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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to give my sister money as her wedding present?

46 replies

Loie159 · 19/05/2011 13:40

My little sister is getting married later on this year. We are very good friends but she is nearly a decade younger than me. She has mentioned that her and DP are going to ask for money for their wedding. I know some people dont mind this, but it is a pet hate of mine. They are not asking for contributions for a honeymoon, but they actually want the money to do home improvments in a few years........ They both have good jobs and are well paid and have not long moved into a new build house. So Im not sure what they would spend it on. I have said diplomatically (I hope!) that some people are offended at being asked for cold hard cash paid into a savings account, because some people feel that they are "judged" on the amount they give. I know a lot of people seem to do this now, but as I am older than her by nearly 10 years when I got married / my friends got married no one really did this. Have things changed that much that people arent bothered doing this now or do some people really get upset by it. I dont want to give her the £££ as what happens if her friend gives her more than I do? I would rather buy her a personal gift / something I know they would love etc. But is that just me trying to force my own opinion on it - should I just give her cash? Please let me know your thoughts as I am really interested in others opinions on this.

OP posts:

olderyetwider · 19/05/2011 13:43

If you don't want to give cash then just buy them a present that you think they'll like. I wouldn't get involved in the issue of what they ask everyone else for, you've said something, so I'd leave it at that

Sarsaparilllla · 19/05/2011 13:47

If they want to do home improvements then how is that materially different from someone asking for pots/pans and a toaster if they don't have a house yet?

I don't understand why people have an issue with giving money tbh but you don't have to, buy her something if you want to but make sure it really is something they'll want/love

loler · 19/05/2011 13:47

Your situationwas exactly the same as my sister a couple of years ago. I voiced my concern then left it that. But I did say to her/sort of ask her, that I wanted to buy them something special for the house as I love seeing the present people chose for us everyday and remembering that person.

I bought her a lovely (i think) tasteful personal present that is displayed in their living room (or might be dragged out when I come around but at least they are remembering me everytime they do it!)

shefliesthrutheair · 19/05/2011 13:49

It is a tough one, and I can see your point - it feels impersonal and mercenary, but it sounds like creating a home is what will really make them happy, and their wedding is about them.

How about a compromise - maybe a voucher for BandQ or, a bit posher, habitat, or even posher, liberty??

chumble · 19/05/2011 13:57

When I got married, having lived together with my partner before hand, I gave out a wedding list and very few people followed it. So I think it is up to you.

Interestingly a friend of mine got married recently and she asked for money. When I got married she told me that she had not wanted to buy anything on my list but bought me something she liked instead!!! I returned the favour with her when she got married and bought her something I thought the 'couple' would like.

It is not obligatory to buy a present at all and if you do not want to give money then don't that is your opinion and that is ok.

The suggestions of a voucher seem a good one and a compromise perhaps?

switchtvoffdosomelessboring · 19/05/2011 13:58

I'm getting married soon and i'd prefer if everyone gave me money. Why? Because then I can buy stuff I actually want. We are planning on using any money we get to replace the kitchen floor, buy a new telly for the kitchen and a heated towel rail for the bathroom.

I've not asked for money, if anyone has asked me I've said buy us whatever you want, which is a code for include the reciept or give us the money.

toughdecisions · 19/05/2011 13:58

I think the fact it is your sister not some work colleague means a personal gift would be a fair & more meaningful choice on your part. If they want to buy things for the house why not take her/them out to buy an original picture/ceramic/lamp? None of these has to be very expensive if you go to local galleries.

FoofffyShmoofffer · 19/05/2011 13:59

Yabu - Give her the money.
Despite your feelings on it surely it's better to just give her what she wants than something she will chuck in the back of a cupboard.

bubblecoral · 19/05/2011 14:02

Don't give something that you don't want to give is the simple answer. I don't like being asked for money instead of a gift, although I have done it. But I regretted it, and I would much rather gracefully give something that I wanted to give that the recipient would like, rather than grudgingly give money and have a bad taste about it.

I agree a voucher would be a nice idea if you don't want to completely go against your sisters wishes, but would prefer not to give cash.

hannahsaunt · 19/05/2011 14:10

SIL asked for money. We gave a gift. Dh was v uncomfortable at giving his sister just a wodge of cash for an occasion that is so significant. She (and her dh) were fine with that and we bought something that they wanted instead.

ohfuckohfuckohfuckduck · 19/05/2011 14:11

I am old.

And when I got married a million years ago, I didn't even have a list.

(To be fair we didn't have a house first and we are now divorced but I digress)

We ended up with 7 kettles.

So, I kind of like a "vague" list - we want a kettle, a toaster, not we want this specific toaster from this specific shop costing £367.99

But I hate hate hate hate giving money.

I was brought up that you got what you were given and were grateful. It's the thought that counts etc etc

I would buy her something nice that you think she and her husband to be would both like.

I would not give money.

