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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's ok to speak to children and for them to reply?

55 replies

katkouta · 21/05/2011 20:33

Was in Boots today looking at things and there was a little girl behind me in a buggy with her Mum who was also browsing the same aisle, she looked to be about 4 and was happily singing her alphabet. When she had finished I told her how lovely her singing was and she was very clever at remembering it all..She scowled at me and told me I was naughty! Her Mum told me it's because I was a stranger ! As they walked off the mother told her daughter not to be rude, instead just not to answer!!
I'm all for explaining the dangers of strangers to children, but I found this a bit OTT.
What do you think?

OP posts:

bilblio · 21/05/2011 22:23

TheSydenhamSet "i'm more concerned about a 4 year old being in a buggy LOL"
I thought that too... but that's an entirely different thread... or it could be that the child was actually younger than 4 and so may have less understanding of being polite to strangers.

Original poster

katkouta · 21/05/2011 22:26

thisisyesterday my point is that as they were walking off she said to her DD " just don't answer" , that to me implies she has been told not to speak to anyone, even in her presence, either way it's not teaching her good manners is it?

OP posts:

bilblio · 21/05/2011 22:27

A1980 and OP apologies... I missed the not. In that case YADNBU!

I'm now gobsmacked that any parent would tell their child this.

Original poster

katkouta · 21/05/2011 22:27

xposts A1980 :)

OP posts:

hester · 21/05/2011 22:28

My dd is 5. A couple of years ago she zoomed away from me on her scooter, got out of the park, down the high street (4 lanes of traffic) and across the road. The worst 20 minutes of my life.

She was picked up by a nanny, who took a while to work out how to get her back to me because my dd refused to talk to her. Turns out she'd had a stranger danger talk at pre-school, without my knowledge.

At the time I was too submerged in guilt and self-loathing to think about this, but afterwards I was a bit fed up. Seems to me that, at age 3, my daughter was far more at risk of a speeding car than a paedophile, and I would rather take my chances of talking to any passing adult than continuing to speed off alone on her scooter.

Original poster

katkouta · 21/05/2011 22:29

and thank goodness you were there for scooter boy A1980!

OP posts:

BalloonSlayer · 21/05/2011 22:32

What do these people tell their children to do if they get lost FGS?

Just wander around not speaking to anyone until they are found by someone they know or die of exposure or starvation?

I am all in favour of warning children that there are "some funny people out there" but they do need to know that if they are lost it's OK to approach someone for help. (FWIW I tell my DCs that their first choice would be a woman with children, or someone behind the counter in a shop, probably insulting to some, but hey.)

greenrock · 21/05/2011 22:39

Is stranger danger still used? I haven't heard it mentioned for a long time. My DS has always been so friendly and chatty and I think telling him about stranger danger would have frightened him and somehow taken away his innocence.

I have always told him that he must never go off with someone without first telling the person who is looking after him though.

A1980 · 21/05/2011 22:41

and thank goodness you were there for scooter boy A1980!

His parents didn't seem pleased. I wonder if they'd prefered it if he'd have been hit by a car rather than picked up by a stranger.

nzshar · 21/05/2011 22:46

I have only just started to mention to DS (7) about stranger danger. He is never and has never been anywhere without an adult that he knows. A child of 3/4/5 can not grasp the concept of stranger danger IMHO.

As for the case of getting lost I always told DS to ask for help form an adult chances are that 99.9999% of the time they will not be a peodo FGS

animula · 21/05/2011 22:48

Equally, though, isn't it OK for children to choose not to answer?

I have to admit, I'm of the "chatty" persuasion myself (to the extent that my son cringes when we go off together, and I start chirruping in an inane way with a "friend I don't know yet." And I'm often a bit saddened when my small efforts at random conversation are rebuffed.

But it's all a learning experience, isn't it? Which strangers you chat to, which you don't; winning conversational gambits and social non-sequitors; how to politely rebuff the verbal intrusions you haven't solicited - they're all hard to learn skills.

So not totally down to being "paranoid mum" (or not), surely?

SmethwickBelle · 21/05/2011 22:52

YANBU I'd have thanked you, engaged in a bit of chit chat and prompted my child to respond - not least to say thank you too for being kind. I'd have been chuffed to have someone else complementing my child.

You weren't doing anything wrong, stranger danger doesn't preclude polite conversation.

Original poster

katkouta · 21/05/2011 23:25

Of course animula, but it didnt seem to be her choice, more her mother's influence.

