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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to say something to my mil?

31 replies

redandyellowandpinkandgreen · 21/05/2011 20:08

I am trying not to do a mil-bashing thread so I start by saying that she is lovely and I am very lucky to have interested and caring in laws so near by.

However, she is one of those people who delight in the idea of feeding babies fatty and sugary shit. She keeps telling me to give DS (6 months) various crap, including tea in a bottle, ice cream (it would be nice on his gums apparently), honey in his porridge, chocolate etc. I'm not sure she really listens when I say he is only eating vegetables and fruit really at the moment. She has also said to him that everything I am feeding him is boring and when he comes to there house he can have lots of chocolate and cakes. I have done a lot of biting my tongue as I am still in charge and she can't exactly give him a bar of chocolate with me around to stop her. She did attempt to give him tea but I whisked him away before she could and I'm not sure she really would have done it or was just playing .

Oh and she did shove a gravy soaked carrot in to his mouth but I said nothing as I hate confrontation and am a wimp I thought he would only get a teeny bit of it anyway before spitting it out.

She has bought him a sippy cup which I'm not keen on as it's a valved one but I haven't said anything again as I reckon it's not worth it as he'll only have it at their house with a bit of water in so it's not like it will be in regular use. Today she went and fetched the sippy cup and filled it with something (I didn't see what - could have been just water, could have been juice, could have been bloody coke) and gave it to him and I just tried to muffle the voice inside me that was shouting 'what's in THERE and WHY are you giving him that without asking me first'. I knew he wouldn't really take it anyway so I was taking some deep breaths and just reminding myself of that.

So, after all that, do you think I need to tackle this now or wibu to say anything? After all, she's just a devoted granny who wants to make her grandson happy. My slight concern is that this could grow and grow and if I'm worried about things like this now and not saying anything there might be bigger, more important things in the future that I will need to tackle as it seems that basically it comes down to her not listening to me.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 21/05/2011 20:11

Not sure what is wrong with a gravy soaked carrot

Not sure what is wrong with a sippy cup either, better than drink spilled all over the floor.

AgentZigzag · 21/05/2011 20:14

It just sounds like she can't wait for your DS to get older so she can go into full GP mode and do stuff with him.

It's nice you're treading carefully and considering it from her point of view, if it were me I might leave it a while and see if it develops into anything else, saying something at any time isn't going to be an easy conversation to have so little point in having it for no reason.

Divert and casually brush stuff off you're not keen on her doing in the meantime?

ChippingIn · 21/05/2011 20:15

Unfortunately I think you are really going to have to say something.

What I'm not too sure, but maybe something along the lines of 'I love that you are so involved with DS and I would love you to have some time on your own with him when he's a bit bigger but I am a bit concerned that we have some differences that would make this really hard for me. I understand that when DH was a baby xyz were the 'norm', but the guidelines have changed and DH & I are going to stick to the current guidelines which mean that DS will have xyz and definitely not abc. I'm really sorry if you feel like this is a critiscism of how you brought up DH, it's not, just things change and we are going to do what is recommened these days as I'm sure you did when DH was a baby'.

Good luck.

ihatecbeebies · 21/05/2011 20:17

I'm confused about the gravy soaked carrot and the sippy cup too, my DS used a sippy cup and he's turned out ok....The sugar/cakes/tea/chocolate though I'd make sure she understands that she doesn't give him them unless you say, I've got the same problem with DS's gran too and no matter how much I tell her not to give him so much she ignores me and does it anyway when he stays over there.

(if you manage to get through to your mil please let me know how you managed it so I can steal your idea haha!)

ChippingIn · 21/05/2011 20:18

Squeaky - the baby is possibly only having puree and gravy is quite high in salt. (Not that either of those things would worry me, but they are valid concerns for some people). Sippy cup - lots of people are choosing to by pass this and go from bf to doidy... again, wouldn't be my choice but if it's the parents choice it should be respected no? Also, if the Mum is there GM really doesn't need to be offering drinks etc to a 6 month old baby surely.

strandedbear · 21/05/2011 20:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gapants · 21/05/2011 20:21

tough one, what is your DH saying about this?

