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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...not to do something for someone because I cannot be bothered and her tone irritates me...

94 replies

Punkatheart · 23/05/2011 12:11

Firstly, I know this may sound piddling in the scheme of things. It probably wouldn't irritate of bother any of you feisty healthy ladies. But...

..some time ago a complete stranger wrote to me, saying that she was a writer and her relative had lived in my house years and years ago. She told me that she wanted to come and see my home. NOT ASKED. She sounded eccentric, arrogant and pushy. I found it quite rude. So I ignored. I did check out her website and she sounded mildly batty.

Today, when I am feeling really grotty - being sick with some complications over chemo - a woman turns up. I can see her and she is loitering, tutting. I am just too poorly to go to her. House is a tip, hair unbrushed...I am not the Queen of Social today. A note through the door confirms it is this woman. Another pushy note. 'I did write to you.' etc.

Am I being annoying to her by just not telling her to go away? There are just so many days at the moment when I can't even keep up with washing the dishes. House needs decorating and I am really really struggling. This would mean having to tidy everything. To give you an idea of my exhaustion - I have to lie down sometimes after hoovering downstairs!

Opinions greatly received as I do have a nagging guilt but also that irritation.

BTW - she has just come back and rung the bell again!!

OP posts:
welliesandpyjamas · 23/05/2011 12:25

A messy house is probably far more common than you think! No need to worry about it. It does sound like it is bothering you more than the annoying mad woman outside though. Do you have a really trustworthy and kind friend who you could ask to help you start tackling the bits that annoy you the most?

TattyDevine · 23/05/2011 12:25

YANBU!!!

Do update Grin

catinthehat2 · 23/05/2011 12:27

put jacket on
go to gate
politely tell woman that you will not be allowing her into your house today or ever
Thank her for her interest and emphasise that this is should be an end to it
Also state that you will be making a note of the date of the conversation and you do not expect her to contact you in future otherwise you would intend to take further action
wish her good day
return to house.

nijinsky · 23/05/2011 12:45

How rude of her! If asking a favour like that, the least she should be is extremely polite and undemanding. I used to live in a historic country house as a child and I wouldn't dream of demanding to look round it again, as if I still had some claim on it. Even if you weren't ill, you'd be entitled out of reciprocal levels of politeness to ignore her. Best to ignore her, if she persists, phone the police and explain she is harassing you and you want to be left alone. She sounds as though she has social problems, which aren't your responsibility. Plus, if you let her in once, you might never be rid of her.

StealthPolarBear · 23/05/2011 12:48

pmsl at

tabulahrasa Mon 23-May-11 12:17:33
that should have been note obviously, but a not shouted toddlerlike through your letterbox might work equally as well

thefirstMrsDeVere · 23/05/2011 12:50

Tell her to fuck off. If she doesnt PM me and I will get a few of the girls together and I will show her the way.

Eccentric? Bollocks. Eccentric usually means self centered nightmare in my experience.

Bet she thinks she is a character too Hmm

dont feel guilty. she has no rights

UrsulaBuffay · 23/05/2011 12:53

No yanbu, what a weird thing for her to do!

cottonreels · 23/05/2011 12:55

If its just the state of the house that bothering you why not offer a favour for a favour: she gets to come and look round if she will pay and arrange a company to come and spring clean for you?!
Otherwise, speak to her through the door or upstairs window, saying you are ill and need complete rest. That way you might at least get rid of her. Sorry you're not feeling well though.

onepieceofcremeegg · 23/05/2011 12:57

I fully understand why you don't feel up to dealing with her (and tbh, even if you were in robust health you are not under any obligation to let her in anyway).

could you call a neighbour or local friend, explain the situation and ask them to have a firm, but polite word. Something along the lines that you are seriously ill and unable to come to the door and could she stop harrassing you. (or if she feels she can't then perhaps the police will have to be called, and legal advice sought)

SenoritaViva · 23/05/2011 12:58

No one has a 'right' to see around anyone else's house. Nice of her to write, but she should have asked not demanded (and if she's a writer she should bloody well know how to!)

My SIL went through chemo and so I have an idea of what you are going through, it is exhausting and so of course things are chaotic. I'd open the door and tell her that you are not up for visitors and to please stop harassing you.

Original poster
Punkatheart · 23/05/2011 13:01

You have cheered me up so much. You are the energy that I lack at the moment. I do have good days - sometimes I am not a wreck - but this weekend has been a bad 'un.

Ha I would love to try the spring clean deal but I don't think she would buy it! I do try and keep things clean it is things like hoovering, doing beds and putting away clothes that floors me. Maybe it's the boredom and sends me to sleep, not the exhaustion.

