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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think it odd that a relative stranger left her 3 year old DS here for 2 hours?

46 replies

ilikeyoursleeves · 22/05/2011 12:17

I asked DS's friend from nursery over for a playdate this week, I have only ever said hello to him at nursery (if I see him) and met him and his mum once at another childs party a while back. I thought it would be nice to invite him over to our house to play with DS, and also to get to know the mum, so I got the mums number and she brought him over. But then she immediately left so she could go home to do housework etc and even though she and the boy barely knew me, he ended up here for 2 hours! Luckily he and DS get on well and he was fine away from his mum so there were no problems there. I just thought that it was pretty trusting of the mum to just leave him and also it felt a little like I was babysitting IYKWIM? I also thought it would be nice to get to know a local mum a bit more but she had left...

It was our first 'playdate' with a boy from nursery so maybe that's what they are like? Is it usual for 3 year olds to be left on their own? or AIBU?

OP posts:

BadRoly · 22/05/2011 12:20

I don't know, that is the arrangement I have with one of dd2's friends. I offered when the friend's mum had a new baby. I thought I was helping out but didn't/don't really know the family. It is now fairly reciprocal. Although dd2 was almost 4 when it started.

motherinferior · 22/05/2011 12:21

She presumably thought it was a playdate for her son. It's unusual for three year olds IME, but gets more like this later on. When parents stayed for reception age children I was most put out, I must say.

FabbyChic · 22/05/2011 12:21

I wouldn't have left a three year old at someones house I didn't know, I'd have stayed for a chat and a coffee and left an hour later with my child.

Weirdness, maybe it is what she does.

MilkandWine · 22/05/2011 12:21

You are being totally reasonable. I can't believe his mother just dropped him off and left him for 2 hours. Does she not understand the difference between the words 'Playdate' and 'Babysitter'?

She was totally out of order, did you say anything when she came back? I certainly wouldn't be inviting the little boy round again. It is not your job to provide free child care to a woman you don't even know. I honestly can't even imagine what she was thinking!

CristinaTheAstonishing · 22/05/2011 12:22

Yes, usual if the child is fine with it. You had her number to ring if the child got upset.

Why wouldn't she trust you?

I thought playdates are about some time off, not making chit chat :) It's about children enjoying themselves together rather than empire building/making friends for the mum.

CointreauVersial · 22/05/2011 12:22

It's a tough one to answer. I think 3+ is about the age when playdates start to be parent-less, but it depends on the child and the parent. DD2 started full-time school when she was just a few days past her 4th birthday, and she had definitely been round to a few friend's houses unaccompanied by then.

So not odd, but it's a shame the mum didn't want to hang around for a cup of tea.

catsareevil · 22/05/2011 12:22

I dont think it was unreasonable of her to leave the boy with you, you had invited him round, so I think you would be unreasonable to consider it babysitting.

Does the other mum have older children?

Nancy66 · 22/05/2011 12:23

I can't see anything wrong with that at all....

ScarletOHaHa · 22/05/2011 12:24

I agree it is odd for her not to hand around for a while. 3 is quite young but the child was clearly happy. I would rather have playdates without parents.

SummerRain · 22/05/2011 12:24

Fairly normal at that age tbh. 3 is old enough to play without mommy in attendance.

If you'd wanted her to stay you should have asked her round for coffee, not invited her ds over. She probably assumed you didn't want her hanging around (I know I quite often prefer to have just the child so I can get on with things rather than having to entertain a mother for hours and lose a whole day)

CointreauVersial · 22/05/2011 12:24

MilkandWine - how is it babysitting? If my son goes next door to play for a couple of hours I don't consider I'm taking advantage. If he was there from dawn til dusk every day, then maybe!

RitaMorgan · 22/05/2011 12:25

3/4 year olds I think it depends on the parent and child whether the parent stays or not.

From 4/5 I wouldn't expect a parent to stay.

Maybe you weren't clear that you were inviting the mother round for a coffee too, and she assumed it was just a playdate for the children?

