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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's ok to speak to children and for them to reply?

55 replies

katkouta · 21/05/2011 20:33

Was in Boots today looking at things and there was a little girl behind me in a buggy with her Mum who was also browsing the same aisle, she looked to be about 4 and was happily singing her alphabet. When she had finished I told her how lovely her singing was and she was very clever at remembering it all..She scowled at me and told me I was naughty! Her Mum told me it's because I was a stranger ! As they walked off the mother told her daughter not to be rude, instead just not to answer!!
I'm all for explaining the dangers of strangers to children, but I found this a bit OTT.
What do you think?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 21/05/2011 20:37

It sounds to me like mum has been teaching her about stranger danger and has said "if someone you don't know tries to talk to you tell them they are naughty and move away from them" type message which is a good message to give really and it must be hard for children that age to understand that some strangers are ok to talk to and others aren't.

I think perhaps the mum could have handled it a bit better but I dont think she was being unreasonable.

Goblinchild · 21/05/2011 20:38

I think it's a shame that she won't speak to you when she's with a parent.

Original poster
katkouta · 21/05/2011 20:39

I understand that, but surely she should explain its ok to talk when she is around. To tell her not to reply to anyone is a bit severe. DS1 happliy chats with people when I am around, I would be quite embarrassed if he were to ignore everyone who spoke to him.

OP posts:
PeppaPigHonk · 21/05/2011 20:40

Another neurotic mother. Loads of 'em about, sadly!

thisisyesterday · 21/05/2011 20:40

agree with Sirzy.... ds1 really struggled with the whole strnager danger thiing when they did it at school, and can't understand why I tell him to be polite and answer peoiple and school are telling him not to talk to people he doesn't know!

ChippingIn · 21/05/2011 20:40

Bonkers.

Madness to teach your children not to speak to strangers when you are with them! I'm not all for 'stranger danger' anyway, but at 4 they should know they can talk to strangers if you are with them. If children who are with me don't speak when they are spoken to they get told off, I find it incredibly rude.

SummerRain · 21/05/2011 20:41

I've always told my children to speak to other adults when I'm there but not to talk to stangers if there's no adult they know present.

Much clearer message and far less rude.

thisisyesterday · 21/05/2011 20:44

how do you know the mother has told her not to talk to anyone at all?/

they may have been talking about it earlier, then the dd responded like that to you, and then as you well know the mother told her it's ok to answer people... she said that as she walked off.

i realy fail to see the issue here

Laquitar · 21/05/2011 20:54

Tbh i dont understand the talk about strangers to very small children. You are not going to let a 4 yr old to go alone in the town centre anyway. So why talk to them about strangers and danger? Unless it is very different outside london Confused i.e you let 4 yrs old to play in the street.

A1980 · 21/05/2011 21:46

It was quite rude of them. It's a bit weird to teach her absolutes i.e. never talk to anyone especially at 4. The "don't talk to strangers" message needs to be hammered home when children start gonig to school alone so may be about 10 in preparation for secondary school. But 4 is a bit young. Where does a four year go alone?

It reminds me of another overkill incident about a year ago. I was cycling along the river path and at one point it ends and joins a road. Not a busy road but the odd car. There were two boys about 3 and 5 on mini scooters and the paretns walking MILES behind them. They let them scoot way off in the distance. The older boy stopped at end of the bike path, the youngest did not and kept going towards the road. There was also a car coming. I was cycling very near to the children and the parents wouldn't have made it in time even if they ran. Both parents began screaming for the child to stop. He got off his scooter and turned around to look at his paretns but he stayed in the road. I nearly had a heart attack, got off my bike, dropped it where it stood and hauled the kid off the road and back onto the path. I just lifted him up and put him straight back down on the path and got his scooter next. The car saw me and had stopped. The little boy wasn't best pleased ith me, fair enough he's a young child and what child would like being picked up by an utter stranger. But the mum and dad were really funny with me. Scowled at me and stormed over to drag him away from me. Not even a thank you. There was a real risk that car wouldn't have seen him. Oh well, people are funny with their precious darlings and wouldn't deign to have anyone come near them.

glittercheeks · 21/05/2011 21:51

Laquiter - my DS is 4 next month and starts school this sept, I feel its right to discuss stranger danger with him for this reason, not because he is out playing on the street!

worraliberty · 21/05/2011 21:54

Idiot Mother.

It's such a shame to ruin a child's natural friendliness like that.

