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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to NOT want to see SIL tomorrow?

31 replies

FairhairedandFrustrated · 20/05/2011 18:55

Little bit of history - I have a large number of siblings, we're all very close (emotionally, not in distance).

One of my brothers married a girl from about 90 miles away and when they married, he moved to her home town.

She has one sister and one brother and always said she hates the fact that we get together to celebrate stuff, ie: christenings, big birthdays.

Bro usually comes to events like this on his own, but when they've both got to attend something (ie: weddings) they either stay with me or with my sister who lives about a mile away from me.

Anyway, bro was celebrating a big birthday recently, and we were planning a short visit, give a gift (which we all contributed towards) and leave. SIL told my sister she would prefer it if we didn't go to her house, as she felt there were too many of us (fair enough).

So another sister threw him a party at her house - SIL said she didn't want to come, came up with dozens of reasons why she couldn't, but in the end came along with him.

She made a real fuss, saying there was no need for this, it was a lot of nonsense that we all had to make such a big deal of things... understandable and it's her feelings, but it's always been something we do - we never get together often, so doing something for big birthdays gives us a chance to see all the kids together etc..

I understand she probably feels overwhelmed, my dh did at the start too, cos he's just got one sister and he said he felt swamped by so many people.

They are together 10 years so it's not like she's not used to it.

Anyway, she got really drunk, called our family some awful names, said we were all 'wankers' and anyone who married into us were wankers too.. she said we all treat her like dirt (not true and very very hurtful) and she was fed up with us all.

She said some very rude things to my brother about his daughter (who is 4!!) and told my parents that she hated us all.

Now, tomorrow is an annual event that my brother goes to with my husband and other family members - usually his wife stays here with me. I don't want her here, he hasn't text me yet to say whether or not she is coming, so she may not be, but what on earth do I say/do if she decides to come.

She didn't even apologise to any of us, yet called us for all the names under the sun.

I have wondered if she is depressed. The opinions aren't out of character, she has never been one to remain quiet when she can be talking, but she's never insulted us before.

Part of me feels so sorry for her, but another part is really angry that everything I have done for her has been thrown in my face by the name calling.

OP posts:
JamieAgain · 20/05/2011 18:58

The intensity of her feelings is extreme, which could suggest depression, but her willingness to express them as she has is just really rude, IMO

fedupofnamechanging · 20/05/2011 19:00

I would contact my brother and make it clear that she is not welcome. It is unacceptable to be nasty about a 4 year old. If she doesn't like any of you, that's here prerogative - no one is holding a gun to her head forcing her to attend family get togethers. If she doesn't want to go, then she should make her excuses and not attend, but if she is present then she ought to have good manners and not be needlessly rude. I feel for your brother, caught in the middle.

bluebobbin · 20/05/2011 19:03

The most likely scenerio is that she's not coming. However, if she does turn up, say to her that she is not welcome to stay following the abuse she dished out and hand her the number of a hotel.

JamieAgain · 20/05/2011 19:04

Sorry, pressed post before I'd finished. She has behaved very childishly, and she wouldn't be welcome in my house unless she apologised. I'd get in first - text, or preferably call her to simply say she's not welcome to come this year. Don't enter into conversation about it. She knows what she did

WinkyWinkola · 20/05/2011 19:06

She behaved very badly.

She is clearly threatened by the closeness of your family. I bet She wonders who your brother would ultimately choose.

I terms of being thoroughly offended by her, I can see totally why you don't want to see her again.

In terms of future family relations, I would try and forge a relationship with her to make her feel more part of things and not just an accessory.

I know you don't meet that often anyway but assuming you all want to get past this?

Original poster
FairhairedandFrustrated · 20/05/2011 19:10

I feel sorry for my brother too :( He was outside with our other brothers looking for a lost football when she first kicked off. They were meant to be staying in my sister's house, but when she started, I had to take them home.
I wasn't drinking and therefore know and remember very clearly things that were said and accusations made.

