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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To cancel going back to work?

35 replies

cindyannajones · 18/05/2011 14:54

because I dont feel comfortable leaving DD with my FIL?

I'm going back one day a week, my mum will have DD in the afternoon but a friend of mine who was going to have her in the morning has fallen through so my DH asked his retired FIL (MIL works) to have her from 9 till 1.30, involving feeding of milk / food / water, a nap, dressing, several nappy changes and usually a phase of bored baby.

The thing is, FIL has never done any of these things, and I'm just not sure he can learn it all in 2 months...

I know he and MIL successfully raised my DH but I can't help but worry.

AIBU??

OP posts:

aldiwhore · 18/05/2011 14:57

If you're not happy with it YANBU, though I should think if he's happy to do it, AND hasn't done it for a long time, he'll be extra vigilant, probably better than someone who's been there done that got the t-shirt and thinks they know best.

Can't you find a childminder?

LIZS · 18/05/2011 14:58

of course he can learn it - you & dh did, and yoy trusted a friend to ! Her routine will change as she gets older and he may enjoy spending some time with her and be able to take her for a walk. It is only 3 1/2 hours per week

SarkyLady · 18/05/2011 14:58

It is not rocket science you know :)

compo · 18/05/2011 14:59

Use a nursery?

Original poster

cindyannajones · 18/05/2011 15:02

I'm probably being a bit PFB about it...

The friend who was going to have her is my best friend, her godmother, who has a baby the same age and we spend most days with, but now she's going to be returning to work as well and her mum is having her DS.

OP posts:

shesparkles · 18/05/2011 15:08

I'd never changed a nappy or fed a baby, dealt with naps, drinks of water, dressing until I had my 1st baby

I learnt PDQ!!

I think you're beyond BU, but then again my kids are 13 and 9 now....I'd have given my eye teeth for any of my children's grandparents to be physically able to look after my children for a whole 3.5 hours a week

VeronicaCake · 18/05/2011 15:17

YABU if the only reason you feel uncomfortable is that your FIL hasn't done much babycare before. He'll learn fast and if he wants to care for your DD I bet he'll love it.

My MIL very kindly came to help last week whilst DH was away for work. DD had a whale of a time because Grandma finds her endlessly fascinating, is happy to read 'Mr Brown Can Moo Can You' 10 times in a row or spend hours in the park with her in the rain counting ducks. I'm way more lazy!

stickytoffeepud · 18/05/2011 15:20

lol, is he not a parent already?

how old is poor old grandad?

fwiw my dad (god rest his soul) never did much of that when we were kids (too busy bringing in the money) , but he was an absolute star with grandchildren

Give him credit ffs

stickytoffeepud · 18/05/2011 15:21

I'd never changed a nappy or fed a baby, dealt with naps, drinks of water, dressing until I had my 1st baby

nor me, had barely even set eyes on a real baby - you learn pretty fast!

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 18/05/2011 15:23

If thats the only reason you dont want FIL doing it then you are a little U - its not complicated and wont take him long to get to grips with it all.

Are you making excuses do you think?? Even subconsciously??

BadPoet · 18/05/2011 15:23

YABU if you actually cancel going back to work. YANBU to have wobbles about it, it's a big thing, and your plans have been unexpectedly changed. 2 months is loads of time to get used to the idea though, and plenty of opportunities for you & FIL to work it out. If he wants to, is able to, and the practicalities of babycare are your only concerns then I'd seriously think about going back to work as planned

Blu · 18/05/2011 15:24

Is he kind, cuddly, sensible, posessed pof common sense and all his faculties?

If so - well, I assume you had to look after your baby in a lot less time than 2 months!!!

Do you not trust him in other ways?

AMumInScotland · 18/05/2011 15:24

How about spending one morning with your FIL and showing him how to do these things, then let him have her on his own and see how he copes? Make it an hour the first time if you still feel anxious. But I'm sure it'll all come back to him pretty rapidly - my own dad was a real pro at shoogling babies when I had my DS even though he hadn't had any practice in many years.

nometime · 18/05/2011 15:25

Can you get MIL on side and suggest a trial morning?

For what it's worth my father was the most brilliant childminder (my mum was at work) to DS1 and coped with the steep learning curve when I returned to work. He looked after him twice a week and as a result DS has the most fantastic relationship with Grandad.

Quenelle · 18/05/2011 15:26

It's very kind of him to offer. Can't you have a few trial runs so that FIL can get used to what's required of him? And you can get used to the idea?

Original poster

cindyannajones · 18/05/2011 15:39

He is lovely and I'm not making excuses... I really want to go back to work and it is only one day (well, morning!) a week...

It's just that whenever we visit if she needs a change or a feed I always offer to see if anyone else wants to do it and he never does.

He loves her and will happily cuddle her and play with her but it's more the other bits and pieces.

I'm just worried.

OP posts:

AMumInScotland · 18/05/2011 15:44

The fact that he doesn't volunteer doesn't mean there'd be any problem with him doing it if it was just him IYSWIM. I'd go with a stage by stage approach 1) you show him how to do it, how you make up your mind she needs fed/changed/sleep etc. then 2) make him take responsibility for her and try not to criticise him or step in unless there's an actual problem, then 3) let him do it without you there and ask him to tell you honestly how he feels it is going.

FabbyChic · 18/05/2011 15:50

You arent sure he can learn it in two months? Jeeeeesus its a good job they let new parents take their kids home isn't it! Or should we say no fuck it you cant have your newborn as you have no experience. Don't be ridiculous.

Lizcat · 18/05/2011 15:57

My Dad was a very hands off Dad - a farmer so mostly out ploughing etc. However, as a Grandpa he is an excellent childminder he has all the nappy, bottle stuff down to a fine art.

All his grandchildren would rather have him than Granny it could be to because now they are at school if they are sick they get the full jelly and ice cream on the sofa treatment from him.
I think you worry about who ever is going to look after your baby when you go back to work.

WobblyWidgetOnTheScooper · 18/05/2011 15:59

Does he actually want to do it? Or is he just agreeing out of obligation?

stickytoffeepud · 18/05/2011 16:00

one morning a week!

sits on hands firmly

Original poster

cindyannajones · 18/05/2011 16:15

Fabbychic - the reason I don't think he can learn it in two months is because we will only see them usually 3 or 4 times during that amount of time... It's not like it's 2 solid months of looking after her.
And it's not like giving someone a newborn... It's giving someone a baby with habits and specific patterns and routines, it's quite different.

Wobbly - he says he does, but his lack of eagerness to do things for her when we're there makes me worry otherwise.

Sticky toffee - yes, one morning a week. What's the problem? Surely it's an amount of time my baby isn't with me, wether it be one morning or one week I've got to be sure she's okay??

OP posts:

Nixea · 18/05/2011 16:25

It does sound a lot little PFB to me to be honest, understandably as she is a PFB :)

Why not ask if MIL and FIL could have DD together for one morning on a weekend? I know there might be lots of reasons why it's not practical so feel free to ignore me. You don't have to mention it as being a trial/test period, just find something you and DH need to do one morning and ask as a favour.

frgaaah · 18/05/2011 16:27

"I'd never changed a nappy or fed a baby, dealt with naps, drinks of water, dressing until I had my 1st baby"

Exactly! Give him a chance!

RedHotPokers · 18/05/2011 16:29

I've never heard of someone working only one day a week! Is it really worth it?

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