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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have lunch with a male friend?

47 replies

Cuppa · 19/05/2011 16:02

serious Q - judgement clouded by fact dh had affair a few years ago. So if he was meeting so e woman for lunch I would be upset.

I go to a club, and am friends with a married couple there. The man works o ly a few minutes from where I live. He is an it specialist and I've asked him to help me a couple of times, which has meant I meet him at his work to drop off/ collect something and we've grabbed a quick drink ( bottle of coke) in the next door supermarket.

Recently I had some very good news, and he sent me an SMS saying well do e and can he buy me lunch to celebrate.

So, I do not have any 'interest' in him, I like him and his wife and I know they are happily married. I Gould Be unhappy due to history if dh met female friend for lunch. Can I take this at face value or AIBU to have lunch with male friend?

OP posts:

COCKadoodledooo · 19/05/2011 17:42

It depends of you're meeting for lunch or [exaggerated air quotes] "for lunch"

Not BU to meet him, but imo YABU to not tell your husband. You wouldn't even mention it in passing? Really?

Fleurdebleurgh · 19/05/2011 17:43

Im going on holiday to Amsterdam with a male friend (also my husbands friend) in september for 3 nights and we will be sharing a room, and possibly some hookers.

Its only lunch, do it.

aldiwhore · 19/05/2011 17:46

If he gets the hump its because, by his actions, he'll never be able to innocently have lunch with a female friend again, thats the price he paid.

You've not had an affair, therefore you are still able to have lunch with who ever you damn well please without it looking suspicious.

Thems the breaks. If he gets the hump, remind him of that. Or just say 'tough' and flounce.

ilovesooty · 19/05/2011 18:03

Can't believe anyone in this day and age thinks it's ever questionable to go for a platonic lunch with a friend of the opposite sex.

flyingspaghettimonster · 19/05/2011 18:23

I'd only do it if I knew it was fine with his wife. In my experience men have no problems with their wives going for lunch with a male, but women get jealous of it. I probably wouldn't go anyhow, or suggest we make it dinner and invite the spouses. I would also limit texts between us except as required... no need for any awkwardness. But then, I am a jealous wife so I am looking at it from her perspective...

ilovesooty · 19/05/2011 18:24

Why should women be jealous or have a problem with it?

BlooferLady · 19/05/2011 18:27

Blimey.

What Belfast says.

I think this says a lot of sad and uncomfortable things about your marriage/relationship with your DH, OP. I cannot believe you would be 'daring' to tell him something

TidyDancer · 19/05/2011 18:29

I think you should tell DH, but I also think you need to work through some stuff in general with him. I don't mean to sound judgemental, and I'm not devaluing the effect he had on your trust re the affair, but he should be able to have lunch with a friend, as should you.

But no, YANBU to go eat with a friend. Gender of said friend should mean fuck all.

ilovesooty · 19/05/2011 18:30

Well said, TidyDancer

MrsDaffodill · 19/05/2011 18:32

As long as you'd be happy for your DH and his wife to know, or join you, then it is absolutely fine.

I always worked in almostly entirely male workplaces. DH the opposite.

If he hadn't lunched with women, and I with men, we would have had a lot of lonely meals.

funnybumblebee · 19/05/2011 18:35

I used to have a very close male friend and we socialised a lot together. My DP (now DH) knew and didn't mind but if I am totally honest, there was something more than platonic friendship between us. I knew he was hiding it from his wife. Nothing untoward happened and it kind of fizzled away after I got married. But I still feel quite bad for his wife. There's nothing wrong with lunching with a male friend, but only you know if he is just a friend.

scottishmummy · 19/05/2011 18:37

you needn't apply your dh dubious past morals to yourself
just because he is incapable of platonic friend doesn't mean you are
go meet pal and enjoy

TattyDevine · 19/05/2011 18:39

I go for lunch with male friends. Hell, I have even used to meet up from time to time with an ex for lunch or after work drinks.

The rules really are that you tell your DH and invite him along if he wants.

I did both those things. Sometimes he'd join us, sometimes not, but he wasn't worried either way as he knew it was all out in the open and there was nothing more to it.

Heifer · 19/05/2011 19:09

another one who doesn't understand the problem.

I've just asked DH if he would be miffed if I went to lunch with a male friend of ours, and he said depends how much you spent!!! - (we are skint).

The same applies to him, I wouldn't think anything wrong with him meeting an ex collegue etc. So no issue in this house...

MrsSnow · 19/05/2011 20:00

If you hide it or fail to mention it to either your DH or his DW before the event I think it is unreasonable as you say you are all friends. If it was the other way around then obviously you would want to know too.

Oblomov · 20/05/2011 11:12

OP = "If I went for lunch with a female friend I wouldn't mention it either. I met up with 4 friends today and haven't mentioned it. It's not a dodgy secret though."
Ahhh. well, this may be where you and i differ. Because when dh comes home we tell eachother the monotonous details of our day. School office phoned because ds blah-blah-blah. And actually going to lunch with ANYONE , would be social interaction highlight, for weeks !! Dh got taken out to lunch by the CEO and had scallops and I was so pleased for him, so incredibly jealous, we joked about it for days. Sad that we are !!

DontCallMePeanut · 20/05/2011 11:15

3 of my closest friends are male.

If any bloke tried to stop me going out for lunch with them, on the basis they owned a penis, I would hit the roof.

Nancy66 · 20/05/2011 11:27

Can I be blunt - it sounds like you have a very unhealthy marriage. He's already cheated and you're too scared to tell him about an innocent lunch with a male colleague.

I couldn't live like that.

I have male friends, DP has female friends - lots of them - and we just get on with it with no trust issues

waterrat · 20/05/2011 11:53

agree with people here who think this is not a great sign for your marriage. You need to trust each other - I completely trust my partner (and I have had major trust issues in the past - so it didn't come easy) - he would think I was bonkers if I 'asked' if I could have lunch with a male friend. You need to get trust in him back to a level where he can have female friends too - it's not mended if you still would be unhappy about that. This is not taliban land is it? we can all have lunch with who we like as long as it's innocent.

naughtymummy · 20/05/2011 12:30

Another one who thinks it is fine to meet up with male freinds for lunch or drinks or dinner. But you must tell dh and be aware that said bloke may notconsider it innocent as you do. I would time limit it the first time eg: Love to meet for lunch but will need to get kids by 3 IYSWIM . I hope you have a lovely time, we all need friends !

chubsasaurus · 20/05/2011 13:55

I find it crazy that going for lunch or dinner or drinks with a man could ever be a problem. I go out with other men all the time, if DP minded I'd consider him a controlling untrusting arse.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 20/05/2011 15:55

beesimo, you say it best yourself; having lunch with a man is 'unimportant'. It's no one's business but yours.

If your family love and trust you then they won't listen to gossip.

If people are gossiping about you you shouldn't worry about falling out with them, you should cut contact with them.

Agree with Belfast, Bloofer, TidyDancer and all those checking the calendar and wondering if we've found a wormhole back in time.

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