Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my sister-in-law doesn't like me

79 replies

isthisrude · 19/05/2011 13:52

When we are invited to stay at my brother and sister-in-laws, my sister-in-law often goes out, and in the evening she?s been known to sit in a separate room to the rest of us. When she is with us, she feels very free in advising me on where I am ?going wrong? with my children, or commenting on their behaviour.

She comments on how many times we use the toilet or how much bathwater we use so we try to share the same bathwater when we stay and I?ll wait till we go out to go to the loo. When we visited at Christmas, we were asked to bring a bag of coal with us for the heating.

The worst was this last visit. My sister-in-law is a social worker, working with children in custody disputes. At breakfast, she asked my daughter (who was sitting on her dad?s lap) a question about dresses. My daughter is shy, went quiet and looked to me for a lead, so I answered for her, with ?Is that right, DD?? at the end.

My Sister in Law responded by saying out of the blue that, if we were visiting her in her professional capacity, she would award custody to my husband, as my daughters response showed that I was an overcontrolling mother. She went on that if she were our social worker, it would explain why my children are so backward in their social development. To wrap it all up, she said that, in her professional capacity, she wouldn?t be surprised if my husband went off with a dolly bird.

I feel very upset. I don?t know what I could have done to make her say it. I think all the signs are that she hates me, but I don?t know why. AIBU?

OP posts:
breatheslowly · 19/05/2011 18:44

I'd tell her that it is really sad that her children may not be able to see their cousins as their mother is a toxic c*nt. Actually I would go very passive aggressive. I'd also suggest that you contact her employers and mention to them that she is breaking confidentiality and you are concerned that she may be doing this to more than just you.

scarletfingernail · 19/05/2011 18:54

Don't go and stay with her again. She makes it obvious she doesn't want you there and you don't want to be there either. Next time you're invited just say "no thanks, let's stop this pretence that we all want to spend time together when we don't really." And give the above examples of how unwelcome you've been made to feel in the past. You'll either get to the bottom of why, or give her something to reflect on. I can't imagine how she can excuse herself for being so rude. It's definitely something which needs confronting IMO. You don't want your DCs to grow up witnessing SIL trying to humiliate you every time you see her.

If your brother chooses to be with someone like that it's a shame, but more fool him. Your brother can visit you without her in future if it comes to it.

Serenitysutton · 19/05/2011 18:56

I think you should tackle her one On one. Go over or emailif it's too far. Highlight the problems and ask her to explain them. Tell her you are keeping it between you and her for now, to see if you can resolve it now before more people get hurt.

The reason being I think she is unhappy; either she doesn't like you, she wants to drive a wedge or she's just a nasty peice of work, but it's clear she's insulting you to get a reaction, you just ignore it so the insults get worse. She thinks they havent worked- she's probably thinking you have the hide of a rhino!

Stop it now, confront her and find out WTF her problem is. Then decide what to do

Andrewofgg · 19/05/2011 19:56

The Russians have a proverb which translates as

With husband's sisters
Look out for blisters.

'Twas ever thus, so live with it!

vivi12 · 19/05/2011 20:36

Don't stay there again if you can help it. She's not rational or reasonable. It's nothing to do with you - she's just like that.

SpeedyGonzalez · 19/05/2011 20:40

Why have you not stood up for yourselves? This woman sounds extraordinarily horrible, but it sounds like both have you have let her bully you.

UrsulaBuffay · 19/05/2011 20:41

I don't know why you visit the horrible moo.

tigitigi · 19/05/2011 20:53

What a horrible woman - just agree with her.

your children are developmentally backwards " yes they are it is such a shame that they are only able to do xyz, clearly we will need to speak to their teachers about keeping a closer eye on this as you are the first person to say something but now you say it I really do notice it"

your husband will run off with a dolly bird "yes i'm sure he will, its a big worry"

you are a controlling mother "very kind of you to point out - i'll keep an eye out for it"

Once she realises you are not rising to her bait she will calm down a little = works every time.

