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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be tired of the pettiness of mil?

29 replies

Imrubberyoureglue · 22/05/2011 21:11

We have never had a great relationship but now the petty behaviour is wearing thin.
Mil adored my dh's ex and hoped they would get back together but when we got together it burst that bubble. Have to point out that dh had been single for a year when we met so in no way was it my fault for the split
I smiled my way through all the refences to the ex, little digs that I wasn't looking after dh properly (I tought him to iron his own shirts etc).
I tried to get on with her for dh's sake but our visits got shorter and less frequent as the obvious tension was too much.

When I was expecting dc1 she suddenly wanted to be my best friend despite going against our wishes at every turn- eg telling extended family,fiends,neighbours etc that I was pregnant despite promising not to till after 12 wk scan, so I was wary of getting too friendly but tried for dh and dc.
4 dc later and the digs and comments are worse than ever. It's like getting a paper cut every time we go there, not much to moan about on it's own but after the 500th and it starts to sting a bit!

We get a constant stream of calls reminding us of all the birthdays in the family even though we know when they are - she knows our calendar is covered with everyones dates and that I have a box of cards for the months ahead (I hate card shopping but know the sending of cards is very political in dh's family so bulk buy in one go rather than getting 1 at a time!).
Mil is very controlling of the family and think most just do as they are told when they get the phone call reminding them about birthdays or she gets the cards and gets dh's siblings to sign them.

So my birthday was Friday and I got a card form mil and fil but none of the siblings. Well I think it was for me, only writing inside was mil and fil' name, no happy birthday or even my name!

I know it's not mil's job to remind everyone it's my birthday but given she reminds everyone when it's the dogs birthday ffs it's a snub right?!

I'm tired of the little snubs and pettiness. I'm tired of ignoring it and I'm tired of trying to rise above it for dh and dc.

Sorry, not sure what the aibu really is, just a rant I guess!

OP posts:

Bumfuzzle · 22/05/2011 21:12

Talk to your husband. Tell him how you feel. You should be a team on this. Then it makes it easier to act.

Fayrazzled · 22/05/2011 21:14

Your husband should pull his mum up on her behaviour. It's not on.

FabbyChic · 22/05/2011 21:14

When she rings next time about birthdays tell her that everybody forgot yours.

Stand up to the woman for fuck sake, don't let her shit on you, fuck what you feel you are supposed to do, do what you know is right.

Booandpops · 22/05/2011 21:16

That totally annoys me! It's my dh job to remember his family and friends occasions not mine so I do t and won't ever do it. If he forgets then the flack falls on him. He is a grown man and it's not 1950
:D
My mil is used to it now

WhoAteMySnickers · 22/05/2011 21:16

Every time she makes a dig, say, "was that a dig at me, gosh how nasty".... "ooh another one, wow you're really going for it today"... Perhaps she thinks nobody else notices these little digs, (perhaps they don't), but it may embarrass her to have them pointed out in front of everyone, enough to make her stop.

Every time she phones about a birthday, say, "yes I know, I have them written on a calendar, you don't need to call me about birthdays in future".

Original poster

Imrubberyoureglue · 22/05/2011 21:18

He knows what she's like and does say something if he spots it, but its little things that you can't really call her on iyswim?

Last week it was "oh you've had your hair done at that new place. You'll be going back to your old hairdresser next time then?"

To dh that's her taking an interest, to me and her it's saying my hair looks crap!

OP posts:

onepieceofcremeegg · 22/05/2011 21:19

Firstly it is your dh's family, so if cards are going to be sent, then it is his job not yours. :) (and if he doesn't wish to send cards, or indicates this by his behaviour i.e. not bothering/forgetting then that is his choice)

I have a mil who likes to control, sulks if doesn't get her own way etc. We now have very limited contact (dh's choice) as it is just too stressful to be around the ils. I could write a book on their behaviours!

parakeet · 22/05/2011 21:19

Sorry, your SILs and BILs didn't send you a birthday card and you are cross at your MIL?

