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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have lunch with a male friend?

47 replies

Cuppa · 19/05/2011 16:02

serious Q - judgement clouded by fact dh had affair a few years ago. So if he was meeting so e woman for lunch I would be upset.

I go to a club, and am friends with a married couple there. The man works o ly a few minutes from where I live. He is an it specialist and I've asked him to help me a couple of times, which has meant I meet him at his work to drop off/ collect something and we've grabbed a quick drink ( bottle of coke) in the next door supermarket.

Recently I had some very good news, and he sent me an SMS saying well do e and can he buy me lunch to celebrate.

So, I do not have any 'interest' in him, I like him and his wife and I know they are happily married. I Gould Be unhappy due to history if dh met female friend for lunch. Can I take this at face value or AIBU to have lunch with male friend?

OP posts:
Vallhala · 19/05/2011 16:05

Of course not! My closest friend is male, has been for over 30 years. He's never been a threat to my relationships nor I to his... we're just mates!

Go, enjoy, and congratulations on your good news.

badmummy101 · 19/05/2011 16:08

totally fine, mention it to the husband, purley as you admit you wouldnt be happy if the situation was reversed.
you are doing nothing wrong.

beesimo · 19/05/2011 16:13

Personally I wouldn't have lunch on my own with a male friend mainly because it would cause 'talk' as we all live in each others pockets round here.

If you have the freedom to have one and one meetings with male friends good for you go for it. My DH would have a fit and the mans DWs friends would give me evils for oh at least 10 years!

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 19/05/2011 16:15

YANBU as long as your hubby knows. Personally I wouldnt as for a start DH would hate it and I dont particularly want him going to lunch with a female friend.

But yeah, as long as everyone know and no one minds then go and have a lovely lunch.

cannydoit · 19/05/2011 16:18

no a problem so long as its not all clandestine and stuff.

Oblomov · 19/05/2011 16:20

I think it is very sad that we are even questioning this. Of course it is o.k. to have lunch with a male friend.
Mind you, re Op, are you sure you don't have an interest in him ? Its a bit different if someone has lunch with a male friend that they've been friends with for 10 years, compared to someeone they've just met at a club. I guess if his wife doesn't mind, you shouldn't.

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange · 19/05/2011 16:28

I often had lunch with male work mates never even crossed my mind it could be seen as something else.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 19/05/2011 16:31

I find this really sad too, actually. Can't imagine living in a place/way where socialising with someone of the opposite sex would cause 'talk'. I have male friends who are not particularly friends of DP and so I see them alone. And likewise with DP's female friends who I'm not particularly friends with.

It's not the nineteenth century for Gawd's sake.

justpaddling · 19/05/2011 16:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Cuppa · 19/05/2011 16:36

I've known them for a couple of years. Actually don't know if I dare tell dh.

OP posts:
Tommy · 19/05/2011 16:42

if you need to be able to "dare" to tell your DH, then you shouldn't go....

Insomnia11 · 19/05/2011 16:46

I used to have lunch with my ex-boyfriend every now and then as he only worked across the road from me. He was in a new relationship as was I and DP now DH didn't mind, or didn't say if he did.

beesimo · 19/05/2011 16:47

There are a lot of old biddies in Yorkshire and the joy of their lives is speculating, remarking and yakking about 'strange goings on' as in Mrs B was seen in Harrogate with Mr C.?????? Was she still alive my MIL back on the farm would of know about it by the time our food had arrived.

The only way to stop em talking would be to shoot em and you can't get away with doing that (unfortunatley).

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 19/05/2011 16:50

If you need to be able to 'dare' to tell your DH, then you need to look at your relationship with DH!

beesimo, but do you really care about 'people talking'?

worldgonecrazy · 19/05/2011 16:52

It depends on your relationship with your husband and whether you're bothered by gossip. I meet male friends/colleagues for dinner sometimes, usually if I'm having to stop over in London or elsewhere, but me and DH have a completely trusting relationship so he always knows about it. Neither of us have any problems with gossipers.

wannaBe · 19/05/2011 16:53

I have always had more male friends than female ones.

I find it very sad that people have issue with this.

I find it even more sad that these arrangements somehow need to be clarified/passed by the dh first - why? Do you ask your dh's if it's ok to have lunch with female friends? no? then why is having lunch with male friends different?

Mollymax · 19/05/2011 16:54

It should not make a difference if this friend is male or female, if you have no romantic interest in him.
But, if you are afraid to tell your husband, you know there is something not quite right.
If you are friends with him and his wife, why don't you invite them both for dinner one evening.

Rannaldini · 19/05/2011 16:55

depends if you are noshing him

beesimo · 19/05/2011 16:58

Lady

Yes I do care about people talking I wouldn't want to upset my family or fall out with people over something as unimportant as having a meal with a random man friend or not. I protect myself from gossip because believe me malicious gossip can ruin lives.

Vallhala · 19/05/2011 17:05

"if you need to be able to "dare" to tell your DH, then you shouldn't go.."

Shock Are you serious Tommy? Shock Hmm

I'd be far more inclined to say that if you need tp be able to 'dare' tell your DH then you shouldn't remain in the marriage to him.

Beesimo, that's really sad. My best friend is like a brother to me - I can't imagine not seeing/lunching with him. In fact, he's staying over here next weekend and beyond as we have a few days/evenings out planned. If people in this village talk... so what!

aldiwhore · 19/05/2011 17:12

I'd retain the moral highground and inform dh that I was having lunch with such and such, or had been for lunch with him.

Transparency.

Give the fact your DH had an affair (not judging) he probably won't like it, but should appreciate your honesty and you being up front about it as 'the cloak and dagger' game is one he played and if you don't tell him, alarm bells may ring if it ever comes up in the future.

Original poster
Cuppa · 19/05/2011 17:16

I don't dare tell him cos I know he'll have the hump about it. But as I started off saying, his affair clouds everything. I now would feel jealous and angry about him having lunch with a female colleague, which is why think he would have the hump about it.

I don't invite them both round cos dh doesn't like them.

I am not noshing nor have any plans to nosh. The hurt fro. His affair is still so strong I wouldn't even consider something like that myself.

You don't think him asking me is dodgy?

If I went for lunch with a female friend I wouldn't mention it either. I met up with 4 friends today and haven't mentioned it. It's not a dodgy secret though.

OP posts:
create · 19/05/2011 17:24

I often have lunch with a male friend/colleague and people do talk. That's up to them and if we can make their lives a bit more exciting, we have a good laugh about it, but I have never been anywhere with this man that DH doesn't know about (DH might not actually have been listening, but he's been told Grin )

I agree, with aldi and Vallhala, you need to tell, not ask, but it mustn't be a secret. You also need to make sure your friend's DW knows (perhaps by casually mentioning the invitation when you next meet at club?).

It's an old cliche but if a friendship has to be secret you shouldn't be in it.

You also need to be prepared for your DH to think what's good got the goose...I understand why you wouldn't be happy for him to meet a female friend, but also think he would be right to think you very unreasonable if you objected.

BelfastBloke · 19/05/2011 17:33

FOR FUCK'S SAKE!

EssexGurl · 19/05/2011 17:39

When I was 17 my best friend was male. We were the talk of the sixth form common room and sniggered at when we went out together (platonic 'went out'). I take it that you are no longer at school? Then why should you not go to lunch with a bloke?

I would suggest that there are trust issues in your relationship that are making you question this. The 'should I go to lunch with a man' dilemma is a cover for the need to have debate about your marriage.