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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to give my sister money as her wedding present?

46 replies

Loie159 · 19/05/2011 13:40

My little sister is getting married later on this year. We are very good friends but she is nearly a decade younger than me. She has mentioned that her and DP are going to ask for money for their wedding. I know some people dont mind this, but it is a pet hate of mine. They are not asking for contributions for a honeymoon, but they actually want the money to do home improvments in a few years........ They both have good jobs and are well paid and have not long moved into a new build house. So Im not sure what they would spend it on. I have said diplomatically (I hope!) that some people are offended at being asked for cold hard cash paid into a savings account, because some people feel that they are "judged" on the amount they give. I know a lot of people seem to do this now, but as I am older than her by nearly 10 years when I got married / my friends got married no one really did this. Have things changed that much that people arent bothered doing this now or do some people really get upset by it. I dont want to give her the £££ as what happens if her friend gives her more than I do? I would rather buy her a personal gift / something I know they would love etc. But is that just me trying to force my own opinion on it - should I just give her cash? Please let me know your thoughts as I am really interested in others opinions on this.

OP posts:

IloveJudgeJudy · 19/05/2011 14:51

I quite understand what you mean about what would happen if you gave less than her friend. I definitely would give her a special something, not money.

chelstonmum · 19/05/2011 18:10

I really appreciated the cake. Everytime I see my pictures etc I think how thoughtfull it was of her and her fiance to do such a nice thing.... not to mention the general support in the lead upto and the day itself.

I would have hated money from any of my siblings, the thought and time that goes into a gift means much more. My sister even flew abroad to watch our kids for 3 nights to we could have a 'coupley moon' in the middle of our family honeymoon! x

sc2987 · 21/05/2011 21:42

YABU. The point of a present is to please the receiver, not the giver. If money is what she wants (i.e. what will make her happy), give her the amount you would have spent on a present, or nothing at all if you don't like the idea.

If you really want to give her something physical, you could also make her something edible, like some preserves she likes; that's a lot more personal than buying something from a shop.

sleepingsowell · 21/05/2011 21:55

Actually the point of a present is for the giver to choose something that they wish to give the receiver. It is not about the receiver getting exactly what they want. If they want to get specific things then it's up to them to get them.

but this is why I've always hated wedding lists.

A1980 · 21/05/2011 22:10

I wouldn't either. I had this issue with my older sister a few years back. But she's different to your sister. My sister and her now DH are selfish brats when it comes to presents and always have been.

They have a big house, good jobs, two cars, two lavish holidays a year, etc. They asked for money for their lavish honeymoon in one of those sickly poems on their invite. I said I was looking something really thoughtful for them and told them waht it was. She was really rude saying we don't want more crap in the house .

I'd just had it. It was the cumulative effect of everything they'd done. In the past they've always said "we'll tell you what we want" for birthdays, xmas, etc. When my sister has found out I've already bought their christmas gift, she asked to text a picture of it to her and she replied and said I don't want it and she sent me a picture of what she did want. I bought her Angel perfume once and when she opened it her face fell as she wanted Angel Innocent and not original Angel. She asked for the receipt. I once bought her Tiffany earrings, I know her tastes and the colours she likes, they were epxensive. She didn't like them and was pissed off that she couldn't return them as they were pierced earrings.

Leading up to her last birthday before the wedding, she was telephoning and texting me constantly about having changed her mind about waht she wanted. I finally bought her what the fuck she wanted and then she called me to say she'd changed her mind.

So the wedding was the last straw. She ended up getting nothing, then nothing for Christmas, nothing for birthday, nothin for next Christmas, etc. Now she gets a card. I don't get anything either but I'm not as materialisitc as her and don't care about getting stuff.

Anyway, I've written an essay. If you don't want to give cash don't. You're not obliged to do what they want.

A1980 · 21/05/2011 22:16

Also what of this infamous thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1204996-To-be-really-really-hurt-at-a-friends-reaction-to-her-baby-gifts?msgid=25433705

This was deemed extremely selfish of the babyzilla! I know it's a far worse example but how is it any less rude to tell people in this situation exactly what you want and reject out of hand other gifts guests may want to give.

