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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to hate my sister for walking out on her kids

69 replies

Rosyloo · 19/05/2011 02:53

Hi. So i'm 6 months pregnant with my second kid and I could never fathom doing to my kids what my sister did to hers. She walked out on them, and her youngest daugter was hit the hardest. She went into depression for 10 years, all of her childhood basically, had recurring dreams about her mum's funeral, was bullied etc. She seemed to get things back on track- I live in Leicester and she's at university, so I tend to keep track of her via my ex brother in law (her father). Recently I found out that during the summer she miscarried. Now, why she was even pregnant at 18 is beyond me! Anyway, the miscarriage apparently hit her hard, and despite hiding the pain, I know she must be feeling all the crap she felt when her mum walked out. Anyway, recently, as in this year, she had a major health scare and she sunk into a short but sharp depression, and she was told that she could intercalate, but for her, being at university symbolised her victory over her mother, and that she has beaten the odds. She has a few people she can talk to, and I spoke with her the other day for the first time in ages, and I can't help but feel that behind the smile, the pain she feels is still there. Does anyone know how I get through to her on a personal, emotional level. I mean, I've had a student come to me after their mum died recently, but this is very different. Any ideas people? And do I have a right to pass judgement on my sister for this?

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BelovedCunt · 19/05/2011 11:11

i am guessing you were probably quite young when all this happened? sounds like a sad situation all round. good luck

Eurostar · 19/05/2011 11:17

Rosy - if it helps, sounds like your sister did the best that she was able for her DC in that she left them as she was incapable of looking after them and treating them with love. It's very sad that she was like this and she couldn't be helped at the time, so leaving was the best perhaps of a number of undesirable choices.

That's all in the past though. How do you get on with their Dad now? Can you perhaps talk with him and be around at family occasions? The last thing she needs is guilt towards him as perhaps she knew of the court ban and that being in touch with Mum's side of the family was bad? The other thing she needs to hear probably over and over is that this was nothing to do with her, her Mum didn't leave because she was bad or unloveable but because she was ill herself.

Rosyloo · 19/05/2011 11:18

No please don't feel bad! You were right. Yes, my sister was 31 and I was about 20- big age gap! I'm going to try and forget my own judgements and just be there for her- because I want to be there when she gets married, has children, achieves all of her hopes and dreams. And looking at how far she's come already, I know that she's only going to make everyone prouder than they are already :)

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Rosyloo · 19/05/2011 11:22

I don't really have a relationship with her dad- I just try to check in with him every now and then, because I do still love the girls and their brothers- I need to be their aunt!!
Yes- i guess talking to her about how she feels would be a good start and reassure her that nothing was her fault, if anything, she was as brave as hell!

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Selks · 19/05/2011 11:31

Rosy, you need to accept that you may never understand why it happened. That won't affect your relationship with your niece though. Just focus on being there for her in the here and now.

Jaspants · 19/05/2011 11:36

Rosy no advice but well done for acknowledging that you could have handled things differently and for wanting to be there for your niece now.

nothingnatural · 19/05/2011 11:46

Rosy, good luck with supporting your niece. It sounds like you have very good intentions now, however sad and problematic the past situation was.

Have I missed something, is your sister still around somewhere?

Also don't beat yourself up about the past, sure things could have been different but you are a mum now and probably your understanding of the situation will change - both an increased capacity to forgive/understand your sister (she must have been in an extremely hellish and painful mental state) and a better ability to relate to your niece.

Good luck.

Rosyloo · 19/05/2011 12:00

yeah- she's still alive. She's getting better from what I hear, and she recently contacted her kids which threw them off track! I guess they want anything to do with her, and I will support whatever decisions they make!
Thanks for your kind words

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Bluemoonrising · 19/05/2011 12:08

I want to echo what others have said, and say that I am very very impressed with you, after coming back after reading everyone's post and looking at things from a different angle.

It is something rarely seen on here, most people come on and don't want their view on life changed in any way whatsoever.

Well done, stay strong, I'm sure that with you around your neice will prosper.

Rosyloo · 19/05/2011 12:17

Bless you! I needed to hear all this. Maybe now I can be the Aunt she always needed :D

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Salmotrutta · 19/05/2011 14:04

Whilst I appreciate that a mother walking out is a major trauma for children, I do feel rather bad for your sister in all of this - has anyone from the family been watching over her at all? She must have been going through hell too?
Without going into detail I know someone who was in this situation very many years ago (when divorce was very unusual and men held all the power) and it was the only avenue left open to her. But it had huge repercussions for her mental (and physical) health.
Be careful you don't project your feelings about your sister onto your niece - how she feels about her Mum is for her to sort out and you should only be a good listener.

