent. how your partner feels about your 3 year old has little bearing on how he would feel as a parent....step parenting is just unmitigated hard work, no matter how cute the kid or how much you love their parent. parenting is much better!
i think you should tell him honestly how you feel. ime men massively underestimate broodiness, and have no idea how consuming and painful it is. they really have no idea (i didn't either till it hit me. now i follow babies around supermarkets and look daggers at parents being anything less than fabulous. fun isn't it?). quite possibly he has no idea what it means to you. if all he has said is that he doesn't know if he wants a baby, you're not in a bad position.

Original poster
petitfromage · 24/05/2011 22:31

Heading to bed now but will be thinking about the idea of talking to him all night. The one time we did discuss it he said he just wanted to let me know 'where he was at'. I don't remember exactly what I said but I was really trying not to come across as desperate to have a baby. I think I may have said I'd consider it....

OP posts:
SockShitter · 25/05/2011 15:23

If you reallly really want children (and would be wiling to do it alone with catalogue sperm), I would tell him the truth now... or maybe wait till you've been together a year. nice round number there.

If he says no, you are no worse off and can go make a nice baby all on your own or try and find yourself a nice guy you could be with who does want children. If you don't tel him and then realise in your 40s you really do want a baby, leaving him and finding someone new won't really be an option will it?

Original poster
petitfromage · 25/05/2011 20:47

Talked this through with friends over kids tea after all your very helpful posts. Advice is that I should bring up gently (possibly after a few glasses of wine then I can blame tipsy behaviour for my conversation) but that it is worth stating where I think I see myself in a few years i.e. married and with another baby. If he genuinely doesn't see that future then we need have a big assed chat, but I think at this stage I need to just set my stall out in a fairly subtle (so not in tears, desperate or over emotional) way and then let him think it through. He is very intelligent and considered so he won't just give me BS that I want to hear to keep me happy (like my exh did hence the reason I'm in this predicament) but I think I need to be honest for both our sakes.
So does that sound sensible.....?
Oh FYI spent tea time with friends all discussing weaning their second babies, nearly had me hitting the gin at 5pm. Sigh....

OP posts:
inanna12 · 25/05/2011 21:34

hi op. following this thread with interest as am in a similar position re broodiness. my dh and i have 2 children and i am desperate for another. he's not. but, i found the process of telling him to be really healing and bonding - i was very scared, but explaining it all was great. dh still said no, but it felt great to communicate about it, at least in part because i'd been so obssessive and in my own head about it.
i don't want to disagree with your friends (you like them more than you like me, obvs!), but having been in your position, i'm not sure that "stating where i see myself in a few years" would have been very useful. obviously, your partner and mine aren't the same, and you know better than me how to broach the subject with him. i think that if i'd couched it in those terms, my partner might have been somewhat offended, as though i had planned out our lives without even telling him. for me, what worked best, in terms of me feeling better about it, was just being honest. i don't ever want to manipulate my partner into giving me what i want by game-playing - even about this. so i just said that i really, really, REALLY want a baby; that i know it's irrational, and that i'm surprised i feel that way, but i do, and i need him to know it (and, i said that if he felt something so strongly, i'd want him to tell me).
we're ttc.

inanna12 · 25/05/2011 21:36

sorry - just read this back. i'm not suggesting you are game-playing by your choice of phrase - just that i would have felt i was. honesty is very important to me.

hairylights · 26/05/2011 11:44

"Advice is that I should bring up gently (possibly after a few glasses of wine then I can blame tipsy behaviour for my conversation)"

I agree with discussing it gently, but NOT after a few glasses of wine. Why would you need to have something to blame your behaviour or conversation on?

this sounds a little like your needs not being important to you ...you have every right to state what it is you want out of life, it's then your choice whether to sacrifice one thing or another if there is no room for what you want in your relationship.

This is a really serious issue ... don't undermine it by minimising it when you raise it.

inanna12 · 26/05/2011 16:33

totally agree hairy. op, broodiness might not be rational or convenient, but you have nothing to apologise for or feel that you need to play down. if you do that, how will your partner know how big a deal this really is to you? you're completely entitled to feel however you feel (as is he), and to communicate it honestly.

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