MrsLevinson · 21/05/2011 22:28

I agree with sc2987. I gave my sister cash for her wedding and she saved it all up and did some much needed home improvements. It was the only way she could have afforded it and I was pleased to give her something she really wanted, rather than a present that could potentially have ended up being clutter. Surely it's about what the recipient actually wants?

cat64 · 21/05/2011 22:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

sayithowitis · 22/05/2011 01:00

Well, I guess it comes down to whether you want to give an amount of cash (however large or small) that you know the recipient will use to buy something they really want and will use, or whether you would rather choose something you think they would like, but take the chance that they may hate it and it will end up in a bin or at the local charity shop? I would rather give the amount of cash that I would have spent on a gift, since the other option has the potential to be a complete waste of my money. I also think you have to be very careful about saying you 'know' somebody else's tastes. Especially when it comes to things like art/ornaments etc. My DSis and I couldn't have more difference in our tastes, but occasionally, just occasionally, we find something we both like and we are always surprised to find that we like the same thing. Unless you are very, very sure, I would stay away from buying anything like that.

fatlazymummy · 22/05/2011 08:25

I would give cash if that is what the couple want, and as long as they haven't been demanding about it. To me giving a present is for the benefit of the recipient, not to make me feel good. I only buy gifts if the person specifies what they want /gives a list ,otherwise I give cash/vouchers.

livinginazoo · 22/05/2011 08:57

I just don't get what the big deal is?

spidookly · 22/05/2011 09:17

I don't give money as a "gift". It would feel particularly weird to have money as a gift either to or from a sibling.

If you're worried about it looking tacky if she asks for money from wedding guests - just make sure she's only giving that message to people who ask. Sending invitations with attached begging letters is hideously tacky and very rude.

A present is not "about" the recipient (whatever that might mean), it is a gesture, a kindness and the person choosing and presenting the gift is just as crucial a part of it as the person who is touched and grateful at the thought and effort that went into it.

Demanding cash so you can buy stuff for yourself misses the point if a gift entirely.

Wirlies · 22/05/2011 09:18

It's hard. We don't have lots of money, so I often plan in advance and catch a lovely present when it is in the sales. I find the whole cash thing difficult because you can't hide behind it !

I do think it's different nowadays - 10 years ago no one would think about asking for money - now the weddings I've been at recently, they're asking for money for this, or money for honeymoon. Personally, I don't like it. Although obviously I can see the benefit to the couple !
We got a lot of vouchers when we got married - prefer that. Less chance of it just being put into a general fund and spent on petrol...!

sodiumion · 22/05/2011 09:47

I asked for money towards my honeymoon at my shotgun wedding, but only if someone asked.
I dont see a problem with someone asking for money, though I'm a bit if they've obviously spent £25k on the wedding...

diddl · 22/05/2011 11:03

I think asking for money is awful tbh.

Even if couples have lived together, & have everything-isn´t that just too bad for them?

emilylebla · 23/05/2011 12:03

Why don't you try some home decor stuff like vases, pottrey clocks etc...try visiting www.potterymarket.co.uk for really good gift ideas.

InTheNightKitchen · 23/05/2011 12:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsCampbellBlack · 23/05/2011 12:58

I just don't actually care.

Most weddings I've been to in the last 10 years and have had a John Lewis wedding list so everyone knows exactly how much you've spent anyway.

And I am not a fan or ornaments etc so wouldn't have wanted lots of stuff like that personally.

Having said that - we didn't have a list at all.

exoticfruits · 23/05/2011 13:12

I think that the relationship is close enough for you to be honest. Just tell her that you would prefer a present and ask her what is most useful.

Blondeshavemorefun · 23/05/2011 13:34

i dont see the problem

im happy to give cash or vouchers or buy off a list

it is still the same amount of money i would spend

tbh cash is much eassier and least the couple/your sister can get what they want

MackerelOfFact · 23/05/2011 14:35

I wouldn't give cash to a sibling. You've obviously been buying her presents for years and know her taste. Perhaps get her some kind of 'experience' - tea/meal for two, hot air balloon ride, something like that? That way it's not 'stuff' but it's still a nice gift?

I don't like giving cash and I think it's cheeky to ask, but I've found it can be an easy way to give something useful to someone whose tastes you might not be familiar with.

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