to NOT want to see SIL tomorrow?

[FairhairedandFrustrated]

Little bit of history - I have a large number of siblings, we're all very close (emotionally, not in distance).

One of my brothers married a girl from about 90 miles away and when they married, he moved to her home town.

She has one sister and one brother and always said she hates the fact that we get together to celebrate stuff, ie: christenings, big birthdays.

Bro usually comes to events like this on his own, but when they've both got to attend something (ie: weddings) they either stay with me or with my sister who lives about a mile away from me.

Anyway, bro was celebrating a big birthday recently, and we were planning a short visit, give a gift (which we all contributed towards) and leave. SIL told my sister she would prefer it if we didn't go to her house, as she felt there were too many of us (fair enough).

So another sister threw him a party at her house - SIL said she didn't want to come, came up with dozens of reasons why she couldn't, but in the end came along with him.

She made a real fuss, saying there was no need for this, it was a lot of nonsense that we all had to make such a big deal of things... understandable and it's her feelings, but it's always been something we do - we never get together often, so doing something for big birthdays gives us a chance to see all the kids together etc..

I understand she probably feels overwhelmed, my dh did at the start too, cos he's just got one sister and he said he felt swamped by so many people.

They are together 10 years so it's not like she's not used to it.

Anyway, she got really drunk, called our family some awful names, said we were all 'wankers' and anyone who married into us were wankers too.. she said we all treat her like dirt (not true and very very hurtful) and she was fed up with us all.

She said some very rude things to my brother about his daughter (who is 4!!) and told my parents that she hated us all.

Now, tomorrow is an annual event that my brother goes to with my husband and other family members - usually his wife stays here with me. I don't want her here, he hasn't text me yet to say whether or not she is coming, so she may not be, but what on earth do I say/do if she decides to come.

She didn't even apologise to any of us, yet called us for all the names under the sun.

I have wondered if she is depressed. The opinions aren't out of character, she has never been one to remain quiet when she can be talking, but she's never insulted us before.

Part of me feels so sorry for her, but another part is really angry that everything I have done for her has been thrown in my face by the name calling.

There's a lot going on here. One thing is very clear though, your SIL has a problem. It might be alcohol, it could be prescription medication (more common that you would- especially abuse of valium etc) or could simply be depression. This is clear from her behaviour at your party, and her extreme and mixed reactions to people- hugging you while at the same time saying something nasty.

However and this is difficult, it may (not saying is) not be all her fault. Her accusation that you think the sun shines out of your brother's arse is obviously unfair and untrue, but it gives an insight into her viewpoint. Whatever is happening to her, she is feeling isolated and alone. She hasn't much family herself to support her, and she must feel she can't rely on her in-laws because she'll never mean as much as blood to them (whether this is true or not.)

Don't dismiss out of hand, that her problem could be with your brother. There are always things in a marriage, that relatives will never know about. I'm not saying there's abuse or anything, but if the marriage is breaking down, and she's depressed or alcoholic, then I'd assume that she'll feel that when the truth comes out, you'll always support your brother over her.

Whatever her problem is, you can't deal with it, and she might need professional help. In the mean-time glossing over the problem won't help. If she does arrive then you need to make a decision. She'll be sober now, she might not even remember what she said. It could go two ways. If there is a real problem and you turn her away, then in her mind you justify her initial feeling of isolation, and it'll just make it worse.

On the other hand I fully understand why you want her to bugger off. Her behaviour was obscenely rude, and to be honest she doesn't deserve to be welcomed in. However be aware that voicing these thoughts and feelings will probably make things worse. If she apologizes (which she might be waiting to do in person) then how would you feel about taking her and getting coffee or something and seeing if you can have an open and honest discussion with her? You don't have to let her stay in your house- she can go to hotel, you don't even have to let her in, but maybe try and talk?

Sorry such a long reply!

Tambern, am more than happy to talk with her, but know she will shut me out.

When my mum asked her how her mum was keeping, she said fine. But on the car on the way home, she told me her mum had had a heart scare 3 days previously and she had been at the hospital with her at 5am.

She told everyone she bought my bro a weekend away for his birthday, but on the way up home she said she had booked a week in Spain.

My bro has text to say she is away with her mum for the weekend and so she won't be down with him. As he is staying at my sister's, my brother-in-law is going to try and have a chat with him, just see if she's OK.

She won't be 'cut off' - why would we do that? If she had just been drunk etc well everyone does that from time to time, but it was how malicious the comments were which wasn't really like her. There's more to it, but unless she wants to talk, we'll probably never know.

Thanks for listening anyway!

She also recently nursed a family member through an illness (which the person recovered from) and looked after her neighbour's children whilst their mum was in hospital - so she did have a lot on her plate.

Op, just thinking that SIL is probably mortified at what has happened and how she behaved. My DS kicked off at a party we had one in a similar vein. I didn't hear from her for nearly a week. She is probably trying to remember what happened and may have had a bust up with your DB about it.
Likewise, DP got a bit too drunk at a family wedding, knew he'd been out of order but I had to remind him as he couldn't remember half of it.

I'm not saying you'd cut her off, from everything you've written you sound like you're being very caring towards her and that you two generally have a good relationship, but you have to see that she might not be seeing reality. If her view is currently distorted by depression or addiction, then she might simply assume the worst.

Best of luck with the situation, hope things get mended soon for yours and hers sake.

You know, she could be perfectly fine re mental health, addiction etc, and just need to drink heavily to cope with you all.

I know how much I dreaded visiting my ultra happy, ultra large other half's family. I know they all thought I had some drink problem but it was only to get through the day with them all (a BIL was a co conspiritor who felt like me, and we would sit quite happily getting utterly sloshed just to cope with them all and get through the visit).