You could approach it from the, oh how things have changed, and look at all these new statistics and so on, and then just be friendly and firm. With the cup, I would be unconcerned with the valve, but would make sure water only. Just say, is that water in there? If she says no, then say he is only having water, thanks, and re-fill it. I think if you are clear with what you want and polite about it then there can be no argument.

The asking you 1st thing, well she is his grannie, so I think that is taking it a bit far, but then you have to be strong to intervene and say, your DS isn't having xyz.

sodiumion · 21/05/2011 20:22

my DS is BF and can't suck the valved sippy cup, so I'm not sure if thats the problem?

No answers re MIL I'm afraid, I had a thread on here earlier that was rather similar...

samc007 · 21/05/2011 20:30

Op, My pil were quite similar in their advice (and are in general lovely people although we don't always agree) and I got round it by explaining the health risks of certain things eg honey should not be given under 1 year old and why so they knew I wasn't being awkward. Things I felt strongly about (sugary drinks,sweets,crips etc) my oh also felt strongly about and we started preparing all the grandparents (my mum can be worse than my pil) before dd was even born.

There have been slips of course and if it's something minor we just let it slide but if it's a big no no ie allergy risk foods or foods that are a choking hazard then me and oh both speak to whoever has given food off the 'no list' so as to show a united front (again this is mostly with my own mother) This has worked for us up to now (dd is 16 months) and obviously things like the odd bit of choc are now allowed and grand parents obviously want to spoil their dgc, I just think there is less tension all round if everyone is clear from the beginning on what's important to you and your oh and where boundaries are.

Disagreeing with what others think you should do doesn't have to lead to confrontation if dealt with in an honest upfront manner. You won't feel like your bottling up things that bother you and it won't end up being blown up out of proportion and they may well not know up to date info about what is or isn't safe/best for children in early stages of weaning. Things have changed an awful lot since we were babies.

I also don't get why people want to give tea to a baby....my pil tried that once, although they were also dunking a biscuit into it for dd (at 7 months) that was a time we had words and as far as I know it's never happened since. Dd can't drop anyone in it yet but soon will be able to haha.

Hope you get things sorted. Sorry for uber long essay, hope it makes sense!

Original poster

redandyellowandpinkandgreen · 21/05/2011 20:38

I didn't want him to have the carrot because she put it right in his mouth and I want him to take things for himself, plus the gravy is salty for a young baby but I let it slide as I knew he would eat very little of it, if anything. The sippy cup is because they are meant to be bad for their teeth because they encourage prolonged sucking and they are meant to be bad even with just water in but I suspect that's if a child is walking around using it constantly so now and again at granny's won't be a huge problem. He is breastfed so I doubted he would be able to suck at it anyway and he couldn't/wouldn't.

I just find it a bit surprising that she would go and fetch it without even asking me. I do now offer him a bit of water but am teaching him to use a Doidy cup and he didn't need any water anyway.

DH sort of rolls his eyes about it all too, we have both tried subtle approaches, explaining what we are giving him to eat and why but she doesn't listen. I am dreading having to go for a more direct approach! I hate having to do things like that. Aghh. Will one of you come over and do it for me??

OP posts:

samc007 · 21/05/2011 20:40

I will I will :)

gapants · 21/05/2011 20:45

How is prolonged sucking bed, if it is just water? I have not heard this.

DS was EBF till he was 7m, then we did BLW and extended BF till he was 2. he has only every drank water or very watered down apple juice, a first through a sippy cup and now just a regular cup. His teeth are in good shape the dentist said..I am interested though about the risks with just sucking and water?