BadRoly · 22/05/2011 12:25

Catsareevil - I think that is a very valid point - I neverthought it odd because I have older children and they no longer have "accompanied" playdates - I had forgotten.

I think it depends what you want from the playdate - someone for your son to play with or a friend for yourself? But otherwise if everyone is happy with the set up then go with it :)

motherinferior · 22/05/2011 12:27

If you want to be friends with her too, I find the offer of a glass of wine on collection never offends .

stickytoffeepud · 22/05/2011 12:28

why didnt you say come round for coffee and bring fred with you and they can have a play

FootprintsOnTheMoon · 22/05/2011 12:28

If her son was OK with it, it is OK.

Some people prefer not to have an observer when they're entertaining kids. They feel inhibited with regards to setting down ground rules, playing games etc. So she might have not wanted to crowd you /impose on you. A 3 year old takes less room and head space that a 33 year old ime.

squeakytoy · 22/05/2011 12:30

I cant see anything wrong with it. You invited her child round to play with your child. You didnt invite "her".

80sMum · 22/05/2011 12:32

That was the norm when mine were young. It was seen as a chance for some respite - and was usually done on a reciprocal basis. However, I don't think I would have left my child(ren) with someone I barely knew.

If you specifically wanted the child's mum to stay, you should have asked her to come round for a coffee etc (bringing the child), not asked if the child could come. As you asked only the child, the mother presumably assumed your invitation didn't extend to her.

Zipitydoda · 22/05/2011 12:33

Most playdates my DS age 3 1/2 has are unaccompanied now. He has been at the nursery since he was 2 1/2. I know the parents enough to feel fine about him going back with them and their child with me - chat to before pickup etc. He is DS2 not PFB so maybe that is the difference but I think I did the same with DS1. We also do rotas for things like football club which a few of the boys go to when 1 parent takes them home, gives them lunch and takes and collects them from football and drops them home giving the other mums a break.

redskyatnight · 22/05/2011 12:34

When DD was 3 (and at preschool) she had 2 sorts of playdates

ones where I knew the mum well and stayed as well as it was as much for the adults as the children

ones where the inviting child was a friend of DD, but I didn't really know the mum. In the second case the norm would be to drop my child off and not stay beyond maybe a quick cup of tea. Though granted I wouldn't have sent DD on one of these if I'd not been confident she was fine to be left. Other parents followed the same pattern when I invited their children round so I don't think this was particularly odd. (though thinking about it, most of DD's friends have older siblings so maybe their parents are more relaxed).

Original poster

ilikeyoursleeves · 22/05/2011 12:40

Thanks for the quick replies, yes I invited the boy to come over to play so maybe the mum assumed she could just go. Tbh I didn't mind at all that she went, I think it was more the fact that she barely knows me that I thought it was very trusting if not unusual that age left here son here on his own, maybe I am being too pfb ish about it? Glad she felt she could trust me though. Maybe next time I'll see if she wants a coffee too

OP posts:

motherinferior · 22/05/2011 12:43

I don't think you're necessarily being pfbish - just that this is a new stage. I'm sure she'd enjoy a coffee (or glass of wine). Enjoy!

worraliberty · 22/05/2011 12:44

I wouldn't have left a 3yr old like that even if you did have my phone number. Equally, if I didn't fancy drinking coffee with a stranger I would have politely declined the invitation.

When my kids were little, it was amazing how many parents would drop their kids off at a party and then just go without leaving a phone number in case anything happened...some parents are just too lax

lisad123isasnuttyasaboxoffrogs · 22/05/2011 12:49

I wouldnt personally do it, but do leave dd2 with people i do know on a "playdate" type thing if they have made it clear I dont need to stay.
Im maybe too PFB but wont let my girls go to strangers houses.

motherinferior · 22/05/2011 12:51

Well, they're going to be going to 'strangers' houses' in the next few years, I have to say. After the age of about six, they start sorting out their own friendships, which means handing them over to those friends' houses to play and/or having those friends back. Without necessarily vetting the parents.

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