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not have sex

35 replies

dollyblue84 · 22/05/2011 22:53

aibu to still not have sex with partner 8 months after baby?

OP posts:

strawberrymewmew · 22/05/2011 22:54

I guess it depends on how you are feeling, how your relationship is otherwise and the reasons behind you not wanting to.

Need more details!


AgentZigzag · 22/05/2011 22:54

Is it him or you who doesn't want to have it?


strandedbear · 22/05/2011 22:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyOfTheManor · 22/05/2011 22:57

I waited 6 months, merely because I had a touch on PND, was breast feeding, and followed such a strict routine I literally was too tired to fit it in. I don't even have the decent excuse of tears and stitches because I had none...I was just put off and exhausted!

If it's your first baby then I understand completely, and no amount of pressure from anyone eases that up. I just bit the bullet and did it one night.


CucumberMuncher · 22/05/2011 22:58

No YANBU because it is entirely your own choice, however if you have a happy relationship you should be thinking about the reasons behind it?

I haven't had sex since my dd was born 13 months ago but that was because I had a birth injury that makes it impossible (am on waiting list for surgery).


PaperView · 22/05/2011 22:59

Depends on your reasons. I haven;t had sex for about 18 months for a number of reasons.


MagicFoxhole · 22/05/2011 23:00



dollyblue84 · 22/05/2011 23:01

i just dont feel like it at all
still breastfeeding but never got my sex drive back. before we had planned baby we were very happy and loved our sex life but since i just cant bring myself to do it and just dont want to

OP posts:

worraliberty · 22/05/2011 23:06

I think it's worth a word with the Doctor. 8 months is a long time and perhaps the longer you leave it, the less you'll want to do it.

How does your partner feel?


QuackQuackSqueak · 22/05/2011 23:08

Are you just not feeling the urge or are you scared it will hurt?


meltedchocolate · 22/05/2011 23:13

I agree you need to decide why you don't feel like it.

Your partner is entitled to sex as are you and I do think that sometimes you need to make the extra effort to satisfy your partner and vice versa - not if he is asking again for the 10th night in a row or anything daft like that, just, y'know, 8 months is a LONG time especially for him, who doesn't have the emotional/ bfing things that you do going on.


chicletteeth · 22/05/2011 23:15

You should perhaps have a chat with HV or Doctor. 8 months is a long time to abstain if you are in a happy and loving relationship.

I wanted to have sex after 3 weeks and my husband was Shock err, no dear. So anyway, we waited a few more and there you go.

Not that I'm suggesting that this is how it should be, it's just how it was for me.

But physically (unless you've got whatever cucumber has got or something else) I think that 8 months is too long


FabbyChic · 22/05/2011 23:20

You run the risk of it turning into never having it, and then not being able to get it back, by that time it may have caused irrepairable damage to your marriage.

It does happen.


meltedchocolate · 22/05/2011 23:22

I was the same Chicleteeth. 3 weeks after, was gagging for a good shag, no longer being glued to the bed like a beached whale :o

Talking to a doc is a good idea. Don't get stressed about it. Is your DH understanding?


HidinginaHardHat · 22/05/2011 23:24

YABU especially if the only reason is "just don't feel like it".

The best way to start wanting it again is to start having it again.


cannydoit · 22/05/2011 23:26

got to ask yourself why you dont want to. admit it to yourself and then have a good think about it because not having sex can be habit forming and bad for the relationship.


SeeSawSee · 23/05/2011 00:18


DW and I had sex (woohoo!) for the first time today since birth of DS, eight months ago. Pretty much same situation as OP - DW bfing and no 'reason' other than her not wanting to.

Were there tough times? Yeah. But we talked and were open and honest about it, and (probably most importantly) didn't put any pressure on getting back into it.

Worth reading this thread here for all the great advice/opinions I got on this.


ilovedora27 · 23/05/2011 06:48

Same as others on here only waited a couple of weeks but think I would of struggled for 8 months, it seems a very long time. Why dont you think you want it?


Cheeseandbiscuits · 23/05/2011 06:53

Gave birth 12 wks ago...bk on the horse last night. Good to get bk into it but whenever you feel ready I guess.

It was a bit like deep breath, here we go...!


FlubbaBubba · 23/05/2011 07:00

"Your partner is entitled to sex" - entitled ??!! WTF meltedchocolate Hmm

OP it's worth talking to your DP to see his feelings. It's hard if you're breastfeeding and tired still?

I found it hard to contemplate for a while after 1st birth because I felt shit about my changed body and didn't have a lot of self-esteem. DH also didn't seem that interested in it, which further reduced my confidence.


TattyDevine · 23/05/2011 07:27

Nobody is "entitled" to sex. Just because you are married/in a partnership does not entitle that other person.

Agree you should look into it but that comment shocked me.


HeadfirstForHalos · 23/05/2011 07:55

Nobody is entitled to sex, and a couple should not have sex if one partner doesn't want to.

However, sex is an important part of a relationship, it's not just nobs and boobs and things, it's love and intimacy. So yes 8 months is too long, YABU. I would feel rejected if dh didn't touch me for that long.


MoreBeta · 23/05/2011 08:02

You are entitled not to have sex but you are not entitled to impose celibacy on your DP. Your rights do not trump his.

The very fact that you have posted suggests you know it is an issue. Your DP may have been understanding and not pressuring you but that does not mean he is happy. He is likely very unhappy even if he is not saying anything.

You need to find out why this is happeing and find a way of resolvng it. Your DP has a right to expect that from you.


holyShmoley · 23/05/2011 08:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SeeSawSee · 23/05/2011 09:26


I think we generally need some more info from you on this. For example:

  • Have you spoken to DP about this
  • What are DPs thoughts
  • How is the rest of your relationship
  • Do you have any sexual desire (ie not just DP, but at all)
  • Is it sex that you aren't interested in, or any intimacy at all
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