Thing is, I always liked her, I have always made her welcome, even when she has been difficult in the past - I have always pandered to her to make her feel welcome.

On the way home she told me she often hated my brother and that he is difficult to understand, but that I wouldn't get that as I think the sun shines out of his bottom (I so don't!) but think relationships do need to be worked at... the whole time my brother said nothing!!!!

I don't know why he said nothing, didn't even tell her to shut her mouth when she was slating him in the car on the way home.

I will never feel the same way about her again.

My sister has just called me, she said when bro is at her house later (she lives nearby) she is going to ask him about the incident at the party and see if SIL is OK or if he think she may be depressed.

We have thought for aboout 2 years now she may have a problem with alcohol, but again, you can't make accusations like that without any solid evidence.

OP posts:
atswimtwolengths · 20/05/2011 19:11

Assume she's not coming. Don't send her a message saying she can't stay because a) you'll look rude and b) she will only reply saying she wasn't going to anyway.

If she turns up, you need to talk to her honestly. Say you are amazed she is there, that after the way she spoke to you, you assumed she wouldn't be in contact again. Ask her if she has any idea how rude she was. By the way, was she drunk at the time? Is she nasty when she's drunk? (Mind you, people usually apologise afterwards if they're like that.)

JamieAgain · 20/05/2011 19:15

You sound really understanding. I agree she does sound unhappy and is lashing out. It's that weird disconnect between confiding in you and wanting you to side with her against your brother, and then attacking you. Your brother's reaction is really strange - really embarrassed, not wanting things to kick off as they possibly do at home? Maybe there are more serious mental health issues going on.

Original poster
FairhairedandFrustrated · 20/05/2011 19:16

WW, yes, I want to get past this. I have a lot in common with her and I love my brother to bits.

Interesting you should say she may feel threatened - my bro and one of our sisters were posing for a photograph at the party and she shouted out "why don't yous get a room?" It seemed strange at the time and we laughed, but another SIL said it was weird.

She eventually closed herself in a bathroom and we decided she needed to go home before she would regret anything more.

To tell the truth, I have been half waiting since the morning after for some kind of message, or anything, but nothing has been forthcoming.

She did try and fall out with me before at a different family event, but I am a peacemaker and tried to smooth it over - but not this time, she has went a bit far and it's not too much to expect an apology, is it?

OP posts:
JamieAgain · 20/05/2011 19:16

On reflection, I agree with atswimtwolengths

Original poster
FairhairedandFrustrated · 20/05/2011 19:26

Yes, she was drunk. She was drinking red wine out of a cup (and telling others it was coffee, but I saw her pouring the red wine into it, and my mum brought two bottles and one was 'lost' early in the evening.)

She is usually very vocal about her opinions, be it sober or drunk.

When I dropped them home I hugged them both, bro give me a tight hug, said thanks for EVERYTHING, whilst SIL whispered in my ear that I thought I was nice, but really I wasn't.

My mum thinks someone needs to talk to her and bro, but where do you start that conversation without casting aspersions on their relationship and making him feel like we've all been gossiping (we haven't, I am genuinely concerned regarding her state of mind).

OP posts:
Pictish · 20/05/2011 19:33

Just a wayward thought here......

Could your brother be treating her badly in the marriage at all? It would go halfway to explaining her resentment towards those that love him.

I say that because she mentioned she sometimes hates him, and that you think the sun shines out of his bum.

I'm not saying that IS what is happening here - not at all.....but something just made my whiskers twitch.

atswimtwolengths · 20/05/2011 19:34

Just gasped aloud at what your SIL whispered! What a bitch!

JamieAgain · 20/05/2011 19:34

That crossed my mind Pictish

MerylStrop · 20/05/2011 19:40

I feel a bit sorry for her .
You have a great big strong "us" ie you and your siblings but it may still, even after 10 years, feel terribly excluding - she can never really be part of it.
She behaved horribly, but I think you have to find a way to get past it or your relationship with your brother, and your brother's with his wife will suffer.Talk to them, and rise above the insults.

beesimo · 20/05/2011 19:45

I would say and do nothing, if she arrives at your house open the door and say nice to see you come on in. She is clearly not one of you 'rabbbits' and probably realises you all think she is a 'funny bunny'. I think she finds you as hard to cope with as you do her, make allowances and just get on with it.