You don't even like her so why do you care she has snubbed you?

I would find the constant phoning re birthdays v. irritating, however. Next time she does it just ask her nicely not to do it any more because you've got them all down on your calendar.

I don't even get why wives send birthday cards to their husbands' families in the first place. I do my family, he does his - I'm not his secretary.

WhoAteMySnickers · 22/05/2011 21:20

My response would have been "no, why would I?".

Bumfuzzle · 22/05/2011 21:21

""oh you've had your hair done at that new place. You'll be going back to your old hairdresser next time then?"

"Oh. Do you think they didn't do a very good job then?"

Don't let anything go. Challenge the true meaning.

hairfullofsnakes · 22/05/2011 21:24

You need to remember you are in the position of power. She is a bully so the only way to stop bullies is to stand up to them and not take their shit. Make it clear noone else sent you a card and you will also be stopping the endless card sending and remark on the card she gave you - ask her sweetely if she forgot to put your name in it? You really do need to stand up to her and show her that you won't put up with this kind of shit.

Playdohinthewashingmachine · 22/05/2011 21:27

Next time there is a birthday coming up, get in first. Phone your MIL and remind her. When she is surprised/offended, don't comment, just say "I just wanted to make sure" and change the subject. Do it every time there is a birthday. If she gets in first, wait 2 days and then phone her to remind her.

She'll either get the message, or she'll think she is going mad. If you want to be really evil, phone all the siblings and remind them of MIL's birthday - in the wrong month. It sounds like they won't know it ...

And as for the digs, don't let one slip past, ever. Every single time - "ooh, that sounded rude MIL, did you mean to be rude?".

onepieceofcremeegg · 22/05/2011 21:29

I don't think you necessarily have to "stand up to" people like this. Some people thrive on the drama/excitement of confrontations. I hate it. With my own mil I just politely ignore much of it, which she hates. We have had the odd confrontations, e.g. fil shouted at my dcs for slightly knocking a small table and was ranting and raving. I clearly stated that this was unacceptable imo and we left.

Mil I am sure would love to have a subdued "row" with me, all nasty comments etc and her then twisting it and saying I was nasty etc.

Bumfuzzle · 22/05/2011 21:33

Only problem with that, onepiece, is bullies love it when their victim is silent too. Cos they've won. They are top dog. Their victim is bending over and taking it up the arse. They can say what they like and the other person sits there, mute and just takes it. They see it as weakness. They love it. they may love a row too, but don't think for a second that they don't love the feeling they get when they bitch right in someone's face and that person remains silent.

AgentZigzag · 22/05/2011 21:35

Just to clarify OP, she rings everyone up when it's the dogs birthday, but not yours??

I've heard it all now!

And does the dog get a lot of cards can I ask?

If they do, that is one controlling person and a lot of very compliant saps family members.

I can't believe that! hahahahah

Do you just go along with rovers special day? How can you seriously contemplate that conversation?

makingdo1 · 22/05/2011 21:38

YANBU however you need to stand up to her. I dont really uphold to the whole, tell your DP and get him to sort it because its his mother....just tell her yourself, polite and firm. I did it with my MIL and as a result we now get on better.

onepieceofcremeegg · 22/05/2011 21:40

I guess each relationship/situation is different Bumfuzzle. :) More than one way to skin a cat as the saying goes.

In our case, we have really limited our contact with mil, as the constant drama and taking offence plus other behaviours was just wearing us down.

Also in some ways we have "won". Mil wants us there every week to play happy families (lol). We go maybe once a month and make very superficial chit chat. Mil is seething underneath about all of this. It frustrates her no end when she makes snidy, carpy little comments and we act as if we haven't heard, or we ignore her and turn our attentions to our dds or dns.

