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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My son has been hateful to another child, I am so disappointed.

46 replies

CRS · 23/05/2011 18:07

My son went on a residential trip with school last week. There is a child in the class who my son does not like/get on with (this child has problems generally with social skills, and does not really have friends, which is ). He's a really nice lad, and he interacts very well with adults though.

My son, by contrast, is quite a popular sort, as I guess he is quite friendly and sociable, and that lucky thing among lads this age - good at football [hmmm]. Not terribly bright academically though, if we're going to be honest, which the other boy has made a point of making clear. At length. In my hearing occassionally. So, meh.

But on this residential, my son has been nasty to this boy, and called him fat, for which he was rightly in big trouble with the head teacher at school today, after boy's mum came in to complain.

I am a: Embarrassed, and feel very let down by my son's behaviour, as I thought he was generally kind hearted and not a bully.
b: disappointed as son also had problems with being picked on when he joined our (very small, village)school in Y4, so I would have thought would have more empathy.
c: a bit annoyed that the 4 other boys involved in this incident were not punished too.
d: Mortified, as I know the other boy's mum and we are relatively friendly, and I don't know whether to ring her to apologise.

Sorry. That was very long. If you have not died of boredom read to the end, what does anyone think about how I should handle son, and whether I should ring other boy's mum and say I'm sorry?

OP posts:

Original poster

CRS · 23/05/2011 18:08

(I am not trying to justify son's behaviour by point c, by the way - just read that back and thought that's how it sounded!)

OP posts:

HRHShoesytwoesy · 23/05/2011 18:10

don't write your son off, kids can be horrid, just talk to him and explain why he is in the wrong. I wouldn't ring the other mum, no good will come of it.

FabbyChic · 23/05/2011 18:10

Id get your son to ring the boy and to apologise.

lisad123isasnuttyasaboxoffrogs · 23/05/2011 18:10

well how are the school handling it? Has he been made to say sorry? If not I think he should, and maybe a frank discussion and difference and being kind. TBH I remember calling names as a kid, we all do it sadly :( so try not to over react

Original poster

CRS · 23/05/2011 18:12

He had to write a letter of apology to boy - good. Except I read it and it had phrases in such as "Every child has a right to feel safe and happy in our school, as I know". My son does not talk, or as far as I know, write like this....

OP posts:

overmydeadbody · 23/05/2011 18:14

I'm with HRH and lisad, all kids can be horrible sometimes, and (without sounding like I am justifying your DS's behaviour) if the other kid is always calling him stupid it hardly sounds one-sided. A frank discussion with your DS should suffice. I wouldn't call the other mum, it was a school issue, the school have handled it.

scarlettsmummy2 · 23/05/2011 18:14

I probably would ring the other mum to be honest- just to let her know that you don't condone this kind of behaviour. I am sure it is just boys being boys and I am sure in a few days it will all be forgotten.

Porphyria · 23/05/2011 18:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

animula · 23/05/2011 18:15

Bear in mind that the fact that he (your son) was bullied, and so knows that his social position is a bit shaky, will make him vulnerable to falling into line, and not splitting ranks, if another child is scapegoated.

So, while you're doing all the talking to him about not picking people out and picking on people, make sure you do a little probing about how he feels socially at school, and how secure he feels about his popularity, and so on.

thisisyesterday · 23/05/2011 18:17

well... i wouldn't do anything.

it sounds as tohgh they're both as bad as each other and the school have dealt with it.

no, he shouldn't have called him fat... but i'm guessing he knows that already, that's why he did it! it was designed to upset. of course you should remind him that you are not impressed with this and that 2 wrongs don't make a right... but aside from that i'd leave it as it is .

what did the other boy do to provoke it? anything?

Original poster

CRS · 23/05/2011 18:17

Well - he said "I picked on him cos I didn't want the others to pick on me", but it sounds like a bit of an excuse to me. I know who he's talking about, but it's no good reason to be hateful to another child, is it?

OP posts:

Casey76 · 23/05/2011 18:17

I would prob wait till I saw other mum and then say how embarrased you were about your sons behaviour and that he had been in big trouble and hopefully has learnt his lesson....
At least your not one of those tiresome mums who think its never their kids who are in the wrong....

JamieAgain · 23/05/2011 18:18

Glad to see you are taking this seriously. If this is a one-off and not part of an ongoing situation, then I would not do a lot more than you have done. The school is dealing with it and you can have a chat with him, but I would not punish further. A letter to the other boy would be good, which the other mother will see. The most important thing is that your son apologises and realises he went too far.

One occasion does not make a bully, IMO. Hope it doesn't recur.

MrsMellowDrummer · 23/05/2011 18:20

She'll probably appreciate you ringing. Might be feeling just as awkward as you are about it.

