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to think my mother has no right to speak to me like this?

57 replies

VivaLeBeaver · 23/05/2011 12:35

I just rang my mum up and while on the phone to her the post came, one was an important letter telling me if DD has a school place. So I opened it while talking to her, she asked me what I was doing. I apolif=gised and explained what the letter was and that it was important. Then carried on talking and opened another letter.

My mum muttured something about how it normally anooys her people doing other stuff while on the phone and I said sorry again and pointed out that time is short and I'm off to work in an hour.

She then starts ranting at me that my time management skills are wrong and she "needs to have a talk" with me. I tell ehr that no we don't and that there's nothing wrong with my time management skills. She then starts saying that maybe I should have rung her earlier before the post came, etc, etc. Then she says that I spend too much time on the computer and not enough time doing housework.

I point out that I work 4 days a week and everything that needs doing in my house is done. We do have different levels of houseproudness. My house is a bit messy, but its clean. Food is cooked, dishwasher is done, laundry, ironing is done and hoover gets done as needed. Her house is spotless.

I tell we have different levels and that I'm happy with my house. She is now talking to me really condescending and saying its not fair on the other people in the house. I tell her if DH has a problem then he can pull his finger out his bum and do some housework.

She says thats not fair on him as he works 5 days a week and I only work 4. I point out that seeing as I'm the only person who irons, does supermarket shopping, walks the dog and does laundry then that equates to that extra day a week. She says I need to spend my one day a week off cleaning hte house from top to bottom. I think she needs to fuck off.

I'm happy with the amount of housework me and DH do between us. DH seems Ok with it apart from when I've had a mad cooking spree and he comes home to find the kitchen looks like its exploded. But it gets sorted.

I know she's going to be going on and fucking on about this for weeks now. She'll get DD on side as well because DD likes to play us off against each other and stir it. So mum will come to me saying that DD says you spends hours on the laptop.

I know I'm on MN and FB most days but I don't watch TV so this is now my relaxation time before starting work as I won't finish work till 10:00pm. So get no evening. Laundry has been done this morning, dog has been walked, pots put away, chickens fed, dishwasher is on.

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 23/05/2011 12:37

I think she needs to fuck off

That's it in a nutshell!


VivaLeBeaver · 23/05/2011 12:38

And apparantly I'm going to "hit the buffers soon" whatever that means. And she's warned me and now won't be tehre for me when I do.

Fucking mean, miserable bitch.

She continues to try and treat me like I'm 10 and I've told her before she needs to stop trying to run my life.

OP posts:

cheesesarnie · 23/05/2011 12:39

agree with val!

i am lazy but my mum wouldnt dream of lecturing me.if it was affecting dc she might but.....


YusMilady · 23/05/2011 12:40

Don't ring your mother before work. That's just asking for trouble.


valiumredhead · 23/05/2011 12:40

You need to make phone calls like the above VERY short. Cut her short and say "Sorry mum, need to hoover before I dash off to work - I'll speak to you soon" Wink


Eglu · 23/05/2011 12:40

YANBU, she is incredibly rude. Tell her you will not spend the time calling her, so that you have more time to clean and open your mail in future.


VivaLeBeaver · 23/05/2011 12:41

And she said that my time management skills are so poor I don't brush DD's hair in the morning. DD is 10 and brushes her own hair. I pointed this out to mum and said that DD wouldn't let me brush her hair and is capabale of brushing her own.

Mum says that DD makes a bad job of it and that I need to brush it and saying she won't let me is a poor excuse when I'm the adult. She doesn't get that I'm happy with DD making not quite a perfect job of her hair. My mum is obsessed with dd's hair and goes on and on about it not looking perfect. Its brushed, it looks fine. She's hardly stig of the dump.

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 23/05/2011 12:42

I think you'd be a lot happier if you spoke to your mother a lot less. And as for her getting your DD on side, if my mum tried that shit with me she wouldn't be seeing my DD.

Tell her you are not a child who needs to be managed, you will do as you see fit and to mind her own business. Then hang up and stop taking her calls.


aldiwhore · 23/05/2011 12:42

Og course your mum's being unreasonable. Unfortunately I agree with her regarding talking to someone who's on the phone who's obviously doing something else, its very annoying, and incredibly obvious, you say you phoned her? Your distraction was rude.

As for the rest, always safer not to go there really, don't argue back, just say you'll call later... don't get embroiled in comparing standards, don't engage with her on that issue, and don't bite.

If you are on the phone and the post arrives, say you'll phone back later as something's come up, then hang up.

My standards are vastly different to my mum's, our lifestyles are very different, we'd clash all the time if there was an opening, but we agreed a long time ago just not to go there, and if the other tries, we change the subject or hang up.... and certainly, the golden rule, do not bite.

YABU for opening mail whilst on the phone that was obvious and that she noticed. YABU for biting. YABU for listening. Your mum is BU too, but you gave her an opening really.


valiumredhead · 23/05/2011 12:42

My mum always goes on about ds needing a hair cut - it's longish and surfer style. She rants on about him developing a tic because it's in his eyes ( it's not!) YAWN.................


CurrySpice · 23/05/2011 12:43

My mom thinks I do too much housework (I don't - sounds like I'm a bit like you) because she worries that I'm overdoing it because I work too. It seems so alien to me that she tells you that you should be doing more!!


