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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DS either eat what is here or go hungry?

98 replies

TheLadyEvenstar · 18/05/2011 16:52

Last week sweetcorn was great this week he hates it
yesterday he wanted Pizza, today I have been lazy accomadating and ordered him a pizza for dinner.

Ham, cheese mushroom and sweetorn.

He is refusing point blank to eat it. AIBU to tell him thats all there is and he either eats it or goes hungry?

He is 12 and yes he has AS but I refuse to pander to his every whim.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 18/05/2011 17:18

Fabby no only after pizza was here.

OP posts:
cricketballs · 18/05/2011 17:19

TheLadyEvenstar - I ahve sent you a pm

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 18/05/2011 17:20

Cricket ty

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 18/05/2011 17:22

he wont starve missing a meal - if he is hungry he will eat it

dont cook something else

tomorrow give 2 choices of what he can have to eat and cook what he choses

cricketballs · 18/05/2011 17:23

campion - although AS children will not back down on the night, over time they do learn just as other children do what the rules are. I have found that it is worth a few months/years hard work/tears/stress in order for my DS to understand that rules are to be followed no matter what the rule. ( I also have another DS to think about who is not allowed to play this game, so I have ensured that both are treated the same for this sort of thing)

WowOoo · 18/05/2011 17:23

He might come around to the pizza. Ds huffed at dinner earlier but is now polishing the lot off.
I think you did the right thing. I hope so anyway. Sorry, i don't know much about AS.
Bribe him with favourite dessert? Good luck, mealtimes can be stressful.

purplepidjin · 18/05/2011 17:25

TLE, decide on some rules and stick rigidly to them. This will give him some sense of order in what is (to him) a massively confusing world.

You eat the dinner you're given, if you're hungry you get fruit.

No fighting, not even play fighting.

Shower or bath once per day, teeth cleaning twice per day.

Plus whatever else you think is absolutely essential. It may also help to have a routine - dinner is always at 5:30, you must be in your room at 7:30 kind of thing. I've worked with folk with AS so PM me if you like Smile

beesimo · 18/05/2011 17:26

You need to be firm about food, unless a bairn is allergic to something or it makes them throw up they should be able to train themselves to eat it.

Some food is delicious and we all have our favourites which we eat for pleasure and nourishment and some food is simply for nourishment.

Tinned sweetcorn is a valuable asset to you as a Mam it is relatively cheap and very good for them I would simply say to your laddo you don't hate it, its just not your favourite but you can't always have your favourite. When my GGrandad was on strike in 1928 entire families lived on tinkers broth that's stale bread soaked in hot water it expands in your belly to stop the starvation pains. If your lucky they might of been a bit of salt and pepper in it

Don't bring your bairns up to be weak little whingers you don't know what the future holds toughen the little bugger up a bit!

cwtch4967 · 18/05/2011 17:27

My son has ASD and food can be a real issue - he had a meltdown earlier because the banana slices were not the same size, one was bigger!
If you post on the special needs board I'm sure you will get a lot of answers from mums of AS children.

OryxCrake · 18/05/2011 17:29

I think you're right to give him the option to eat it or leave it in this instance, as he did like sweetcorn last week.

My DS1 has AS and he can really struggle with certain textures, such as roasted vegetables (finds them slimy and can't get them down) and tomatoes (fine with puree/ketchup, tho). This hypersensitivity to texture can sometimes be behind some weird-seeming food preferences in my experience.

But sometimes it's not about AS and they're just testing us! Good luck.

OryxCrake · 18/05/2011 17:31

Sorry - meant you're right to give him the option to eat it or go hungry!

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 18/05/2011 17:39

I know what the problem is - ME

I have gone through the guilt of him having been dx with AS and wanting to make it better.
Now I am at the point where I don't know how to deal with the outbursts mini or major.

For example I ended up yelling at him last night after asking him and then telling him for an hour to get a shower... this is the same most evenings. I am trying to stop him smelling sorry but he does sometimes he is almost 13 and sweats madly.

So I am now at the point do I give in and not face melt downs or do I stick to my guns as I do with DS2 who is 3.

OP posts:
LifeInTheSlowLane · 18/05/2011 17:42

It is so easy for everyone to say "like it or lump it" but with AS children it is not always that simple!! DS2 has Aspergers and is extremely particular about what he likes. As has already been said, textures can be bothersome, and even the way things are arranged on the plate!!

