To think that my sister-in-law doesn't like me

[isthisrude]

When we are invited to stay at my brother and sister-in-laws, my sister-in-law often goes out, and in the evening she?s been known to sit in a separate room to the rest of us. When she is with us, she feels very free in advising me on where I am ?going wrong? with my children, or commenting on their behaviour.

She comments on how many times we use the toilet or how much bathwater we use so we try to share the same bathwater when we stay and I?ll wait till we go out to go to the loo. When we visited at Christmas, we were asked to bring a bag of coal with us for the heating.

The worst was this last visit. My sister-in-law is a social worker, working with children in custody disputes. At breakfast, she asked my daughter (who was sitting on her dad?s lap) a question about dresses. My daughter is shy, went quiet and looked to me for a lead, so I answered for her, with ?Is that right, DD?? at the end.

My Sister in Law responded by saying out of the blue that, if we were visiting her in her professional capacity, she would award custody to my husband, as my daughters response showed that I was an overcontrolling mother. She went on that if she were our social worker, it would explain why my children are so backward in their social development. To wrap it all up, she said that, in her professional capacity, she wouldn?t be surprised if my husband went off with a dolly bird.

I feel very upset. I don?t know what I could have done to make her say it. I think all the signs are that she hates me, but I don?t know why. AIBU?

I find her whole attitude rather sinister and worry about the children in her care, in a professional or personal capacity!

Never visit again. Send her my SIL instead, sounds like they'd be well suited. I was going to say you could come here and have as many baths as you like in return, but that would make me sound a tad weird and creepy.

Dear SIL

In my professional opinion you are an arse.

In my professional capacity it is clear that you have not a bloody clue what you are talking about.

If you were my social worker I'd tell you to fuck the fuck off and when you get there fuck off some more.

Much loveandkissesmwahmwah

IsThisRude

Who, In the name of all things chocolate covered does this bitch think she is?! Firstly she sounds like a very dangerous social worker if that is how she assesses parents, Secondly she sounds like a complete and utter nut case for even thinking these things never mind saying them out loud. She has a god complex (very common when lunatics like her get these kinds of jobs) and she does not possess a professional capacity.

Honestly if I were you I would not have my children near such a disturbing person! Don't go back, and if she ever says anything like this put her firmly in her place. You don't owe this woman any explanations in how you raise your children!

BTW I wouldn't go back either and I would tell your brother why.

Out of interest, what did your brother say? What has your husband said since you got home?

you sound daft for putting up with it

husband sounds daft for being a drip and not saying anything

she sounds daft all round

She sounds vile. It doesn't sound like she likes you much- don't lose any sleep over it though as it's her issue not yours.

Cut her off. Seriously. Life is too short for people like this. Why put yourself through all that for someone who treats you like shit? Why allow her to insult your DC like that? She'll dent their self esteem talking about them like that. Just tell your brother you'll see him but without her as she is a horrible, nasty person. (This is assuming your brother is a nice person and not a prized cunt like his wife)

She's my brother-in-law's wife. Once our children were out of earshot (which wasn't til the evening), we had a good long talk about it. He is as shocked as I was. I think my brother-in-law was oblivious to it, as he wasn't at the table.

To be honest, we have been putting up with it up until this point, as my children love their cousins and my husband loves his brother. We are worried that my sister in law is trying to drive a wedge between my BIL and my husband's family and we don't want that to happen, because despite my SIL's best efforts, we all like each other.

Does this socially inept woman have children of her own? As for sharing the bathwater and asking for bags of coal - is she re-living WW2?

As it's your brother's wife the remedy is in your hands, and I see no reason why should you accept any future invitation to visit/stay or have any further contact with her.

If your brother or other family members ask you to reconsider simply say that, having put up with your SIL's lack of hospitality and downright rudeness for some considerable time, her last comments finally took the , and you won't be responsible for your actions if you are required to be in the same room as her.

Obviously she has a vastly inflated sense of her own importance, and I feel immensely sorry for any family in conflict that has the misfortune to have her involvement in determining outcomes.

Don't be upset or waste your time wondering why your SIL directs her poison at you because quite clearly the woman's toxic - end of.

and and !!!!!

Promise everyone on here, that you will never let your kids anyway near her again. And for your own sanity stay away from her as well.
Whatever her problem is ,you dont need to involve yourself with her.
Your kids will think shes something special that you have to be so nice to her while she is so......wierd.

I actually have to post again I'm that disgusted! Is she like this with any other family members? Are you on good terms with your MiL?

Somewhat confused as you wrote 'brother and sister-in-laws' which lead me to assume that you were talking about your brother's wife.

