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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my MIL to have frequent, prolonged holidays at my house

39 replies

ajuba · 18/05/2011 22:53

MIL lives abroad but since we've been married comes over every couple of years and stays with us for between 3 and 6 months. I hate this but am never consulted on her visits. DH and MIL both think that she has every right to visit her son as often as she pleases and to stay as long as she likes. DH thinks I'm unreasonable and selfish to have a problem with it. I don't particularly like or respct her for a numberof reasons and don't see why I have to tolerate these long visits. It is my home too and I should have a say in these matters. AIBU?

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 18/05/2011 22:54

six months????? bit of a piss take!! does she contribute towards the living costs and bills?

horriblemotheragain · 18/05/2011 22:54

3 to 6 MONTHS! Bloody hell. That is a bit rich. I would say anything over 2-3 weeks is pushing it. Is she paying her way? If she's staying that long she can contribute to the council tax!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/05/2011 22:55

Let your DH do all the stuff for his mother then, all the extra cooking, cleaning, shopping, outings and so on. Tell him this now so that he can plan for it.... then sit back and enjoy your day's visit with your MIL on her boomerang trip. Grin

Vallhala · 18/05/2011 22:56

No you are NOT! Three to six MONTHS! Good grief, you can't call your house your own!

DH and MIL are very disrespectful of you and I would be fuming. No... I'd have told her straight that she consults and arranges with me TOO and that of she didn't like that she needn't visit at all.

Is it a culture thing? Or is MIL of your own culture and just rude?

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 18/05/2011 22:56

Is your DH your MIL's only dc/relative in the UK (if that's where you live)?

Is there a cultural element/expectation to add to your woes?

Inertia · 18/05/2011 22:57

Having any visitor stay for 6 months at a time would drive me batshit- hell, even DH is never here for 6 months solid and he lives here!

Of course YANBU. It's your home and your marriage and you are being sidelined- you and your DH are meant to be a partnership.

nijinsky · 18/05/2011 22:58

Between 3 and 6 months is more than a visit, its treating your house as second home/main UK residence!

hairfullofsnakes · 18/05/2011 22:59

Yanbu and I would leave your dh to it too

You need to put a limit on it as it is not fair on you

I suspect this is a cultural thing yes?

Original poster
ajuba · 18/05/2011 23:02

yes, there is a cultural issue. They believe the DIL should serve the MIL and not even question her coming to stay with her son. MIL thinks her son's home is her own home and just conveniently ignores the fact that I made a much bigger contribution to buying the house then he did. How do I get it through to DH that this convenient cultural expectation is wrong?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/05/2011 23:06

well, I do sympathise greatly, but I have a question

why didn't you realise these massive cultural clashes you have would be an issue before you got married ?

didn't you see the very same thing that is pissing you off happening all around you in similar families ?

and why is it convenient to you now to question it, because it doesn't suit you

I can see both sides here, but on balance, I think you are in the wrong

but then I wouldn't have gone into such a marriage with my eye closed in the first place

AnyFucker · 18/05/2011 23:07

my eyes

I do have two of them Smile

mitochondria · 18/05/2011 23:08

6 months isn't a visit, that's more or less moving in.

I don't know what to suggest, really - apart from what others have said - don't do any of the "serving" that is required while she's staying. That should be down to her son.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 18/05/2011 23:13

You're going to be arguing against centuries of inculcation and culturual/religious dogma.

Unless your DH is willing to cut the ties that bind, you're going to be on a hiding to nothing.

If you don't have dcs, or are willing to leave them in MIL's care, why not use some of the time to travel, do your own thing, or stay with friends for at least part of the visit?

Vallhala · 18/05/2011 23:17

All I can suggest is a very open conversation with DH, explaining that in your culture you do things differently and that you're not "conditioned" to act as women in his do.. and that after X amount of years as a woman of your culture you can't suddenly change to feel comfortable with his expectations.

Explain the issues... money? Different expectations of how you should act in your home and marriage? Childrearing ideas? Feeling hemmed in and "on your best behaviour" at all times during the visit? Obligations? Feeling that you can't treat your home as your own, have a lie-in, watch what you want on TV, wander around in your undies or whatever?

