My son has been hateful to another child, I am so disappointed.

[CRS]

My son went on a residential trip with school last week. There is a child in the class who my son does not like/get on with (this child has problems generally with social skills, and does not really have friends, which is ). He's a really nice lad, and he interacts very well with adults though.

My son, by contrast, is quite a popular sort, as I guess he is quite friendly and sociable, and that lucky thing among lads this age - good at football [hmmm]. Not terribly bright academically though, if we're going to be honest, which the other boy has made a point of making clear. At length. In my hearing occassionally. So, meh.

But on this residential, my son has been nasty to this boy, and called him fat, for which he was rightly in big trouble with the head teacher at school today, after boy's mum came in to complain.

I am a: Embarrassed, and feel very let down by my son's behaviour, as I thought he was generally kind hearted and not a bully.
b: disappointed as son also had problems with being picked on when he joined our (very small, village)school in Y4, so I would have thought would have more empathy.
c: a bit annoyed that the 4 other boys involved in this incident were not punished too.
d: Mortified, as I know the other boy's mum and we are relatively friendly, and I don't know whether to ring her to apologise.

Sorry. That was very long. If you have not died of boredom read to the end, what does anyone think about how I should handle son, and whether I should ring other boy's mum and say I'm sorry?

She rang me - We had a good chat and son apologised to other boy on the phone, who was very gracious and accepted apology. Hope that will be it all sorted now.

That's really good CRS.

I'm glad it's all sorted OP.

It would be great if there were more parents like you

(Thinks - that phone call was a coincidence - have I been identified? )

The school have dealt with it so leave it now.

No need to ring the mum. Kids are unkind to each other sometimes and although none of us like to think of our children in this way it does happen all the time. If you call the mum it makes a bigger deal out of it than it is or it needs to be which isn't fair on your son. He said something hurtful, but possibly honest, which children do all the time. He's not done anything terrible. TBH I think the other Mum would be better spending time helping build her son's self-esteem rather than telling tales over play ground talk.

Your son knows your feelings about it now so leave it at.

Haha paranoid........she was prob stressing as much as you and wanted it sorted out...

Well, if you have, you have done yourself proud on here.

Name-change though ......

Just seen your update - glad it's all sorted.

Has anything been said about the other boy calling your son ?

If your DS is normally a good, caring, sort then I would just make him well aware that you are disappointed with this incident & leave it at that. If it happens again, that's the time to come down on him like a ton of bricks.

As others have said, kids are kids and they ALL are capable of being nasty or spiteful sometimes. I would expect the other 3 boys to be spoken to aswell though, if all 4 were equally involved.

I once overheard my (normally very sweet & friendly) DS2 calling another, slightly slower, boy a "spas". I went mad. It's never happened again.

Well. The other mum told me she knows it's not just my son. And she is right , I think, when she says the bullying (which it is - there have been lots of other incidents, not involving my son but involving always another child, the one that led the bullying of MY son, by the way) will not get sorted out by just MY child seeing the error of his ways ( I sincerely hope he has anyway!)

True CRS Did you get a satisfying response from the school about the bullying before? Might be time for someone to take this on. Bullies who get away with it develop a retinue, based on fear of being the victim, over time and thus appear quite popular to teachers, who sometimes have no idea what goes on in the playground

Eventually it did get sorted (my son's bullying). But not by the head. By another member of staff who found me crying in the staff room at lunchtime, because I'd just done a playground duty and watched my son being systematically ostracised (again) and been unable to do anything as it would have made it worse. And been unprofessional.

A colleague (to whom I am eternally grateful!) who had taught the boys before, went and did a very effective, non telling off sort of chat with the class when son was off ill, and really got things sorted.

My son had a very strong (Brum) accent when he started. He was the youngest in the mixed class by miles. And said child decided they were going to get him. It went on til about November, a term of tears and "Why did YOU make us come here" and non eating (on son's part), before I cracked.

So you see - I can't understand how my son could've joined in!

I should add - they are in Y6 now and about to go to big school all together in September - I can only hope that the pool of friends widens a bit, and it's not so cliquey. My son is fine now. But this other lad isn't, so I hope it will all get sorted quite soon.

And that (very bright) bully is in a different tutor group!

Good teachers really are worth their weight in gold aren't they? I'm glad you've got it sorted & FWIW, it sounds like you've handled the situation just about right. .

CRS You can request that (well in this area anyway). If there has been, shall we say, "history" between your child & another then the high schools do seem to respect parental requests to keep the children apart. The only problem will come when the children are "setted" if they are of similar ability.

I would definitely speak to the other Mum and say how sorry you are, how disappointed you are in your son, and how you have had very firm words with him about his behaviour.

Bollocks to this "just leave it" nonsense. Wtf?

If one of my dc bullied a child and I knew about it I would forgive them, sure, after having a full and frank discussion but not just write it off because "all kids do it". That's awful.

Well, luckily, the kid I am worried about is much brighter than my son, and will be top set. The kids can request a friend, and the child my son is "best friends with" will also request him, and they are good together socially. Also, they are similar ability, (good average), so hopefully all will be well!

DS is in year 5 and this seems to be an ongoing topic for us, luckily on the whole he is the voice of reason but I dont think any of us can assume our children are above this behaviour.

I have had numerous discussion with the mother of the child in my sons year who is regulary "bullied" but I have to say it is slowly dawning on me that he is just as likely to be equally mouthy but runs to mum every time someone says something to him.

DS was upset as someone said he had moobs last week, to be fair he does have them so I told him either he tones up or he ignores the idiot who said it!

I think as parent all we can do is a) let your child know its unnacceptable b) let the other parent know you are aware of it and dealing with it

Then hope eventually they get through this phase and learn to tolerate people they dont like quietly

I think big fish in little ponds become smaller fish once they get to Secondary, from what I've heard. Certainly hope so !

I THINK a lesson has been learned. For my son anyway. I also told his dad, when he got home just now, which he was MORTIFIED about, as he always wants to impress Daddy (much more than me!). Anyway. Thank you for advice, people. I really appreciate it.