Well, I would get my DH to talk to his mum, and of course I would be there to back him up, but yeah if the hints are not working, then some straight talking is needed.

samc007 · 21/05/2011 20:45

Seriously though op if its things you and your oh feel strongly about (even if others think you're being daft) then you should both sit down with them and explain again what is/isn't allowed and why and that when things change you'll keep them updated. We went to the extreme (before dd was born) of saying if our rules were not followed then there would be no unsupervised contact until we felt able to trust them again (again to my parents also) this was said because we had seen pil give our nephew a full bag of skips at 7 months old -because he had a milk allergy and they didn't know what else he could eat.we have never gone through with this threat although it has occasionally been wielded like a shield at christmas for example when chocolate is around in abundance.

Be strong, you are only doing what you feel is right for your dc

bubblecoral · 21/05/2011 20:47

I'd say something but only if dh won't be more blunt. She needs telling.

I wouldn't be haooy about my bf baby being given salty gravy or an unneccesary sippy cup either. If babies are bf for long enough, they simply don't need them.

samc007 · 21/05/2011 20:49

I was told at a weaning group to go straight to a free flow sippy cup for water from 6 months because of potential damage to teeth. My dd has cow milk out of a valved sippy cup as she tends to spill and milk stinks if I don't spot every little spill.my dd only ever drinks water or milk unless she steals some juice from one of her little friends.

gapants · 21/05/2011 20:54

Well we have used free flow cups only too, but am still not getting why sucking water is bad. juice yes, but water?

samc007 · 21/05/2011 20:59

I can't remember what they said exactly, but they gave everyone at the class one. It was what we intended to use anyway but previous to that I don't remember anyone else mentioning the other cup being damaging to teeth.perhaps it's the same reasoning as with dummies?

LittleMissFlustered · 21/05/2011 20:59

gapants, it's to do with the sucking and pressure on forming teeth from the cup itself, rather than what is being sucked from the cup.

8Ace · 21/05/2011 21:03

Please tell her not to give him honey as it is not suitable for babies under 1 year (I think!!). It contains some sort of bacteria.

sodiumion · 21/05/2011 21:03

I'm sure I heard something to do with the soft palate on the roof of the mouth being affected too, although that could easily be bullshit...?

gapants · 21/05/2011 21:07

Oh ok littlemissflustered, sodium and samc007, I will try with the buggering doily cup with number 2. I hated that thing with number 1, was such blinking pain.

Interesting to know, maybe they did tell me, so much of what I heard post birth has failed out of my brain by now!

thesurgeonsmate · 21/05/2011 21:09

The no valves on the sippy cup thing is a strong message from NHS in Scotland, but given the difficulty in buying free flow cups in the shops, I'm taking it that it's honoured more in the breach than in the observance.

DuelingFanjo · 21/05/2011 21:17

i would say something, or insist that dh does.

I hate the fact that people seem to think it's ok to shove sweet things at babies as soon as tey are weaned. I huess they do it because they know the baby will like it and maybe like them more?

sleepingsowell · 21/05/2011 21:18

Yes honey must not be given to children under 12 months, I believe it's to do with infant botulism.

Redandyellow, I think the only possible way round this is for you and your Dh to speak up. I always found it helpful to think of me as Ds's voice. If his own parents are too inhibited to speak up for him, who will?

You have aperfect right to your opinion on what you want your son given and not given.

Just assertively say "no, I don't want him to have that yet"

If you are challenged or asked about this, I think it's enough to say "I'm following the current advice and it's something I feel really strongly about".

That's enough and should be enough for any reasonable person to accept even if they don't agree with you.

You should never have to sit there and watch someone else stuff a cup in your baby's mouth and not know what it is! Just pipe up! "what's in there?" The world won't come to a juddering halt because you want to know what your baby is being given!

Booandpops · 21/05/2011 21:24

You can get non valve sippys in Ikea

My son wanted to be like his Dsister and sTarted using an open cup early
I would have given him a sippy if he wanted tho. As long as there not permenatly attached to it
Yr Dh needs to tackle his dm firmly not you or you will be the baddie

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