to think my mother has no right to speak to me like this?

[VivaLeBeaver]

I just rang my mum up and while on the phone to her the post came, one was an important letter telling me if DD has a school place. So I opened it while talking to her, she asked me what I was doing. I apolif=gised and explained what the letter was and that it was important. Then carried on talking and opened another letter.

My mum muttured something about how it normally anooys her people doing other stuff while on the phone and I said sorry again and pointed out that time is short and I'm off to work in an hour.

She then starts ranting at me that my time management skills are wrong and she "needs to have a talk" with me. I tell ehr that no we don't and that there's nothing wrong with my time management skills. She then starts saying that maybe I should have rung her earlier before the post came, etc, etc. Then she says that I spend too much time on the computer and not enough time doing housework.

I point out that I work 4 days a week and everything that needs doing in my house is done. We do have different levels of houseproudness. My house is a bit messy, but its clean. Food is cooked, dishwasher is done, laundry, ironing is done and hoover gets done as needed. Her house is spotless.

I tell we have different levels and that I'm happy with my house. She is now talking to me really condescending and saying its not fair on the other people in the house. I tell her if DH has a problem then he can pull his finger out his bum and do some housework.

She says thats not fair on him as he works 5 days a week and I only work 4. I point out that seeing as I'm the only person who irons, does supermarket shopping, walks the dog and does laundry then that equates to that extra day a week. She says I need to spend my one day a week off cleaning hte house from top to bottom. I think she needs to fuck off.

I'm happy with the amount of housework me and DH do between us. DH seems Ok with it apart from when I've had a mad cooking spree and he comes home to find the kitchen looks like its exploded. But it gets sorted.

I know she's going to be going on and fucking on about this for weeks now. She'll get DD on side as well because DD likes to play us off against each other and stir it. So mum will come to me saying that DD says you spends hours on the laptop.

I know I'm on MN and FB most days but I don't watch TV so this is now my relaxation time before starting work as I won't finish work till 10:00pm. So get no evening. Laundry has been done this morning, dog has been walked, pots put away, chickens fed, dishwasher is on.

[zipzap]

Work out something to say along the lines of 'well at least I am giving dd a happy childhood and not putting the housework and gardening above her like you did with me. You want to know the real reason the house is just like this - because I love my child and don't want her to have a miserable childhood like mine.'

OK so that is maybe a bit strong but you get the jist and I'm sure you'll figure out the way that you want to say things. But if she is happy to dish out 'home truths' as she sees them then she needs to be able to take them back from other people.

Or other stuff that you can throw at her like you work / she didn't or she spends hours watching tv or shopping or doing something else (or does she just clean?). or just that she cleans so much she should be seeing the doctor for OCD or something that might hit her back and make her realise that whilst she might think that you have a problem, it's a two way thing and you think that her way of doing things is a problem too.


Separately is there any way that you can get dd on side so she won't stir things with granny or will that just be adding fuel to the fire and make it worse when her granny starts talking about this with her?

[nobiggy]

Why don't you invite her round for a lovely cup of tea?

And drown her in it.

[OhBoysOhBoysOhBoys]

Are you my sister Viva? I get the exact same lecture from my mother on a weekly basis. YANBU at all, your life, your business.

[exoticfruits]

Don't get drawn in,I don't understand why people feel the need to justify.

Just say 'we are all different-it would be a dull old world if we all thought the same' and change the subject.
If she is going to keep coming back to it- say 'I have my ways of doing things, I realise they are different' and change the subject. If she really doesn't get it, say 'We will have to agree to differ, I am not discussing it'.
Don't get annoyed, speak pleasantly with a smile.

[UKSky]

Bit of both. Your Mum was wrong but so were you. I actually get really irritated if I'm on the phone to someone and they are obviously doing something else at the same time. It's telling the person you're speaking to that they don't have your full attention as you have something more important to be doing.

So, she should not have gone off into one, but it is your opening the post whilst speaking on the phone that started it.

[exoticfruits]

As soon as you explain you give them a way in! Don't expain-state facts, politely.

[YusMilady]

I think karmabeliever had it right with 'I think you'd be a lot happier if you spoke to your mother a lot less'.

You sound like you're 'in each other's pockets' OP. Can you scale things back a bit? I've got my mother very well trained, but it has taken me years of work to get there. You've got to be firm with them, consistent boundaries, all that jazz.

[MarinaIvy]

IMHO, opening post whilst on the phone is excellent time management! Sheesh...

[oldraver]

You should of put the phone down the moment she started ranting or when she said she hates it when people do other things while on the phone to her

[WhereYouLeftIt]

I think zipzap's suggestion is a good one next time she tries the not enough housework/not enough DD-time whine. And feel free to hang up on her. SSo much harder to play the martyr without an audience.