I always make sure DS2 knows exactly what he is getting beforehand so we don't have mega meltdowns at the table!! Yes, I often end up cooking different things for DS1 and DS2, but sometimes you have to choose your battles. Today I was doing salmon (which DS1 loves). I knew DS2 wouldn't like it so I offered him nuggets or boiled egg instead. Didn't have the energy to spend an hour trying to tempt him with the salmon Smile. He's also becoming increasingly fussy about the veg he likes, we are down to carrot sticks and baby sweetcorn. I am planning to introduce one new veg at a time, it's all about baby steps. Will he compromise if you tell him that if he eats half he can then have something else?

LifeInTheSlowLane · 18/05/2011 17:45

The problem is NOT you! Don't be so hard on yourself, sometimes it can be a real nightmare, have a Brew - or is it too early for a Wine? Smile

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 18/05/2011 17:45

He has said "I am not eating that or anything else, I will just eat in the morning"

we went through this a few months ago when he asked for scrambled egg I cooked it and he refused to eat it. I told him then if he didn't eat it then he would have it on his plate with his dinner. I did just that and he ate it with no problems. !

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 18/05/2011 17:47

lady dont give in over some things - AS children do need certian routines/structure so like purple said stick to guns about meal times/shower/bath and hair/teeth cleaning

so he needs to shower every day, tbh ALL teenage boys do and if not then he may start being picked on at school as smells :(

i do agree in pick your battles though

purplepidjin · 18/05/2011 17:53

Pick a time for him to have his shower, clean his teeth, put his pyjamas on and have hot chocolate/supper and get him in the routine of doing that every night. It's basic life skills and he needs to learn them thinks of a few folk who could have done with learning that when they were younger

If he has sensory issues, there might be a texture he doesn't like about the pizza - I've known people who would only eat certain brands of foods because they were just "different". The AS means he can't explain what's in his head, so you'll need to work twice as hard to get in there - which involves a fair amount of guess work Grin

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 18/05/2011 18:00

Purple he always always asks for and eats Pizza, I only buy it from one place and until today it has never been a problem. Hence my frustration.

OP posts:
LifeInTheSlowLane · 18/05/2011 18:02

I agree about the routines - visuals are very useful for this, do a chart (or better still get him to do it) with pictures of clocks and food/books/tv etc to show the times of dinner, homework, bath, TV time, bed etc and then stick firmly to it. It will really help. Holidays can be a nightmare for us as we deviate from routine and it inevitably leads to meltdowns!!

campion · 18/05/2011 18:09

cricketballs - if that has worked for you that's great and I understand where you're coming from.Sometimes, just for your own sanity, rules have to be bent / ignored. There isn't always a 'right' way to do anything and dealing with anyone who has AS can sometimes be utterly exhausting.

TheLadyEvenstar - you aren't the problem and you mustn't think that way.I know because I've been there, done that (and still frequently do) and it did'nt / doesn't get anywhere but I know the feeling.But you do need someone to tell you that Smile
There isn't a 'one size fits all' approach to dealing with AS (unfortunately) because they're all individuals as well.
I have (too much) experience of all this but, on this one, I'd do what you think's best and see how it goes.FWIW - I doubt that he's testing you plus you don't need to treat a nearly 13 year old and a 3 year old the same.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 18/05/2011 18:15

Campion, I mean that I cannot make a 3yr old eat something and then say to a 13yr old ok we'll move the goalposts for you. because as clever as ds2 is he is only and his understanding is not deep enough to figure out that ds1 has differences he doesn't iyswim?

OP posts:
maypole1 · 18/05/2011 18:23

i take the same line as most of the ladies this is not pizza express i dont take orders

you eat what i have cooked or dont end of

you are doing a fine job dont let any one make you feel bad for being a good parent

campion · 18/05/2011 18:25

TBh purplpidjin some of those rules could be a minefield. 'Where's my dinner? It's 5.32.'
Trying to release them from a rigid mindset with rigid routines is essential for family life otherwise you'd never be able to go on holiday ( potential nightmare), visiting, theatre etc. They 'thrive' on rigid, predictable, limited horizons but need to learn to negotiate the unpredictable world.

Obviously that depends on age but I'd be a bit flexible with some of the rules.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 18/05/2011 18:28

We have not had a holiday for 2 yrs and have not visited anyone other than family in 2 yrs either as he cannot cope with it, even visiting the coast is a battle with him.

OP posts:
maypole1 · 18/05/2011 18:28

please do not listen to LifeInTheSlowLane i did respite care for 4 years with children who had as and autism and i employed the same thing eat or don't even a child with a developmental age of 2 can pick up no matter how much you cry or moan you will eat what your given, a lot of the children's parents used to pander to their children hence them running around like blue arsed fly trying to give them something to eat

i had no such issue amazingly they ate what they were given at my house also hunger is an insist weather your disabled or not children will not starve them selves they might be a little more stubborn but after a day or two they will eat

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