OP posts:
Mollymax · 23/05/2011 13:01

Totally ignore her.
Totally ignore the house.
I have seen more messy, untidy homes than clean ones in my line of work.
Take the time to get yourself better.
Chemo is the pits. It is exhausting.
Brew

spatchcock · 23/05/2011 13:02

How strange. Definitely don't let her in. If she's that pushy she will never leave.

Hope you feel better soon.

(I'd quite like to see her website.)

slowshow · 23/05/2011 13:04

Oh my goodness, YANBU. Whatever you do, don't be coerced into letting her in, she sounds barking and you might struggle to get her out again!

silverten · 23/05/2011 13:04

She sounds like one of those dreadful literary types who thinks that being bookish and intellectual makes them all-round-better-than-everyone-else, giving them a licence to do whatever the f*ck they want.

I wouldn't even think twice about telling her firmly to go away and leave you alone. But why bother even getting out of bed? You don't HAVE to answer the doorbell.

Don't feel guilty. Go back to bed and leave the madwoman to her muttering.

bidibidi · 23/05/2011 13:05

Ooh, I like Cottonreel's ideal.

I don't think you need to be horrible to her.
Write a polite refusal note back and post it out the upstairs window to her on the pavement? Maybe she could ask you again in a year or 2.

OTheHugeManatee · 23/05/2011 13:11

Has she gone away yet?

HeidiKat · 23/05/2011 13:12

Ignore her, she is being VVV unreasonable by turning up at a stranger's house uninvited. Personally I would be tempted to call the local police station and have them come and remove her for trespassing, you are entitled to peace in your own home.

MrSpoc · 23/05/2011 13:14

Hi Op, Where do you live, if you are in the Manchester region I would gladly come to your aid with my wife and give the house a once over.

Or better still tell the cheeky mare that you charge a hefty some for museum tours or if she would clean the house then the fee would be waived.

Good luck with the chemo.

wineisfine · 23/05/2011 13:20

God this is giving me flashbacks.

My (mentally ill though it was denied to the hilt at the time), mother drove my sister and I to Yorkshire (from London), to 'see the house where I grew up' once. Prob v early 90s.

Arrived at this house and she rang on the doorbell and told the woman who answered that she used to live there and could she have a look around. Had never heard of my mum's family of course as they'd only bought the place a year or so previously.

The woman said um, how about you look around the garden as we've changed the inside a lot (mum was craning round trying to peer in).

So mum walked around the garden while we loitered wishing the ground would swallow us. Mum wrote to the new owners (not that she knew their names), over the years and we often heard her mental version of what had happened.

Last year during her most recent psychotic break, she had my dad drive her back - saw a 'man with tattoos' 'park his horrible van outside MY HOUSE' and hurled abuse at him, rattled the metal gates he'd had installed (she also disapproved of them), stood out there swearing and yelling for hours.

Moral of the story - DON'T LET MENTALISTS IN YOUR HOUSE!

diddl · 23/05/2011 13:21

The fact that you didn´t answer her email should have told her all that she needed to know tbh.

I´d ignore or call the police saying that someone is casing your joint loitering & you don´t feel safe.

cottonreels · 23/05/2011 13:22

Was also wondering where you live and if you needed help?

diddl · 23/05/2011 13:24

Sorry, that should have been letter, not email.

And why oh why would the silly- cow-- stupid woman think the fact that relies once lived there mean that the current occupiers will want to let a stranger inConfused

TandB · 23/05/2011 13:30

If you want to relieve your feelings once she has gone, why not send her a letter along these lines:

Dear Ms Nosey
I received your letter of x date and I chose not to respond as I felt that you were rude for the following reasons. (insert reasons from her letter)

I am currently undergoing chemotherapy and do not have the time or energy to spend on non-essential matters. However, it is likely that I would have agreed to your request once I was feeling better.

Unfortunately you chose to turn up on my doorstep, loiter and push rude notes through my letter-box. You clearly have no respect for my right to quiet enjoyment of my property and I have therefore decided that there are absolutely no circumstances in which you will be admitted to my home. Please consider the matter closed and do not contact me again by any method.

It is unfortunate that you will not now have the necessary information for your writing project but since you are a writer I suggest you juse your imagination. If it helps, my house is very nice. I think you would have liked it.

Yours sincerely

wildfig · 23/05/2011 13:34

I bet she's not even a writer. I bet she's just read 'Home' by Julie Myerson (in which she investigates all the people who used to live in the house she lives in), and feels 'inspired' to go and nose around her old house.

Tell her to go home and make something up use her creative writing talents.

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