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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want MIL to come on my birthday outing?

53 replies

Rosemallow · 19/05/2011 18:28

Ok so it's my birthday this weekend and we've decided to have a nice 'family' day and have bought tickets to an event. (me, DP, DD and DS)
Today DP informs me that MIL is now coming and because she's is going to bring a picnic that is ok.
TBH his mum is a little bit weird and not particularly fun/helpful to have around. In fact she is very hard work.

She NEVER interacts with the DC and has been known to just let DD wander off when supposedly watching her (once she nearly fell down a flight of stairs and I had to run over while 8.5 months pregnant to catch her!).
She will sit around talking about herself and the company she works for the whole time she is here and will not listen to anything anyone else says.
DP has really pissed me off this time - she always comes on days we have arranged to do things as a 4 (DD's birthday, Christmas, my birthday last year) and it also means none of the other grandparents (including FIL) get a look in. It's not even as though she is on her own, like my mum as she has a partner of 25 years.
AIBU not to want her to come?

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 19/05/2011 18:29

Tell your DP you have four tickets so that is four people going. It has been planned so that is it and she is not welcome.

octopusinabox · 19/05/2011 18:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bumfuzzle · 19/05/2011 18:34

Has she bought a ticket?

Could you say they are sold out?

or you could tell your partner that if she's going, you will stay at home cos you're pig sick of her.

Why does your partner keep inviting her to everything when he knows how you feel?

Your main problem here is your partner. You need to find a way to get through to him.

Original poster

Rosemallow · 19/05/2011 18:45

Fabby - if it were only so simple! (I do love your 'to the point' advice! :))
He has bought her a bloody ticket today while I was out with the kids! As I said he seems to think that because she is bringing a picnic that is ok!
Octopus - that is a great idea! I will ruin arrange his birthday with her and see how he likes it!
Bumfuzzle - I know it is entirely DP's fault. He feels 'guilty' as she always moans that she doesn't get to see GC enough (she sees them more than any of the other GPs) so he kind of lets her come along to appease her. He will also probably leave interacting with her to me while he buggers of with the kids.
Am already dreading it. (I have been ill this week so might have a relapse over the weekend and stay in bed with DS)

OP posts:

TheOriginalFAB · 19/05/2011 18:46

Just because your MIL is going doesn't mean your parents can't join in.

Original poster

Rosemallow · 19/05/2011 18:52

FAB - his mum and dad don't get on and she 'misbehaved' when she met my mum and put her in an uncomfortable and embarrassing position so i try not to see them at the same time. My mum has also just had a hip op so wouldn't be able to come.
Aside from that, if I'm honest I would like there to be times when we go to an event, just the 4 of us, but it always gets hijacked!

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 19/05/2011 18:56

I would refuse to go if she was going. If he wont deal with it then I would make it clear that he can spend the day with her on his own.

ohfuckohfuckohfuckduck · 19/05/2011 18:59

A piece of advice I took from here - "No" is a complete sentence.

Bumfuzzle · 19/05/2011 19:01

If you consistently refuse to go - and follow it through - then he will surely get the message and stop tagging her on to everything?

Of course, this means in the short term, you miss out. But for long term gain is it worth it?

When you have ensured that he knows that simply tagging her on means it's him and her with the kids, then he should hopefully stop. At which point you can agree that - by agreement before asking her! - she can come to some things.

But if he reverts back to tagging her onto everything, you go back to not going.

But NEVER stay at home with the kids. He must take the children too.

Original poster

Rosemallow · 19/05/2011 19:01

Bogeyface - I suppose I usually tolerate it because (no idea why) DD dos love seeing her and I'm therefore not so good at putting my foot down, even though it will bug me all day. The thing is, we both have to 'manage' her behaviour which also puts DP on edge so I don't really understand why he does it!

OP posts:

fiveisanawfullybignumber · 19/05/2011 19:02

I second bogeyface. If your DH knows how you feel and has still invited her along, tell him to take her on his own! Either have a quiet day away from everyone, see a film that you fancy, or take the DC's to soft play and eat lots of cake. In your position I wouldn't want MIL to ruin another of mty birthdays, and if 'D'H doesn't get by now, then he soon will.

Flisspaps · 19/05/2011 19:02

I second Bogeyface's idea.

Saying that you would like to do some family events (especially your birthday) as just the four of you is not saying you never want to see her and she ruins your life and you never want to see her again, is it?

Flisspaps · 19/05/2011 19:03

That's thirding Bogeyface then.

saffy85 · 19/05/2011 19:04

YANBU. This is YOUR birthday after all so it'd pretty unfair for your DP to invite his mum along without asking you first if its ok with you. He needs to tell her the plan has changed- ie, she isn't coming with you now. He put the spanner in the works, he can get it out again.

mitochondria · 19/05/2011 19:04

Buying her a ticket without asking you is very sneaky behaviour on behalf of your husband.

I think, given that, you are justified in putting your foot down and telling him that you are not going if she does.

He can tell MIL you're ill.

mitochondria · 19/05/2011 19:05

Fourthing Bogeyface.

Bumfuzzle · 19/05/2011 19:05

or you're firsting bumfuzzle cos she said it first.

hurumph

Original poster

Rosemallow · 19/05/2011 19:05

You're right, bumfuzzle, I need to work towards a long term solution to this, not a quick fix. The only problem is DS is BF (3 months) so I can't leave him and looking after DD on her own is a piece of cake. I suppose the fact that HE'LL have to interact with her if I'm not there could help. Although I suspect he'll just do it through DD and spend the day on his iPhone. (not exactly a deterrent!)

OP posts:

Flisspaps · 19/05/2011 19:07

Sorry Bumfuzzle

I second Bumfuzzle and fourth Bogeyface.

fiveisanawfullybignumber · 19/05/2011 19:09

Surely the fact that you're not going on your birthday day out would be deterent enough if he's got any concience. Sp? b

Bumfuzzle · 19/05/2011 19:11

It's still something though. And you never know - you not being there may make all the difference. Don't underestimate how much having you there will be helping him. When he's on his own, I'm betting he will not like it. Do you think his mother will allow his attention to not be on her anyway? And, more than anything, it tells him that you will not have him do this to you over and over and over again.

Also I want to draw specific attention to the fact that I said fiRsting. I'm looking at my last post and it does not look good at a glance

Original poster

Rosemallow · 19/05/2011 19:13

So really I need to grow a backbone and tell DP to 'uninvite' her.
Not relishing that thought but I can see it happening for the next 18 years (if he doesn't drive me away before then!)
Failing that I will be 'ill' again and spend the day having cuddles with DS (that sounds quite nice actually!)

OP posts:

MadamDeathstare · 19/05/2011 19:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

saffy85 · 19/05/2011 19:17

Aww I think it's a shame if you don't go to your birthday do. Can't you swipe all the tickets, grab the DC, call a couple of mates to go with you and leave DP and his mum to it for the day? He's spoilt your day so why should you be the one to go without?

PfftTheMagicDragon · 19/05/2011 19:17

For this event, I would soften the blow for yourself by inviting everyone else as well. Tell your DP that you assumed it was a whole family event as MIL is coming.

Then, invite her to his birthday. Or just tell him NO!

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