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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my friend's DD would be better off at her father's?

56 replies

LoopyLiz88 · 18/05/2011 18:46

My best friend loves her DD but has no patience. She feeds the kid mc donalds nearly every night, screams at her for wanting a cuddle, and told her DD that it was her fault that he and her OH split up. Her DD's therapist suggested that she stay with her dad for a month. It is working great for the little girl. My friend says she wouldn't mind it being permanant as long as she could still get her maitenance. Her DD will be 4 at the end of August. Right now she has her DD every wednesday and every other weekend. I told my friend that she should keep this schedule because her DD is doing sooooooo much better.

OP posts:
Cocoflower · 18/05/2011 21:43

Babyhammock Im shocked.

DD dad pays nothing at all. A few years ago he tried to get me to sign some form so he could get a free 2 bedded flat as he was trying to claim dd lived with him!

He put it across as I would be the villian for getting in the way of his dream

And yet, fathers rights prevail in this country over the mothers and the childs! I guess thats a whole different thread though

babyhammock · 18/05/2011 22:50

You're right, they do prevail over the mother's and child's regardless

I've given up trying to reason with my ex. He was and continues to be extremely abusive so this sense of entitlement isn't that much of a shock to me.

I guess you must feel the same, given what you wrote :-/ x

Cocoflower · 18/05/2011 22:56

I refuse point blank to have any direct contact with him its too stressful. He is pure evil, and I mean evil.

Yet this 'man' who doesnt pay a penny and never sees dd and has caused so much ill to my family could have the ability and the power to stop us immigrating should we ever get the chance due to HIS rights.

Seriously thinking about starting a thread about the imbalance of fathers rights... hmmm

(Sorry to hijack thread)

babyhammock · 18/05/2011 23:10

''I refuse point blank to have any direct contact with him its too stressful. He is pure evil, and I mean evil.''
He sounds awful... I'm also getting to that point now with my ex and I feel pretty desperate.

You should definately start a thread on that. I will look out for it...

Cocoflower · 19/05/2011 09:02

Was thinking about it last night. Its really time the law on this was reviewed and attitudes changed. But its such a sensitive raw subject...

jeckadeck · 19/05/2011 09:39

you say she loves the little girl, but behaves in an appalling way and is apparently happy for her to be shunted off to live with her father -- and also thinks she should be entitled to maintenance? with great respect I think you may have a rather distorted idea of what love is if you think that constitutes parental love. The woman is either a greedy sociopath who shouldn't have had kids in the first place or going through severe depression. Either way, yes the kid is almost certainly better off with her father.

Snorbs · 19/05/2011 09:41

"And yet, fathers rights prevail in this country over the mothers and the childs!"

No, they don't. It's the child's right to see both of his/her parents unless there are very good reasons that should not happen.

If father's rights really did prevail in this country then a) you'd see a hell of a lot more than one in ten single-parent families being headed by a father, and b) I'd have had a lot more support in protecting my children from their alcoholic mother.

Cocoflower · 19/05/2011 09:55

Snorbs we have very different experiences. You cannot say "no they don't" because you have not walked in my shoes. I wouldnt wish my worst enemy too either. It has been a living hell at times.

This is an issue which, if I had let it could have destroyed my child and I. It is very sensitive for me.

However I do wonder if the issue more is about Absent parents rights, as oppossed to fathers/ mothers rights

This is not a sexist argument. This is about the family courts having a skewed view on immoral behaviour (such as alcholism we have both endured) when the rest of society its clear cut this behaviour is not benefical to innocent children, yet the courts are blind to this and simply see parents "rights"

stickytoffeepud · 19/05/2011 10:00

i think fathers get a pretty rough deal tbh

you see it on here all the time, the mothers think their views/opinions/demands for the child take precedence over the father's

imo a child is 50% a mother's and 50% a father's

stickytoffeepud · 19/05/2011 10:00

could have the ability and the power to stop us immigrating should we ever get the chance

so you would be happy for him to emigrate with your child if he wanted to??

Bonsoir · 19/05/2011 10:02

Your best friend sounds like she's in a mess. Why would she need maintenance if her DD went to live with her father?

serajen · 19/05/2011 10:02

poor little soul, hope she's having plenty of hugs with her dad, truly couldn't be friends with someone like this, although would want to be around them to try and check the little girl was ok

Cocoflower · 19/05/2011 10:09

Stickytoffee

See this where I disagree. I think a parents,any parents should earn their right, its not automatic.

I would rather die than let him bring her up alone. He would ruin her life.You have not met this man. You would understand if you did. Infact I often lie awake at night worrying what would happen to my dc if something happened to me . I cannot express how awful her life would be if she had to live with him.

Why should a man who abandoned his child, never sees her ever, pays nothing and has done the worst thing imaginable to her and I have a right to stop us doing what we want with our life? It would be purely out of spite if he tried.

squeakyjimbob · 19/05/2011 10:14

At least the mother concedes the child will be better off with Dad. For whatever reasons.

