not have sex

[dollyblue84]

aibu to still not have sex with partner 8 months after baby?

I didn't feel like it until 1+ yr (I was breastfeeding alot - didn't start to tail off until 15/16 months - I have a milk monster) so you are not being unreasonable. But you should keep the lines of communication open with your partner regarding it so you are both ok with it. If you are both happy it is fine.

After the birth of my eldest, DH and I didn't have sex for over a year, and if I'm honest I didn't enjoy it until well after I'd finished breastfeeding (I bf for 17months as my son had a cow mil allergy and HATED soya, it was just easier to carry on) as I still felt like I was in 'mummy mode' only, and had't found my multi-function button!

We're still happily married and everything is rather healthy in thebedroom department too. However, had it become a massive issue or caused problems with my marriage, I'd have probably found some kind of therapy either for myself (and my non existent mojo) and for us (to getthrough it).

My dh was patient, understanding and never put me under pressure, but I felt miserable that I just didn't feel like it and I couldn't understand why either, possibly I should have spoken to someone. You're not unusual, and I think for most people, things do improve.

My sex drive practically disappeared between about 3 months post-birth to a month after stopping bf when DS was about a year old. I did have sex regularly during that time but it didn't make my sexual desire reappear, only stopping bf did that. I have no idea whether YABU - I think the questions SeeSawSee has asked are important. Also I'm not sure as you've posted in AIBU and not relationships whether you want advice or just reassurance that you're not a bad person for not having sex.

"Nobody is "entitled" to sex. Just because you are married/in a partnership does not entitle that other person".

I'm guessing alot of us would feel pretty hurt and worried about our relationships if our DPs unilaterally withdrew sex for 8 months plus, so why shouldn't they? People aren't 'entitled' to sex, but they also aren't entitled to impose celibacy on their partners without working hard to get the sexual side of the relationship back on track. Having said that its not just a one way thing. If you're off sex because your DP is leaving you worn out by not pulling his weight with the baby then he needs to sort himself out.

aldiwhore x-posts with you and from what you say I think you might be like me by the way. I'm convinced it was a hormone thing and no amount of therapy could have done anything for me. My relationship with DH was still great but it's just like there was a massive break in the circuitry between my brain and body making it desperately hard to get aroused (= sex not much fun and hard work on both sides). No one really talks about that possible side effect of breastfeeding because everyone's so busy plugging the positives, IMO.

YANBU. I cannot believe how harsh the responses on here are (notwithstanding that this is AIBU!)

Your body and whole lifestyle has been through some huge changes, regardless of whether you bf or not, whether the baby sleeps like an angel or not. It is your body and your prerogative whether you have sex or not.

You don't have a duty to "service' the needs of your husband. A loving DH would perfectly understand and respect the current situation but you do need to talk to him if you haven't already.

I couldn't face sex for over a year after I had DD. I had a very traumatic birth and painful recovery and bf for 6 months. My DH talked and listened, respected what I said and waited until I was ready, when we had sex on my terms.

Only do what you are comfortable with. Forcing yourself to have sex when you don't feel like it is not healthy. By all means try to get in the mood if that is what you want but just "going through the motions" is not good for anyone.

herethereandeverywhere is right, I think - talking about it with your DH is the most important thing, and if you really don't feel like sex, 'going through the motions' is likely to make you resent him and go off sex even more (sorry for repeated posting!)

My apologies, 'entitled' was the wrong word.

I just meant that it's a natural urge and it is a bit unfair to hold back for no good reason, (Not saying OP has not got a good reason - having a baby is a pretty fair reason and PND or something like that is also a fair reason) and it would be good for the relationship to do whatever she can to get that part of the relationship back on track.

I think the most important thing is that you don't get stressed out about it. Don't feel like a freak or that you 'should' be having sex because everyone else is. I went through a phase of feeling like a weirdo and a bit less of a woman because I wasn't having sex, then when I actually had an honest conversation with some other mums I found out most of them were hardly doing it.

Everybody is different, breastfeeding really lowers some womens libido whereas it doesn't effect other people at all. As I said I can't physically have sex but I have not missed it at all (I am still breastfeeding) and I'm doubt I would have done that much even if I could.

As long as you talk it all through with your partner then I don't think you have a problem

Are you doing anything that is sexually intimate though? It doesn't have to be penetrative to be 'sex' I don't think.
I think YABU if you have not been intimate with your husband for 8 months. That is what makes the relationship with a romantic partner different...