Pils rang today and made various accusations about us not going round/not being in touch etc. Dh didn't rise to the bait but just said mildly oh but you can always ring us! They still haven't got their own way or "won" as we didn't go round today (which is what they wanted but wouldn't actually say)

debinaboat · 22/05/2011 21:44

i agree with you onepiece,my mil would love for me to confront her on her rudeness to me too , i ignore her . but bumfuzzle,she isnt top dog here, she is the loser as my dcs are old enough to see for themselves what she is like to me and now only ever see her if and when they feel like it, and thats not nearly as often as she wants. i sat there mute and took it,and she showed herself as the bitchy woman she is ,all by herself :)

onepieceofcremeegg · 22/05/2011 21:50

debs my own dcs (oldest is 7) are quite perceptive and are starting to realise that perhaps grandma isn't always nice or happy. I deliberately go and visit the pils with dh and the dcs.

For lots of reasons. Partly because dh prefers it and we are a family unit. Partly because fil is quite volatile and there is a risk he would shout or rant at the dcs say if dh was in the loo/garden.

Also because some mils, including mine (imo) really want the dil out of the picture. They want to manipulate things so that they see their ds and the dgcs alone, with dil out of the way.

Bumfuzzle · 22/05/2011 21:52

I obviously think that such people are even more nasty and bitchy then and it's not about actual 'winning' it's about them feeling they've 'won'. Every time they stick the knife in. Every comment, Every time they 'get away' with being an out and out bitch. They feel (imo) some sense of satisfaction. joy even?

the reality of it - how others actually see them, any actual 'loss' to them as a result of their behaviour - that's not their reality. Their reality is that they bitched at you and you took it.

That's every bit as much of a joy to them as a toe to toe row. So while on one hand they may be driven nuts by their victim not responding, otoh they are enjoying the bitching without being challenged.

but - that's just my experience. my understanding of their motivations and feelings comes just from the people I have known who have been snide spiteful bitches and bastards. there are other types out there, of course, there must be. Like you say, not everyone is the same.

Jonnyfan · 22/05/2011 22:42

Haa many moons age, when I was a new Dil, Mil made it clear that it was MY job to send cards to DH's family . She even bought me a little birthday book with a flowery cover. I smiled and said I would pass it on to DH as it was up th him to deal with his family. She took the hint and never mentioned it again. I think I went up in her estimation, actually.

debinaboat · 22/05/2011 22:46

onepiece you are so right about some mils wanting dils out of the way,mine would have loved to have seen only her ds and gc.but like you i would visit with them (she hated it ,i am sure )but my dcs are now 15/18.i have put up with her attitude towards me for 20 years now and decided that enough is enough and now dont visit her. my dcs make up their own minds as to whether to go with their dad on the very rare occasion he goes to see her, but more often than not they dont go. this is all very sad for her but is all her own doing.sure as hell has made me determined to be respectful and friendly towards any dils i may have in the future.

heliumballoons · 22/05/2011 22:51

OP I don't think yabu it sounds like the end of your tether has been burnt. I agree with others though you need to start challenging her.

MIL: 'don't forget its DH brothers birthday next week'
YOU: OK thanks MIL, I'ts on the calender but I'll remind DH to sort out a card.

I'm sorry but I am just PMSL at agent

sunnydelight · 23/05/2011 00:03

Tell your DH to sort out his family, nothing to do with you. Tell MIL that as you can clearly not be trusted to remember birthdays all by yourself you have now passed that responsibility to DH and can she please phone him in future. Do what I did - get caller ID and don't take her calls

I used to be the good wife who did all the family stuff but in the end MIL pissed me off so much I stopped. She got a right land when her birthday came and there was nothing, listening to the phone call where she asked DH where her flowers and card were was priceless. I am not a heartless bitch and would never have done this if she hadn't finally driven me to distraction after 15 years but people eventually have to learn that their bad behaviour has consequences.

crje · 23/05/2011 07:38

Thats my story too sunnydelight,Id done it for years,was so fed up of her behaviour so I just stopped......
I was given a christmas card list from mil the firsy yr we were married,for years I sent cards to her friends-some id never even met.
It is a control thing for sure,id stop playing the game,ask dh does it matter to him who gets cards,tell him your tired of the card war and you'd like to start your own traditions.

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