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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fed up that I do EVERYTHING

28 replies

couldtryharder · 19/05/2011 18:33

Love my husband to bits and we are very lucky that he has a well paid job that earns him good money. I left my stressfull NHS job after we had the kids and now just do a few hours a week admin for some pocket money and to keep my hand in. But I do EVERYFU*CKINGTHING else. Look after the kids, take them to school and nursery, cook, clean, wash up, empty dishwasher, do the gardening, do the laundry, sort out all household issues/holidays/repairs etc etc. If the kids want anything (food, drink, attention, conflict resolution, cuddles) they come to me, if they are kicking off it's at me. If there are skids in the pan coz they can't ever flush the loo it's me that thinks to bung the bleach down there. If there are clothes/toys piled up on the stairs it's me that bothers to take them back upstairs. Blah blah blah. I could go on. Sometimes I crack and have a meltdown hissyfit at everyone but let it go once it's off my chest. At the end of the day my husband then assumes that him groping my arse and telling me he's got a boner is going to make me dig out the lacey lingery for a steamy sesh!!!!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!! He seems to get all offended if I try to hint at my frustrations. Or, most annoyingly pulls out the money card (we couldn't have bought this house if it wasn't for etc. forgetting the £121K I put into it!!!!!!). And breath......... But I do love him and he is a good man at heart.

OP posts:
onlion · 19/05/2011 18:34

OMG are you me? [shocked]

Gingefringe · 19/05/2011 18:34

You are me!!

Goblinchild · 19/05/2011 18:36

Why are you telling us? You should tell him,and depending on the age of your children, you could tell them too.
Please don't self-define as a Stepford Sex-Bot. Or charge him, if he pulls out the money card as a response to protests.

funnybumblebee · 19/05/2011 18:38

Exactly the reason why, in Asda at the weekend, I hissed at my DH "I might as well be a fucking single parent!" I'm not proud of it, I do love him, but I wonder what he does all day and evening. Mind you, at least mine mows the lawn Grin

Bumfuzzle · 19/05/2011 18:38

Don't hint. Talk. Calmly.

What's the balance of your working week? He does how many hours actual work in his job and you do how many hours actually cleaning, cooking, children etc?

I'm a firm believer that the working week should be roughly the same. with anything needing doing above and beyond that to be split 50/50.

Maybe you need to remind him how much you do. Calmly. How many hours you put in and how valuable what you do is.

And, of course, if he mentions the money, you ask him how much he thinks a full time cook, cleaner, nanny etc costs. And you ask him if he has forgotten about the £121k too.

Lizzylou · 19/05/2011 18:39

I empathise, though I have recently gone back to work FT and I still do all the housework/school sorting stuff.
It is normally me making the sexual overtures though Blush

bibbitybobbityhat · 19/05/2011 18:43

This is the most commonly posted topic on Mumsnet, ever. There were at least two yesterday. It is such a common problem.

I expect you will get lots of replies but it is also worth searching some keywords such as "housework", "bins out", etc because over the years Mumsnetters have posted some awesome advice and ideas on getting one's partner to step up to the mark when it comes to domestic chores.

richandlazy · 19/05/2011 18:44

Why bother doing it all then? Do the minimum you can get away with. I do, and funnily enough, nobody in my house has ever died of too many weeds in the garen or been fatally injured by some unfolded washing.

enceinte33encore · 19/05/2011 19:06

Try flylady.com -it's revolutionised the way I do things round the house and made me feel less of a slave. It's good for getting your kids & husband helping too.

I'm sure my partner doesn't think he needs to do anything to help as he is the one earning the money. Previously, he worked from 6.00am-9.30pm so I was literally left to do everything. Since I'm pregnant again and he's around more he's been helping out a lot. He needs to be asked to do things though, but if you don't ask you don't get. I think we shouldn't feel guilty asking for help. In an ideal world the time you are both in the house should be divided with chores. This is my dream.

Original poster
couldtryharder · 19/05/2011 19:56
  1. You ladies are brilliant.
  2. Thank god it's not just me.
  3. Had a chance of a gentle reminder this evening as he's been offered a new job that would mean him working longer hours. Just mentioned that the balance would be even worse and that we'd need to consider that and how we'd address it.
OP posts:
loverboys · 19/05/2011 20:38

could you afford a cleaner for couple of times a month?

cantpooinpeace · 19/05/2011 20:49

Try this system - 'jobs for jobs' no housework from him = very little shagging from you.....we barter with each other. Tongue in cheek mostly but it does seem to work and keeps us both happy hehee :) (I feel less resentful if he's pulling his weight therefore more up for it)

golemmings · 19/05/2011 22:39

I'm with you too. I work part time, am the bread winner (dh doing PGCE) and do half the cooking, all the cleaning, all the laundry, the gardening, most of the childcare...

