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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that he's just not that into me?

74 replies

L8rAllig8r · 19/05/2011 17:09

Met a guy on an online dating site. Seemed to be getting on really well, lots of messages back and forth. We swapped numbers. We then exchanged lots of texts. He asked me if I would go for a drink with him, I said yes but would need a couple of days notice to arrange a sitter for DS. He said he would let me know.

Texts have continued for a week since then, no mention of the drink/what days he was free, just general chit chat. So today he says he's staying in to watch a film tonight, and I mentioned I hadn't seen that particular film, and he says 'it's a shame we haven't met yet, I could have brought it round', so I say well you were going to tell me what day was good but you never did, so... , thinking he would say he'd been really busy with work or whatever, which I would have been fine with. But then he replied to say 'oh shit yeah, I forgot! One day next week?'

How can he have forgotten?! We've been texting every day! Surely if you are keen on a girl, you don't forget to make a date?! I just texted back saying 'that memorable, huh? Wow.'

AIBU to think he's a bit of a flake who's not that interested, or should I give him the benefit of the doubt that he's just genuinely a bit useless at dating and agree a date?

OP posts:
Original poster
L8rAllig8r · 19/05/2011 18:46

I think (with the emphasis on think!) that he meant, if we had already met prior to today, he would have brought it over as a sort of second meeting. It didn't read to me as though he wanted to do that instead of a proper first date. I can't be sure though, that's the trouble with texts I suppose, so easy to read different meanings into the words. I really just don't know which way to go! My heart says risk it but I don't want to make another mistake.

I've never really just been on a date and then said thanks but no thanks. I've always ended up in a relationship with each guy I've dated that's not been quite right but hoping that things will improve. Just not knowing when to walk away. I've only realised this about myself in the last couple of years as I've had a lot of nights in alone to think about things!

I like this guy but I don't want to repeat the same mistake as always and overlook obvious flaws that should be warning signs. But on the other hand I don't want to give up too easily either.

Anyone got a crystal ball I could borrow?

OP posts:
northernrock · 19/05/2011 18:47

I think it's pointless to speculate what he is like and what he is thinking if you havent actually met him!

TheOriginalFAB · 19/05/2011 18:49

Suggest you meet for a coffee on the weekend?

jenga079 · 19/05/2011 18:49

I've never really just been on a date and then said thanks but no thanks

No, no, no, no, no.... you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince! Not literally you understand, but meet as many of the blokes as you can from the sites (don't mess around with texts and emails; you can't tell anything from that) and then see who you actually like.

My crystal ball says 'the right one is out there; don't settle!'

NettoSuperstar · 19/05/2011 18:50

Yes at meeting.
Another friend (not the cheese and biscuits one) does net date, but she makes the online connection, then insists they meet her for coffee in our town within the week.
From there she weedles out the ones who won't bother coming here, and those who just won't make an effort anyway.

Once she meets them for coffee, she decides whether she'd like to see them again or not.
Some haven't wanted to see her again, and some she hasn't.

Nothing lasting yet but a few further dates

She's having fun dating though and I love hearing about the odd guys!

(One turned up with a carrier bag full of holiday snaps, ans one kissed like a lizardConfused)

sausagesandmarmelade · 19/05/2011 18:53

If you insist on meeting him...why not give him a time-scale in your head.

For instance you could tell yourself that if he doesn't initiate that drink within the next couple of weeks....you'll let him go.

I would have several proper dates before letting him into your home...so that you can really get to know him.

There are lots of nice people out there wanting a proper relationship with someone lovely....
Don't accept less than you deserve! Don't come across as being too keen...and don't chase him.
My POV.....and of course you are at liberty to ignore it!

northernrock · 19/05/2011 18:53

Good idea. But if he keeps being flaky about meeting, I would move on.
Weirdly, some guys out there are only interested in a bit of text flirting, not actually meeting up!
My friend had an online "boyfriend" for two years!!

northernrock · 19/05/2011 18:54

About the coffee i mean.

NettoSuperstar · 19/05/2011 18:55

Actually, I would say no, no, never, to drink as a first date.
Always Coffee.

I don't think alcohol should be consumed when you are meeting a stranger.

Original poster
L8rAllig8r · 19/05/2011 18:59

All good advice, thank you everyone. I have replied to say that one night next week will be fine, up to him which night (as he has more evening commitments than I do). If he doesn't arrange something by next Thursday, I'll forget it.

OP posts:
northernrock · 19/05/2011 18:59

Oh God, no! You need a drink! (Not loads, but just to lossen up a bit.)
Otherwise it's like a job interview!

northernrock · 19/05/2011 18:59

loosen, I mean!

NorkyButNice · 19/05/2011 19:02

I met DH online - we are happily married 6 years later with 2 kids so it can and does work!