I gave my BF her saucepans. We went out together, she chose them, I paid. She uses them every day and when I'm round for dinner I still smile (20 years later) when she drains the pasta or mashes the spuds in the saucepans I bought for her and her hubby.

vess · 19/05/2011 14:14

You are her sister, you don't have to follow the rules she's made for everyone else. Even if she'd like money from most guests, she'll probably be happy to receive a personal gift from you.

Original poster

Loie159 · 19/05/2011 14:17

Thank you everyone. They do alreay have a very posh new build and I just felt worried that if they asked for money "for home improvements" some people might judge her a bit harshly as they earn a lot and have a new house..... I love her and I dont want people to be critical of her choices.
We live in a city where there are amazing galleries etc so I think I will buy them a painting / and next time I go to their house have a snoop to see what colours would be best. Vouchers are a good idea too - for some reason that doesnt feel as bad as £!

OP posts:

chelstonmum · 19/05/2011 14:21

My sister bought my wedding cake when we got married a few years ago. I am returning the favour when she gets married next summer. x

thetideishigh · 19/05/2011 14:22

Are there any power tools thy need for their home improvements ?

Friends of ours had drill/sander/wallpaper steamer/spade/fork/set of screwdrivers etc on their wedding list.

I happily bought them a rechargeable cordless drill/screwdriver combo thingy, seemed little different to a juicer, toaster or slowcooker really in terms of being a useful household useful item.

Dancergirl · 19/05/2011 14:23

I always think presents are about the receiver not the giver. I would rather give something someone really wants, even if I'm not keen on the idea myself.

Home improvements are expensive but the results can be amazing. And long-term. You'll get more use and appreciate more an extension/new kitchen/whatever than a glass vase.

Unwanted gifts are such a waste of money. I'm not saying this would be you but would you want your gift sitting in the loft/given to someone else or used and enjoyed? Your sister doesn't want to end up with 6 breadmakers and then not afford to do the extension.

I would give your sister money if that's what she wants. You can always give her a small (token) personal present too.

aldiwhore · 19/05/2011 14:25

I'm 7 years older than my sister but I'm not sure what that has to do with anything?

I'd give her some money, and buy her a small gift as well.

Each to their own. I don't care if someone judges me on the amount I give, that's what they're getting, its what I can afford, and its what they wanted.... I usually do include a small gift as well if I think the person will like it as I don't personally LIKE giving cash.

sausagesandmarmelade · 19/05/2011 14:27

Personally I think it's incredibly bad mannered to ask for money....BUT I do accept that many couples choose to do this, but tend to soften the ask with a sickly poem (urghh).

Hubs and I deliberately did not ask for a thing when we sent out our invites...we didn't want people to open the invite and see a request for a gift attached. However, people were determined to give us something and everyone without exception did. Most gave money...others photo frames and really thoughtful gifts.

If I was in your position I would just do what you want to do....buy a gift if you want to or give vouchers/money.

bibbitybobbityhat · 19/05/2011 14:27

Asking for money as a wedding gift is a hideous practice. And you end up in the absurd situation where people with little money are giving cash to someone with more money. Its a huge bugbear of mine.

If you already have everything you want for the home, why not put champagne or plants or theatre vouchers on the wedding list if you must have one?

You may like to quietly point out to your sister that there will be people who judge her for asking for money. Oh yes there will.

sausagesandmarmelade · 19/05/2011 14:27

and again....I don't see where the age comes into things AT all!

Dancergirl · 19/05/2011 14:27

If they're going to judge hard cash, they will also judge how much gifts cost. People generally know the approx price of most things unless it's something really obscure.

bibbitybobbityhat · 19/05/2011 14:28

Lovely idea about the wedding cake.

Original poster

Loie159 · 19/05/2011 14:30

Aldiwhore - I meant that being nearly 10 years older than her, is this somethign tht people feel ok doing now? when most of my friends got married no one asked for money at all, but now it seems to be something that lots of people are doing. So its not because she is younger, but becuase things seems to have changed between my friends and her friends gettign married. I wanted to know if people get offended at being asked beacuse I dont want her to be judged for asking for something if lots of people would be embarressed / annoyed / offended etc. If everyone posted back saying that they thouhht it was the devils work to ask for money then since we are close, I would consider broching the subject with her again.

OP posts:

Balsam · 19/05/2011 14:35

Can you get a photo of their wedding venue and get it artfully blown up to hang on their wall?

Aside from the asking for cash thing, which I hate, I would also raise an eyebrow at a couple in a new build wanting money for home improvements.

Original poster

Loie159 · 19/05/2011 14:35

Loving the idea as well about the wedding cake as well ! That is wonderful.
Bibbity - that is my thought as well, tbh I have judged people who ask for money (sorry but I have, I know its wrong to judge people esp when you are friends but I dont understand why people think its ok to ask for money). People dont go round saying "please come to my birthday / childs christening / xmas party / wedding anniversary and dont bother with some flowers, nice book, candles, etc just give me the cash", so why is it ok to do it for a wedding?
But I know some people really do want the money to do something useful, but I always worry it will end up getting spent on worming the cat.

OP posts:

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