Snorbs · 19/05/2011 10:15

By framing it as a father's rights versus the rights of mothers and children for are making it a sexist argument. You are also implying that the rights of the mother always align with the children's best interests.

I strongly disagree. It's not a father v mother thing, it's how courts view the importance of a child's relationship with a non-resident parent of either sex. I'd absolutely agree that the courts often get it wrong but the reason they're getting it wrong is not to do with the sexes of the people involved.

Cocoflower · 19/05/2011 10:22

Snorbs however what you have to understand as I, as a woman only have experience of the unjust fathers rights. So my experience is confined to that.

But we are not disagreeing in essence- I pondered if it was infact not a father/mother right issue but absent (or immoral?) parent issue.

So really this should be an experience for us to find out what,as opposite sexes have had to endure.
Sounds like we both have been on the bad end of this does it not?

NulliusInVerba · 19/05/2011 10:26

"you'd see a hell of alot more than 1 in 10 single parent families headed by the father"

Actually, in reality, you wouldnt. Many men are more than happy to let the mother do all the work. There are alot of fathers who will happily bleat on about how the mother is less than perfect, but would never be a full time parent.

Of course there are lots of men who do care about their children and Im sure its quite difficult to get full custody, but when it comes to visitation fathers do not get a rough deal. My childs father is a waster, who has never sent her a single birthday card or paid a penny for her, but in reality if he went to court tomorrow asking for access he would more than likely get it. It's "his right". Even though that would screw up our family and he would mess her around.

Absent fathers get away with it day after day. And thats why I made the comment about the attitudes, because when a mother acts like this she is burned at the stake, but society just allows men to go off and leave their children. Its wrong.

Cocoflower · 19/05/2011 12:30

he went to court tomorrow asking for access he would more than likely get it. It's "his right".

Yes and I hate this, until you been through the fear it could happen at any time its hard to comprehend how awful this

WobblyWidgetOnTheScooper · 19/05/2011 12:47

Poor little girl :( YANBU at all. Hopefully the father would involve CSA - useless disorganised twats though they can be - and they'd force her to pay him instead.

We have a feeling that DH's DDs will want to live with us soon as they aren't getting on with his exW. However she does not want them to "because then we'd get her child benefit" Hmm nice to know she just sees her DDs as a source of income. At least they are teens now so they can make the decision themselves.

Still... Reading some posts on here and other threads really puts our issues into perspective. :(

QuackQuackSqueak · 19/05/2011 12:54

She sounds vile! Poor little girl!

Original poster
LoopyLiz88 · 19/05/2011 13:02

Her DD's father has his own set of issues but he does take time for the little girl and when he's working away his wife does too. As far as her paying maitenance I doubt it would happen. DH's ex pays 5/week for DSS and most of the time doesn't even pay that.

OP posts:
MrSpoc · 19/05/2011 13:22

Cocoflower - I can assure you that dads do not have more rights over the mums or children in this country.

It is so easy for mothers to stop dads having access then the dads have to drag it through the courts just to be told they can see their kids one or two days a week.

It is automatic that mums have the rights over the children until challenged.

Here is my personal example that happened to me.

Met X who had little boy, we then had another child together. I went back to work (she did not want me to work). I get home to find my stuff in the rain. I just got my stuff and went into the garage (I was emotionally abused by this women. We never had an argument at this point, it was just easier to go in the garage).
She text saying leave or I will call the police. I stayed in their trying to sleep. I then get the door kicked in by about six police officers. I explained nothing has happened. They said I had to leave. (even though i paid the rent and they are also my kids. I lived along way from friends & family but she had her mum and dad two streets away. Apparently the mum has every right to stay as she has the kids and I had to go out in the cold). What rights did I have?

KaraStarbuckThrace · 19/05/2011 13:51

I agree with MrSpoc.

A friend's DH had this with his exgf, she slept around and he left her when he found out she had cheated on him, then he found out she was pregnant. She claimed he was the father (DNA confirmed this) but she dragged him through hell and back as she made it clear that she was only interested in his money and not him developing a relationship with his child Sad He ended up having to pay £££££s for solicitors to get access and now has a fantastic relationship with his dc.

OP your 'friend' sounds hideous. I honestly don't see how you can be friends with someone who treats her child so appallingly Sad Of course she will be better off with her dad, I would love to see the expression on her face when she finds out SHE has to pay HIM maintenance and will lose CB!!!

babyhammock · 19/05/2011 14:07

I think what cocoflower is trying to get across is when the nrp ends up with a whole load of rights when they don't have, or want, any of the responsibility and regardless of the violence and/or emotional abuse inflicted on either the child or the resident parent.

MrSpoc · 19/05/2011 14:20

babyhammock - I realise what she is trying to say but her judgment is very clouded and not real.

The rights you are refering too are the rights of the child. If you wanted to take a child to live abroad of course the other parent should be able to object, mother or father. there has been reports recently where people have absconded abroad and effectivly kidnapped their own child.

Cocoflower comes across to me as the type of mother who see's things are not 50/50 between mothers and fathers and that mothers should have 90% of they say of how the child should be brought up. this is wrong.

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