In any event, the same applies except that it would be more fitting for your DH to refuse any future invitations while making it clear that he's more than happy to meet up with his brother and his dcs who will always be welcome at your home.

I appreciate that you may be concerned that making a stand could bring about the very thing you've been trying to avoid, but if you continue to tolerate your SIL's ungracious and unacceptable behaviour she'll be free to rile and torment you ad infinitum.

The alternative is to sit down with your DH and agree to pull her on every outrageous statement she makes in relation to your family until she gets the message (pointedly laughing at her misguided views would be a good start), and ask him to have some serious words with his brother to the effect that his wife should leave her (un)professional hat at the office and keep her opinions to herself.

She sounds like a total twat and very rude.

I would have told her that 'in her professional capacity' she actually gets to award custody to no-one, it is the courts to decide. Social workers are pretty much powerless without the courts backing, they can only make recomendations.

She sounds like she's on some sort of powertrip, presumably because she's actually a very insecure and unhappy person.

Don't stay there again.

God complex or what, I pity the families who are on her books.

She sounds deranged tbh, stay away.

What a loon! The easiest thing to do when you're unsure about yourself is to rip the back out of someone else. She sounds jealous, insecure and completley unprofeesional. Keep the kids in contact by arranging meet ups on neutral ground - theme park, zoo etc - and steer well clear of her. You sound lovely and deserve much better.

the fact that your DD felt awkward speaking to her 'aunt' speaks volumes about her professionalism, or utter lack of it. sil sounds revolting!
maybe her manager should know how she speaks to family members?

The problem is that if you refuse to stay there again that she will have won because she WILL be driving a wedge between her husband and his family. You cannot let her win.

She sounds unhinged to me and very weird. It sounds as thought BIL is shocked too, so you need to continue visiting and continue having him see her make these comments. Then as her husband he can help her deal with these issues.

Even IF and I mean even IF she had a point (i.e. some of her views were justified in that you are 'controlling') then it is not 'professional' for her to have mentioned it anyway. You have not sought her advice and she is not your assigned social worker. I am not one, but I am absolutely positive that a 'professional' social worker would never cast their opinions about custody etc. about a couple who are still together and weren't asking any bloody advice.

She sounds hideous. I would definitely do as you please when you visit and ensure that BIL knows exactly how twisted she really is.

Very sorry for you, I will never think bad thoughts about my SIL again, she seems like an angel compared to yours!

PS is she very jealous of you? Or your family unit? Or do you think it is all DH's family. Also, I wouldn't stand for rudeness about your in laws and would shut her down every time she tries something like 'actually I'm very fond of in laws, we have enough negativity from you, you would be wise to only open your mouth if you have something nice to say which will certainly give us some peace and quiet'. (Well I'd love you to have the balls to say that anyway)

Really?

In my professional capacity I think she's a CUNT

Bin her, don't go there, drop her entirely.

ohfuckohfuckohfuckduck
You did very well to wait till the end of the drive before you started swearing.
I would never ever see the woman again.

Fucking bitch!!!

Your brother should tell his brother what she said.

I always think that when someone who works in social work/as a nurse etc gives their "proffessional" opinion outside of work, especially unsolicited they should be disciplined for it (if you were to make a complaint for example).

No one in that position should be telling other people that they "in their proffessional opinion" shouldn't have custody of their own kids and criticising their parenting. I think it is unproffessional (ironically) and is an abuse of their role.

Wow. Social Services are really struggling for staff these days aren't they, for her to be employed. As someone else asked - is she newly qualified? A desk jockey? She sounds useless at her job.

If she is trying to drive a wedge in, then the only thing you can do is thwart her. That means staying with them again. But next time, don't be polite. When she's rude, call her on it. That lovely phrase I've seen advised on MN many a time - "That was rude. Did you mean it to be?" Do not pander to any requests (coal etc) that you consider to be unreasonable. Persevere.

Do you think it possible she may have mental health issues, or is she just unpleasant?

I think you may be right Whereyouleftit. If we do stay again, I don't think I have any option but to pull her up on it, because I can't have her dissing the whole family in front of the children. I think

I have pulled her up on our previous visit. We'd had some family photos done and she said "Oh that's a very flattering shot of you - it doesn't look like you at all. You look quite slim." I said that that was a backhanded compliment and she'd have to sit at the other end of the table if she carried on.

I do worry about her being a social worker. She has told one too many stories of how one parent or another was begging her to change her mind about custody and how she wouldn't. It's almost like she is getting off on it.

Oops accidentally deleted a bit there. The end of the first para was going to read:
'I think "That was rude. Did you mean it to be?" is a very good way of picking her up on it, without starting a row.'