However I did have a hissy fit on Monday when I came home after a night away with dd (visiting sick parents which was quite hard work) to find the kitchen had become a death trap (iron and ironing board in the middle of the kitchen - rescued the iron just before dd pulled it on her head, turned back from putting it away to find her with the sharpest knife in the house in her mouth etc etc), sunday's breakfast things still on the side...

Monday night was more than a little tetchy in our house.

However the last two nights I've had my dinner cooked for me and yesterday the kitchen was cleaned and tidied and more work was done on the bathroom which I've been decorating.

Can't wait for his PGCE to come to an end. Even if he doesn't have a job at least he will be useful, especially with dc2 expected in September!

southeastastra · 19/05/2011 22:41

i find it easier to get into a routine without dp it's great.

BeerTricksPotter · 19/05/2011 22:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cantpooinpeace · 20/05/2011 13:15

As I said Beer - Tongue in cheek luv.

It gets the message across though he soon starts to pull his weight a bit more when he not had any for a while. fairs fair! Keeps everyone happy.

There's very little inequality in our relationship and for the most part it's 50/50 but as soon as its 49/51 I spit out my dummy. We just don't take life too seriously or pretend to have a movie relationship where everything is perfect :)

P.S. Only a deep clean would warrant a BJ :)

mummysgoingmad · 20/05/2011 13:24

I would talk to him before you get to the stage i'm at! I'm off to see the doctor today for anti depressants, i do everything. I attend the many appointments that ds has on a weekly basis by myself, even if he is able to come he doesn't. He has only just realised how bad things have got with my mental health as i made an appointment for the health visitor to come round. She expressed her concerns for my health and well being , then and only then did he sit up and take notice. i have now had a bit of a break down and havent been able to move off the couch or out of bed all week.
too much stress = a very unhappy mum!

Punkatheart · 20/05/2011 13:40

Yes me too. I do try and say: 'Look I am ill, you know!' but although my OH is lovely, he seems to have a peculiarly deaf ear when it comes to hearing such things. Similarly, teenage daughter. But they are the first to complain when things are not done - which makes me even angrier.

You really have to assert yourself. This weekend I am working on a rota.

Cantpooinpeace...I thought a BJ was a deep clean? Blush

stickytoffeepud · 20/05/2011 14:39

he works at his job, staying at home is yours

thats the way i see it

why should he have to do the housework as well as a full time job?

Punkatheart · 20/05/2011 14:43

Did you read the post, sticky?

Does a man (or a woman) going to work excuse them flushing the loo, doing a bit of gardening or emptying the dishwasher?

If someone is at home, they are not a slave. Housework should be shared - regardless of whether someone works. This is not the fifties ffs!!

valiumredhead · 20/05/2011 14:47

Your mistake is blowing up and then letting it go.......... tell him exactly what needs to change.

manicbmc · 20/05/2011 14:48

I can see stickytoffee's point but why should the OP do all the child care things when her dp is at home?

kitsmummy · 20/05/2011 15:00

If you only do a few hours work a week then I'd see everything you've listed as your job anyway! I expect he's probably out of the house 10 hours a day, so I doubt everything listed would take 10 hours work every day would it? To be honest, everything you've listed is what most part-time working mothers would do anyway.

From your post I'm not sure if he helps with childcare at the weekend (or indeed in the evenings if he's home before they're in bed). If he doesn't help with the kids when he's around, then he's bang out of order on that one.

Everything else though is just running a household isn't it - surely your job if you work just a few hours, whilst he works 35+.

Ref the money comments - that's clearly a shit thing to say.

DoMeDon · 20/05/2011 15:01

Explain to your DH that if you do everything in the home, all the time you will be too tired for sex.

If he earns good money can you not get a cleaner to do some of the bits or send DC to nursery for some alone time?

I would be VERY UNHAPPY at being told 'I earn the cash' - especially if you put a lot into the house and have left a good career to rsiae your DC. Very insulting and diminishes your contribution. If DH paid for childcare/domestic help/gardener/escort in your absence would cost him a fuck load of cash.

Equally - what is this 'pocket money' shit you trotted out? What you earn is family pot money, as is his wage that you enable him to earn.

ScousyFogarty · 20/05/2011 15:42

Couldtryharder. I can sympathise with your problem. A lot of women with young children are pushing themselves very hard. I see them around. It shows in their faces. Good luck

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