OP posts:

animula · 21/05/2011 23:37

Maybe her daughter was a sociopath-in-training: she's never, ever nice to people, and is already, at the age of 4, developing a taste for causing complete strangers feelings of hurt and disappointment with subtle (and not so subtle) acts of random social hostility. (I have a grown-up neighbour, "The Toxic Troll", like this.)

Her mother deals with the social awkwardness brought into being by this activity by coming up with "explanations", like "I've been teaching her about strangers".

But in reality, her daughter just hated you, for no reason.

Sorry - Weak attempt to raise a laugh on a slow Saturday evening.

Returning to what an earlier OP asked - do people still do the "Strange Danger" thing? This thread has made me realise that I really haven't, and that's partly because of all the "The Real Danger Is Often From People You Know" message that was drummed into me growing up.

So I'm now also wondering if that's true for other people. ??

lisad123isasnuttyasaboxoffrogs · 21/05/2011 23:48

it drives me nuts, your children are more likely to be abused by someone they know, 97% of abuse is someone known to the family!
Your better teaching them about, good and bad sercrets, whos allowed to touch your private parts, and trusting your "gut feelings".

colditz · 21/05/2011 23:56

It could very well be that the child was in a foul mood and the mother was embarrassed and made something up to cover her shame at th girl's behavior.

Ds2, when he was three or four, was told what a beautiful little girl he was by a rather nice middle aged lady. He held up his 'pet' toy dog, scowled and snapped "My dog hates you!"

I shuffled off and said "sorry, he's tired, you know what toddlers are like" (He was very short for age)

not proud, btw

animula · 22/05/2011 00:03

@ lisadnuttyasaboxoffrogs. Yes, I think those are the sorts of conversations I'm used to.

colditz - I laughed at the "My dog hates you".

Is it very wrong to really, really want to be the eccentric older lady who has a small, stuffed toy, and says that to people who are rude? I think it might improve my mood, when I'm driving for example, enormously.

Original poster

katkouta · 22/05/2011 08:54

animula not at all I think a puppet would do a great job (punch and Judy style!)

OP posts:

lesley33 · 22/05/2011 09:51

Children need to know how to ask for help - if they are lost for example after wandering away from you. I also told my children to ask shop staff behind counters or a woman. I also worry that a child brought up with too much stranger danger warnings could grow up timid and frightened of others.

I accept this wouldn't be the case for all children, but for a more naturally timid child this could have a really negative effect on them.

Years ago I got involved in a voluntary befriending scheme providing respite to parents with SEN children. One boy I looked after at 8-10 years old didn't looked disabled at all, but had moderate learning difficulties. He would talk to absolutely anyone always in a very friendly chatty way e.g. to a woman we were walking by on the street "Your baby is really cute!"

People would always be a bit surprised as his behaviour seemed slightly off key for a child his age,but almost everyone would chat away to him. Neither I or his parents ever did the stranger danger bit. He could never have been unsupervised as he had absolutely no sense of danger at all. To tell him not tospeak to strangers would simply have taken away one of the obvious sources of enjoyment in his life.

MumblingRagDoll · 22/05/2011 09:54

I have sometimes spoken to kids and their Mums have looked all at me..I'm a normal looking Mum of 37 ffs! What do they want??? That we should all go about ignoring each other?

I have spoken to my own DDs about strangers....but in context....they're nevr alone wthout me....so m warnings tend to be about how their bodies are private and nobody is allowed to look or touch certain area....and also about how they are nt to answer the door.

MumblingRagDoll · 22/05/2011 10:04

lisad ou hit the nal on the head....my preparations with my DC are more bout giving them the confidence to trust their instincts and to say no to adults if their privacy is even invaded. God forbid.

pigletmania · 22/05/2011 10:21

Well the girl is only 4 and is still too young to make judgements about people, and whether they are good or bad. The mum could have handled it better and told the little girl that its ok to talk to strangers when mum is there with you.

pigletmania · 22/05/2011 10:24

chippingin not all 4 year olds are at the same level in terms of understanding and cognitive development, some children of that age might understand that its ok to talk to strangers when the parent is with them, but others might struggle with the concept.

fluffles · 22/05/2011 10:25

"the mother told her daughter not to be rude, instead just not to answer!!"

the mother did NOT tell the child it was ok to answer, she told her off for telling the OP she was naughty but still re-inforced the 'don't answer' message.

pigletmania · 22/05/2011 10:30

The mum was not teaching the daughter the right way either, she should have said to her little girl that its ok to talk to that lady as I am with you

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