Salmotrutta · 19/05/2011 14:06

And I do know that it must have affected your nieces/nephews - honestly - but presumably your sister was desperate?

PaisleyLeaf · 19/05/2011 14:10

If she was abusing them, then just perhaps, her leaving was the best thing for them.

Salmotrutta · 19/05/2011 14:14

Yes, PaisleyLeaf but the OP said her sister suffered from mental health issues and I did wonder if her famiy had sort of distanced themselves and no-one was trying to help the sister?

I don't know - a distressing situation Sad

PaisleyLeaf · 19/05/2011 14:32

I know Salotrutta - it sounds like she just wasn't getting the help she needed and maybe did what she thought best (for the children) and she might not have been wrong.

Salmotrutta · 19/05/2011 14:34

Yes - poor woman may well be desperate to build bridges now but that's not always meant to be is it Sad

Rosyloo · 19/05/2011 14:42

OMG....you're right! I never really considered her in all of this! I just assumed! Maybe I need to reassess myself. I mean, my niece is kind of getting over it, it's just i'm worried because anything could set her back ages. I mean, my niece is amazing at singing- she has got such a soulful voice and it warms my heart, but I can't help thinking that she sings to her mum in her head. Maybe i'm wrong.
Maybe I was wrong in not understanding my sister, but I was only young and at university myself when this all happened. I feel at a loss- what do I do? Do I try to understand both? I know that right now I need to be there for my unborn child, but I feel like I have a duty towards my niece to do the right thing by her! is just listening the way forward?

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PaisleyLeaf · 19/05/2011 14:46

I didn't mean she wasn't getting help she needed from you personally Rosyloo. More, partner? GP? Medication? Parenting help? Health visitor? etc Some sort of professional help.
If she was locking the DCs in cupboards etc. and then she left. It sounds like something's gone untreated.

Salmotrutta · 19/05/2011 14:50

Well, you should of course look after yourself (congratulations on pregnancy by the way! Smile).

I would take your lead from your niece - let her talk if she wants to and try not to judge your sister too harshly especially if you don't know what she has been through. She may have been to hell and back. She may feel awful guilt.
Just be there for your niece if she wants you to be.
I'm guessing that maybe being pregnant yourself has brought all this to the fore?

Rosyloo · 19/05/2011 14:56

Her husband left after years of mistreatment, and tried to take the children, but she was paranoid he wouldn't bring them back that she didn't let him see them which is so tragic.
yeah samotrutta you are right. My first child, I never felt any of this, but I suppose because I am now sort of in contact with my sister's family, I know what's gone on and I feel like I've let them down- she mentioned a tutor at university when I spoke to her who she said helped her a lot, but who she didn't really feel she could talk to anymore for fear of wasting her time. I want her to know that she'll never be wasting my time, but how do you tell someone that's been soo neglected and abandoned by their mother that you don't mind listening to them? She doesn't believe me when I say it! Ahh...I hope she finds the light soon, I really do!

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Salmotrutta · 19/05/2011 15:03

Just keep the lines of communication open - call her for a chat every now and again, ask about her course, what she's doing at the weekend etc. arrange to meet up for coffee.
Eventually, she will open up in her own time when she sees you are in it for the long haul. Smile

Rosyloo · 19/05/2011 15:08

yes that sounds like a great idea! I'll call her this weekend- she's got a hospital appointment- i'll ring her and check in! Thanks girls.

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Insomnia11 · 19/05/2011 15:32

Do you know where your sister is now Rosy? You sound like a caring person, trying to do the best thing FWIW.

Nixea · 19/05/2011 15:39

Rosy - I really have nothing constructive to add but I wanted to say your follow-up posts really impressed and moved me. I think you're handling the change of mindset in a really wise way. I really hope that doesn't sound patronising as it really isn't meant to but I've not been this impressed by anyone's attitude in such a long time. Well done you and I wish you and your family all the very best for moving forward. :)

Rosyloo · 19/05/2011 16:00

Thank you! I do hope my family gets through this- my nieces and nephews need to have a normal family life!
Insomnia11- We weren't allowed to see her for years- her orders! Now, I have no ideaa!

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