HumphreyCobbler · 19/05/2011 20:58

how incredibly worrying that she is a social worker

you are a saint not to have told her to fuck right off

Fran57 · 19/05/2011 21:06

Depends on the relationship you have with your brother - sort it out with him, without acknowledging your SIL. Tell him you will see him without her if necessary, unless she changes her behaviour. Life's much too short to have people like her bringing you down. Believe me - I've been there, and it's very, very painful. Good luck.

Inertia · 19/05/2011 21:06

Blimey, she sounds very unprofessional. And an utter cow.

If at all possible, can you try to arrange meetings on neutral territory, so the brothers/ cousins still get to meet? I'd avoid her house though.

The social worker stuff would bother me enormously- surely case information should remain confidential? And if she offers "professional advice " again, call her on it - "Blimey, is that really what you'd advise? Really? Crikey, what are the consequences of you getting things so spectacularly wrong in a work situation? I'd imagine there are quite a few successful appeals against you, yes?"

Lindax · 19/05/2011 21:09

This sounds exactly like my SIL who is also coincidently in social work! She gets worse with a drink in her (which is often). Backhand critising of everyone, their parenting skills, their children and even her own children when they are in the same room. Very friendly but patronising tone, like she is trying to help everyone by imparting her information.

The classic was when she stood her daughter up in the room in front of many family members (including uncles and grandad) and said "does anyone notice anything different about xxxxxx?" - {pause while everyone looks at xxxxxxx} - "look! she's started growing boobs!". What sane minded person would do that to their own daughter?

We don't visit - too stressful.

Original poster
isthisrude · 19/05/2011 21:25

OMG Lindax. It's like you have been in the room. She does exactly that.

On the Friday night, she was talking to me in front of her (just 15 year old) daughter, saying that it was so funny because she had let her have her boyfriend stay overnight and that found in the morning that they had spent the night in the same bed. And how she had had to take her to the doctors and have a serious word with her. And wasn't it funny because he'd been voted the hottest guy in school. In front of her mortified daughter.

PS. Sorry - general apology - my first post wasn't very clear. It's my brother-in-law and sister-in-law we are visiting (my husband's brother and his wife).

OP posts:
manicbmc · 19/05/2011 21:33

What a twat! I'd be reporting her to social services Wink

Thank god my social worker is lovely.

porcamiseria · 19/05/2011 22:35

another to say DO NOT stay with this beeyatch, life is too short!

vivi12 · 19/05/2011 22:35

My BIL was married to a monster whom we tolerated for his sake for a few years. Thankfully he saw sense and they split up. Just keep quiet and keep your distance. My ex SIL was really pathetic and rude - commenting in a quiet (but I could hear) tone about my clothes, my hair - all that kind of thing. All I wanted was a good relationship with her but for her own reasons she couldn't do that. Just keep your dignity but I would be saying to my dp that I don't enjoy staying there and I would like to avoid it in future.

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/05/2011 23:07

"I do worry about her being a social worker. She has told one too many stories of how one parent or another was begging her to change her mind about custody and how she wouldn't. It's almost like she is getting off on it."

Bloody Hell! That goes above and beyond being a cow. I would seriously consider contacting her employer about that. The damage this woman could be wreaking on families is massive.

Hatespinkcantcook · 19/05/2011 23:19

She sounds like a complete nutter! Ignore and avoid

BitOfFun · 19/05/2011 23:35

What kind of over-pious social worker lets her 15 year old daughter have a boyfriend sleep over? Seems rather contradictory.

WinkyWinkola · 19/05/2011 23:37

Loon.

parno · 19/05/2011 23:59

I would have knocked her out....in my professional capacity.

sephrenia · 20/05/2011 00:18

Grin parno I'd cheer you on while you did it.

It's bitches like the OP's SIL that screw up families. I'd be reporting her to her boss with a 'professional' manner like that.

aurynne · 20/05/2011 04:53

YABU to have to ask. Her doesn't liking you is obvious (and an understatement).

pigletmania · 20/05/2011 05:22

My goodness your SIL sounds less than professional, so her shit doesn't stink does it. If I were you I would not go round there, noway would I put up with that nonsense.

pigletmania · 20/05/2011 05:31

She does not sound at all professional, more like a total utter twat. She gets away with saying crap because you let her, you need to be assertive and all rally round together, because apart from your BIL nobody seems to get on with her.