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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want my MIL to have frequent, prolonged holidays at my house

39 replies

ajuba · 18/05/2011 22:53

MIL lives abroad but since we've been married comes over every couple of years and stays with us for between 3 and 6 months. I hate this but am never consulted on her visits. DH and MIL both think that she has every right to visit her son as often as she pleases and to stay as long as she likes. DH thinks I'm unreasonable and selfish to have a problem with it. I don't particularly like or respct her for a numberof reasons and don't see why I have to tolerate these long visits. It is my home too and I should have a say in these matters. AIBU?

OP posts:

TheSmallClanger · 19/05/2011 10:36

YANBU - if I was embarking on a 3 to 6 month stay in a country I didn't live in, I'd rent a house, not expect to live with others.
Could she afford to do a temp rent on somewhere close to you?
Actually, what would happen if you were to insist she stayed somewhere else?

aldiwhore · 19/05/2011 10:41

6 months is a long time, but its only every 2-3 YEARS she does this, so if it were me, I wouldn't mind.

Unless I didn't like her, which you don't, in which case it must grate, even if it were only for a week.

TrillianAstra · 19/05/2011 11:03

I am deliberately answering having only read the title.

YANBU to not want anyone to have "frequent, prolonged holidays" at your house. No matter who they are.

TrillianAstra · 19/05/2011 11:09

"my mother in law is as much a part of my family as my father and siblings"

I wouldn't want them to visit for 6 months at a time either.

But now having read I agree to some extent with AF. Did you not see this coming at all? Did you live together before getting married, discuss how to handle the differences in expectations of your families?

diddl · 19/05/2011 12:10

Well I do agree that maybe 6 months every other year might not sound so bad.

And depending on flight time/cost, it´s not always possible to do a couple of shorter stays instead.

And if space is no problem & she fits in with everyone else, helps out, contributes financially.

But if OP is expected to "wait on her"??!!

But as others have said-has this come as a total surprise, OP?

anonacfr · 19/05/2011 12:20

ANYONE showing up at my house without asking for more than 2 weeks would piss me off, family or not.

6 months is ridiculous.

QBEE · 19/05/2011 12:34

I think that if there has been a precedent set then to revoke your invitation now would be seen as being a bit arsey.

Would you rather she came for two months every year rather than six months every three?

kitbit · 19/05/2011 12:34

You are also potentially in a dodgy position regarding coucil tax, any benefits, income tax via benefits in kind, residency/visas if she's not resident in the country officially, etc etc. If she's at your house for more than 3 months in any 1 year she could legally be deemed as living there. If you rent this could cause issues withsubletting if she gives you money for her keep.

Whole minefield that you can accept or use to emphasise your point.

MumblingRagDoll · 19/05/2011 12:38

I had the same. My MIL rocked up once EVERY year and stayed for three months. I pointed out to DH that she was basically living wit us for a quarter of EVERY year!

In the end, I told MIL myself that her visits had to be shorter. She took it on the chin.

anonacfr · 19/05/2011 14:36

From the OP I get the impression that she doesn't give any money for her keep if she's expecting to be waited on by her DIL.

giveitago · 19/05/2011 14:48

It might be OP's cultural heritage too - but even if so, she doesn't have to like it.

I've had this- it's not just the length of stay is the being kept in the dark about when and how long - as a part owner of our home I would like know. But the single ticket thing is a nightmare.

Basically OP -the last time my mil did this I'd really had enough after 2 months (we have tiny flat and it meant we'd turned the place into a bedsit) - I just couldn't hold my tongue in that atmosphere so I just told here.

She only lives a 2.5 hour flight away and we go there twice a year so she needed to go home and prepare for our next visit!

However, if your mil is the other end of the world then I guess longer trips are in order - but at your convenience - not hers.

Why do people always say ' why didn't you see the cultural difference' - alot of cultural differences become apparent only once kids are born. Plus a cultural difference shouldn't cause huge upset where there's compromise and give and take on both sides.

anonacfr · 19/05/2011 14:50

Not just when kids are born- sometimes when couples get married.

Rhinestone · 19/05/2011 14:55

Hmm...I actually agree with both AnyFucker AND diddl!

You have been very naive to the point of stupidity and your DH is a selfish twat of the highest order.

I think you have some deeper issues here that will NOT go away. I'd think very hard before having DC.

EightiesChick · 19/05/2011 15:03

Agree with giveitago - not sure how helpful it is to be saying 'didn't you see this coming?' now. Presumably not! Plus we don't even know if there are these 'cultural differences' that have been assumed for most of the thread. What if the OP's MIL is (for instance) white British, has moved to Australia but simply fancies a long stay in her home country?

Would help if the OP returned...

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