We had a similiar thing when my brother brought a town girl home (1980s) she thought we were all bonkers and inbreds and my DM was appalled that not only did she lie abed until 8am she sat on her arse reading magazines like lady muck and never so much as washed a pot!!!

We all learnt to live and let live and she is now a much loved SIL/Auntie give her another chance, and another one, and another one- why because she is your DBs choice. End of.

Original poster
FairhairedandFrustrated · 20/05/2011 19:50

I don't know Pictish - I mentioned that to dh on the way home in the car, and he said, if anything, it was her who wore the trousers. She won't ever call him by his first name, always his surname.

And dh also pointed out to me that he will never tell her to shut up, even when she is being really out of order.

I had wondered if she may have taken medication before the alcohol, leading to the rudeness?

Thing is though Merylstrop, she has always been welcomed - they married later in life than the rest of us (I was 19 when married, other family was younger than bro and SIL were too) and she was a very welcome addition in my brother's life.

She told a stranger at the party (my sister's neighbour) that she loved being around a big family but almost as soon as that neighbour left, she turned on us.

I can get over it, I want to get over it, my sister who threw the party is devastated. She felt so hurt on the night and even since then that SIL hasn't called to say sorry (she did something in her house that the children were getting blamed for, only a teenage niece was able to say it was SIL)

OP posts:
Original poster
FairhairedandFrustrated · 20/05/2011 19:53

Beesimo, I've never found her hard to cope with - not until now.

We've never put up with her, we've loved her like another sister.

OP posts:
beesimo · 20/05/2011 20:00

For Gods sake OP your SIL got pissed and ran her mouth at a family party and now it sounds like the whole family is standing judge and jury on her.

Get a grip and stop being so dramatic I doubt 'the children who were getting blamed for it' whatever it was have been traumatised for life.

I once gave a brilliant but very tipsy impression of my SIL telling my DB off at do looked behind me and there was........

Original poster
FairhairedandFrustrated · 20/05/2011 20:15

Thanks for all the advice.

No-one is standing judge and jury - I think if you read it, I am concerned about her.

It's not I've never been drunk, not like I've never said something I shouldn't have - it was the actual things she was saying that shocked me, particularly towards my 70-year-old mother.

But I'm sorry it came across like we were judging her.

OP posts:
MerylStrop · 20/05/2011 20:19

I don't disbelieve for a minute that you have welcomed her to the family, sincerely. Nonetheless (and the fact that all your spouses have been on the scene a lot longer too exacerbates this), she really may never really feel like "one of the family".

I think if I were you and wanted what was best for you all, I would call your brother and ask if she was coming, and let her know that she was still welcome. You can either talk about what happened or choose to forget it. She got drunk and said stupid stuff. Draw a line under it.

lazybitch · 20/05/2011 20:20

i am certain from what you said that she has a drink problem. If you have a blow out one night, you dont feel the need to hide alcohol in a tea cup. Your brother sounds over whelmed - he probably doesnt want to betray her trust and she may have told him that if he says a word to anyone that she will leave.... Alcoholics are very good at putting the blame on others and not accepting they have a problem. It sounds like your brother could do with a confidante. However, I would imagine the last people she would want him to confide in are his family. Even though she has behaved appalingly, she would not want you all to know. I know im pressuming a lot but I do speak from close family experience. I'd nominate one member of the family to speak to your brother, so that he doesnt feel overwhelmed. x

JamieAgain · 20/05/2011 20:22

But this is part of a longer-standing picture. It's not at all normal, IMO

RunAwayWife · 20/05/2011 20:32

Sounds like she has some sort of problem, I think you should just cut her out and let her get on with it

beesimo · 20/05/2011 20:47

RunAwayWife

You are full of the milk of human kindness!