Gingerbeerandcreambuns · 23/05/2011 12:43

You need some boundaries imvho. My Dad said something similar to me once and recieved a frosty response worthy of the abominable snowman. I am all for being close with family but it someone makes you feel rubbish and does it regularly you need to withdraw a bit.

Look at your last paragraph justifying why you go on MN and FB to us, you don't need to do that. It has precisely fuck all to do with your Mother how you conduct your domestic arrangements and I would refuse to ever engage further with her on the matter.


CurrySpice · 23/05/2011 12:44

And as for opening a letter while on the phone to mom, I empty the diswasher, open post, tidy up, make dinner - whatever while we chat


AgentZigzag · 23/05/2011 12:44

Why do you let her do it?

You're half the relationship and can refuse to let her do it.

You've justified yourself in the OP, you really didn't need to, or to her either.

How old is your DD?

I wouldn't be happy with her getting your DD 'onside'.

She sounds manipulative and controlling.


ConfessionsOfaFlask · 23/05/2011 12:45

What Valium said.

I would stay on the phone and switch the hoover on next time she calls Grin


TheCrackFox · 23/05/2011 12:45

I would have hung up on her.


TheVisitor · 23/05/2011 12:45

Repeat after me "Mother, my house, time management and what we do in my house is my business, not yours, and please do not use my daughter to make your point, otherwise your time with her will be seriously curtailed." Repeat ad nauseum. Say it to her enough and she'll get the point.


ratspeaker · 23/05/2011 12:46

she's obviously got too much time or her hands

I dont like the idea you think your DD will have to "take sides"

Mind you I;d counteract that by saying well grandma thinks your hair is amess but we dont HAVE to do everything she says


Vallhala · 23/05/2011 12:48

I think you need to change your phone number! Seriously.

You think that your mother should fuck off.

I can't think why you didn't tell her to.

Next time she calls tell her you can't speak as you're allocating phone time to cleaning.

Or better still, change your phone number.


Gingerbeerandcreambuns · 23/05/2011 12:49

You know you don't even have to have big confrontation with her either. I find that total non commital responses such as "Oh", "really", "do you think so?" or even just "mmmm". Goes a long way. It works with people in my family and I have a few difficult ones believe me, because they don't know what I am thinking about what they are saying, you are not giving them any feedback or anything to spark off so they run out of steam and end up trying to explain themselves or feeling silly.


Gingerbeerandcreambuns · 23/05/2011 12:50

As the for the dd taking sides thing I would come down on THAT like ten ton of bricks.


AMumInScotland · 23/05/2011 12:53

How about saying "Oh we're onto that topic again are we. Time I was off" and put the phone down. Repeat as required. If she "goes on about it for weeks" then she is going to hear your stock reply and an empty phone quite often. Sooner or later, she will learn that you're not going to pay attention to her when she criticises you.

And if she tries it on with your dd, she doesn't get contact with dd - don't let her have that power over your relationship with your own child.


VivaLeBeaver · 23/05/2011 12:59

I like the idea of just saying mmmmmm all the time to her. Would annoy her no end. Actually it probably wouldn't, she's so thick she'd think I was taking it all on board.

Next time she rings I am going to get DH to say I can't come to the phone as I'm cleaning the bathroom.

She's picking dd up from school today and I know she'll say to dd "how much time is your mum on the computer" and dd will say loads. And then mum will ask dd if it upsets her and dd will say yes. DD does love stirring it. I honestly do spend loads of time with dd but if dinner is cooked and dd is watching tv then yes I will come on MN. If dd comes and says she wants to paly I will go and play.

Plus we go out at weekends all over the place doign stuff together, which I would raher do than stay in and do housework. I don't rememebr my mum playing with me as a child. My overriding memory is of her gardening 24/7 at the weekends and cleaning hte bathrooms. No time to do stuff with me and I always swore I wouldn't be the same. My mother used to sit on her arse every evenign and watch TV when I was a kid.

OP posts:

emmanumber3 · 23/05/2011 13:06

Yep, your mum is definitely BU. By the way, did your DD get the school place she/you wanted?

When DS's were little I worked part-time for a mortgage brokers. I'd have people phoning me wanting to apply over the phone for a mortgage or re-mortgage. Now, personally, I'd think that was an important call that requires a bit of concentration but I'd regularly have people loading the dishwasher, running a bath, feeding the cat, watching TV (and therefore not listening to me) & even holding a whole seperate conversation with someone else at the same time (we didn't cold call, only phoning people who had requested a call-back). In comparison, opening a very important letter telling you what school place your child has whilst on an informal call to your mum is not unreasonable!

Maybe she has a bee in her bonnet about something else & you were just the unlucky person to take the brunt of it this morning? My (usually lovely) mum is certainly capable of that from time to time Hmm.


immortalbeloved · 23/05/2011 13:10

Viva stop justifying yourself Grin no one here thinks you're a terrible parent who ignores her dd, you're a grown up, you can mn when you want Grin

Using your dd like that is awful and there is no way I would tolerate that, but again, why does it bother you what your mum thinks? If she comes to you and says that your dd is upset about your computer time tell her to mind her own business, you don't have to explain anything to her, don't engage with it

if your dd really is upset them I'm sure she could let you know without grannies help

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