A1980 · 21/05/2011 21:54

Fair enough glittercheeks but your DS's teacher will be a stranger too Grin Should he not talk to her? The message needs to be taught but doesn't need to be absolute. It's ok if mummy is with you or something, I don't know.

glittercheeks · 21/05/2011 21:59

Of course, I would never do what has been mentioned in OP's post! I love it when my DC talk to other people, it shows them off! I'm just saying that I think it is something that needs to be considered when DC are going to school but I do think it needs to be done very carefully, but my reasons for this is I don't want my poor DC being scared witless!

emsyj · 21/05/2011 22:04

I would have thought 4 was a bit young for the 'stranger danger' talk - surely a 4 year old will be under constant adult supervision anyway?? Confused So YANBU I think.

sleepingsowell · 21/05/2011 22:05

I think stranger danger talks at school for my DS came at about age 6/7

Four is too young I would say because no 4 year old is going places alone. It's such a shame to make them feel they can't converse with other people. It's coming at it from the wrong point of view totally imo; it's up to the parents to supervise/protect at this age; then when they are getting a little more independent and more likely to be left places without parents (Eg parties, clubs) they need to be given an understanding of 'stranger danger' to take a part in protecting themselves.

My Ds had some lovely chats with strangers at 3 and 4 years old, I would be sad to think some kids would be too scared to.

Also I sometimes wonder if we focus too much on stranger danger. Far more kids are harmed and abused at home than by strangers. Think it should go alongside a programme of telling kids what is and isn't ok for families to do and that they can TELL if they are not happy. However that's another thread entirely.

bilblio · 21/05/2011 22:06

Why was the Mum being an idiot? She told the child not to be rude and to answer nicely. It could be that the child is just learning about stranger danger and so is taking things to extremes.

My DD is 3, she's learning about the Police, Doctors, Fire Brigade at school. I've phoned the Doctors a few times in the past few days, every time DD has told me to phone 999... to the extent that I've started keeping the phone out of her reach ... just in case. Every time I explain that 999 is for emergencies only but it's not sunk in yet.

ashamedandconfused · 21/05/2011 22:11

Hmm i can't make me mind up on this one. Its very hard to impress upon a small child what a "stranger" means and of course you do not want them scared. But strangers can be nice ladies in supermarkets who compliment you on your singing/pretty hair/nice shoes etc just as they can be stereotypical pervy blokes hanging round parks.

i can remember being a bit cross when people would always ask my DD1 questions about DD2 - cashiers and the like - ooo is that your baby sister, whats her name, how old are you , you're mummys big helper arent you etc etc etc

i know they were only being friendly,i would give her the chance to reply then reply for her if she didnt. I guess their cue comes from whether I talk to the person

TheSydenhamSet · 21/05/2011 22:12

i'm more concerned about a 4 year old being in a buggy LOL

but seriously, that mother's bonkers. I think it's lovely that 'strangers' like to chat to my children. all contributes to raising children as members of a community.

activate · 21/05/2011 22:12

Oh FGS it's not rocket science is it.

A stranger is a friend you don't know yet

Say hello, goodbye and be polite to strangers. Smile at them.

Do not ever go anywhere with a stranger, do not ever accept anything from a stranger unless your parent / teacher / adult says its ok and if a stranger ever makes you feel uncomfortable or asks you to do something you don't want to you are allowed to say no / run away and find someone you know or can trust and tell them.

beesimo · 21/05/2011 22:13

glittercheeks

'I don't want my DC scared witless' what a sensible Mam you are I honestly believe a lot of the bairns called SN ect nowadays are in fact simply unable to relate to people because they have not been allowed to develop normally.

They spend far to long indoors and aren't allowed to mix then when they go to nursery/school they can't cope.

ashamedandconfused · 21/05/2011 22:16

oh and SOME folks DO let 4 yo and younger wander about unsupervised, but I bet they are not the same ones who are big on stranger danger

when we moved into our current house, we had a family of 3 little ones age 5,4,3, all talking to us, snooping round the lorry, following the removal men, wanting to come IN the house and see our baby etc etc - no parent once came out to see what they were doing. they lived 4 doors away. these kids would play out all summr long, only getting yelled at for mealtimes, and could fall off their bikes and be screaming for ages before an adult appeared to see if they wee Ok

ashamedandconfused · 21/05/2011 22:17

were

sleepingsowell · 21/05/2011 22:19

great post, activate.

When did it go from "don't take sweets/get in cars with strangers" to "don't talk to ANYONE"??!!!

A1980 · 21/05/2011 22:23

I think a few of you have misread the OP. The mother in the scenario did not tell her DD to answer nicely. The OP said.

As they walked off the mother told her daughter not to be rude, instead just not to answer!!

The mother is telling her DD to just ignore people even though the OP was very kind and friendly to her.

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