You HAVE to meet lots of people though, rather than fixating on one at a time and hoping you'll fall in love when you eventually meet. That way heartbreak lies! I went on lots of dates (always public place, friends knew where I was etc) and had 2 decent relationships before meeting DH.

As for borrowing a friend's dog or knocking on a fit bloke's door to ask for DIY help - that's a joke right?

NettoSuperstar · 19/05/2011 19:16

No for safety reasons I don't think alcohol should be consumed when meeting a stranger.

And also you may get a wee bit drunk, tell the guy you reeeaally like him, so have to see him again and then have to make up an elaborate lie about moving to Greece, like I my friend did.

But first I my friend had to have a few more dates with him.

I'm cringing at the memory of my friend.

Neil from East Kilbride, my friend is sorry, but I she was not attracted to you.

Original poster
L8rAllig8r · 19/05/2011 19:22

Haha! Poor Neil!! Moving to Greece is a good one though I'll just write that down

If we do go out (and I do mean IF, as he hasn't replied) I will be driving, so no drink even if I wanted to. Am such a lightweight since DS was born I'd probably come across as a mad drunk after one glass.

OP posts:
slightlyunbalanced · 19/05/2011 19:26

All those posters saying they met DH online and have never looked back - this is not what the OP is asking - I also met my OH online this is detracting from the fact that this guy sounds like a cock and like he is on the shagfest train that is the Internet.

northernrock · 19/05/2011 20:10

I dunno Netto. I mean when you mean a guy in a club (thems were't days!)you are drinking. But if the OP is driving it is beside the point I guess.
I don't know that these guys are always necessarily just up for a shag. I think some of them are just terminally weird!
I am volunteering now and meeting lots of different men. No-one fit yet, but I live in hope!

DoMeDon · 19/05/2011 20:39

Why do you never say 'no this is crap' after a first date? Do you find it hard to 'reject' people? Just asking as it sounds like you need to raise your expectations of behaviour. Think maybe you're looking to hard. I think net dating works if you're not pinning all your hopes on it.

FWIW I think you deserve better than this guy- someone keen enough to remember to meet up.

NettoSuperstar · 19/05/2011 20:41

Well yes, you are drinking in a club, but it's not a sensible way to meet men now.
I wasn't chopped up into little pieces, or raped, or anything else horrible, but I easily could have been as I wasn't sensible at all back then

Original poster
L8rAllig8r · 19/05/2011 20:52

Yes I do find it hard to reject people. I just seem to fall into relationships that aren't quite right and then waste a lot of energy trying to make them better before snapping and giving up, usually after a year or so. Not the case with DS's dad, things were still nit perfect but I wouldn't have given up for DS's sake, but he cheated so that was that. I have not dated at all since, but I finally feel ready and hopefully the time out has made me a bit wiser.

He has not replied still. Back to the drawing board I think :(

OP posts:
DoMeDon · 19/05/2011 21:02

It is only sensible to reject people who are not right for you. It is hard but it doesn't make you a bad person. It's a bit of a no-win situation- you won't reject them up front so you take on men who aren't right for you, then end up rejecting them (or them you) anyway.

Would you call yourself a people pleaser too? May be off the mark! If you are, maybe you subconciously choose men you feel you can 'help'. Fixer-uppers are never a good bet.

This may all be crap though - is only based on my saddo experience!

Original poster
L8rAllig8r · 19/05/2011 21:24

Yes I do try to be a people pleaser I suppose. I think I've just always wanted to meet the right one, but rather than admit a guy is not that one when I first realise it, I try to turn him into the one. This is by far the longest I have gone without a boyfriend since I was 16 (30 now) and it really has allowed me to find out a lot about myself.

He has just replied, asking if I'm free on Tuesday. I think I will go. Even if he's an arse, it will get me back into dating and try out my new saying no skills! Thank you DoMeDon and everyone else, it has been very useful. Glad I posted :)

OP posts:
CurrySpice · 19/05/2011 21:36

NorkybutNice

"As for borrowing a friend's dog or knocking on a fit bloke's door to ask for DIY help - that's a joke right?"

I don't think it's a joke. I think it is bonkers and misguided genuine advice from someone who hasn't been single for a looooooong time :o

northernrock · 19/05/2011 21:49

Yay! Back in the game!
Just take it one step at a time and don't overthink it! (Easier said than done.)Grin

beesimo · 19/05/2011 21:52

No it isn't a joke I was seriously trying to help, mind I should shut up a bit as I've only had one lad and we got together when I was sixteen. Many many moons ago.

BUT I did used to read Jackie Magazine when I was 12ish, your not trying to tell me Claire and Janes Problem Page advice was crap are you!!!

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