You did also mention "DD does love stirring it." That's something to stamp out now. "Now why would you be trying to encourage people to argue, DD?" (if you have glasses, peer over them ). Stop her in her tracks before she starts doing it to her friends too. And pull your mother up for encouraging her to stir, with leading questions.

YANBU, btw.

[VivaLeBeaver]

I wish I could scale things back with my mum. At the minute though I do rely on her to pick DD up from school for me a couple of times a week and take DD to the childminders. Though thankfully in July I won't need that anymore as DD has got a place in the village school so CM will be able to pick her up from school.

Mum moans at me if I haven't rung her for a week and I get a real frosty reception the next time I ring. She did suggest that I ring her every night to make sure she wasn't dead and I did knock that on the head.

Anyway she's rung while I've been at work. She knows I'm at work so is obviously afetr DH. DH can't stand her and doesn't pick the phone up to her so she didn't get to have a chat with him. However I can imagine that she'd have been trying to convince him that he thinks I don't do enough housework. I still have steam coming out my ears.

My brother stopped speaking to her for 3 years as she annoyed him so much. I kind of wish I had the balls to do the same at times.

[VivaLeBeaver]

Oh and she has a key for my house that I want back. Don't put it past her to come sneakign in to see how tidy the house is.

Does anyone rememebr the time I posted about her letting herself in while I was at wor as she was in the area and needed a poo. I'd run out of loo paper that morning and bought some on the way to work. Happy in the knowledge that it wouldn't be a problem as I would be first one home. My mum was most unimpressed about the lack of loo paper and went on about what a slattern I was to run out.

[fedupofnamechanging]

Agree you need to get your key back sharpish. July is not too far away, but tbh I'd try and make alternative arrangements now for picking up your DD from school. Your mum shouldn't be stirring things with your DD, that is totally unacceptable.

A mum should not try to get between her daughter and grand daughter and should not be ringing up her son in law to criticise her own daughter.

I really think you should stop letting her speak her mind so freely, because she has no respect for you as a grown woman and has no concept of boundaries. You don't have to explain or justify yourself to her and it's okay to tell her to butt out when she oversteps the mark.

[Nanny0gg]

But she sorts your children out for free? And I love 'thankfully I won't need her anymore...'
That's nice. She must love being so appreciated.

And I have a friend who's always faffing about when we're on the phone. All I can hear is the clatter of plates or whatever as she's doing the tea.
If you haven't got the time, say so and we'll speak later.

[saffy85]

I'd have hung up well before she got into lecture mode with a "gotta go. Loads of nothing to do. Bye".

YANBU. It's none of her business and I don't get people that think lecturing other adults gets them to do what they want you to do. It used to be a tactic adopted by my FIL. He hasn't lectured me for a while as funnily enough, I don't do what he tells me to. I assume he's now given up.

[beesimo]

You are very brave contemplating back answering your Mam mine is 75 and we still all 'jump to' DH to youngest GGC she's not called the Brigadier without reason.

I think its due to the fact she worked hard for us, never failed to be there for us all and would die for any of us that swings it.

Don't worry about upsetting your Mam as obviously she never did any of the above for you or did she?

[JanMorrow]

Arrg! She sounds like a nightmare! I would agree to the 'talk' and use it to tell her to back off, that you're an adult and you don't need her opinions. Deffo get the key back from her too!

[VivaLeBeaver]

She doesn't exactly sort my childcare for free, she picks DD up from school and drives her to the CM. For which I pay her. I do appreciate her doing this but I think I'd appreciate her more if she wasn't such a nasty cow. And yes I am thankful I won't need her anymore (for the school runs) as I don't like being reliant on her as she throws it in my face.

[fedupofnamechanging]

Viva, even if she was doing these things for free, it wouldn't mean she has a right to speak to you any way she chooses. You should be able to ask you ask your mum for help without her thinking that it's a fair trade for her to be bossy and nasty in return.

[beesimo]

I intend to 'boss' my three until the day I die!

[Animation]

YES, she was out of order!

As soon as she started, you could have said something like, "I can't talk to you when you're like this" - and hung up!

[schobe]

Am at all the sensitive flowers who are offended if they hear the person at the other end of the phone doing something else.

Doesn't everyone do this? I don't have TIME to just CHAT cosily to people fgs.

OK I wouldn't do a giant shit while talking to someone on the phone, I do draw the line somewhere.

[QuintessentialOldMoo]

YOU phoned her. Then you started opening mail. You were giving the impression you were disorganized, as you did not REALLY have time to talk to her. So you should not have phoned.

But the real reason you should not have phoned her, is that she is a bit mean, and way out of line in the way she speaks to you.