I wouldn't be angry with the parent of a child in this situation, if I felt they were doing their best to deal with the situation, and it really sounds as if you are.

Casey76 · 23/05/2011 18:20

about that letter...that sounds more like a school policy about bullying not a letter a child would write...why ask him to write a letter that they dictate, thats hardly the point...more a parent pleaser letter for the other mum..

JamieAgain · 23/05/2011 18:22

X posted with your last post.

Get a copy of There's a Boy in the Girl's Bathroom. Really good, funny story about an unpopular kid, bullying and friendship.

animula is exactly right, as well. It's a rare child who will stand up for someone else, if they have been bullied themselves, which is why the school has to have a zero tolerance of any kind of teasing, name-calling and ostracism

Danthe4th · 23/05/2011 18:23

Is the other lad fat??? because its not going to be the last time its said as horrid as children can be they are often honest.

tomhardyismydh · 23/05/2011 18:24

I would leave it as it is as far is between the boys and his mum goes, to be honest, the school is managing it and getting involved isnt going to help. It was a nasty thing he said but your son as with all children will learn this just make sure you make clear to him that it is very unacceptable and you would be disappointed if this kind of talk stuck with him. I wouldnt say it was bullying, but would definatly want to keep and eye on it.

I would talk with the school and ask them to keep you informed of any similar behavior, I would aslo talk to the school about the letter as it does not seem to be a heart felt apology if it is words regurgitate by a teacher. How ever if they have given him the anti bullying policy and discussed it with him and this is his own interpretation on it, I would say that is a good thing and hopefully shows he has understood it. These are the words from the every child matters accomplishments, so I would hope they have discussed with your son what they actually mean.

JamieAgain · 23/05/2011 18:27

Following on from my last post ....That said, my son was bullied and he has reported bullying of other children to me, so I will tell the teachers, even if he can't bring himself to do it directly, and he makes an effort to be friendly and NOT join in. Maybe suggest your son does the same

sleepingsowell · 23/05/2011 18:27

I don't think you need to do anything other than allow your son to see your disappointment.

It happened in school time, it has been dealt with. Leave it there.

Use it as a learning experience for your DS - if he's been able to identify that he targetted this boy in order to divert the other kids from him (which is pretty clever of him to be able to identify that) then have a chat with him about more assertive, positive strategies he can use in the future. Make it clear that you know he's a lovely person and this behaviour wasn't worthy of him so this is why you're going to look at some better ways of coping in the future.

Jux · 23/05/2011 18:27

OK, dd was recently at the receiving end of something fairly similar. I would have welcomed the opportunity to talk to the mum of the boy who had it in for her - not so I could shout and scream and tell her how horrid her child is (I'm sure he isn't actually)' but just so we were both singing from the same hymn sheet. I'm all for trying to find solutions to this sort of thing so that the two kids find a way to, at least, relate to each other without hating each other; my ultimate ideal is that they would end up as friends, which is obviously not always possible.

Mind you, I have been called too peaceable by quite a few.

JamieAgain · 23/05/2011 18:28

yy tomhardy about the letter

TattyDevine · 23/05/2011 18:29

If he' suffered a bit of bullying himself, its "natural" to then employ these tactics to big oneself up a bit and reinforce once's place in the playground heirarchy. Not making excuses for him, at all, however if you thought he should have empathy, well, he probably does, but it often actually goes the opposite way to that in terms of how the experience colours them.

Sucks doesn't it.

I think you've handled it fine. Unsure as to whether you should phone or not. I'll leve that to the other members of the jury to decide!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/05/2011 18:30

I'd agree with the other posters who say leave it to the school and between the boys. That doesn't stop you showing your son how displeased and disappointed you are in his behaviour. That will probably bring it home to him quickly than any punishment you can think of.

Kids are kids... and sometimes they're horrible.

stoatie · 23/05/2011 18:30

I would ring her, she will probably understand - I know with my son if I knew he had done something (and he did) I would always apologise to the mums - don't want them thinking I condoned the behaviour. However, once a mum launched a verbal assault on me in the playground about how my son had been horrid to her daughter (who I didn't know) - I was mortified, immediately apologised on his behalf and said I would go into the class and speak to the teacher - this was year 2 and we were waiting for the children to come out.

So after children had come out in I went and spoke to the teacher - turns out the girl had actually been the one throwing the insults etc, the teacher had witnessed it all and for once my son was innocent. She apparently (I was working) informed the other mum (quite loudly I believe) in front of other parents that she was misinformed about my son's behaviour and that he was the innocent party - my childminder was there and heard this and also chatted loudly to my friends about how my son had been wrongly accused. Other parent avoided me from then on!!

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