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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want MIL to come on my birthday outing?

53 replies

Rosemallow · 19/05/2011 18:28

Ok so it's my birthday this weekend and we've decided to have a nice 'family' day and have bought tickets to an event. (me, DP, DD and DS)
Today DP informs me that MIL is now coming and because she's is going to bring a picnic that is ok.
TBH his mum is a little bit weird and not particularly fun/helpful to have around. In fact she is very hard work.

She NEVER interacts with the DC and has been known to just let DD wander off when supposedly watching her (once she nearly fell down a flight of stairs and I had to run over while 8.5 months pregnant to catch her!).
She will sit around talking about herself and the company she works for the whole time she is here and will not listen to anything anyone else says.
DP has really pissed me off this time - she always comes on days we have arranged to do things as a 4 (DD's birthday, Christmas, my birthday last year) and it also means none of the other grandparents (including FIL) get a look in. It's not even as though she is on her own, like my mum as she has a partner of 25 years.
AIBU not to want her to come?

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 19/05/2011 19:19

Yanbu

I would be livid.

Sneaky and underhand of your dh IMO

Original poster
Rosemallow · 19/05/2011 19:20

Madamdeathstare - you just made me cackle out loud at the thought of them going on a weekend together. I would love to do that with my mum and brother but I know it would be his idea of hell!
I could book a foreign destination so they have the flights to spend talking together too Grin

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Bumfuzzle · 19/05/2011 19:20

That's a good idea you know, make it into a huge party! Since it's no longer a family day, what the hell!

But yes, you do need to pull on your big girl pants Grin and tell him straight. Just refuse. Tell him you do what you like, but I'm not going.

Original poster
Rosemallow · 19/05/2011 19:23

Hmm hadn't thought about inviting other people! We could bump into friends of mine with DCs - that would take the pressure off me and DD would love it. Time to start texting people!

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Original poster
Rosemallow · 19/05/2011 19:25

Someone else can sit and listen to her talk about her company and M & S bloody food!
Gah!

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EveryonesJealousOfGingers · 19/05/2011 19:25

There is nothing wrong IMO with saying that you prefer to go to this event as a family. Your DH needs to tell her that that is your preference, he didn't realise when he had the conversation with her and that he should have asked you first.

Original poster
Rosemallow · 19/05/2011 19:26

Big girl pants (or just big pants!) on and hoiked up ready for when he's put DD to bed!

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Original poster
Rosemallow · 19/05/2011 19:28

Everyonesjealous - I would rather it came from DP as last time I tried to put my foot down I had to listen to her bleat on about not seeing DGC enough and don't I like her etc etc

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skgnome · 19/05/2011 19:32

If you're happy with more people, go ahead and invite YOUR friends that YOU like. But make sure to tell DP that you're not happy with him changing the plans and that this time is ok since lots of nice people are going, but especially since is your birthday it should be just people you like, I would just change the whole plan sell your, DP, and LO's tickets and plan something completely different and leave MIL with her ticket.. ok, that's just mean, but call MIL and tell her there was a change of plans, you're no longer going and you're just going to a friend's with the kids

DontGoCurly · 19/05/2011 19:47

I'd go feckin nuclear on him!

He invites her on top of you and then leaves you to talk to her while he fiddles with his iPhone...?
He's probably doing it because he feels guilty but is too lazy to entertain her himself so leaves you to do it.

I would pull out and I would be blunt as feck about it too. Don't pretend to be sick. She'll probably play the martyr but let her. Read you husband the riot act.

Original poster
Rosemallow · 19/05/2011 20:04

Curly - he doesn't do the iPhone thing when I'm there but I have a feeling if I left them to it the iPhone would be used to avoid conversation with her!
Gnome - I've just texted a couple of people to see if they can come (might as well have a bloomin' party now!) so I await their replies! I'm just not good at being mean and end up winding myself up over things and then seething. I'm not really precious over my birthday but I also don't want to have a crap day!
DP has just come back from putting DD to bed so here i go!

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fedupofnamechanging · 19/05/2011 20:05

Personally I wouldn't faff about playing games and inviting other people etc. I'd tell DH straight that I was unhappy about this and tell him to cancel her ticket and not invite his mother to my birthday plans again without asking me first.

