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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to cry?

28 replies

chelstonmum · 22/05/2011 18:07

Background: DS 8 and DD 6 have not seen bio father properly in almost 6yrs. He has taken me and DH (the man they call daddy and who brings them up)to court 3 times, each time weekly supervised access granted as he is not well known by kids etc. Each time he lasted a maximum of 3 visits. The 2hrs he was alloted he turned up late (an hr on one occasion) and left early. One visit he was there for a whole 18min!

Last visit was in 2007. He pays no maintenance, never has sent a birthday or xmas card etc.

I am 6mths pg with DC3 and he has emailed saying he has a right to access, that I must have known he would be back, the kids deserve to know the truth etc, not just what I tell them.

If I told the kids what he was really like they would be scared. He has been to prison for racial assault and other assault charges. Banned from driving for use of drink and drugs and used to hit me, spend all income and have me and kids go without. Vanish for days and my personal fave... slept with a prostitute when I was pg with DS resulting in giving me an sti!

When he left he thretened to take kids for the day and either keep them or drive off a bridge.

My kids are lovely well rounded and charming individuals. They both thrive at school, live in a nice, clean and stable home with two parents who adore them.

How can this be happening????? Help.

OP posts:
manicbmc · 22/05/2011 18:09

Write all this down. They will only grant supervised access by the sound of things due to his past. Then hope he lasts his usual 3 visits and doesn't bother again for 4 years.

zukiecat · 22/05/2011 18:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
chelstonmum · 22/05/2011 18:14

I just hate the idea the their world gets turned upside down again for such a small time. We now live a distance away (500miles for work reasons). How would this work?

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 22/05/2011 18:19

From what you say of his past, he's unlikely to travel the 500 miles to see your DC. He's just threatening and abusing you because he's a fuckwit.

Get some proper legal advice, though.

fedupofnamechanging · 22/05/2011 18:43

Agree that you need proper legal help. I'd not let this tosser anywhere near my DC. I also think that if you've been given access on 3 separate occasions and not bothered to form a proper relationship with your DC, then you no longer deserve another chance.

Can you go to court to get his parental rights terminated?

Failing that start making noises about maintenance if he pursues this.

Original poster
chelstonmum · 22/05/2011 20:09

Thanks. I have told him to write to my lawyer as im not willing to communicate unless it is formal. I did mention that he would pass the details to child support services too (I don't want a penny but im hoping it puts him off).

I will phone the lawyer and pre-warn him tomorrow, all this happened on Friday night.

It is just so frustrating. I am trying to find out when the kids can say no by themselves, no luck with details as yet.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 22/05/2011 20:17

The Children Act 1989 explaines it. There wishes ,wants and feelings are usually considered from the age of around 10. If you block access the children will be spoken to by a experienced SW. For instance if a child says thjat they want to visit with a parent because they can stay up late and miss school then that will not be taken into account but what is going on, parental lack of care, will. If the children show that thy have valid reason to not see their bio dad then this will be listened to but PR cannot be terminated under this circumstance.

Birdsgottafly · 22/05/2011 20:20

I would keep all communication formal because of his lack of commitment, make the school aware what is possibly going to happen, the court will request a school report anyway, so they will know something. He may not be granted more than once a week. Do you have a local contact centre and can you travel?. TBH you didn't have to wait around for an hour last time and you have shown willing, he is the problem.

FabbyChic · 22/05/2011 20:22

Id change your email address so that the only way he can contact you is via a solicitor.

Birdsgottafly · 22/05/2011 20:24

Make sure that you keep all correspondence from him and a copy of your reply.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/05/2011 20:25

I don't know much about this, OP, but is there any way you can seek supervised visitation so that it's on a more formal footing?

Birdsgottafly · 22/05/2011 20:29

It will be done via a contact centre because of the breakdown of contact being the bio dad not the OP, if the OP requests it, also ponit out that his motive is one of potential damage to the DC's, he seems to have a score to settle because of the pregnancy. This will ensure that the meeting is monitored.

Birdsgottafly · 22/05/2011 20:32

It may be considered not his fault if the four years include a sizable prison sentance and bail conditions but he could of wrote, unless he is claiming that he did write.

