...to feel a bit, I don't know, indignant?

[AvonCallingBarksdale]

Haven't done a threat in here for a while, so here goes. Indignant is probably too strong a word really, but anyway, here's the story. 5 old school friends arrange to meet up with partners and kids (known each other for about 20 yrs). 4 of the group have anything btw 1-3 kids and are all married. The other one in the group is very happily unmarried to her DP and, through choice, doesn't have kids. So, all able to make the agreed date, but friend without kids has said she'll come only on the promise that we talk about sthg other than babies and kids. This has stirred something in me, and I'm not sure what. I'm a mixture of
a) peed off that she thinks we've got nothing else to talk aobut
b) confused as to why she's got in straight away with this proviso
c) wondering if, in her shoes, I'd think the same
d) possibly a bit worried that the last few times she's seen us it's been as interesting as watching paint dry due to kiddie talk (surely not??!)

So AIBU? would you feel a bit miffed, or is it fair enough? Interested in opinions, cos I can't decide how I feel!!

thread obviously, not threat!

She's being weird. You can't meet friends and stipulate that they do not speak of their families! If she were an orphan would she say "No mention of parents please!"

YANBU.

Well, a bit of both really. Seeing as4 out of 5 of you have kids it is totally unreasonable and unrealistic to expect kids not to be mentioned....however, how boring for her if you are all gonna bang on about them all night long - she cant join in the conversation and will be bored to tears. Maybe this has happened before and she is just mentioning it so its not the same this time???

I love my DS to pieces but if I have a night out with the girls I dont want to talk about him all night long and then listen to their stories...but of course yes the kids are going to be mentioned.

Are you sure she doesn't have children by choice?

A woman at work made a similar comment to me the other day that she hates going out with a group of mums as all they talk about is their children.

Charming, isn't it?

Mind you, I remember when I was in my 20s and all my friends were buying houses and all they could talk about was frigging mortgages, that was quite dull.

I guess I'm panicking that I've turned into a dullard who's lost the ability to converse in a fascinating way on a variety of topics! On a night out, no, but this meet-up is going to be during the day with partners and kids, so it is going to be hard to avoid all mention of them!

I think I'd be replying saying that of course it won't be all talk of the kids, but there certainly will be some, because they are a huge part of everyone's lives and it is unreasonable to expect everyone to pretend otherwise.

Then she has the choice to go or not.

Imagine saying you could meet up but you weren't allowed to mention, I dunno - your job or anything about your job. It's really weird.

Or maybe you could say "My children will be there, am I allowed to talk to them, or should I pretend they're not mine?"

bugger. missed the off the end of that, and without it, it just reads far too bitchy.

Absolutely swallowedAfly! I'm not pissed off with her (known her too long for that!), just a bit miffed, I guess.
Guitargirl, good point. I can only go on what she's told us, that she doesn't want kids.
She's been a bit snippy in the past about people being sooo conventional as to get married. I come from it with the opinion that it's each to their own. Her choices aren't mine and vice versa, but that doesn't mean we haven't still got all that history that made us be friends in the first place.

oh, I thought she'd said to talk about things other than the kids and assumed that meant to not talk about them at all. OP - does she mean not at all, or just a mixture?

Bumfuzzle, she's said she'd like to come as long as we don't just talk about kids. I take that as talking about other stuff too. I think what irks me a bit is the assumption that we would only talk about the kids. I've had nights out with people who've spent a large chunk of the evening talking about their similar jobs, which are vastly different to mine. tbf, that's dull, so maybe I should say next time can we talk about sthg else as well! Maybe my friend is just as direct as I would like to be able to be?!

Ah, fair enough. misread that then. not just talking about the kids is fair enough.

Is she trying to tell you something, do you think?

That's what I'm worried about!!!

I can see her point. Parents with young children do tend to dominate the conversation with competetive boasting about their childs development.

When you are the only one in the group who doesnt have a young child, (as I am) it does get a bit boring at times.

I don't think she is being unreasonable. It is a horrible feeling to be in a group of people and not be able to contribute. You aren't bu to want to talk about your kids, but maybe steer the topic on to other things when she is present. It wouldn't hurt you to not, maybe think about books, tv progs, films, experiences etc you can share with her? I was one of the last to have kids in a particular set of friends and it can be alienating (although was the 1st with another set and that was alienating too). Maybe I am an alien, hmmm off to start a new thread!

I think she just sounds a little anxious that she will be left out.

I remember a boyfriend taking me to dinner with his friends. They had all been on a really long holiday together about 6 months before. It was all they talked about. I sat there feeling like a twat.
Perhaps she is feeling a little unsure of herself and a bit excluded?
I would probably feel a little nervous too in her position. And you have not immediately felt able to say ' how foolish- we talked about loads if things to do with her life last time'
So maybe she has a bit of a point?
Are you feeling indignant because she has articulated your own mild concern that you all talked about child related stuff - or at least stuff to do with your family based lives - last time.

She must want to come or she would make an excuse.
I would not be offended I think. I would just make sure I was as interested in her life as my parent friends.

I don't get how onyone can think they can dictate a conversation that's not even started yet, how controlling!
Surely she could change the subject or make a joke out of it is you did go on about your kids for too long in exactly the same way as you might if someone was droning on about their job/ holiday/ mortgage/ health, whatever really!
There was another thread along these lines recently and I was amazed that anyone could say " I'm only coming if you don't talk about X", if you don't like your friend's conversations, don't go!

Sorry I can see exactly where she is coming from. My kids are grown and flown and sometimes when I am at work and a goup of Mothers get together it's like competitive parenting: Difficult/easiest birth/child/schooling/teenage angst/exam results etc. Have to be reminded they are at work to do a job.

If I was in a cafe or pub with them I would be extremely p***d off to be invited then excluded from the conversation, and bored witless to boot.

FFS this is a social gathering of adults, can you no longer have an adult conversation about world events, the economy, latest releases or publications etc.

"Parents with young children do tend to dominate the conversation with competetive boasting about their childs development."

I think you get the prize for the most fucking enormous generalisation of the month there squeakytoy

OP - she sounds a bit prickly to me. I would laugh about her comment and disregard it tbh. If she doesn't like the company you provide she is welcome to jog on.

She said just kids. Why would she want to meet up and listen just to talk about kids? Unfortunately, once one Mum/Dad starts, the others all seem to have to 'keep up'. Its just the way it is. It is not wierd to want to talk about a range of topics. Especially not to want to listen to parents talk about their own DCs most of the time it IS boring.

The very way in which some of the responses on here don't understand this is probably exactly what she is worried about.

If someone starts talking about something and you join in that is not "boasting" or "trying to keep up", it's how conversations work.

People really can be obnoxious about other people talking about their kids, as if it's impossible to talk about your offspring without it being a competition.

As to the OP, I would have thought it a reasonable concern that with 4 out of 5 couples having children that children could come to dominate the discussion. Gently making the point that she would prefer to talk about other things too seems fine from an old friend.