Ask him how HE would feel if the roles were reversed and try to get him to understand your POV.

LRDTheFeministDragon · 18/05/2011 23:17

So it's a cultural thing. But your DH and MIL should realize you have your culture too, surely?

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 18/05/2011 23:52

Do you share the same culture/religion as your DH/MIL, ajuba?

Do your DPs/other relatives live nearer to you than your MIL?

TechnoKitten · 19/05/2011 00:03

This is a few months every couple of years? Even 6 months every 2 years is 18 months of her not being there.

Damn right you're being unreasonable.

Her son is your husband. So I agree with them (regardless of culture) - he has every right to see his mother (and she to see her son) whenever and for as long as they wish.

I have always held the view that, having married her son, my mother in law is as much a part of my family as my father and siblings and my home is their home.

Who gives a rat's arse how much each person contributed to the deposit for a family home that should be as much his as yours? Or is he only welcome in 2 rooms because he contributed a percentage less?

Oh and for what it's worth - I am paying for our family home in it's entirety. And my MiL is due to come and stay with us for 4-6 months later on this year.

I would expect certain house rules (she contributes towards food, does her share of cleaning and laundry) as such a long term guest so if your mil expects to be waited on hand and foot for 6 months I agree she needs to be asked to contribute. I've had the opposite problem - mine would like to do more than I think is fair on her!

Agree with AF - why did you not consider this before marriage?

zipzap · 19/05/2011 00:21

What would happen if you were to invite your mother to stay for that length of time?

What would happen if you explained cultural differences and expectations as per previous posts, and then suggested a compromise - that she has had one visit according to her and your DH cultural expectations, that next time she has one according to YOUR cultural expectations - ie a long weekend a couple of weeks. And see how it goes... But at least it would be a step in the right direction of discussing compromise and that there are two different cultural upbringings in your marriage, that are both due equal respect and they are certainly not respecting yours.

OK so it doesn't get over the problem that she will still be coming over and visiting for longer than you'd like Grin but maybe if she could try a visit for a couple of weeks it would be survivable in comparison to the option of 6 months.

Did she come over to visit her ds like this before you were married - was there ever any hint that this was going to happen?

Completely agree that your DH and MIL are being unreasonable to expect her to stay for so long without consulting you. I'd hate it if anyone came and intruded on my living space for that long, let alone my MIL.

How badly do you think it affects you and your relationship - is it bad enough to threaten to split up over or to say that you want your MIL to live close by but not with you while she visits or that you would want you or your dh to move out as a result of the visit? Not saying that you would actually go through with this, but might it be something that you could threaten (dangerous game I know) to get your dh to realise how badly this affects you?

sahm3 · 19/05/2011 10:07

I am never ever complaining about occasional long weekends, with mine ever again!!!!!!!! the fact that my dh is never here when his mother comes speaks volumes to me that he cant put up with her!

EightiesChick · 19/05/2011 10:14

How far away does she live? I would cut more slack on this depending. We have relatives on the other side of the world and would expect them to stay longer.

While it's annoying to feel you have a guest in the house for longer than you would like, assuming she is going to come, what would you want to change about her habits/your DH's behaviour during those visits that might make them less objectionable?

diddl · 19/05/2011 10:16

Why is his culture more important than yours?

I think that in such a circumstance, it can´t be all his way or all yours & you need a compromise.

If his culture is so important, why is he in a different country to where it is the norm & has married to someone for whom it isn´t the norm?

He sounds like a bully tbh, as does MIL.

Surely MIL can only visit when & for as long as she pleaes if it affects no one else?

Fleurdebleurgh · 19/05/2011 10:21

YADNBU i hate it when my MIL stays for more than an hour....

QueenofDreams · 19/05/2011 10:21

I agree with AF (as usual) you went into your marriage aware of the cultural difference surely?

ChaoticAngelQueenofAnarchy · 19/05/2011 10:24

I agree with diddl. Why should his culture be more important.

exoticfruits · 19/05/2011 10:26

6 months is not a holiday-it is living with you part time!
Tell DH that you are quite happy, but only as a holiday e.g. 3 weeks max at one time.

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