Cocoflower · 22/05/2011 20:34

Here's what I know about the family courts:

They could not care less about any of this
I told the kids what he was really like they would be scared. He has been to prison for racial assault and other assault charges. Banned from driving for use of drink and drugs and used to hit me, spend all income and have me and kids go without. Vanish for days and my personal fave... slept with a prostitute when I was pg with DS resulting in giving me an sti!

However they will care about this:
When he left he thretened to take kids for the day and either keep them or drive off a bridge.

Do you have any proof he has said this? Is it written in an email for instance?

Birdsgottafly · 22/05/2011 20:40

Op the court will want to know that he is addiction free, all of this will take time so keep it formal. Four years is along time to not have contact the court may even put it on hold until the children can make the decision wether they want to meet him (usually betwen 12-14).

Original poster
chelstonmum · 22/05/2011 20:47

Birdsgottafly: You may have a point. Last try for contace was 6weeks before my wedding. I have no idea length of sentance, but im sure it was under 1yr. He has been out long enough to have a 2.5yr old and a 9mth old with his latest fiance, the relationships seem to last until he is uncovered for his true self.

Cocoflower: It was said in a text, I have the sim card stored away just incase.

Im just hoping he is too lazy to come such a distance for contact as im sur e I cant be made to take the kids to him.

OP posts:
Cocoflower · 22/05/2011 20:50

Cocoflower: It was said in a text, I have the sim card stored away just incase

I am surprised he would be that stupid, but this is brilliant news for you. You must keep that sim safe as possible as that piece of evidence is enough to seriously keep him away for good. A court would have to take any perceived threat to the childs well-being very seriously.

(btw not a legal professional but dealth with all the same issues you had)

Birdsgottafly · 22/05/2011 20:52

He will have to travel, in some cases they sometimes try to organise a middle meeting point but you will either be heavily pregnant or have a LO. Keep the sim. Is he still in that relationship? He may go to the solisitor with the 'changed family man' line. While the court have to facilitate contact, it has to be in the childs best interests. So there are no definites.

Birdsgottafly · 22/05/2011 20:53

He won't be given unsupervised access.

Original poster
chelstonmum · 22/05/2011 20:58

Thanks.

Cocoflower: He is not the brightest, more nasty than intelligent.

Birdsgottafly: He is still in the relationship but not the one before where he has left another child!

OP posts:
Cocoflower · 22/05/2011 20:58

By the way one thing I would advise more strongly than anything:

Do your absolute best to avoid going to court

You must, must try and do everything through solictors via letters only.

The reason is this:

If the solicitors come to a formal agreement mutally acceptable then you can avoid an actual court order.

If you get a court order this will be much harder becuase what I find the sickest thing about family law is this man can do whatever he wants and not turn up etc

But if you break it you risk going to prison for breaking a a court order

You do not want that hanging over you so do not jump straight to court

Birdsgottafly · 22/05/2011 21:03

How was the contact decided last time?

Original poster
chelstonmum · 22/05/2011 21:11

The previous three time we have went to court he was given the same access each time, 2hrs supervised in my home. He would not agree through solicitor as he wanted kids on his terms as and when.

I hate the system, three cours meetings, three different judges and no acknowledgement of his failings.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 22/05/2011 21:21

The onus in the court has to be on the best interests of the child and having a relationship with the non res parent is part of that but your situation must now be very different. They cannot say that contact should happen in your home because the rights of your new baby has to be considered. It would have to be a contact centre. He will not be given unsupervised access because of the length of time.

It looks like you may have to go to court but they will now take into account him breaking contact and how settled the children are.

microserf · 22/05/2011 21:48

"When he left he thretened to take kids for the day and either keep them or drive off a bridge. "

Did this get reported to SS and the police, but they still gave him supervised access? Not to scare you, but this shocked the hell out of me.

Please see a solicitor as soon as you can. No offence, but your ex sound dangerous. Seems to be a repeat pattern though, and it may be more about unsettling you than anything to do with the kids - he sounds a right piece of work.