If you don't make him put this right he'll continue to do it. The only way to ensure he stops is to put him in the embarrassing position of having to tell his mother that she can't come.

clam · 19/05/2011 20:19

I might have missed this but have you told him you'd prefer him not to invite her along to every outing? Because it seems strange, if you've been clear you want it to be just the 4 of you, that he should invite her without consulting you and expect you to be OK about it.
I'm usually of the "be nice to your MIL" school of thought, but I think your DH is out of line here.

blackeyedsusan · 19/05/2011 21:49

that's outrageous... dh has overstepped the mark... if your friends can't come, make him cancel mil..

2rebecca · 19/05/2011 22:11

I would get angry about this and say that as it is MY birthday treat it should be up to me who is invited and that he should always ask me before inviting other people to events anyway as I would always ask him (if you invite your parents to stuff without asking him you don't have a leg to stand on here though). I wouldn't rescind the invite now if she has been told she is invited but would make it clear she is NEVER to be invited without a discussion again if he wants our marriage to last. i should come before his mother, especially on my birthday.

2rebecca · 19/05/2011 22:14

I don't see why if she comes other relatives can't though. I'd be inclined to invite people you want to come along if your husband has decided your birthday is a free for all rather than a family occasion..

2rebecca · 19/05/2011 22:19

Does he need to be more vague with her about what he's doing as well if she always wants to join in stuff. If she has a husband she shouldn't be in need of company so he sounds a bit overenmeshed wanting to give her details of what he's up to all the time and wanting to invite her to everything.
I presume you knew he was a bit of a mummy's boy when you married him though as men don't tend to change on things like that. Both my husbands phoned their parents once every week or so and gave minimal info (and never got a chance to get a word in edgeways anyway) so I never had overbearing inlaws always knowing our business.

Original poster
Rosemallow · 19/05/2011 23:29

It's strange 2rebecca but he really isn't a mummy's boy - she just has a knack of making him (and to a lesser extent, me) guilty. I think she called him, he mentioned what we were doing and she probably said 'oh well I was hoping to see you then' guilt trip, guilt trip.
It has been just over 2 weeks since she's seen DC because we were due to go on holiday and were getting sorted for that so didn't see her but we didn't go (should be there now and over my birthday!)
Have spoken to him about it and made it clear it is not a question of 'disliking' her, rather I would have liked to have chosen who/what etc as it's my birthday and that I'd rather it were just the 4 of us. He got a bit defensive and didn't want to uninvite her so I've agreed she can come on the proviso he never invites her for these things without speaking to me first again. Fingers crossed it works!

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HeadfirstForHalos · 19/05/2011 23:39

I wouldn't go. Might be cutting your nose off to spite your face in the short term, but it will get your point across clearly and prevent this sort of thing from happening again.

I would meet friends with the dc somewhere else and leave him with his mum.

sunnydelight · 19/05/2011 23:39

The fact that he bought the ticket before telling you says a lot to me - he clearly knew you would say no if given a choice. I was going to say leave them all to it and go do something nice but then I read it's not an option because of the baby so I think you should invite your BF, parents or anyone else you would actually like to be there, leave MIL and DH to do the bulk of the childcare, and have a nice day. I would also make sure that your MIL gets an invite to whatever your DH wants to do for his birthday.

HRHPrincessZombiePlan · 19/05/2011 23:42

Agree with Headfirst. Also agree with sunnydelight, except that I wouldn't invite his mother to his birthday do, I'd invite your mother and not his, i.e. exactly what he's done to you...

cjel · 20/05/2011 00:04

I hope you can manage to have a really good day, I would politely snub her all day and him, try only talking to dcs and let dh know at every oportunity that he's ruined your special day that you had looked forward to!!! if he starts to wonder off or go on the phone stop him. make sure he is left with her and try not to steam all day. Have a good time xx

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/05/2011 00:53

Get him to hand over his phone to you before you go out. He may NOT opt out of conversing with his mother and leaving it all to you. Tell him it is your birthday present from him if he objects.

empirestateofmind · 20/05/2011 01:11

I would be livid and telling DP to make it clear to his mother that plans had changed.

Don't let him get away with this. When plans are suggested by others my DH has been carefully trained to always say we will discuss it and check the diary and get back to them.

He then gets me to make the arrangements so that I am happy with them.

This harmonious arrangement took years to perfect. Now it works well.

Original poster
Rosemallow · 20/05/2011 07:33

Thanks for all your input! It is a work in progress - I will find it hard not to be a little bit rude to her on the day and may inadvertently make some digs but two of my friends have confirmed now so that will make it more fun!
As far as his birthday goes - she will be there with bells on! I'd invite my mum instead but he would probably prefer that as he likes my mum a lot.

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